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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

To send DD to boarding school

104 replies

Cocopogo · 25/03/2022 23:15

DD 13 is completely out of control. She has no respect for me or our house. She makes false accusations against me. I’m considering boarding school because she’s throwing her life away with her temper and nasty mouth.

OP posts:
Isausernameavailable · 25/03/2022 23:17

Can you afford it?

SonicBroom · 25/03/2022 23:22

No judgment from me, just to say sorry you’re going through this and it won’t last forever.

The only thing I’d say though is if you do, don’t present boarding school as a punishment. Perhaps offer it up as an alternative option where she might be happier, make it feel like it’s on her terms. The last thing you need on top of what’s going on is an abandonment complex

ThisisMax · 25/03/2022 23:23

Ummmm. I dont this thread is gonna go well. But I will bite first.
I think thats a crazy idea. Of course you get pushback at that age, its time to parent, not offload.

EstelleCostanza · 25/03/2022 23:24

Boarding school is not a place for a child with problems.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 25/03/2022 23:26

@ThisisMax

Ummmm. I dont this thread is gonna go well. But I will bite first. I think thats a crazy idea. Of course you get pushback at that age, its time to parent, not offload.
Agree. She needs more love, she's pushing you to see how far she can go. You need help not boarding school.
Original poster
Cocopogo · 25/03/2022 23:28

@SonicBroom she wants to go, she hates it here. I don’t know why. She doesn’t know why.

@ThisisMax it’s not pushbacks. How are false accusations pushbacks. She’s completely out of control but I think she would behave somewhere else

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 25/03/2022 23:29

I think sending her away will give her the message you don't want her.

Boarding school isn't going to solve all your problems. Look at getting some parenting advice.

Ilostit · 25/03/2022 23:31

There are State boarding schools

ThisisMax · 25/03/2022 23:47

[quote Cocopogo]@SonicBroom she wants to go, she hates it here. I don’t know why. She doesn’t know why.

@ThisisMax it’s not pushbacks. How are false accusations pushbacks. She’s completely out of control but I think she would behave somewhere else[/quote]
Sure, but you dont just 'buy in' behaviour. You have go negotiate and earn it and put her in a position where she respects you enough to co-operate -so that does not sound like your scenario.

Greatoutdoors · 26/03/2022 00:55

Mixed feelings here. DS1 was extremely challenging at this age and had difficulties at school. Family dynamics were bad too. He went to live at my mums to enable him to attend a state school which could meet his needs better. My mum was better equipped to help with homework etc as she is retired and they have a special 'first grandchild' bond. He got a lot of 1-1 with his grandma that I couldn't give.
It was good for him and I always said his home was his home - he came home a lot more than I expected.
I totally understand you needing a break and wanting an out from this difficult time. Does the school meet her needs better than you can at home? Why is she making the allegations? She sounds troubled? Does she have SEN or MH issues and are they properly supported? That would be my starting point.
You are at the worst part of parenting - but you are still her mum Thanks

Londonmum1983 · 26/03/2022 01:04

I am so sorry that you're going through this.
Boarding school is not the answer . I have a son at boarding school , their behavior is expected to be near perfect.It's not something that I could have done as a teenager. Your daughter sounds troubled , @Greatoutdoors post makes a lot of sense.

Kanaloa · 26/03/2022 01:08

I’m not dead set against boarding schools, and I think they can be good in some situations - for example a teen who has parents that travel for work/in the army or similar.

But sending a child with obvious issues away to boarding school doesn’t seem like the answer here really. It seems like you need some professional help - your relationship with her isn’t going to improve by sending her away, there’s obviously something at the bottom of this and I would be a bit worried about it.

Often children might lash out at home because something has happened outside the home. Or have a mental health issue. She might even say she wants to go away to boarding school as a sort of self-test, as if to prove to herself you don’t love her if you send her away. I would just really think about how you can heal this relationship, and it’s not by sending her off to boarding school.

Namenic · 26/03/2022 01:12

Um - I went to boarding school and while I really enjoyed it, I’m not convinced sending kids with current problems there is necessarily going to solve things.

On the positive side - she wants to go, and it would be a change in environment. On the negative side, there are so many different ways for her to misbehave or go off the rails there too. The ratio of adults to children is going to be less than at your home.

What does she want? Is there a problem at school or is it home that is the problem? What does she do at home that causes conflict?

FrecklesMalone · 26/03/2022 01:14

If you can afford boarding school you can afford trying specialist help. I would go down that road first.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 26/03/2022 01:31

It sounds a bit 1950's parenting ie 'if you don't behave, I'll send you away!' That's not dealing with the problem. It's avoiding it and trying to make it someone else's.

Blondie1984 · 26/03/2022 01:41

If you don’t address it then what happens in holidays? It will be carnage

RiverRats · 26/03/2022 01:44

I don’t think it would be the answer. It could make problems worse when she’s back at home. Can you get some professional help?

CakesOfVersailles · 26/03/2022 01:50

Having worked in boarding, let me say boarding works great for kids who needs to board to get an education or who want to board for a particular type of education, and for some kids who would have to frequently change schools (e.g. army families).

Most normal boarding schools are not well equipped to handle children with significant behavioural issues. These children will either be poorly managed and unhappy at the school, or they will be asked to leave.

There are some situations where a fresh start at a boarding school is a good idea for kids struggling behaviourally (e.g. behaviour driven by a particular environment or a particular group or friends or real problems with a sibling). In these cases it's best if the child recognises the issue and wants to try boarding as a new opportunity.

I have enormous sympathy for your struggles but I don't think this is the best plan.

99% of the time it's a bad idea to send a child to boarding school if they don't want to go.

CakesOfVersailles · 26/03/2022 01:52

Ah sorry just read your update that she does want to go.

Is that her just saying it to get a rise out of you or do you think it's true?

I would try professional intervention first.

Weightscales · 26/03/2022 02:02

I've known a few people who went to boarding school.

The ones who were sent because that's just what their family do - mostly enjoyed it.

Those who were sent because of behavioural issues - have got deep rooted issues!

NashvilleQueen · 26/03/2022 04:02

Whilst you say she wants to go, she is only 13 and presumably has no actual knowledge of what boarding school is like? She's just clashing with you and thinks that boarding would be a way out of that?

I would be concerned about the long term emotional impact on a child who is lashing out being sent away to a wholly new environment.

LBFseBrom · 26/03/2022 04:41

@EstelleCostanza

Boarding school is not a place for a child with problems.
Thank you for saying that, Estelle. I wish someone had said that to my parents. I was sent away to school for two years, it was a nightmare.

Op, 13 is the age when boundaries are pushed and kids express themselves in no uncertain terms, making everything a drama. It will pass. Sending your daughter away - unless she wants to go - will only cause resentment. If you are patient, your relationship will repair.

I expect you know about all that just posted out of frustration.

AdultingInTheCountryside · 26/03/2022 04:53

Try and understand why she is behaving this way. Read the gentle parenting book.

ittakes2 · 26/03/2022 05:19

It sounds like she is having problems with emotional regulation. Have you googled inattentive adhd and see if that fits her? Unfort it’s getting missed with girls in primary but they start feeling overwhelmed in high school and mix that with puberty and the behavioural issues start.

ATeddybearshortofaPicnic · 26/03/2022 06:48

Do you think she’s wanting a little bit more independence? There are ways of giving her that that are far less drastic than boarding school. Would she enjoy Guides or the Duke of Edinburgh program or something like that with an emphasis on camping trips? Is an Outward Bound course an option? If she was a little older, a Saturday job could be a good idea. A bit of independence but also more responsibility with it.

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