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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Advice needed about partners 15 y/o son

105 replies

WorriedMatt · 09/08/2022 17:35

I'm a man, looking for advice about how to deal with a situation involving my partner's 15 year old son. Background is that me and his mum have been together for about 4 years but we don't live together. I live on my own, she lives with her son. The son and I have always got on reasonably well, but I've never tried to act like a parent.

Earlier he phoned me and asked if I could pick him up from his mate's house. This is unusual, he rarely asks me for a lift unless we're going in the same direction. But he couldn't call his mum as she's at work, and he said he didn't have any money for a bus.

When I picked him up he was in a right state. He said he'd had a massive fight with his mate and now his mate didn't want anything to do with him. This all relates to a party they went to on Saturday (having lied to his mum about where he was going). At the party he'd got drunk and had sex with his mate's girlfriend.

It turns out that this is not the first time him and his mate have been drunk, and it's not the first time he's had casual sex.

He's asked me not to tell his mum any of this. I think I'll have to when she gets home from work. Meanwhile I have a moody 15 year old who seems heartbroken that he's fallen out with his best mate yet cannot see that anything he did was wrong.

His mum will be heartbroken - he' always been a really good kid, well behaved and never really shown an interest in girls. His mum has never known about any girlfriends, and in fact thought he was gay.

If you were the mum, would you want to know? Or should I keep this between me and him?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/08/2022 17:38

Oh blimey that’s tricky. I’d be tempted to keep it between you as he’s confided in you. Just keep an eye on him and have a good chat. If thins repeat themselves or get worse then tell his mum.

Whatsthestorymorningglory95 · 09/08/2022 17:39

You need to tell his mum.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/08/2022 17:39

I don’t think the booze and sex is that unusual at his age but copping off with your best mates girlfriend is a horrible thing to do.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2022 17:40

I think you should talk to him more and have a big discussion about consent and using condoms. This dumb kid is going to ruin his life if he doesn't smarten up.

Whatsthestorymorningglory95 · 09/08/2022 17:40

There’s a whole can of worms to be opened here.
is he having unprotected sex? Does he need an STD test, is there a chance of pregnancy. Where is he getting alcohol from?

Original poster
WorriedMatt · 09/08/2022 17:43

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/08/2022 17:39

I don’t think the booze and sex is that unusual at his age but copping off with your best mates girlfriend is a horrible thing to do.

Yeah, I cannot really tell him off for drinking or having sex at his age as I did both.

He doesn't see that he was wrong. He thinks it was ok because his mate had already had sex with the girlfriend earlier. The girlfriend wanted more sex and the mate had fallen asleep due to too much beer. He also said that they've both previously had sex with each others girlfriends (but not this girlfriend) so he can't understand his mate's reaction.

OP posts:
Velvian · 09/08/2022 17:45

I think you need to tell I'm that it is too big for you to keep secret from his mum. That as well as being his mum, she is your partner and it is important for you to be honest with each other.

Reassure him that after an initial shock, she will help and support him. You could be there while he tells her if that would make him feel better.

Original poster
WorriedMatt · 09/08/2022 17:46

Whatsthestorymorningglory95 · 09/08/2022 17:40

There’s a whole can of worms to be opened here.
is he having unprotected sex? Does he need an STD test, is there a chance of pregnancy. Where is he getting alcohol from?

He said he used a condom so that's one thing we thankfully don't need to worry about.

OP posts:
titchy · 09/08/2022 17:54

Well you tell him how fucking disrespectful He's being both towards his mate and girls in general.
He needs to know in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is abusive - does he really think 15 year old girls are nymphomanics up for anything with anyone - even though they may say it.

And tell him you will tell his mum but you'll give him a chance to do so first. And make sure you do tell her - she needs to fire a rocket up him frankly.

Beamur · 09/08/2022 18:12

Before you go in blazing, pause and think. This young man has reached out to you for help - yes, he really didn't want to ask his Mum at that moment, but he trusted you.
He's misjudged the situation with his friend very badly and maybe once he sobers up will start to reflect on why.
Maybe this will open up a dialogue. I wouldn't tell his Mum immediately but I think I would have a conversation with him around respect and that keeping secrets from her, with regard to her son, is disrespectful for you. Lying about where he was going is how this mess started..
He's got a lot of growing up to do but telling him off might be counterproductive right now. I would actually cut him some slack and try and get him to see why this has all gone pear shaped for him.
Step parents or even quasi step parents can be very positive influences. But sometimes kids do have to learn some hard lessons in life by themselves.

Original poster
WorriedMatt · 09/08/2022 18:14

titchy · 09/08/2022 17:54

Well you tell him how fucking disrespectful He's being both towards his mate and girls in general.
He needs to know in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is abusive - does he really think 15 year old girls are nymphomanics up for anything with anyone - even though they may say it.

And tell him you will tell his mum but you'll give him a chance to do so first. And make sure you do tell her - she needs to fire a rocket up him frankly.

I did tell him that I thought he should treat girls with more respect. Some of the things he told me were quite concerning. But he believes his behaviour is ok - all the girls have been willing participants and he says they enjoyed it as much as he did.

I have just had a talk with him. He's at my house at the moment because I didn't wan to leave him on his own. His mum's not back from work until late so I have said he can stay here tonight and we will talk to her in the morning. I've let her know he's here (he was supposed to be staying at his mates) but not gone into details, just that he's had a falling out with his mate about something or other.

OP posts:
waterrat · 09/08/2022 18:17

Well. I think it's great he has confided in you and called you when he needs help.

