Dd16 pregnant

[Chocachocaholic]

Don't really know what I want from this thread. Maybe to just vent to another mum without been judged.
So in December dd16 started seeing someone who she tried keeping quiet. Early this year we found out who it was and that he is 22. We weren't happy but I find sometimes the more you try and go against them the more you encourage it so I let her know how I felt about it and left it to see what happens. In feb she found out he had given her an std. I thought this would be the end of it but no it wasn't she loves him
She's staying with hum etc...they only meet up a couple of times a month due to her school and his work schedule so again I gritted my teeth and thought it would fizzle out. Now we've found out she's pregnant (11 weeks) and that she wants to have an abortion which I'm now having to hand hold her for. I'm her mum and I love her but o don't know whether to be angry or upset. I just keep wondering if I'd put my foot down and stopped her would it still have happened, is it my fault etc...
My husband (step dad of 8 years) is actually livid about it and wants me to punish her etc but I feel like going through the abortion is punishment enough. So now we are arguing.
This morning we went for the appointment to get her ready for the abortion and she was just sitting there chatting away like nothing had happened and I just wanted to tell her to shut up!
Her actual abortion isn't scheduled Until the 19th as they couldn't get her in any quicker and my husband and thinks I should be making her feel bad so she understands what she's done is wrong but I just disagree and don't want her to feel bad as I'm her mum and I don't wish that on her but I'm also annoyed with how she is acting like it's all ok. But at the same time she will be in the middle of her GCSEs and I don't want her to be distracted as she is on track to be gaining 7s and 8s
Has anyone been through similar. How did you cope?
I think I mainly feel I've failed her as a parent.

If she already picked up a STD clearly they aren’t using condoms 🙄

🤣🤣🤣🤣
i think you’re confusing her with Mary who as far as I know is only woman to have supposedly had a virgin birth 🤦‍♀️

@CallMeDaddy58 yes HE IS. But OPS DD is not! I would not usually advise things like that HOWEVER I do not think it's unreasonable of OP in this situation. This grown man has given a school girl an STD and got her pregnant.... not even that because accidents happen. But why isn't he attending the abortion clinic???

Yes I will say it again for you personally I would be speaking to his family. This is what's lacking in a British culture. Have you not heard the term "it takes a villiage to raise a child".

@Chocachocaholic

You sound a great mum however your husband sounds awful and unsupportive I'd be thinking of terminating that marriage aswell!

Please just support her through the termination - at least she is having one. Punishment is not the right thing. Think of the positives - she trusts you enough to tell you these things, she comes to you with her problems, she's actively talking to you and also having a termination. Just support her through her GCSEs and fingers crossed the guy isn't around!

Shes not the first, she won't be the last.

Your daughter will look back on this when she’s an adult and the way you handled it, whether it be with kindness and understanding or punishment as your husband wants, will be one of the things that stands out the most to her.
Choose wisely; my Mum didn’t and I’m still resentful of her 13 years later.

At least she came home and told you that she is pregnant and she wants an abortion. She could have kept the pregnancy a secret until it was to late to get an abortion.
She could have come home and said she is pregnant and keeping it. At 16 she could think having a baby is easy and that it would mean her boyfriend would stay around.

I would tell your husband that he is not to give out or say anything to her about this pregnancy. I tell him as well that your not happy over this but your going support her getting an abortion and through her GCSEs. I also tell him he is to say nothing to her boyfriend.

Once her GCSEs are over you need to have a serious chat with her about contraception, condoms and sti and relationships in general. I have seen the freedom program mentioned on Mumsnet and people have said it good for teaching people how to avoid bad relationships ect. It might be worth looking into this.

At 16 we think we know it all and we don't have the life experience to know if a person or situation is good or bad. Their is a big difference in a 16 year old girl in her 1st relationship and a 22 year old man with several girlfriends/one night stands in the past. Why would a 22 year old get involved with a 16 year old? Is it because a woman of around his age can spot a player unlike a 16 year old.

I think your making the best of a horrible situation. You have your daughters back which is not easy considering that your not happy over an std or unplanned pregnancy. Along with this you want her to do well In her GCSEs so she have a better long term future.

OP, it’s great she’s having the termination and can talk to you.

but when the dust has settled, you and she need a serious talk about the relationship. It’s a much older man, who’s got her pregnant AND given her an STD. She is not able to look after herself in this relationship. She is not safe. It needs to end, in my view.

Punishment is not the answer. Sitting her down and explaining the situation is the answer. She needs to understand that abortion isn't a form on contraception and how it can effect you mentally and physically in the future. It's good that she has told you and as far as DH is acting sounds pretty calm to be honest. I'm sure most dads and stepdads wouldn't be. Like you said DH will come around. As for her acting like nothing is happening she is either hiding how she feels or simply hadn't grasped the enormity of the situation

What a relief that she has decided to terminate the pregnancy.

