My son told me he had taken cannabis and his school has suspended him

[SabrinaNthIreland]

My first thread and wanted to know what other parents thought about the actions of the school and of course what next with my son.
Background. A bit about my son - He's currently doing some volunteering and the leader said of him. 'He has been such a joy to have around. He is always smiling, helpful and willing. You must be so proud'. And we are. He always helps out, is very sporty (Just became a judo coach aged 16) and is great with his younger brothers.
He knows the danger of drugs because my husband told him more than a few times of the experience his family had with his brother who smoked cannabis frequently and how it changed his personality for the worse. It destroyed his parents because it lead him to petty crime and he died in his 30s. This is why it was such a shock to us when we found out he had smoked cannabis.
How we found out - The previous month his Nan had died. He was very close to her having spent the last year living with her ( we are building an off grid home log cabin so whilst that was going on we lived with my husbands mother).
He was at the start of his GCSE's and after coming home from an exam I thought I smelt smoke on him so asked if he had been smoking. Without hesitation he said he had smoked cannabis. That he had been asked if he wanted to smoke a joint so him and 3 other boys went behind the local (near school) supermarket and had a few puffs. Of course I freaked out and so did his dad. Worse for his dad as it brought back memories of his brother.
So what do I do next? Do I contact the school because it was one of the school children (same year) who offered him the drugs? My thinking was what if they offer the drugs to another child possibly younger? Are they a dealer? So it was an easy decision to make. I phoned the school and told them what had happened and what my son had said. Of course they asked the name of the boy who supplied the drugs and gave him the name my son had told me. The head of his year said I had done the right thing and that they would be in touch.
I guess I am naive but I didn't think that what I had done was put my sons education in jeopardy. Turns out it did.
Two weeks later I was called in to school to discuss what had happened. We talked about how my son has had a tough time with his nans death and how he knows the hurt drugs can cause to a family. We agreed that what he had done was stupid and totally out of character. I asked if there was any help the school can give and I was given a name of a group written down on a piece of paper and that I should look them up on the internet.
Then they told me what I didn't think I'd ever hear. They said he had been a good pupil but that because drugs was involved he will be suspended after taking his exams. I froze. I remember sitting in that room and at this news just wanted to get out. The room was spinning. I didn't argue then and said 'thank you for your time'. It was that being back in the Headteachers Office. They even had chairs that made them look down on you just like a child. All very intimidating :(
It was only when I got home and discussed what had happened with his father (who wanted to go back to the school himself and have a few words) that we looked at the schools drugs policy. Whilst it did say that any pupils caught with drugs would be suspended possible leading to expulsion it didn't have anything about if a parent informs the school of drug use.
In my eyes we did the right thing. We let the school know about a potential drug dealer that could have led to goodness knows what. My son was stupid no doubt but we thought there were mitigating circumstances for his stupidity. The death of his Nan being at the top of that list. The fact he told me without hesitation and I then told the school should count for something?
But what was also upsetting was the lack of help for my son if he did have a drugs problem. They have this drugs policy on their website and even talk about drop in sessions 'The College counsellors are happy to support students with any issue which may cause worry or concern'. The policy also states that parents should 'report any alleged drug-related incident of which they are aware to the Designated Teacher for Drugs'. What it doesn't cater for is 'If a parent informs the school or if a pupil comes forward without suspicion and reports an incident. Or make clear is the outcome of reporting such an offense especially if your own child is involved. I'll be honest if I knew he was going to be suspended I would have thought twice about reporting what had happened. Or am I wrong? That's what I am asking you. Was I wrong to contact the school? Would you have contacted the school knowing your child would have been suspended? And that this suspension is now on his record and could hamper any furthur education or employment?
I tried to speak to the College after his exams and they said there was no time for furthur meetings as Summer Break was about to start. That if I wanted to complain I should use the complaints procedure.
My son should have gone back to school today but fears that he would now be a target and if anything drugs related happens they will pin it on him and expel him. So he is here. And I don't know what to do next. What would you do?

