Advice needed about partners 15 y/o son

[WorriedMatt]

I'm a man, looking for advice about how to deal with a situation involving my partner's 15 year old son. Background is that me and his mum have been together for about 4 years but we don't live together. I live on my own, she lives with her son. The son and I have always got on reasonably well, but I've never tried to act like a parent.

Earlier he phoned me and asked if I could pick him up from his mate's house. This is unusual, he rarely asks me for a lift unless we're going in the same direction. But he couldn't call his mum as she's at work, and he said he didn't have any money for a bus.

When I picked him up he was in a right state. He said he'd had a massive fight with his mate and now his mate didn't want anything to do with him. This all relates to a party they went to on Saturday (having lied to his mum about where he was going). At the party he'd got drunk and had sex with his mate's girlfriend.

It turns out that this is not the first time him and his mate have been drunk, and it's not the first time he's had casual sex.

He's asked me not to tell his mum any of this. I think I'll have to when she gets home from work. Meanwhile I have a moody 15 year old who seems heartbroken that he's fallen out with his best mate yet cannot see that anything he did was wrong.

His mum will be heartbroken - he' always been a really good kid, well behaved and never really shown an interest in girls. His mum has never known about any girlfriends, and in fact thought he was gay.

If you were the mum, would you want to know? Or should I keep this between me and him?

What a stupid woman telling him she's disgusted by him

He stayed here last night. His mum originally said no when I suggested it. Then she changed her mind because she was worried about leaving him on his own when she went to work. I think this was a wise decision. He wasn't meant to be staying overnight, she was going to pick him up when she finished work just after 11pm, but he was asleep so I texted and suggested it would be better if he stayed here, which she agreed to.

We had quite a long talk and there's a lot going on - more than I had realised.

The reason he's not speaking to his mum is not the "disgusting" comment. It's because she said his dad would be horrified if he could see what kind of person he's turned into. His dad died when he was little, and this comment has really upset him.

He told me he still misses his dad and it's got worse since he started secondary school. He finds it hard when he's doing things like playing football (he's in a school team), when other boys' dads go to watch the games but for him, it's just his mum.

He's never told his mum that he feels like this because he didn't want to upset her.

We also spoke about a lot of other things including our (mine and his) relationship. He said he liked me because I make his mum happy, but he doesn't know if I like him very much.

He told me I'd upset him last year. His mate's parents invited him to go on holiday with them to Cornwall. He wanted to go but his mum was worried about not being able to afford it. I gave her some money so he could go. I did not know she'd told him that I'd paid. He thinks I paid to get him out of the way. This couldn't be further from the truth - I paid because his mum couldn't afford it, didn't want to take advantage of his friend's parents and didn't want to say no to him because he was keen to go.

I will be honest, after he went to bed I shed a few tears thinking about everything he's been trying to deal with on his own.

My feeling is that he needs some kind of professional counselling. I've no idea whether that's something that can be arranged. Obviously, I will need to talk to his mum about all of this but that will be a very difficult conversation. She'll beat herself up for being a bad mum, even though she isn't.

NB: People who think he's some kind of sick pervert, please keep your thoughts to yourself. Practical suggestions are very much appreciated though.

I did comment previously and want to give some better advice. I’m not sure where in the country you live but I used to work for social services for the council. They offer family groups and children groups for different things. They use people called ‘children and family workers’ which are often through a referral from a friend, professional, school or GP. It can be for any type of support a young person needs and can be done one on one with a young person or with the parent. I have seen great work done with young lads and male family workers who spend time with them, playing pool or going for walks to talk and help the young person understand their feelings and how to deal and process them in better ways. It’s really good and worth looking into. Apart from football are there any youth groups he can join , sometimes there are groups specifically for children who have lost a parent etc.

secondary school is a massive change for any child but especially one without a parent to share those experiences with. He needs a male support and your doing a great job. I hope his mum knows how lucky she is to have you as it seems like you have had a good break through and an explanation for the distructive behaviour .

chekc your local council pages for family support!

@Lmf685 thanks for the helpful information. I am pleased that there might be support available - I thought young people's social services had been decimated in recent years due to funding cuts.

I'm going to talk to his mum about this. My view is that external help from a professional is needed. He won't talk to her at all, and I'm not qualified to deal with this. To be honest I am terrified of making things worse.

