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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Dd16 pregnant

101 replies

Chocachocaholic · 06/05/2022 13:24

Don't really know what I want from this thread. Maybe to just vent to another mum without been judged.
So in December dd16 started seeing someone who she tried keeping quiet. Early this year we found out who it was and that he is 22. We weren't happy but I find sometimes the more you try and go against them the more you encourage it so I let her know how I felt about it and left it to see what happens. In feb she found out he had given her an std. I thought this would be the end of it but no it wasn't she loves him
She's staying with hum etc...they only meet up a couple of times a month due to her school and his work schedule so again I gritted my teeth and thought it would fizzle out. Now we've found out she's pregnant (11 weeks) and that she wants to have an abortion which I'm now having to hand hold her for. I'm her mum and I love her but o don't know whether to be angry or upset. I just keep wondering if I'd put my foot down and stopped her would it still have happened, is it my fault etc...
My husband (step dad of 8 years) is actually livid about it and wants me to punish her etc but I feel like going through the abortion is punishment enough. So now we are arguing.
This morning we went for the appointment to get her ready for the abortion and she was just sitting there chatting away like nothing had happened and I just wanted to tell her to shut up!
Her actual abortion isn't scheduled Until the 19th as they couldn't get her in any quicker and my husband and thinks I should be making her feel bad so she understands what she's done is wrong but I just disagree and don't want her to feel bad as I'm her mum and I don't wish that on her but I'm also annoyed with how she is acting like it's all ok. But at the same time she will be in the middle of her GCSEs and I don't want her to be distracted as she is on track to be gaining 7s and 8s
Has anyone been through similar. How did you cope?
I think I mainly feel I've failed her as a parent.

OP posts:

Oblomov22 · 06/05/2022 16:26

Good that you've already arranged an abortion. Chatting away at abortion clinic could be denial, or is she quite emotionally immature generally? Why didn't she care about contraception for not getting pregnant. Why didn't she care about using a condom to not get an STD? does she have low self-esteem? there is a lot here that would cause concern.

trockodile · 06/05/2022 16:27

Please tell her how proud you are of her, that she is mature enough to face up to the situation and ask for help. It is really impressive that she is planning on taking her GCSEs. Let her know its ok to feel relieved or conflicted about the abortion. She doesn’t have to feel guilty or act in a certain way. She’s in a messy situation, with an unreliable boyfriend-but so are many women much older than her. She hasn’t done anything wrong and there should be no thoughts of punishment by anyone. It’s understandable that you feel you’ve failed as a parent-we all feel like that with teenagers! But think how much worse it could be if she didn’t confide in you and give yourself a break!

Velvian · 06/05/2022 16:32

Your DH is totally out of order. It is your DD going through this, not you or your DH.

A 22 YO that opt to be be with a 16 YO is a big concern, she will have felt pressure to act more grown up and feeling insecure and unworthy due to being so much younger. I've been there including the pregnancy at 16.

It is good she wants an abortion, she will need cast iron contraception after this. I hope she can realise her worth and ditch the man.

OhRiRi · 06/05/2022 16:33

Where did a 16 year old meet a 22 year old?

Oblomov22 · 06/05/2022 16:34

The more you tell us, eg re often, bleeding, the more it sounds like she doesn't have good enough sense, to realise that he's a twat, and that she should have more self respect. The fact she wasn't bothered that he gave her an STD speaks volumes.

"don't make her feel bad for being pregnant, "

"You can’t punish her for an unintended pregnancy"

I completely disagree. Whether it was unintended is irrelevant - she's not mature enough to make sensible decisions about contraception, therefore she's not mature enough to be actually having sex.

Velvian · 06/05/2022 16:35

If she wants to chat and make small talk with you, FGS don't shoot her down. She will have a lot going on under the surface. She needs you, she is still a child.

Manekinek0 · 06/05/2022 16:36

You are so lucky that your DD is being mature and dealing with the pregnancy rather than burying her head in the sand.