No I wouldn't have reported it to the school. You're right, your son will now be known as a grass with a mother who is dramatic. It was a shared joint.

He had a few puffs of a joint. You reported him to the school. They suspended him after his exams, he’s no longer attending… so not actually suspended. You want to ask whether others would report if they knew their child would be suspended.
No, I don’t think any reasonable parent would report this to the school, unless they had evidence of dealing or coercion, any more than they would report their child for having had a few beers at this age.
The school drugs policy? Well, you can write to them and tell them it should be clearer, but they’re likely to not bother, especially now your son is not attending any longer.
It’s good that he told you, but it all went downhill from there.

So should he be in school or has he left? Because you have said both

Was he suspended during his exams or after and what does that look like? Was he stopped from taking his exams? What did it actually change.

Why would he be applying to another school if he has chosen to leave school?

You have no recourse with the school. He admitted smoking it, they suspended him and it’s done. Finished.

and as for ‘his nan died, show some compassion’, where are you getting that from? No one has berated your son. Most have said it’s just one of those things. Most have actively sympathised with him.

just saying ‘well I am an emotional person’ and not trying to look objectively at something when it impacts other people, like your son, is so unbelievably selfish. And it will severely damage your relationship with him.

Jesus. Your behaviour was OTT, as are your replies to comments here.

The thought of reporting your own son to the school is completely outrageous in my opinion. I think it would be much better to try and get a grip, and deal with things yourself in future.

Its a good thing to have the sort of relationship with your teenager that they can come to you with problems etc. You’ve probably knocked that on the head by running straight to the school to report him for what he told you.

Eh? You say he should’ve gone back to school today then elsewhere you say he’s left school. When was he suspended? Surely he wouldn’t have been in school after his exams anyway? None of this makes sense.

That aside, it sounds like the school followed their drugs policy, and doesn’t make exceptions, which is fair enough. Your son is an idiot and totally disrespectful to his dad to do drugs after what happened to his dad’s brother.

If you want people to assuage your guilt on here OP, I'm afraid that's not happening. This whole situation is all on you.

I wouldn't have reported mine to the school regardless of their policy. You can't expect them to show anything but a zero tolerance to drugs though surely? Which means of course he'd be suspended.

They let him take his suspension after his exams so basically it had no effect anyway. He just needs to front it out, go back to school and see how it goes

You are still being dramatic.

To answer your question, no, I would not of told the school. And if I had of, I would then not be looking into their drugs policy and checking it falls in line with the punishment they have gave your son.

Forget about it.

If he wants to go back, then send him back tomorrow. If he doesn't, then onto the next stage of his life. Forget about it. It's over.

"He's my son and I am angry that the school never took into account that I came to them." - They did take it into account. They literally responded. You told them he smoked cannabis, and they responded to this. Do you think he should have got a 'get out of jail free' card because you told on him? A word for the future, if he ever commits a petty crime, don't report him to the police, hoping that they'll go easy on him because his mum told on him.

"They didn't catch him smoking cannabis." - They didn't need to. You literally told them yourself!

"He was told he was being suspended DURING his exams." - Because YOU TOLD THEM at this time.

"That if there was any hint from him OR anyone else that he has anything further to do with drugs he would be expelled." - Yes, as is the case for everyone. All the children you reported will be in the same boat. Why would your son get special treatment? The first time is the warning. The second time is the proper punishment. You reported him the first time so he lost his warning and has gone straight to the next step, where is he is caught he will be punished.

"As I informed on the boy who supplied the drugs who also was suspended (because it boiled down to 'there was no proof') I imagine the other boys might not be too happy about being informed upon and possibly do something about it." - The boy who shared his drugs with his mates, one of whom was your willing son. Stop using language to imply that your son's friend is some kind of dangerous drug dealer prying on young children? He's literally the same age as your son and shared a bit of weed with his mates. And yeah I doubt they are too happy with him since he went home and told his mum and now they're all suspended? Surely you thought about this before your reported it to the school - the effect on your son?

