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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Dd16 pregnant

101 replies

Chocachocaholic · 06/05/2022 13:24

Don't really know what I want from this thread. Maybe to just vent to another mum without been judged.
So in December dd16 started seeing someone who she tried keeping quiet. Early this year we found out who it was and that he is 22. We weren't happy but I find sometimes the more you try and go against them the more you encourage it so I let her know how I felt about it and left it to see what happens. In feb she found out he had given her an std. I thought this would be the end of it but no it wasn't she loves him
She's staying with hum etc...they only meet up a couple of times a month due to her school and his work schedule so again I gritted my teeth and thought it would fizzle out. Now we've found out she's pregnant (11 weeks) and that she wants to have an abortion which I'm now having to hand hold her for. I'm her mum and I love her but o don't know whether to be angry or upset. I just keep wondering if I'd put my foot down and stopped her would it still have happened, is it my fault etc...
My husband (step dad of 8 years) is actually livid about it and wants me to punish her etc but I feel like going through the abortion is punishment enough. So now we are arguing.
This morning we went for the appointment to get her ready for the abortion and she was just sitting there chatting away like nothing had happened and I just wanted to tell her to shut up!
Her actual abortion isn't scheduled Until the 19th as they couldn't get her in any quicker and my husband and thinks I should be making her feel bad so she understands what she's done is wrong but I just disagree and don't want her to feel bad as I'm her mum and I don't wish that on her but I'm also annoyed with how she is acting like it's all ok. But at the same time she will be in the middle of her GCSEs and I don't want her to be distracted as she is on track to be gaining 7s and 8s
Has anyone been through similar. How did you cope?
I think I mainly feel I've failed her as a parent.

OP posts:

roosnunlilei · 06/05/2022 13:26

Be grateful she is opting for a termination.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2022 13:29

roosnunlilei · 06/05/2022 13:26

Be grateful she is opting for a termination.

This. And tell your husband to shut his mouth and stay the fuck out of it. This has nothing to do with him.

Beamur · 06/05/2022 13:31

Hindsight is a marvellous thing.
Her boyfriend sounds like a peach. Is she still seeing him?
Once or twice a week sounds like perhaps he has other women on the go too. Plus a STD...
It's hard isn't it. Get her through the GCSEs first and foremost.
Maybe being a bit disconnected from the termination is not a bad thing right now. She sounds intelligent but naive in how you have described her.

TeenPlusCat · 06/05/2022 13:32

You haven't failed as a parent.
She has come to you and letting you help - that is success.
You are protecting her from step-Dad going OTT - that is success.

Get the termination done, and through the GCSEs. Then maybe chats after that?
The termination is the week GCSEs start isn't it? Focusing on GCSEs may be the better option.

heldinadream · 06/05/2022 13:34

He wants to punish her?
Please don't let the idea that she should be punished gain any traction. If he can't see how inappropriate his response is he shouldn't be having anything to do with parenting her at all. She needs loving support to get through this.

Beamur · 06/05/2022 13:35

She has come to you for help and support. That's pretty decent parenting.
She's being groomed by an older man, I don't think you can hold her wholly responsible for the consequences of that.

Louise0701 · 06/05/2022 13:36

Seems you both have shit taste in men, tbh OP.

You’re doing the right thing by being there. She may be trying to block it off so whilst she appears to be fine on the surface, don’t count on this being the case.

MangoJuice008 · 06/05/2022 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TonySmart · 06/05/2022 13:40

Fucking hell, your husband sounds disgusting?

Punish her?? How?

It sounds as though you also want her to be more ashamed and sad. So what if she's talking? Would you prefer her to be hanging her head and begging for forgiveness?

GalactatingGoddess · 06/05/2022 13:42

You're allowed to feel angry and upset OP. But the main thing is that your daughter is supported through something that might not feel traumatic to her now, but potentially may be later. She needs to know you're there, and it seems like you are. I imagine a termination is 'punishment' enough really.

I have 3 friends who all got pregnant at 15/16 (honestly) and all had terminations. They do all reflect back on them now they are older and are so glad they had family who they could turn to. That being said, I also have a friend who had her daughter age 14, was a huge struggle but she has an amazing life now. Anyway that's irrelevant.

You seem like you're doing a good job, and it's good news that she even came to you about it as it will have been really hard! Your partner on the other hand has no idea about how this may feel for her clearly...

sonsmum · 06/05/2022 13:42

I think you need to support her as much as it sounds like you are. Be very cautious that she may be putting on a front but actually harbouring very different thoughts internally. She may secretly be struggling or she may struggle in the future when she has grown up more and understands the severity of this situation. Don't judge, however you will need to have conversations with her at a later stage to prevent a repeat of this experience. (Don't blame yourself over not stepping in over the 22 yr old. She'd have seen him anyway somehow)

Playplayaway · 06/05/2022 13:45

Yes thank goodness shes made a sensible decision. You've done well with her to help her.

