My son told me he had taken cannabis and his school has suspended him

[SabrinaNthIreland]

My first thread and wanted to know what other parents thought about the actions of the school and of course what next with my son.
Background. A bit about my son - He's currently doing some volunteering and the leader said of him. 'He has been such a joy to have around. He is always smiling, helpful and willing. You must be so proud'. And we are. He always helps out, is very sporty (Just became a judo coach aged 16) and is great with his younger brothers.
He knows the danger of drugs because my husband told him more than a few times of the experience his family had with his brother who smoked cannabis frequently and how it changed his personality for the worse. It destroyed his parents because it lead him to petty crime and he died in his 30s. This is why it was such a shock to us when we found out he had smoked cannabis.
How we found out - The previous month his Nan had died. He was very close to her having spent the last year living with her ( we are building an off grid home log cabin so whilst that was going on we lived with my husbands mother).
He was at the start of his GCSE's and after coming home from an exam I thought I smelt smoke on him so asked if he had been smoking. Without hesitation he said he had smoked cannabis. That he had been asked if he wanted to smoke a joint so him and 3 other boys went behind the local (near school) supermarket and had a few puffs. Of course I freaked out and so did his dad. Worse for his dad as it brought back memories of his brother.
So what do I do next? Do I contact the school because it was one of the school children (same year) who offered him the drugs? My thinking was what if they offer the drugs to another child possibly younger? Are they a dealer? So it was an easy decision to make. I phoned the school and told them what had happened and what my son had said. Of course they asked the name of the boy who supplied the drugs and gave him the name my son had told me. The head of his year said I had done the right thing and that they would be in touch.
I guess I am naive but I didn't think that what I had done was put my sons education in jeopardy. Turns out it did.
Two weeks later I was called in to school to discuss what had happened. We talked about how my son has had a tough time with his nans death and how he knows the hurt drugs can cause to a family. We agreed that what he had done was stupid and totally out of character. I asked if there was any help the school can give and I was given a name of a group written down on a piece of paper and that I should look them up on the internet.
Then they told me what I didn't think I'd ever hear. They said he had been a good pupil but that because drugs was involved he will be suspended after taking his exams. I froze. I remember sitting in that room and at this news just wanted to get out. The room was spinning. I didn't argue then and said 'thank you for your time'. It was that being back in the Headteachers Office. They even had chairs that made them look down on you just like a child. All very intimidating :(
It was only when I got home and discussed what had happened with his father (who wanted to go back to the school himself and have a few words) that we looked at the schools drugs policy. Whilst it did say that any pupils caught with drugs would be suspended possible leading to expulsion it didn't have anything about if a parent informs the school of drug use.
In my eyes we did the right thing. We let the school know about a potential drug dealer that could have led to goodness knows what. My son was stupid no doubt but we thought there were mitigating circumstances for his stupidity. The death of his Nan being at the top of that list. The fact he told me without hesitation and I then told the school should count for something?
But what was also upsetting was the lack of help for my son if he did have a drugs problem. They have this drugs policy on their website and even talk about drop in sessions 'The College counsellors are happy to support students with any issue which may cause worry or concern'. The policy also states that parents should 'report any alleged drug-related incident of which they are aware to the Designated Teacher for Drugs'. What it doesn't cater for is 'If a parent informs the school or if a pupil comes forward without suspicion and reports an incident. Or make clear is the outcome of reporting such an offense especially if your own child is involved. I'll be honest if I knew he was going to be suspended I would have thought twice about reporting what had happened. Or am I wrong? That's what I am asking you. Was I wrong to contact the school? Would you have contacted the school knowing your child would have been suspended? And that this suspension is now on his record and could hamper any furthur education or employment?
I tried to speak to the College after his exams and they said there was no time for furthur meetings as Summer Break was about to start. That if I wanted to complain I should use the complaints procedure.
My son should have gone back to school today but fears that he would now be a target and if anything drugs related happens they will pin it on him and expel him. So he is here. And I don't know what to do next. What would you do?

Some of 16 having sex with someone a few months younger is a completely different situation and the school will have a way of dealing with it. It’s a completely different situation.

Talking about hearsay? Are you saying the school shouldn’t have believed you? Because you only heard it from your son?

The school are not going to right a policy for when they catch someone doing something, when someone admits to do something, when someone from the general public reports someone, when someone’s mum reports them or their dad or uncle or everyone else.