I think in my local council there was a shuffle and they changed the name. This is a link on my county councils page regarding bereavement if you scroll to the bottom there’s links for regional support. Also if you ask mum to speak to school as well, they might be able to put support at school in place for a school counsellor. Mental health is massive in schools now so I would take every option or route to support him . You are his family now aswell and he trusts you. He’s made the right steps himself . If your comfortable to, you should take him to the local field for a kick about or go on his Xbox with him. Kids talk better with a distraction instead of face to face.

www.safeguardingchildren.co.uk/parents-carers/bereavement/

No one has accused him of being a sexual predator. However, some posters including myself and deeply concerned about his attitude and behaviours around females and this needs ti be addressed.
I am sorry that he has had to grow up without his dad - it’s really heartbreaking that he has been feeling this way.
Unfortunately it doesn’t change the fact that his behaviour is completely unacceptable and he needs to know that.
Getting to the root of his problems is obviously priority and I agree professional counselling is the best course of action.

Well done @WorriedMatt for sticking with this. I was forthright earlier in the thread but at the same time I am really glad you are giving this lad support and attention.

And it is really good that he is talking to you. Never managed to have such in depth conversations with my 15 yo!

I would suggest talking to both him and his Mum about the difference between behaviour and character. Yes, his behaviour has been pretty disgusting, actually, risky, disrespectful and potentially criminal. However, he can now show that this was him making a mistake and that as a human being he is not disgusting. He needs to know that his Mum loves him unconditionally, whatever her opinion on some of his behaviour. And that you trust him to listen and make better choices.

It sounds as if his self esteem is low, if he thought you wanted him out of the way etc

some posters including myself and deeply concerned about his attitude and behaviours around females and this needs ti be addressed.
I am one of the people who is concerned about his behaviour - that is why I started this thread, because I did not know how best to address it.

In the short term his mother has addressed it by grounding him and taking away his phone. But he cannot stay grounded for ever. In a couple of weeks he will be going to school again, mixing with his friends and girls and I am pretty certain I can predict what will happen.

What concerns me is that he talks about having sex as though it's just another activity to pass the time. He could be telling me they'd played a computer game or watched a film. His first sexual encounter (not actual sex) was last year when we had Covid restrictions. His reason? They were bored and there was nothing else to do.

How am I, or his mum, or anyone else supposed to address that kind of attitude?

It sounds to me like what that boy needs right now is you. Not to make you big headed but he's screaming out for a male role model while he manages his teen years alongside his feelings around his dad.

Maybe you could show up to his football games with his mum? Do some activities with all of you together and some with just you and him. Your relationship will develop - maybe stepfather/son, maybe something else...

In relation to the original issue - I don't think you've deserved some of the comments you've had on here. I've not read any of your responses as claiming the girl was asking for anything or calling her or anything like that. It strikes me that you've been thrown into the realms of parenting (which presumably would come along at some point if you stay with his mum anyway!!??) and you've put your "when I was that age" hat on!
And I think some people also shut themselves off to what teens actually get up to.... teaching in a 6th form was a bloody eye opener as to what even the best behaved teens did behind their parents' back!!

And it is really good that he is talking to you. Never managed to have such in depth conversations with my 15 yo!
I think it helps that he isn't my 15 yo! I wasn't expecting it, I just asked him when he was going to have a proper talk with his mum, and it all came flooding out.

I've no idea why he told me all this stuff, but a few people over the years have said I am good at listening. I once found myself trying to start a conversation with someone who was too close to the edge of a bridge over the motorway late at night. When you've had that experience, 15 year old boys are a breeze!

Maybe you could show up to his football games with his mum? Do some activities with all of you together and some with just you and him. Your relationship will develop - maybe stepfather/son, maybe something else...
I'd have been happy to go to the football games - I enjoy spending time with his mum even if it is watching a bunch of kids kick a ball about in the cold! It's just never happened. I've never suggested it because I've always been really careful about not wanting to replace his dad. And neither him or his mum ever suggested it. We've never really done anything you'd think of as a family activity together, apart from occasional meals out. Perhaps we should have.

It strikes me that you've been thrown into the realms of parenting (which presumably would come along at some point if you stay with his mum anyway!!??) and you've put your "when I was that age" hat on!
Probably, but that's the only hat I've got! I've really no experience with teenagers. I have nieces and nephews but they're all pre-teen, as are most of the children of my friends. One of my mates has a 15 year old boy but my interactions with him are limited to an occasional grunt when I'm at to their house!

I really admire how you have handled this situation. Great that he can speak to you, very common for teenagers not to confide in their parents.
Maybe you could suggest that he contacts Childline. Unfortunately a lot of counselling services have long waiting lists.