"He is 16 and can make his own decisions." - Well... he can't, can he? You literally reported him to his school for sharing a joint once.

"A suspension is held on file. If he applies to another school they will be informed which might hamper his chances of getting in." - Again, didn't you think about any of this before reporting him?

"I don't believe he should have been suspended because he came forward with the info." - Why? Why should he be rewarded because his mum told on him?? I don't understand this at all.

"His nan died. Have a bit of compassion." - The other boys might have had their own issues too? But you reported them, are happy about their suspension and punishment, and seen to have no compassion for them? This is all a bit hypocritical. You seem to be saying that just because he's YOUR son, he deserves special treatment. He is being punished for breaking a school rule. It is as simple as that.

"But my concern is with the school and their drugs policy. That their policy does not mention what would happen to the child if a parent comes forward." - Why does it matter who specifically reports a child for breaking a rule? If anyone reports someone for breaking a rule, and it turns out to be true that they broke the rule, they will be punished. Obviously. Why would they need a special clause in their drugs policy detailing what happens when certain people report them? It's the same for everyone. If a classmate reported him it would probably be treated in the same way. It's not about the report, it's about the fact that he did the thing reported.

"Which is why I asked you if you would still report to the school if you knew your child would be suspended." - No, of course not. I wouldn't report my child to the school for smoking weed one time and being honest with me about it even if I DIDN'T think he'd be suspended. I'd let him know the risks of drug use but also thank him for being so honest with me which is a really big thing to do.

This is the crux of the matter. They were writing the rules as they go along. The point of the suspension was that it would be on his record and not that he would be off school for a few days because of course he didn't go back after his exams. So if anything drug related to my son happened they could expel him.
My question here was should they have even suspended him if there was nothing in the drugs policy about such an incident happening. That they would not have even known if it wasn't for me contacting them . hat the mitigating circumstances of him smoking the joint was his nan had died so his emotional state was questionable. That it wasn't on school property.
A scenario where it is just as ridiculous warranting suspension- A pupil told a teacher that her 15 year old friend had sex with a 16 year old boy at home. But because it is illegal to have underage sex the school should suspend him and expel him if that happens again. It is heresay for a start.

@SabrinaNthIreland But my concern is with the school and their drugs policy. That their policy does not mention what would happen to the child if a parent comes forward. Which is why I asked you if you would still report to the school if you knew your child would be suspended.

That is because most parents wouldn't tell us. In fact I've had parents outright lie when their child was tripping balls in front of me or was sat in a pool of their own vomit white as a sheet, stinking of weed.

I wouldn't tell my daughters' school and I'm a teacher. I'd deal with it myself by making sure they know the risks involved, but I also accept that drugs happen. As they did for me plenty of times when I was younger. You were concerned, have a very low acceptance for drugs and therefore contacted school for guidance, which is fine; we are here to help.

Your son was involved in a drugs incident though and was treated accordingly. You can all either move on with life and continue as normal or you can let it eat away. As long as he behaves himself and stays away from drug use he will be fine. Plus, very few will care about a suspension.

All very dramatic over a puff on a spliff. You can't really expect to tell school and them go, oh OK jolly good we'll just punish the person who (obviously) tricked him into it. Room spinning etc, all a bit much.

If you didn’t want the school to act why on earth did you tell them?

suspending after his GCSEs was a kindness, the very least punishment they could give in the circumstances.

if he has left the school for good, what you should do next is move on with your life.

I don't think the school can take into account that he is a 'nice boy who just lost his nan'. All kids that get involved with drugs will ha e a reason whether it's poor role models, lack of boundaries, living in poverty, lack of confidence, easily led etc. If schools took all the reasons into account there would be no consequences.

I think it's a bit naivety of you to think that your son would never usually be the sort to try cannabis and was clearly targeted by a drug dealer in a moment of weakness. Lots of nice teenagers take and experiment with drugs, it may or may not be true that he only did it once, even the nicest teens will lie to their parents. I would be a little more suspicious of him in future and think about what consequences you can put in place for him, he is old enough to own his own behaviour, it isn't someone else's fault.