The fact that he admitted it and you reported it would never impact the decision. I would know that if I reported my children to the school for something the school would follow their policy.

Which they did. The suspension was pointless but a school will never turn a blind eye to a group of their students smoking drugs together. They gave you the contact of group that could help. Given he only had his exams to do, there’s not much support they could have arranged. Take some responsibility and contact the group. You wanted the schools help and that’s what the recommended. So accept the help.

Basically, because you are an ‘emotional person’ you flew off the handle and made a decision without thinking it through. You have been so emotional over this it’s impacted your son and impacted how he is seeing this situation. You feel guilty, so trying to blame the school.

If you think the school have no right getting involved because it wasn’t on school grounds, then why did you involve them. They weren’t involved until you chose to involve them.

You feel you made a mistake. You feel bad. Accept that you made a mistake and help your son move through it and don’t make it all about you

I'm very shocked because your son did not take drugs at school, so surely no school rules were broken. I appreciate we now live in very different times, but all my friends were given cannabis seeds by their parents when they turned 16 or 18, smoking cannabis at school was normal enough, though when some children took drugs on school trips they were suspended.
Personally I agree that cannabis can be very destructive, for mental health especially in a teenager, so it is good to discuss this with children. I think you did the right thing in discussing it with your son. But I'm not sure what it has to do with the school. Is it a private school? (I know some schools have rules about how pupils behave when out of school too, if their reputation might be at risk).

Rather what I should do next with the school. As they don't have clear guidance for parents what happens if you inform of a drug related incident that involves your child which is why my question to all and sundry was ' If you knew your child would get suspended if you informed would you still inform? If the majority here said no they wouldnt inform knowing their child would get suspended then I'd have cause to contact the school and ask them to add to their drugs policy and if that happened ask them to remove the suspension on my sons record. Because of his suspension I feel guilty. Can't help that.

This is what it comes down to - your guilt.

You should do nothing about the school - the schools drugs policy is in place for if the information is brought ot their attention or they are caught, whether that's via a student, a parent, a member of staff or member of public. They don't need to stipulate every angle in which this information could be given to them, they only need to stipulate what would happen if it was brought to light.
You brought it to light, and they acted accordingly.

It baffles me slightly that you went into school, knowing the school has a drugs policy - and expected the school to just waiver him of any consequences. For starter - you (his mum) told the school. Not himself, so he can't exactly be seen as being plagued with guilt over his actions, if anything it seem's like a pissed off mother who wants their son to learn the value of consquences.

Your pushing this angle because you feel guilty for essentially getting your son into trouble - but the school should not waiver their rules for you.
Its like walking into a police station and saying 'my son stabbed someone, but I just told you about it so he shouldn't get into trouble right?' - it doesnt work like that. He broke a rule, he got suspended.

The only thing to do is move on from this, the school acted accordingly.

He didn't break a school rule. There is no rule in the drugs policy about smoking cannabis offsite. That's like saying the school has a right to report a 16 year old boy to the police for having sex with a 15 year old girl because a girl in her class told a teacher it happened. It's illegal but the school has no jurisdiction as it happened offsite and NOT in their school policy. Nor was this type of incident in their school policy. If the school had caught him smoking drugs then that is different. Because that is covered in their drugs policy. The very fact you said you wouldn't report the drugs incident to the school if your child was going to be suspended is what I am asking. Because if most people say as you do you wouldn't do what the school asks in their drugs policy which is to inform then that means the drugs policy needs to change. That is the point I am making and you have proved it by your last paragraph.

He's not likely to tell her ever again, given this overreaction,

Suspension is a completed appropriate punishment for this misdemeanour and assuming he doesn't rack up further offences there will be no sequelae.
I probably wouldn't have informed school unless I had concerns about a pupil dealing .I would be saying to him that he deserved the punishment and that he needs to go back to school and to put this behind him.

@SabrinaNthIreland they smoked it after school. That means it was in school at some point. Drugs cannot be in a school.

He was involved with the person who brought the spliff into school so therefore he was suspended.

There is nothing wrong with that situation. A situation they only know about BECAUSE YOU TOLD THEM.

OP stop fixating on what the school did, or should have done. There won't be much precedent for highly strung mothers calling them up and dobbing their own kids (and their mates) in for taking a few drags of a joint.

This is all on you. You overreacted.

Cannabis is far less dangerous than alcohol.

If you're this dramatic about cannabis, are you equally dramatic about your child having a drink?