Now is the time to talk about respect. Respecting your friends. The value of sex within a relationship. The value of not taking ‘sex offered’ and looking at the longer implications - what happens if she gets pregnant etc or a std - condoms are not 100% proof.
you as a man need to talk about consent and if drink if involved the problems of alcohol poisoning or various others things when drunk - violence etc

dont talk about what you did or didn’t do - talk about the right things.

15 year old can’t consent
15 year olds don’t think about pregnancy condoms are not 100% effective or std
15 year old doesn’t seem to understand friendships or boundaries

etc

respect women
respect friends
respect yourself
respect your mum she’s right to be angry and disappointed

I think that you have had a really significant conversation here.
Maybe it is time to offer to grow this relationship a little? Being a positive supportive male in this lads life might be good for you both.

I do think it’s important that teens have someone they can confide in and who can gently advise / guide them and understand that it’s difficult for a teen boy to have those type of conversations with his mum however this concerns his safety and potentially serious life consequences, I would be angry at and probably break up with my partner if I found out he knew something like that about my child and didn’t tell me.
So I think you need to tell your step son that his mum needs to know, he can tell her or you can with him present or not, whatever is his preference.
In the mean time, tell him that you’re honoured that he felt safe enough with you to call you when he needed help and to be honest with you, that honesty and respect are important in relationships and that’s why you feel you must inform his mum.
Remember he is also learning about relationships from what is modelled to him between yourself and his mum and if you kept this secret you would indirectly be showing him that it’s okay to keep big secrets from your partner at your discretion.
A chat about respect to his mate also wouldn’t go amiss, his attitude suggests he thinks having sex with each other’s girlfriends is normal and he needs to know it’s not and not assume every girlfriend either of them have is going to be up for that. And that’s assuming it was consensual, not too drunk and protected, conversations need to be had about those issue’s too.

Well done for stepping up when you were needed. 15yo boys can be really difficult, they're going through a lot and these days there can be a lot of negative influences online and on SM so it's good that you can offer him some strong, supportive male guidance which he obviously needs or he wouldn't have reached out to you.

The fact that he did that means he clearly has a lot of respect for you. Like you have said the drinking and sex are one thing. The swapping girls like Pokemon cards and casual disregard for sex would be the worrying thing for me, is shows a lack of self esteem and self respect. It's also really dangerous, I know of a young girl who got pregnant through similar behaviour and it was a huge mess that all those kids have to carry with them now.

If you can build the relationship with him that would be great, just for the casual stuff and for when he needs a listening ear. It's more valuable than you can imagine.

OP my son did something similar, although it wasn't a friends girlfriend and he was 14!! We were pretty shocked but he's gone on to be a decent chap and he has learnt an important lesson about respecting women from it. Lots of things that were happening around school came out when we found out, stuff that he didn't want to bother us with but had built up to boiling point. It actually helped all of us to see the warning signs and speak more openly and frankly about how things affected us emotionally and has improved our relationship going forward. You sort of thing their muddling along, these uncomplicated little men who you don't have the same dramas with as you do with daughters so you sort of leave them to it but they do still struggle . I did tell DS that he disgusted me too!

Sometimes it takes a catastrophe for boys to spill their feeling out, they bottle it all up and it all spews forth at once. It's nice that's he's spoken about how he's feeling and you're moving forward and hopefully this will mean that you have more of a role in his life than you have previously which may enrich both your lives.

You sound like a good calming influence in both your DPs and her DSs life.

Thank you everyone who's posted this afternoon. It's all really useful.

@Hopeandlove dont talk about what you did or didn’t do - talk about the right things.
This is one of the things I've found difficult. He asked me how old I was when I first had sex. I did not want to lie to him so I told him I didn't want to answer that question. From that he will have probably worked out that I was under 16. Perhaps it would have been better to tell him that I was 15, but it was different because it wasn't casual sex with random partners.

@CactusPeach I do think it’s important that teens have someone they can confide in and who can gently advise / guide them and understand that it’s difficult for a teen boy to have those type of conversations with his mum however this concerns his safety and potentially serious life consequences, I would be angry at and probably break up with my partner if I found out he knew something like that about my child and didn’t tell me.
Just in case you haven't read the full thread, he did tell her about his drinking and sex. I said he had to and if he didn't I would.

However, I was not there when he told her (his choice, I offered to be with him) so I don't know if he's told her everything that I know. Probably not. I will talk to her at some point but she needs to cool down a bit first.

I am going to talk to her later about the things I found out last night about him missing his dad. That is going to be a very difficult conversation I think.