She is her own person and she is going to make mistakes. You can't punish her for not living in the way that you want. All you can do is support her and hope that she ditches him.

stopwaitingforpermissiontobeyou · 06/05/2022 16:41

Your husband thinks you should be making her feel bad at the same time she will have to pass an aborted baby at 16?

Wow.

TonyBlairsLover · 06/05/2022 16:44

hope you’re ok OP. He sounds proper dodgy and like a groomer. I’d keep it hush cos that’ll go off like Baghdad in the safeguarding department of her school

CallMeDaddy58 · 06/05/2022 16:57

You sound like a wonderful Mum.

PP going on about how it’s a “legal relationship”…give your heads a wobble. “Legal” doesn’t mean morale. A 22 year old adult should not be having a sexual relationship with a 16 year old child. End of story.

I’d be seriously questioning how this relationship even started. Where is a 16 year old meeting a grown man? Her body, her choice…sure, but she lives under her parents roof and is a CHILD. It’s perfectly reasonable for her parents and step parent to want to at the very least meet her BF. Even if he was also 16, but especially if he’s an adult with a bloody job whose gotten her pregnant and given her an STD. Of course she shouldn’t be punished for any of this but boundaries for Christs sakes. At 16 you still need the guidance of your parents, whether you want it or not.

GandTfortea · 06/05/2022 16:58

The only worrying thing in all this is your husbands dreadful attitude
sounds to me like both mother and daughter have dreadful taste in men .
set her a better example and she might follow it

Beamur · 06/05/2022 17:00

Marvellousmadness · 06/05/2022 16:21

Wow. Im with your dh op.

Id be livid too! lets be honest here
She is 16 and got herself pregnant. And now she has to get an abortion which comes with a truck full of emotions that she will carry around for the rest of her life :'( .

And she got pregnant from a 22yo? That is illegal where im from...

It takes 2 people to get pregnant you know. This is not just on the girl.
It's not illegal to be sexually active at 16.
Yes, she will have to deal with any emotions that the abortion creates. However, the alternative is having a baby which given the already unhealthy relationship she's in hardly seems like a sensible choice.

CallMeDaddy58 · 06/05/2022 17:01

Norush4 · 06/05/2022 16:01

Did you speak to your DD about taking contraception before she fell pregnant OP? Your husband needs to stand back and keep out ridiculous idea about the punishment for your DD.

Everyone handles situations differently I suspect on the 19th things will become very real. The BF sounds terrible and I would be having a chat with his mother because I'm not sure what a 22 year old wants with a school girl!

Would your DD have the implant?

Having a chat with his mother??? He’s 22!! He’s a grown man!

powershowerforanhour · 06/05/2022 17:02

"Id be livid too! lets be honest here
She is 16 and got herself pregnant."

Wow! Quite the miracle eh. If one of my daughters gets herself pregnant in future I won't be livid, I'll be asking her if she would consider letting somebody do a case report for the biggest peer reviewed journal they could find.

Elsiebear90 · 06/05/2022 17:04

Punish her for what? Having sex? She’s allowed to? Falling accidentally pregnant, we don’t punish grown women for that so why a 16 year old? Having shit taste I men? She’s learning the hard way with that already. I think she’s been through enough catching an STD and having an abortion, there’s nothing to punish her for.

Instead maybe try to work out why she has such low self esteem she stuck with a guy who gave her an STD and doesn’t use contraception.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 06/05/2022 17:09

Punish her? What an arsehole.
One of mine got pregnant in her teens. I went with her for the appt. It was accidental and the right choice for her. I thank all the womens rights campaigners that she had the right to choose. Keep your dd close to you. Keep your dh out of it. And give considered advice about relationships. 15/16 and 22 is not right.

Hmum0fthree · 06/05/2022 17:11

@Chocachocaholic when you found out he had given her an STI did you then talk to her about going on to contraception to stop a pregnancy or not?

