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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Dd16 pregnant

101 replies

Chocachocaholic · 06/05/2022 13:24

Don't really know what I want from this thread. Maybe to just vent to another mum without been judged.
So in December dd16 started seeing someone who she tried keeping quiet. Early this year we found out who it was and that he is 22. We weren't happy but I find sometimes the more you try and go against them the more you encourage it so I let her know how I felt about it and left it to see what happens. In feb she found out he had given her an std. I thought this would be the end of it but no it wasn't she loves him
She's staying with hum etc...they only meet up a couple of times a month due to her school and his work schedule so again I gritted my teeth and thought it would fizzle out. Now we've found out she's pregnant (11 weeks) and that she wants to have an abortion which I'm now having to hand hold her for. I'm her mum and I love her but o don't know whether to be angry or upset. I just keep wondering if I'd put my foot down and stopped her would it still have happened, is it my fault etc...
My husband (step dad of 8 years) is actually livid about it and wants me to punish her etc but I feel like going through the abortion is punishment enough. So now we are arguing.
This morning we went for the appointment to get her ready for the abortion and she was just sitting there chatting away like nothing had happened and I just wanted to tell her to shut up!
Her actual abortion isn't scheduled Until the 19th as they couldn't get her in any quicker and my husband and thinks I should be making her feel bad so she understands what she's done is wrong but I just disagree and don't want her to feel bad as I'm her mum and I don't wish that on her but I'm also annoyed with how she is acting like it's all ok. But at the same time she will be in the middle of her GCSEs and I don't want her to be distracted as she is on track to be gaining 7s and 8s
Has anyone been through similar. How did you cope?
I think I mainly feel I've failed her as a parent.

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 06/05/2022 14:16

Get her through the abortion. Get good contraception in place, like the implant. And get her through her GCSE’s.
This is not the time to be telling her off and sending her to her room.

Maverick101 · 06/05/2022 14:17

Her dilemma not get dilemma. Sigh.

diddl · 06/05/2022 14:35

She'll probably get through this & have a crash further along.

Chatting as normal is perhaps her way of getting through it?

What does your husband think that she has done wrong?

Not used contraception?

Perhaps the actual adult in the equation should have taken some/more responsibility?

There are women 20yrs older who find themselves with unwanted pregnancies!

Your husband needs to stfu & be glad that she is having a termination & he won't soon be living with a newborn!

I hope that she stays as strong & sensible about this as she has been so far.

Minimalme · 06/05/2022 14:38

The only thing she's done wrong is not using contraception. She should be on the pill and doubling up with co dons to prevent STDs.

Please just be kind to her - she doesn't owe you, your husband or anyone else an apology.

Her life, her body.

nearlyspringyay · 06/05/2022 14:42

Be glad she confided in you and you can support her through it. I had a termination at almost 17. It was a fact that had to be dealt with, I have never had a moments regret or upset over it, a baby then would have ruined my life.

I never told my mum.

Maurepas · 06/05/2022 14:47

No point in trying to start moralising nagging and outrage now. If she can face this matter without trauma so much the better. Hope she is Ok and the exams go well.

Pipsquiggle · 06/05/2022 15:04

Great that she's talking to you and getting it sorted.

I am hoping that she will be seeing this scrote of a BF less due to GCSEs and termination.

Don't punish her but you can talk about what a healthy relationship should look and feel like. Definitely get her sorted on contraception and tell her that men should wear condoms to stop STDs. I presume she knows that her 'BF' is most likely sleeping around? How does she feel about that?

Original poster

Chocachocaholic · 06/05/2022 15:17

Thank you for your responses. I know I'm
Lucky to have a daughter who is willing to come to me with these issues.
Those of you commenting about my husband. He has very old fashioned principles but he has already said he will drive us there and back etc he does always come round in the end but He just goes about things the wrong way.
I would always 100% support my daughter no matter what.
I was just not prepared of the mixed feelings and emotions I gave. Of course this is nothing. To what she will feel and I will be ensuring to keep as close as possible to make sure she's doing ok before and after.

She thinks bf is a saint and not sleeping around and that's it's not his fault he has work and can't take her to these appointments but to be honest I don't think I'd want him too anyway

OP posts:

PeekAtYou · 06/05/2022 15:18

Punish her for what? Getting pregnant? Having sex? Not using contraception? She was allowed to see the man.

I think you're doing the right thing by supporting her through the abortion and getting her through exams first.

Ime teenagers are often afraid to admit that they are scared. They pretend that they are adults who can handle everything when life isn't even like that. I think she's more likely to think about this at a later date like when she has her own child. My experience of kids is that their reaction to traumatic events happens later rather than at the time but that might be my kids.

If you're going to "do something" then wait until after exams and help her access contraception or whatever plan you come up with. I'm assuming that she's not "dating" him now ?

MardyOldGoth · 06/05/2022 15:19

Don't punish her. For what, anyway? Having a legal relationship with a dickhead? The punishment is having a relationship with a dickhead, getting an STI and having to have a termination, all of which are pretty grim! Clue her up on contraception, STI prevention and what a decent boyfriend looks like and hope she doesn't end up in this situation again, poor kid!

