Advice needed about partners 15 y/o son

[WorriedMatt]

I'm a man, looking for advice about how to deal with a situation involving my partner's 15 year old son. Background is that me and his mum have been together for about 4 years but we don't live together. I live on my own, she lives with her son. The son and I have always got on reasonably well, but I've never tried to act like a parent.

Earlier he phoned me and asked if I could pick him up from his mate's house. This is unusual, he rarely asks me for a lift unless we're going in the same direction. But he couldn't call his mum as she's at work, and he said he didn't have any money for a bus.

When I picked him up he was in a right state. He said he'd had a massive fight with his mate and now his mate didn't want anything to do with him. This all relates to a party they went to on Saturday (having lied to his mum about where he was going). At the party he'd got drunk and had sex with his mate's girlfriend.

It turns out that this is not the first time him and his mate have been drunk, and it's not the first time he's had casual sex.

He's asked me not to tell his mum any of this. I think I'll have to when she gets home from work. Meanwhile I have a moody 15 year old who seems heartbroken that he's fallen out with his best mate yet cannot see that anything he did was wrong.

His mum will be heartbroken - he' always been a really good kid, well behaved and never really shown an interest in girls. His mum has never known about any girlfriends, and in fact thought he was gay.

If you were the mum, would you want to know? Or should I keep this between me and him?

Hmmmm.

I think the most important thing here is the behaviour of this boy. And since he has chosen to trust you / confide in you, you are the best person to influence him. And that will stop if you tell his Mum. Unless she is of a very calm and pragmatic outlook and would accept you influencing her Ds for the better, keeping schtumm that she knows.

It isn’t a question of ‘telling him off’ about drink etc. It is a question of getting him to appreciate risks to himself and respect for others.

I would tell him that if he continues to have sex while drunk, with people who are drunk, he will quickly find himself the subject of a rape or sexual assault allegation. And a conviction.

And / or fatherhood that he is not ready for and responsible for the financial upkeep of a baby .

Keep talking to him. Are there any activities that he might do with you? A match, or film of a type his Mum hates?

Some valid points have been raised. I am hoping the girl in question is not younger than him. They are both technically children and legally can not consent to sex. If I heard my daughter was having casual sex at , I assume 15 with several different boys I would personally hit the roof. Equally if I heard my step son was getting drunk at 15 and having casual sex with different girls I would also hit the roof. The fact she was ‘drunk’ she can’t consent to sex. I hope her parents don’t take it further and go to the police (not to scare anyone but sadly the reality we live in) , the girl can easily claim she didn’t consent etc if she’s caught out by her parents.

his mum needs to have a proper chat about all this as this needs to be stopped before something damaging happens.

Sadly the world we live in now

OP: Seriously you need to bring your thinking up to date and in line with the law.

If the girl was drunk, by law IT IS NOT CONSENSUAL SEX. That’s the fact. That’s the law.

You need to understand it, you need to get him to understand it.

But I do remember some girls who, for whatever reason wanted to have sex with different boys.

They were the ones who had been abused, whose self esteem was at rock bottom, who equated sex with love.

THOSE were the reasons those girls had sex with different boys. Those are the reasons these girls are willing to be shared amongst the boys for sex like a bag of fucking fries.

And attitudes like yours and this lads are disgusting.

Where were the parents of the children at the 'party' ? I am glad that you have chosen to tell his mum , its definitely something that I would want to know as a mum of sons. I think that his mum needs to have a discussion with him regarding alcohol, consent and respect. His sexual encounters so far have not laid a good foundation and he needs to realise his mistakes. I'm sure the friends will make up but they both need to agree that sharing girls is just not acceptable

I'm sorry, attitudes like mine?

I have never said that what he did was right or acceptable. I have been clear that it is wrong. If I thought he was right I would have bought him a big box of condoms and told him to crack on, rather than insisting he tell his mother what he's been doing.

What I have done is listened to what he told me, and tried to understand why he did what he did, rather than write him off as some kind of perverted monster. Personally I think understanding his thought process is important to influencing a change in behaviour, and I don't think a telling off or lecture will achieve a great deal. But that's for his mum to decide, not me.