She's 16 which is the legal age to give consent, your other half has no right to punish her or want you to punish her! She sounds very immature if she can't see the severity of the situation.

Whadda · 06/05/2022 17:11

I’ve never bought into the narrative that a woman who has had an abortion did it after lots of hand-wringing and Carrie’s the decision around with her for life. For some women, that is the case but for many it’s a relief, or a procedure that doesn’t take up much headspace.

Would you really want her to be a devastated emotional wreck?

I’d spend my energy in getting her some support in the form of therapy to try and unpack why she thinks that unprofessional sex with a 22 year old, STD-riddled ephebophile is a person that she’d run to time and again.

I would also do everything I could to keep them apart.

yousexybugger · 06/05/2022 17:12

You sound like an approachable and loving mum so keep doing what you're doing. She would have found a way to keep seeing the bf regardless so you did your best.

Make clear to DH that an abortion is sufficient punishment, especially followed by exams, and that you don't want to make her feel isolated at a difficult time as this could lead to worse decisions and her closing the lines of communication down.

Hopefully she should see the light about her so called boyfriend after this. Gives her an STD and won't even offer to take her to the clinic? He's not even got the excuse of being a teenager.

I would say try not to read anything into her behaviour at the appointments. I had a termination as a young adult and sat there chattering away with nerves, I noticed another young woman with her mother who didn't stop making jokes. It's probably just her way of coping.

yousexybugger · 06/05/2022 17:14

Make clear to DH that an abortion is sufficient punishment, especially followed by exams

I don't mean she's done anything punishable, sorry, I mean that she will have enough to contend with as it is without him adding Victorian parenting techniques on top.

SweetPetrichor · 06/05/2022 17:16

Not much you can punish her with anyway but if she were my child she’d know very well how disappointed I was in her…STD then pregnancy. I certainly wouldn’t be holding her hand through it.

BreakorMake · 06/05/2022 17:18

Remember you are her mum and a good caring one, but you are NOT her friend.

Time to take the gloves off and find out who he is, how they met and if she intends to keep seeing him. If she lives with you I would insist on the implant. Neither she nor you and DH can go through a repeat performance of her current situation. She is not an adult yet, although I know it is legal for her to have sex.

Sometimes you have to be the adult in the room for her sake in the long run.

ScrollingLeaves · 06/05/2022 17:19

@heldinadream · 06/05/2022 13:34
He wants to punish her?
Please don't let the idea that she should be punished gain any traction. If he can't see how inappropriate his response is he shouldn't be having anything to do with parenting her at all. She needs loving support to get through this.

I agree. The more support you can give her now the better her chances in the future ( including of leaving this utter creep).

Does her own father give her any support?

FabulousKilljoys · 06/05/2022 17:21

She is 16 and got herself pregnant.

She did not get HERSELF pregnant. Her boyfriend got her pregnant. And they are both at fault for having unprotected sex. Please try and remember it takes 2 people to make a baby.

OP you sound like a caring parent, not sure what kind of 'punishment' your DH expects to mete out on a 16 year old. Whatever it is, it shouldn't happen. I hope things go smoothly for your DD.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/05/2022 17:27

None of this is going to be fun for her, and maybe she's not letting on how scared she is.
I think it's great that she can talk to you, and it would be an idea to have conversations around informed consent.
If the same guy gives her an STD and then she gets pregnant, she clearly isn't using a condom. Is this older guy pressurising her to have unprotected sex? Is she frightened to say no? Does she know how to say no?
Maybe have discussions around why he thinks it's OK to put a 16 year old child at risk, on more than one occasion, and what that says about him as a human being. Point out that caring, decent men don't behave like that and explain that for these reasons you'd prefer her not to spend time with him as he does not have her best interests at heart, and you don't feel she is able to protect herself.
And yes, feel free to ask him, in front of her, why he isn't using a condom, and why he thinks it's OK to take advantage of her willingness to please.
And ask your husband to be more understanding. Is he setting a good example of how a caring decent man should behave?

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