PeekAtYou · 06/05/2022 15:20

X-post She's still seeing him?

Hold fire until after exams.

TabithaTittlemouse · 06/05/2022 15:22

Your husband is as much of a dick as your dd’s boyfriend.

You are doing a great job.

Kat1953 · 06/05/2022 15:36

I'd be coming down hard on my DH if he wanted to punish her for falling pregnant at a legal age and in a legal relationship she's happy in.

She's done the right thing in coming to you for support.

He might not like what's happened, but she's making her own decisions and he's going to have to get used to that.

cardiffgal22 · 06/05/2022 15:41

Having had one myself at a similar age, having an abortion is definitely enough punishment. Whilst she may be outwardly laughing it’s likely she’e either in denial at this point or using it to mask her feelings. I didn’t tell anyone but wish I had, please be as supportive as possible and please don’t allow your husband to make her feel guilty for what has happened. She is only young and this is likely to be a defining moment in her life. Mistakes happen, it doesn’t mean she has done anything wrong or you are a bad parent. I hope all goes well 💐

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2022 15:49

This is not the time to address anything. I agree with everyone else. Get her through the abortion, her exams and find a way to get her away from the boyfriend.

Scoobydoobydoo · 06/05/2022 15:50

Please do look after yourself too OP.

recoveringyoungalco · 06/05/2022 15:58

I think you sound like a fantastic mum and you're doing everything right by your daughter. Maybe when all has settled tell her that BF is a di£k and get her on the bar. No need for further punishment. An abortion is never an easy answer.

Norush4 · 06/05/2022 16:01

Did you speak to your DD about taking contraception before she fell pregnant OP? Your husband needs to stand back and keep out ridiculous idea about the punishment for your DD.

Everyone handles situations differently I suspect on the 19th things will become very real. The BF sounds terrible and I would be having a chat with his mother because I'm not sure what a 22 year old wants with a school girl!

Would your DD have the implant?

Original poster

Chocachocaholic · 06/05/2022 16:06

Thank you everyone.

She was on the pill but apparently stopped taking it because it was making her bleed too much but she didn't tell me.
She didn't think she would get caught out as they don't do it often 🤦🏼‍♀️
We've discussed the implant before But flat lit refuses so not sure how I can force that one. I had an implant for 10 years before having my oldest dd came off it to have my youngest dd and now back on it but she still won't be swayed with it. Maybe after this she will change her mind

OP posts:

KevinTheKoala · 06/05/2022 16:12

Of course she thinks her boyfriend is a Saint, she's 16, in her first serious relationship where the emotions feel 100x more intense with an older guy who's paying her attention - it's the ultimate compliment.... Until you get older and realise how gross the whole thing was. I was your daughter OP, only I didn't have a supportive mum, I did get punished and I had a miscarriage alone because I wasn't sensible and I did want to keep it. I really cannot convey how brilliant you are for being there to support her, even if you are are disapointed, angry, upset with her - you are supporting her and that will mean more than anything.

Punishing her will only push her away, make her feel even worse and she will likely feel something after its all said and done - it is a huge thing to have to go through at any age, let alone at 16. She is doing the sensible thing at least so be grateful for that. She does need some decent contraception and I'd be very concerned about her future risk of STDs as well but sadly I'm not sure how you could get her to listen where that's concerned. Just continue to be there for her.

Norush4 · 06/05/2022 16:15

What about the injection? I think the pill is only any good if you will take it. Perhaps leave it for now but after the abortion mention it.

Ponderingwindow · 06/05/2022 16:20

You can’t punish her for an unintended pregnancy. Be happy she is being sensible and proceeding with a termination.

going forward you talk and talk and talk. You talk about her future. You talk about your own choices at this age and your own missteps. You talk about how relationships feel incredibly intense when you are 16 or even 26, just any time they are new. You talk about how no responsible, 22 year old would ever date a 16 year old because he would understand the inherit power imbalance in the relationship. You just keep talking and hope you can keep her focused on her education despite whatever other distractions there may be in her life.

Babdoc · 06/05/2022 16:21

Maybe suggest to your silly DH that the person who needs “punishing” is the 22 year old shit of a man who got his DD pregnant, cheated on her and gave her an STD.
Get the termination and the exams out of the way, then sit down with your DD for a lengthy heart to heart about relationships, contraception, red flags, grooming by older men, STD prevention, etc etc. She seems a typical naive teenager who is way out of her depth.

Marvellousmadness · 06/05/2022 16:21

Wow. Im with your dh op.

Id be livid too! lets be honest here
She is 16 and got herself pregnant. And now she has to get an abortion which comes with a truck full of emotions that she will carry around for the rest of her life :'( .

And she got pregnant from a 22yo? That is illegal where im from...

Beautiful3 · 06/05/2022 16:25

No please don't make her feel bad for being pregnant, just be pleased that she doesn't want to keep it. Support her with the abortion, and get her on birth control ASAP.

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