Thank you - this is the most helpful post in the whole thread. I am sorry that you had to deal with the situation but it's really good to know that things worked out ok. For what it's worth, my partner's son started having sex when he was 14 too. It's been going on for quite a while, unknown to anyone apart from him, his mate and the girls involved.

Like I said earlier, he's done a really good job of hiding this. His mum had no clue that he was interested in girls, let alone sexually active. He's doing really well at school, never been in trouble for anything, never stolen money from her, and is always a good kid at home, doing his share of the housework without arguing etc. His mate's the same - his mum always saw him as a good friend, with no idea what their friendship actually involved.

She said yesterday that she cannot believe this is the same boy who, in lockdown, was going to the shop to get things for the elderly neighbours.

I think that's one reason why she's reacted so badly - she was so proud of him until this came out.

As a single parent to 2 teenage boys I just want to say that you are bloody brilliant and they are both very lucky to have you. You've been so carefully considerate to both their feelings throughout this and sought advice because you were able to admit you were out of your depth. He's clearly comfortable opening up to you so I'd say keep doing what you're doing, and yes, seek professional support for him too.

He told me he still misses his dad and it's got worse since he started secondary school. He finds it hard when he's doing things like playing football (he's in a school team), when other boys' dads go to watch the games but for him, it's just his mum

Could you go and watch his games from time to time?

Boys’ sport is often a very male space, and overall a positive one. My son plays rugby and DH usually takes him (our daughter swims and I get up early with her, so Saturday morning I sleep in) but all the boys have their dads there. The coaches are male, the refs are male and the other players are, obvs. As long as the dads aren’t dickheads it’s a good way for the boys to work through disappointment, conflict resolution and various injustices of sport 😀.

Im not saying that women can’t be great single parents to boys, of course they can. But there is an important role for good, adult male role models in boys’ lives. Otherwise, they learn how to be men from their mates.

And yes, professional help for this boy will probably be of benefit. But so will having a man he likes and looks up to watch him play sport

Could you go and watch his games from time to time?

Yeah, I could. I would have gone before but to be honest neither him or his mum suggested it and I've always tried not to intrude on their relationship.

Going back to the comment about the holiday and me wanting him out of the way - that's really upset me. But looking back I've never really been too involved with him. Like I said yesterday, we've never really done any 'family' type activities - never been for a day out at the sea-side together for example. This isn't because I dislike him or don't want him around, it's because I didn't want to think I was trying to be his dad or trying to intrude on the relationship between him and his mum.

It's funny because most of the posts on this thread are about him and the things he needs to learn. There's a lot I need to learn too about this kid, and teenagers, and myself.

One thing I have learned is that I actually care more about him than I thought I did. I'm really upset that he's been going through this on his own. As I said, I actually cried about it (takes a lot for a bloke to admit that!) after he went to bed the other night.

Question for you: He stayed at my house twice last week. He's never spent the night here before. Both times, he grumbled the next day about not having clean clothes to change into (he'd slept in his clothes and, despite showering, I agree he did smell a bit the next day!). I was going to ask if he'd like to leave some things here in case he stays again. I thought it might signal to him that he's a welcome visitor to my home, not a nuisance. Would this be a good idea?

(Sorry if it seems like a silly question but between him and his mum it feels like I'm walking on eggshells at the moment).

NB: When he stayed, I gave him a spare toothbrush. This morning when I went to brush my teeth, there were three toothbrushes in the pot - mine, his mums and the one I'd given him. For some reason that made me smile.

I think yes to clean clothes, make him feel he’s welcome.

Watching a footy game is pretty low key and very different to the “organised fun” of a day out. And he’s right in that most boys will have their dads watching him.

I wouldn’t overthink the relationship. I’d make it clear to him that anything worrying you’ll have to talk to his mum but hanging out with him a bit more will be a good thing for him. I’d answer his questions honestly. If he asks when you had sex I’d be honest, but emphasise it was with someone you cared about and respected. Make it clear that good men don’t pass women around.

With regard to his attitude to girls and sex, a man he trusts and likes giving him an alternative perspective about consent and trust is likely to be more impactful than his mother telling him he’s disgusting and grounding him. I understand her reaction, I’d be the same, but model decent manhood to him, don’t just shame him.

@misssunshine4040 thats what I thought , we don't even know if the girl was also drinking She could of been stone cold sober ?
I never get why if both parties are very drunk why it is only the boy who is to blame
If they both consent whilst drunk surely its the same