It's a plant ffs. It just happens to be illegal because of the amount of money it would take away from the pharmaceutical companies (and don't try to tell me it's not that!)

Anything is dangerous used excessively. Water can kill you if you drink it in excessive quantities.

You need to chill out a little. Your son sounds like a good kid. Take it on the chin and move on.

This. Your son took drugs. He behaved like an idiot. No-one forced him. He's got a short suspension, it isn't interrupting his exams, and no police drug warning. What else could you hope for?
Make sure he understands that a second offence will be the end of his school career and a total betrayal.
And move on.

You don't need to feel guilty, he has done wrong and you dealt with it as you saw fit. I do not understand why you are acting as if this is a major punishment with consequences, it isn't.

If you read what I said the schools drugs policy does not cover this type of incident where a parent comes forward. They ask that if a parent knows anything for them to inform the school but nothing about if your child is involved or what the repercussions would be. This is what I am asking but it seems I am wrong. That I should not have informed the school of potential drug dealers. That I should have said nothing and just deal with it myself.

Went through something with my son playground idiocy my honest son owned up three others lied the other mother went to the police. My son cautioned. Police said they knew that the others were lying but the mother was friends with the chief constable.

From then on I've done a u turn. Never own up to anything. don't trust the schools, police, anyone

I wouldn’t have informed school. He took a puff of a joint off school grounds and was completely up front with you about it. Would have kept tabs on him and chatted about risks of getting into cannabis so he would be open to coming to me again about stuff like this. Poor kid. Alsop bit of a difference between someone sharing a joint with him and a dealer.

It's a myth that schools can't punish students for acts committed off school grounds. If the children involved are all students then they absolutely can get involved. I worked in inner London schools for over ten years and it happened all the time. And trust me, for a lot worse than the thing your DC did. But YOU forced their hand on that, OP. They had to be seen to do something.

Firstly, most school rules cover not only the period that the child is literally at school, in the school grounds, but also journeys TO and FROM school and basically any time that the child is in their school uniform (i.e. any school events outside of school time). I know my school has this policy, as do the others in my hometown that I know of.

Secondly, you made it the school's business and forced their hand to act when you reported this to them. If you felt it had nothing to do with the school, then why did you tell them?

And why are you happy for the school to punish the other boy but just not your son?

Do you really expect them to have a different policy covering every situation in which they could find out AND have a different drugs policy depending on that?

They find out, they follow the drugs policy regardless of how they found out. It is very clear.

What you actually asked OP was 'Or am I wrong? That's what I am asking you. Was I wrong to contact the school?'

And the overriding consensus on here is that yes, you were. But acknowledging you were wrong, and maybe apologising to your son for your bonkers overreaction, might make you feel a bit less guilty.

One minute you say your question is what you should do next

the next you say *If you knew what was going to happen to your child i.e. that they would be suspended if you informed there was a drug incident would you have contacted the school.

in answer to the second question - no I 100% would NOT have gone to the school

and no advice on as the scenario is so alien to me to have gone to the school

"potential drug dealers" - again, unless you are holding back some vital piece of information, there is literally NOTHING to suggest that your son's friend/classmate/peer who shared a little puff of weed with him is a drug dealer. I feel that you're just saying this for dramatic effect/to justify reporting your kid to his school because you feel guilty now?

Look, it's really not a big deal. He's finished school anyway! Just move on.

They ask that if a parent knows anything for them to inform the school but nothing about if your child is involved or what the repercussions would be. This is what I am asking but it seems I am wrong. That I should not have informed the school of potential drug dealers. That I should have said nothing and just deal with it myself.

Dealt with it yourself. No ifs or buts about it.

You weren’t in his corner Op.

And I imagine your actions have had very very serious repercussions on your relationship with your son.

He won’t trust you in future and will keep things from you at all costs

The question here I was asking is - Would you report the incident knowing your child would be suspended?

YES.There are no safe recreational drugs. Don't delude yourself.

www.geisinger.org/health-and-wellness/wellness-articles/2017/03/29/16/39/the-long-term-effects-of-casual-drug-use

I've seen cannabis wreckage at first hand. I hope you never will.

Is he going to the schools sixth form?

Bear in mind he didn’t lie when confronted
tell him you appreciate his honesty but smoking, buying, possessing drugs can hate serious consequences.

he is not his uncle

id be firm this time and if he did it again the shit would hit the fan