As far as I can gather, the party was at an older teenager's house whose parents were away. I've no idea how the boys and the girl ended up there. My partner's son told his mum he was staying at his mate's house but this was a lie. His mum trusts him so didn't check with the mate's parents.

His mum is here now and he is talking to her in the other room - he decided he wanted to tell her on his own. I've not heard shouting yet which is a good sign, but I will have to talk to his mum later to find out exactly what he's told her. I suspect it may not be the whole story.

Fwiw @WorriedMatt I think you've handled this really well under the circumstances.

I can only speak as the mum of a slightly older teenage girl who was a perfect teenager until she did something that really shocked me...not of this scale but certainly a 'wtf were you thinking?!' scenario.

Her dad and I barely speak but I let him know and we went out for a walk with her and had a chat about what had gone on.

Your partner will probably be shocked and scared as much as angry. It's not great when you discover you don't your kid as well as you thought you did, especially if that involves putting themselves or others at risk.

Yes OP your attitude:

She'd already had sex with her boyfriend at the party so clearly is no angel.

Who says that about a child being passed around for sex?

whilst he should not have taken advantage of her drunken state

You know what this is called right? If a girl would not have sex with him when she is sober, he should not be having sex with her when she's drunk. Slut-shaming her is not a defence.

"But, Judge, yeah she was drunk, but she's a ho! She had already had sex with another guy at the party. And my mate and I had done this before, so it was fine."

This attitude OP:
There are a few people have commented on the "girl wanted more sex". I don't want to defend what the boy did but I can well believe she said this, in her drunken state. She'd already had sex with her boyfriend at the party so clearly is no angel.

I do not find this implausible and whilst he should not have taken advantage of her drunken state, neither should she have taken advantage of him.
I agree with all the comments that he needs to learn to be respectful to girls (and, frankly, to himself), but I think this also applies to the girl. They both wanted to have sex with each other and in my view that makes them both as bad as each other.

You are way behind on the current law about consent (it is RAPE for a boy to have sex with a girl when she is drunk. It is decreed, legally, that if she is drunk she cannot consent). Whatever you think about this, you will do this boy no favours if you fail to impress upon him, and encourage his Mum to impress on him, that his behaviour risks legal action.

Secondly you seem to have no sensitivity or awareness of the different social pressures on boys and girls and that girls are more vulnerable than boys. It isn't an equal level playing field.

It is good that you are wanting to support this boy and his Mum towards better decisions, behaviours and choices, but that don't mean your own don't need yanking out of your teen recollections and into the present day!

Consider that if a Mum posted on this board that her 15 year old daughters boyfriend’s friend had had sex with her when she was drunk, the majority of replies would be ‘call the police’.

So the boy has spoken to his mum. I'm not sure what I expected but I don't think it went well.

She was, understandably, upset and angry. She has grounded him for the rest of the summer holidays, and taken his phone/internet access away so he cannot contact his friends. She has told him she thinks he's disgusting and he should be ashamed of himself.

I've said all along that it's for her to decide how to deal with him, but I'm not sure this is going to help. I honestly don't think these punishments will stop him wanting to have sex, and I can't see how she's going to enforce the grounding when she is out at work most days/evenings. But that's his mum's decision, not mine.

She said she thinks it's all her fault for giving him too much freedom - but there's nothing I know of that would have suggested there was a problem. She's never known him come home drunk, never had any indication of him being involved with girls and as far as she knew he was just with his mate doing normal teenage things like playing football or playing computer games. He has done a very good job of hiding his activities from her.

Well, I'm glad his mother seems to understand the seriousness of her son's attitude to females. She must be so disappointed in how he has turned out.

While I do not think you should go behind her back, when things have calmed down slightly, I would ask her if she would be willing for you to act as a male mentor of sorts. The fact that he reached out to you, and confided in you, and you say he has no other male adult figures in his life, suggests that he trusts you on some level. He trusted you enough to choose to speak to his mum on your advice.