Take no notice of your DH. Maybe ask him why he thinks women should suffer and experience guilt and shame and punishment while her bf gets off Scot free?

Anyway, she has made a mistake and she is the one to suffer for it. She hasn’t done anything wrong or bad, just made got herself into difficulties.

What you need to do now is support your Dd and keep her close. Talk to her about putting herself and her own life first, and making a great job of her GCSEs. The closer and less judgemental you are, the better she will listen to you.

What a daunting experience for your dd, and you don't need to be angry or upset, you simply need to support her.

She is sixteen, still a child, she won't be especially stressed about the abortion in the way you are. It is a problem that needs to be fixed, and she has a solution. At her age everything is straight forward and sometimes lacks the emotional depth that we gather as we age. Be glad she is not sobbing all night and having second thoughts!

Your dh sounds horrendous. It is NOT his place to be involved with this in any shape or form. How are you even still with him?

You don't punish for pregnancies, it is not like the naughty step and she is four again. Is anyone rushing around to 'punish' the man who put her in this position?? No I thought not. I would end a relationship with a man that thought so little of my child op.

Your problem is not the pregnancy it is the man you have married. I hope your dd is okay and make sure she has counselling afterwards to process any feelings she might have. Be kind and loving, look after her. It is a big deal, even if she is unaware of it.

I agree with rain she is out of her depth, and the relationship with a man that is so much older than her is an issue, the power balance is working against your dd and she is not able to keep herself safe, she is too young to be with a man in his twenties op.

Thank you everyone. There is so much good advice here, I shall be reading through all your comments properly later tonight, possibly with a large glass of wine!

She is definitely emotionally immature but she is mature enough to have to come me about it so hopefully that means something.

Hoping now she can focus on her GCSEs before and after and that provides some help as a distraction for her in the mean time. She seems in good spirits today after school and is still looking very keen to revise and work hard 🙂

What has “taking a village to raise a child” got to do with anything?

What do you expect his mother to do?? Maybe OP should start with meeting the man impregnating her daughter instead of blaming his mother? I assume he also has a father? Or does the village you speak or not include the father?

At 22 he has a job and may live in his own home. He could have a bloody wife by the sounds of it honestly! But yes let’s get his mother involved 🙄

@CallMeDaddy58 I did not blame the mother what are you talking about? The grown man dating a school girl sounds repulsive my priority would be to inform his family I doubt she would be thrilled. Even if he has a wife .. she needs to know! His family need to be made aware that their Son dates school girls. I would not be rude to the man's mother but I would like to have a chat.

Makes no difference to OPS DD where he lives really .. I think we can gather he is irresponsible hence bypassing him as the first person to speak to!

The villiage does include the father. But I think it's too late for that don't you think? It's not that I don't think the father is accountable of course I do. This is pointless though I can see your unaware of how some from other cultures would do things..

Men seem to prey on emotionally immature girls / young women. It happened to me too. From about 15/16-19. I was also in the 5th year (year 11) when I met the first one, who must have been late 20s. I only saw the guy a few times but he strung me along for a couple of months. We didn’t have sex but I later discovered he lived with a woman, who was pregnant. Poor woman.

It is sad that your dd considers him, possibly any man a saint for not sleeping around. This is a really low standard to have. Sadly, I probably would have thought the same of any man at the time.

In order to have a proper boyfriend / partner, she needs to know what she likes about him and more importantly what she likes about herself, what she wants and what her boundaries are. Right now, unless I’m reading this wrongly, she seems more concerned with having someone, who’s (at least) faithful, hang how he treats her.

Wow tell the stepdad to butt out

I think in your shoes I’d be relieved she is opting to terminate and thrown all my energy into supporting her through that. Then take her out for some kind of treat day and (separately) try and get through to her about the importance of contraception. I’d probably try and be as welcoming as possible to the lad too- I’d want to get to know him better. Pushing her away from him will backfire.

She’s acting fine now, it will probably hit her when she has the abortion and she’ll need you. That is punishment enough. We all make mistakes, hopefully she learns from it.

Your daughters reproductive system is nothing to do with your partner.

Agree that you should be happy she is having a termination and I agree that this in itself is a trauma. Your husband needs to shut up and stay out of it.

She also needs some reliable contraception.

He gave her an STI. They BOTH need proper contraception. And she needs to stop consenting to sex without a condom otherwise he'll be giving her another one whether she's on the pill or not.

Your husband sounds vile. Support her and be glad she's making a sensible but difficult choice.