You overreacted bit by telling the school and assuming it was a dealer and that child would be punished and not your own. All of the boys involved would have been spoken to and should all have the same consequence which is whatever the school policy says it is.

Thing is you assume he has told the truth.

How long did it take him to get home after the exam?

Personally I'd probably assume he told you because he knew his was about to get in trouble at school and by "coming clean" first got you on side.

I very much doubt it was a one off. It rarely is with cannabis

Either way if they have a zero tolerance policy I'd assume he got off lightly. I doubt very much this was the only way the school learned of the incident.

No I probably wouldn’t (being completely honest). But it’s done, you can’t change that.

I really like that he felt able to tell you, he could have lied especially as he knew your thoughts on cannabis. You obviously have a good relationship.

It won’t change anything but maybe speak to the school about their policy in this scenario. They need parents to communicate with them but they also need to offer support to teens while keeping the zero tolerance policy. It’s a hard one!

FWIW I work in mental health (psychosis) and do think that your attitude towards cannabis is appropriate. Trying to keep the information separate from the emotion is hard, especially with teens.

(I really want to know more about the living off grid in a cabin!).

He had a couple of puffs and you grassed (pun intended) him and his friends up?
You have punished him way more than the school has with the sheer embarrassment, no wonder he doesn't want to go back. I'd have called the cops too just to keep the madness going.

OP please read @EleanorShellstrop28 reply to you and take it in. You are acting completely bonkers.

Basically you wanted to get someone else's kid into trouble rather than yours. You wouldn't have been going on about following policy and hearsay if the other kid had got suspended and yours got off Scott free

I don't get the issue.

1. He was a twat and did illegal drugs.
2. You reported it to the school.
3. The school imposed reasonable consequences (a temporary suspension after his exams).
4. Your DS is learning that his actions have consequences.
5. Hopefully your ds will not be such a twat next time.

@SabrinaNthIreland forgot to add that we suspended plenty of students over the exam period btw; if they acted like dicks they were gone. We couldn't have them causing issues for the students who were behaving and stressed. Some of them are not welcome back for 6th form.

Your son didn't behave and YOU TOLD THEM. What were they supposed to do?

So if anything drug related to my son happened they could expel him.

Quite right too

It's not hearsay if the student's mum literally comes into school and tells them, as a fact, that her son was smoking weed? You're his mum and you're telling them that you know for a fact that it happened, where it happened, and who with, because he told you. Schools can't ignore reports made by parents like this. It's not idle gossip between classmates.

And they're not suspending him SO they can expel him in future. It's not like an evil plan they have to expel your son for no reason. They're suspending him because YOU TOLD THEM he smoked cannabis. The fact that he could get expelled if he uses drugs again is a normal drugs policy at a school. Suspension first, expulsion second.

Of course they wouldn't have known if you didn't tell them, but you did!

This is so bizarre it's like something from a British sitcom. One that I'd probably enjoy watching, to be fair.

Why thank you bows 😁

Yes, I’d have reported it to the school, but I wouldn’t have made such a song and dance about it when the school took the perfectly reasonable course of action.

Every parent’s child is a special case to them. Kids doing soft drugs is a regular and quite ordinary case to the school. On a lighter notes, here are some of the things I have heard parents say to try and get their kids off the mandatory suspension:

“He was being thoroughly responsible. He hid the stash in the microwave so the younger kids wouldn’t find it.” (The microwave had subsequently been turned on, and the whole corridor smelt of skunk!)

“She picked up the supply from the dealer because she lives locally and it was more convenient. She was being thoughtful and saving the others effort, not dealing.”

“He was showing good entrepreneurship by running a business while in yr11.”

”If he gets into trouble, his girlfriend will dump him.”

”What’s so bad about doing drugs? My husband and I smoke weed all the time at home.”

and my favourite: “Ketamine can’t be all that bad - the vet used it on her horse.”