This doesn't mean he can bring all his shitty behaviour to your door. But if you are willing, there is an opportunity for an adult man to intervene on some level. Eg, while he is grounded, perhaps you can spend some time together or similar.

His behaviour has been appalling. But sadly, with the best will in the world, teenagers do all kinds of things they shouldn't. They also get influenced in ways that we, as their parents, would not like. If this boy is already willing to be influenced by you, that's got to be better than the mindset of "all girls are gagging for it" that he's probably picked up on tiktok.

His Mum is probably fully aware of the seriousness of his behaviour wrt drunken sex and consent. And understands the issues for the girl. I daresay she will talk this through with him in addition to taking his phone etc.

I think that the PP suggestion that you be a male mentor - different from StepDad - is a good one, since he trusts you, (hopefully still does) BUT you will need to be fully emphatic on the consent issue and not 'she was as bad as him'. Because the whole point is that you are an adult and not a re-born version of your own teen self.

There are a few posts above that suggest that I'm condoning his behaviour. I absolutely am not. He was wrong to have casual sex with anyone, let alone his mate's drunk girlfriend.

But I do take issue with a few of the posts above:

Who says that about a child being passed around for sex?
From what he told me (and I appreciate he might not be telling the truth), she wasn't being 'passed around'. She had sex with her boyfriend twice and with my partner's son once. The boyfriend had gone to the toilet and didn't come back so they went to look for him and found him asleep in a bedroom. At this point the girl asked my partner's son if he wanted to have sex with her. He was very stupid to agree to it but he did. Nobody was passing the girl around, but this does not change the fact that it was wrong and he should have said no and told her to wake her boyfriend up if she was that keen to have sex again.

If a girl would not have sex with him when she is sober, he should not be having sex with her when she's drunk. Slut-shaming her is not a defence.
I don't know if she would have had sex with him when sober. When I mentioned that she'd already had sex, I wasn't trying to slut shame anyone. I was simply giving context that he knew she was sexually active. I know this doesn't change anything but it helps explain why he thought it would be ok to sleep with her.

You are way behind on the current law about consent (it is RAPE for a boy to have sex with a girl when she is drunk. It is decreed, legally, that if she is drunk she cannot consent). Whatever you think about this, you will do this boy no favours if you fail to impress upon him, and encourage his Mum to impress on him, that his behaviour risks legal action.
There is nothing that I've said or done that would suggest to him that his behaviour was acceptable. And I warned him in no uncertain terms that he risks a claim of rape every time he has sex with an under-age girl. And that this could happen even if the girl said she wanted sex and enjoyed having sex with him. I think my warning fell on deaf ears I'm afraid.

Consider that if a Mum posted on this board that her 15 year old daughters boyfriend’s friend had had sex with her when she was drunk, the majority of replies would be ‘call the police’.
Yes and they wouldn't be wrong to say that. He is very lucky that this hasn't happened.

While I do not think you should go behind her back, when things have calmed down slightly, I would ask her if she would be willing for you to act as a male mentor of sorts. The fact that he reached out to you, and confided in you, and you say he has no other male adult figures in his life, suggests that he trusts you on some level. He trusted you enough to choose to speak to his mum on your advice.

I'm not sure he really trusted me that much. When I asked what was wrong he told me his mate was being a d*ck. The way he told me about the sex was as though it was normal behaviour, no embarrassment. The whole focus was about his mate being unreasonable rather than that he'd been a stupid idiot.

And I'm not sure he'll trust me now since I made him tell his mum which has resulted in a grounding and confiscation of his phone. I didn't give him a choice - I told him she had to know and it would be better if he told her than if she found out from me. I'm not sure how much he told her anyway. She knows about the party but I'm not sure if he told her that wasn't the first time.

While I do not think you should go behind her back, when things have calmed down slightly, I would ask her if she would be willing for you to act as a male mentor of sorts

This was pretty much what I was going to say. He has approached you for male advice, he’s looking for a male role model. I do think strong, positive male role models are important for male teens.

Male friendships and interactions can be different to female relationships and he’s asking for help navigating these. Keep up the lines of communication with him.