I think put aside morality....what would yoi be achieving by telling his mum? The downside is he may never call or cinfide in you again.

Kids make mistakes and fall out with mates....I think beyond telling him its best not to shag your mate girls as it leads to stress there isn't much you can do

Surely we all made similar errors as teens and that is just part of growing up

I think I'd lean towards not telling her as I'm not sure what it would achieve.

You could say you will keep his confidence in exchange for him listening yo some sensible comments about drinking and under age sex ?

TokyoTen · 09/08/2022 18:29

I think you need to tell his mum - but give him advance warning. Tell him that in a relationship there needs to be trust and no secrets and you're sorry but for this reason you have to tell her. You will do you best to help him and get his mum to calm down, but you will tell her.

You'll then need to try and ensure she is calm - because at least he has told you and come home which is something to be thankful for.

Original poster
WorriedMatt · 09/08/2022 18:37

I'm not sure how I make sure his mum stays calm. The lad says she'll hit the roof which is probably the only thing we agree about at the moment!

OP posts:
NetWithHoles · 09/08/2022 18:37

.

Whatsthestorymorningglory95 · 09/08/2022 18:43

Very concerning behaviour. The mates girlfriend wanted more sex? I find that story to be very unbelievable. I wouldn’t be surprised if the police at mums door shortly with questions to be answered re sexual assault!

romdowa · 09/08/2022 18:47

Honestly I wouldn't tell his mother. Hes 15 , not 12. If you rat him out then he won't confide in you in the future.

MadMadMadamMim · 09/08/2022 18:50

15 year old girls don't enjoy sex 'as much' as they boys do - because 15 year old boys are shit lovers and know nothing about foreplay, frankly.

15 year old girls have sex and 'pretend' they've enjoyed it because that is what they feel pressured to do.

Christinatheastonishing · 09/08/2022 18:52

Whatsthestorymorningglory95 · 09/08/2022 18:43

Very concerning behaviour. The mates girlfriend wanted more sex? I find that story to be very unbelievable. I wouldn’t be surprised if the police at mums door shortly with questions to be answered re sexual assault!

Completely irrelevant line of questioning in this and your previous post.

This guy is not the parent or step parent. He done a nice thing by picking the boy up and keeping him safe until mum can deal with it.

As a mum of teen boys, similar length of relationship and living arrangements as you OP, we'd be done if you kept this a secret from me or interfered in any other way.

You can kindly explain to him that it would be wildly inappropriate for you to keep this secret for him, and that his mum loves him and will support him. (And yes probably be furious, but that's consequences for you. )

Barleysugar86 · 09/08/2022 18:57

I think I would talk to his mum to say that her son had explained the situation that had happened with his friend and that he'd asked the conversation to be kept in confidence, and ask her if she would be okay with you keeping this confidence. You can add that you have offered advice etc.

That way she can decide if she is comfortable with you having dealt with this with him, and can say to her son that she knows he's spoken about the falling out with you and could ask him if he'd also like to talk it over with her.

If she isn't I'd then go back to the son and warn him you can't keep this a secret for him. But I agree I think it would be very beneficial for him to feel he can trust you and breaking this secret for him might shut down communication with him from both of you. So I'd hope your partner might be happy to let him talk this over and resolve this with you alone, if that is what he wishes to do. If she is with you hopefully she trusts your judgment enough to think you can be a positive guide to him man to man if thats what he needs.

titchy · 09/08/2022 19:18

MadMadMadamMim · 09/08/2022 18:50

15 year old girls don't enjoy sex 'as much' as they boys do - because 15 year old boys are shit lovers and know nothing about foreplay, frankly.

15 year old girls have sex and 'pretend' they've enjoyed it because that is what they feel pressured to do.

Exactly - he really really needs to understand this. The drinking or going behind his mates back is just immature stuff, but the attitude to girls is a whole heap of something else.

I hate to pull the 'you're a bloke you wouldn't know' card - but honestly, you really cannot comprehend how bad this is for the girl. Likely no esteem, coerced into sex and pretending she enjoyed it. Now compare to the Rochdale child sex abuse gangs - they prayed in girls like this, and attitudes like this lad is how abuse continues.

If it wasn't for this attitude I'd probably agree with others and say no need to tell mum the full details, but this is something else and very very concerning - and one for a parent to deal with.

Beansycheese · 09/08/2022 19:24

You could say either your mum reads you the riot act or you listen to me. When he picks you, you can drill down into enthusiastic consent, consequences etc, and really make him think about his actions. Remind him if anything happens like this again and the police are involved, you will cooperate. 🤷‍♀️

BadNomad · 09/08/2022 19:25

Was the girl drunk too at the party? He might get into a lot of trouble if he's not careful with that shit.

Original poster
WorriedMatt · 09/08/2022 20:01

Whatsthestorymorningglory95 · 09/08/2022 18:43

Very concerning behaviour. The mates girlfriend wanted more sex? I find that story to be very unbelievable. I wouldn’t be surprised if the police at mums door shortly with questions to be answered re sexual assault!

I don't find it unbelievable that she told him she wanted sex, and I don't find it unbelievable that he believed she wanted to have sex with him.

Whether she was in the right state of mind to make that decision being drunk at a party is doubtful, but I don't think he would have thought it through, given he was also drunk. I am not defending him but they're horny teenagers. I'll be honest if I'd been offered sex when I was 15 I wouldn't have given it too much thought either, although would have drawn the line at my mate's girlfriend.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2022 20:07

I don’t believe for one minute that the girl “wanted more sex” nor that he used a condom