Your dh is very wrong. I bet he is isn't squeaky clean, or was he still a virgin at 16? Your dd needs unconditional love and support right now. When it's done then you can have a chat about moving forward and being careful with birth control and STD's.. but punishment? No!

Greensleeves · 06/05/2022 13:45

You're right to support her and hold her hand while she goes through this very difficult experience. There's absolutely no point in getting angry with her and it would be cruel to add to the stress she is under.

Your DH worries me. He is livid and wants you to punish her? What is the fucking matter with him?!

Whoatealltheminieggs · 06/05/2022 13:52

Having the abortion is quite punishment enough. Not that punishment should be a word in all this. You’re doing the right thing. Your husband clearly has no idea what this sort of thing entails and how much support she’ll need.

Whoatealltheminieggs · 06/05/2022 13:55

Also she might be putting up
a front. Teenagers do that. They like to pretend they’re infallible when actually they’re scared. I doubt she’ll be as blasé when the abortion actually happens. She’ll be what 14 weeks by then? That’s not easy

Staynow · 06/05/2022 13:58

What is punishment going to do apart from push her further into his arms? What she needs is even more love so she is less likely to look for it in the wrong places.
The bf sounds absolutely awful - 22 and 16 are worlds apart, she's probably just a toy to him. It's got abusive written all over it IMO. Have you met him?
Chatting and appearing fine is probably her way of coping, the chatting distracts from the reality of the situation and appearing fine may be all an act. All you can do is be there for her. I would talk to her though about different methods of abuse - coercion etc - or get some stuff for her to read. Also contraception of course - he might not want to use condoms which if she won't insist is a big problem. Will she talk to you about it all?

blueagain · 06/05/2022 14:00

You’re being a supportive parent in very difficult circumstances. Keep doing this. She’s 16. How the hell does he think she should be punished? A spanking!! Ridiculous. I think you should be having tough talks with her about the impact of what’s happened and that she really needs to be on contraception. She should also be insisting on condoms if he’s giving her STI’s. See if there is a senior nurse who can talk to her.

bengalcat · 06/05/2022 14:03

Poor child - because that’s what she is . I’d be supporting my ‘ baby ‘ who doubtless is troubled as others have said and putting on a brave face .
Well done for that .
As for your DH - punish her ! - he’d be out the door .

picklemewalnuts · 06/05/2022 14:05

You are doing a grand job. Hang in there- I can only imagine how stressful it is.

Your husband may not be a bad man, but he's seriously misguided about this. Tell him it's women's business and he has no idea what she's going through. Make sure he doesn't have the opportunity to nag her over the coming weeks. Keep them apart.

3luckystars · 06/05/2022 14:06

Your husband sounds awful, I would dump him and show her that women don’t have to put up with shit anymore. Good luck.

JustOneMoreNameChange · 06/05/2022 14:08

Her level of maturity is also going to contribute to her attitude to the choice to terminate. At 16, it may well be an easy, black and white choice to her. As she gets older, she may reflect with a more nuanced view

I miscarried at 19 and was just relieved I didn't need to arrange an abortion. The pregnancy was unplanned (contraceptive failure, I was on the pill) and I'd split up by the time I found out. I was about 6 weeks and would have terminated the pregnancy without further thought I I had not spontaneously lost it.

I also miscarried a very much wanted baby at 28. That was a totally different experience.

What a termination means to you or her will be different things.

Bimster · 06/05/2022 14:09

Tell your husband to fuck off.

Maybe if you'd put your foot down this wouldn't have happened...or maybe it would still have happened but she wouldn't have told you about it? Not worth beating yourself up about- the best thing to do is focus on supporting your daughter. Is the chap still on the scene?

AngelinaFibres · 06/05/2022 14:11

It is none if her step father's business. Absolutely none.

2bazookas · 06/05/2022 14:13

Get her through the termination.

Then get her through her exams.

Then deal with useless stepfather.

Maverick101 · 06/05/2022 14:16

Punish her for what? As far as I can see you didn't forbid her to see him and she's legally old enough to have sex. And even if those things weren't true I'm not sure what punishing would achieve. It's certainly not appropriate.

She's also chosen a perfectly legal solution to get dilemma -- not sure why you have an issue with her chatting normally? Do you want her to don a hair shirt? Why?
Be grateful she's not wanting to persist with the pregnancy.
What I'd like to say about your husband and his attitude would get my post deleted so I'll refrain.

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