This was pretty much what I was going to say. He has approached you for male advice, he’s looking for a male role model. I do think strong, positive male role models are important for male teens.

He didn't really approach me for advice, at least not explicitly. He called me because he didn't have any way of getting home after falling out with his friend and he knew I was not at work and have a car. And I don't think the advice I gave him (stop doing what he was doing and tell his mum) was welcomed! Although he was open in telling me what had happened, and he told me more than he told his mum so maybe there's something there?

We've always got on (thankfully - I was terrified that he'd resent me when I was first introduced to him), in the same way I get on with my nephew or my friends' kids of a similar age. But we've never spoken about relationships, sex or anything like that. Most of our conversations have just been general topics like football, his sporting activities, etc.

I do think, looking back, that the lack of male influence may have contributed to what happened. The only male relative he has is is grandad, who lives in a care home with dementia. The only other significant male in his life is his mate who has not been a good influence at all.

The only other significant male in his life is his mate who has not been a good influence at all

Which is why I do think it’s good to keep up the communication with him. He’s had a secret life his mum doesn’t know about, he’s valued his male friendships and he’s trying to grow up, be a man and doing a really bad job at it so far.

He seems to have no awareness that his behaviour towards this girl is appalling. His mates seem to have a similar attitude and he’s way too young to appreciate that even if she’s actively asking for sex from multiple boys, on the same night, she is highly unlikely to be enjoying it. The males around him are acting the same and he needs the perspective of someone he trusts to actually learn about respect and enthusiastic consent.

It’s easy to vilify him but there’s a whole heap of 15 year olds who wouldn’t turn down a girl at a party, who was asking them to have sex with her. They don’t know that this is likely to be a girl who has low self-esteem and is looking for affection/attention - they will absolutely be looking at superficially.

He’s hidden it from his mum because he knows she’d be appalled - and she is - and he still did it. He doesn’t have a dad to model respectful behaviour towards women, his friends are also treating them like shit so you can be a positive force in his life

I have just spoken to his mum. The good news is he didn't do a runner yesterday evening when she went to work.

The bad news is he hasn't spoken to her at all since they got home. Possibly because she said she was disgusted by him. Perhaps not the best thing to have said.

I suggested he could come round to my house later to watch a film or something. But she wasn't keen on the idea as it would go against the punishment of being grounded. I tried to suggest that grouding him might not really achieve much because he can't stay grounded for ever and she's still going to have to go out to work but she didn't appreciate this advice so I backed off.

Fwiw. I think you're right about the excessive punishment and grounding but I think his Mum is understandably upset.
They both need time to calm down.
Although shocking, I don't think the behaviours of these teens is totally out of the ordinary. It's an age when consequences aren't thought of much and risky behaviour is not unusual.
Even 'good' kids are selective in what they tell their parents. But if you think your child is incapable of lying to you, you're probably wrong (I have a teen DD and have been a SM to two more teens- all good kids who have pulled the wool over our eyes at some point!)
I think you've modelled good behaviour here. The kid may not appreciate it right now, but his values and boundaries are going to get him into more trouble so it's no bad thing for someone to say he's out of line.

I think you've modelled good behaviour here. The kid may not appreciate it right now, but his values and boundaries are going to get him into more trouble so it's no bad thing for someone to say he's out of line.

@Beamur Thank you, it was nice to read this. I am trying to do my best but completely our of my depth to be honest!

@WorriedMatt
I think you’re very realistic and I think you’ve handled it brilliantly.

Not a lot you can do about your DP enforcing unrealistic sanctions, which I have no doubt will be broken and matters will get worse because of it.

I don’t know if you’re new to this site, but sometimes with sensitive subjects like this, one can receive a
heap of criticism because posters don’t read the thread properly and only see what they want to see.

I know first hand how terribly ‘some’ girls can behave and also how manipulative they can be. (I’ll get a huge roasting for stating that on here!).

The most important thing is that he needs to be fully educated about the very serious consequences that can happen so easily.

You know that, and I hope his mother is equipped to do it effectively.