Advice needed about partners 15 y/o son

[WorriedMatt]

I'm a man, looking for advice about how to deal with a situation involving my partner's 15 year old son. Background is that me and his mum have been together for about 4 years but we don't live together. I live on my own, she lives with her son. The son and I have always got on reasonably well, but I've never tried to act like a parent.

Earlier he phoned me and asked if I could pick him up from his mate's house. This is unusual, he rarely asks me for a lift unless we're going in the same direction. But he couldn't call his mum as she's at work, and he said he didn't have any money for a bus.

When I picked him up he was in a right state. He said he'd had a massive fight with his mate and now his mate didn't want anything to do with him. This all relates to a party they went to on Saturday (having lied to his mum about where he was going). At the party he'd got drunk and had sex with his mate's girlfriend.

It turns out that this is not the first time him and his mate have been drunk, and it's not the first time he's had casual sex.

He's asked me not to tell his mum any of this. I think I'll have to when she gets home from work. Meanwhile I have a moody 15 year old who seems heartbroken that he's fallen out with his best mate yet cannot see that anything he did was wrong.

His mum will be heartbroken - he' always been a really good kid, well behaved and never really shown an interest in girls. His mum has never known about any girlfriends, and in fact thought he was gay.

If you were the mum, would you want to know? Or should I keep this between me and him?

Whether she was in the right state of mind to make that decision being drunk at a party is doubtful

In which case he's a rapist.

Don't minimise this as him just being a lad and something all teenage boys do.

There is more to this story. I bet he’s in a right state because he has been accused of something.
He needs to tell his mum asap before this gets any worse.

The bit that's easily forgotten here is that 15 year olds cannot legally consent to sex. So he's technically both a victim and a suspect of serious sexual assault/rape and I don't think that's something you can keep from his mother unfortunately. Regardless of the fact he was clearly up for it, the girl may not be or may change her mind, and technically underage sex is rape as they cannot consent until they're 16.

You need to have a strong word. Disrespectful doesn't come into it. He's lucky he still has teeth doing that to his 'best mate'.

@Christinatheastonishing thank you very much for this post. You have confirmed what I knew all along; mum needs to know.

I am pleased he told me (and I now realise, perhaps a bit too late, that I am probably the only male adult that he knows well enough to trust). But I am not his parent and it's not my place to conceal this from his parent now I know.

And I have to consider that she might hear about it from someone else like his mate's mum, if she knows.

I have asked him to think about what he ought to tell his mum. He needs to tell her he's been getting drunk and having sex, but I wouldn't be too worried if he doesn't tell her absolutely everything that he shared with me - some of which I wish he hadn't shared but once he opened up it all came flooding out.

I don't disagree with you there. This is weird thread from OP.

You might be right but he promises me he's being honest with me about everything. He says he's messaged the girl since and she's been fine with him.

His mood seems an over-reaction to falling out with a mate, but they were very close friends. They were always doing stuff together. Turns out they just weren't playing X-box or kicking a football around or whatever it is 15 year old lads are supposed to do these days!

@WorriedMatt Will you be telling the girl's parents about this too? I think they deserve to know so that they can make decisions.

Turns out they just weren't playing X-box or kicking a football around or whatever it is 15 year old lads are supposed to do these days!

Is this funny?

I won't, because I don't know who she is or who her parents are. But I agree with you that they should know what has been happening, as should his mate's parents. I'm afraid this is something my partner will have to deal with although I will support her in doing so.

As you are realising parenting of teenagers is complex. Mum needs to know about this definitely, and from her son. But well done - you have clearly formed a strong bond so the young man felt he could talk to you ( in a panic, because of circumstances = whatever - he talked to you). But part of protecting young people - be they "victim" or "aggressor" (to use some of the very non-palatable language in safeguarding) means knowing when to hand-over to the next best placed person. (Mum, in this situation). But keep that open channel with this young man - be honest with him about why you need to speak to his mum.

What they hell? Why is this boy now being called a rapist and a sexual predator?
He's 15 and had sex with a girl who was also drunk.
At 15 they hardly have marriages, mortgages and commitments so why the aggro about it being his friends GF?
The boy said they had slept with each others Gf's before so clearly it's not a serious relationship.
Maybe his mate thought it was and that's why he fell out with him.
And to the people saying they doubt the girl wanted sex? Double standards! I remember plenty of girls sleeping with different boys every weekend when they were out drinking etc when I was younger it was completely consensual and no one acted as though it wasn't.
So dangerous to start making assumptions from nothing
I wouldn't tell his mum, he confided in you.

@misssunshine4040
Your comments are absolutely shocking.

Why is it shocking?
Surely it's shocking to make assumptions that are very serious about something you have very limited information on

The fact that you seem to think underage sex is it ok - more so while under the influence. I take it you don’t know what the law says regarding this.
This is serious and needs to be addressed asap or this boy is going to get himself into all sorts of trouble (if he hasn’t already).
Give your head a wobble.

No, that's not what I mean at all. You have taken my comments out of context.
Of course I do not think that it is ok.
My point was plenty teenagers do willingly engage whether we like it or not, same as underage drinking.
I don't condone it all, neither things.
The op doesn't either but he also accepts that he himself did both when he was a teen.
I was meaning the assumption that boy has in some way committed some awful crime is a leap

Glad you've decided to speak to his mum, I agree that that is the right course of action.

Having said that, maybe do it when DS isn't around or when you are both away from the house if she is likely to react badly. She needs to address this calmly not blow up, so it might be good to gatekeeper her in a place where she has a chance to blow up a bit then calm down.

There's a few issues in my mind:

1 - neither your partner son or his friend are being respectful, swapping girlfriends
2 - there seems to be a fair bit of casual sex and condoms are not infallible, plus with them being drunk there is the possibility condoms are not being used. Unless he wants to be a 15 yr old dad or a 15 yr old with genital warts he needs to reign it in.
3 - this could all play out very badly when they return to school. Right now they are a group of kids engaging in adult activities. If they are still fighting about this when they are in school in a few weeks it could raise issues with teachers and safeguarding. All it would take is one of the underage girls who is being swapped about to raise a complaint and there could be all kinds of trouble.
4 - his actions will lose him friendships and he needs to understand that.

Glad you've decided to speak to his mum, I agree that that is the right course of action.

Having said that, maybe do it when DS isn't around or when you are both away from the house if she is likely to react badly. She needs to address this calmly not blow up, so it might be good to gatekeeper her in a place where she has a chance to blow up a bit then calm down.

I'm repeating myself a bit and the OP has already acknowledged my post but just.... NO!

Again, as a woman in a very similar situation it's not for my partner, who is not close to my kids, to intervene and try to manage me and my responses to their behaviour. I'm not some unreasonable harpy causing the males in my life to have to collude behind my back.

If I'm angry at my teenagers it's because they fucking deserve it and my partner would be on very rocky ground if I felt he didn't trust me to handle my own kids in my own way.

Don't worry, I've no intention of interfering. I will make sure he tells his mum, then it's down to her to deal with it. I'll be there if she wants to talk things through with another adult but I won't get involved in telling her how she should react. He's not my kid and our relationship is not father (or step father)/son.

I'm not sure how she'll react because he's never been in trouble before - he's always done well at school, been a good kid at home and she's always been proud of him. He's never come home drunk or hungover as far as I know so I think this will all come as a big shock to her.

What surprises me is that this (the sex) has been going on for over a year, including sometimes in her house, without her having any idea at all. He is clearly very good at deception and it makes me wonder whether there is anything else we don't know about him.

The falling out with best friend, the getting drunk etc are all minor issues compared with this boys attitude to casual sex with under age girls. They have often swapped girlfriends for sex???? The girl wanted more sex?

He needs a sit down, fast, about consent, respect and the dangers of unprotected sex.

There are a few people have commented on the "girl wanted more sex". I don't want to defend what the boy did but I can well believe she said this, in her drunken state. She'd already had sex with her boyfriend at the party so clearly is no angel.

NB I moderated the language. "wanted more sex" is not exactly the phrase he used but I didn't want to repeat the exact words as they are unpleasant.

I think both him and his mate need a good talking to. They appear to have been encouraging each other and normalising each other's behaviour.

This is really worrying. He needs conversations about consent, bodily autonomy and female sexuality pronto.

It implies that he thought the girl was available for his ‘use’ because his friend had already had his fill. Awful.

And your own language is very telling. She'd already had sex with her boyfriend at the party so clearly is no angel.

"She'd already had sex with her boyfriend at the party so clearly is no angel."

Well that's disappointing, you were doing so well.

Care to expand on this point?

I am sorry to disappoint. I am not the lad's father and my own experience of teenage girls is limited to when I was a teenager myself. But I do remember some girls who, for whatever reason wanted to have sex with different boys.

The point I am trying (badly) to make is that the lad told me the girl encouraged him to sleep with her. I do not find this implausible and whilst he should not have taken advantage of her drunken state, neither should she have taken advantage of him.

I agree with all the comments that he needs to learn to be respectful to girls (and, frankly, to himself), but I think this also applies to the girl. They both wanted to have sex with each other and in my view that makes them both as bad as each other.