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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

To send DD to boarding school

104 replies

Cocopogo · 25/03/2022 23:15

DD 13 is completely out of control. She has no respect for me or our house. She makes false accusations against me. I’m considering boarding school because she’s throwing her life away with her temper and nasty mouth.

OP posts:

ididntevennotice · 26/03/2022 10:19

She is 13, when did this behaviour change happen? From a parental perspective my priority would be to find out what was wrong/how she is really feeling/what she is struggling with and build things back for both of you.

Theforkistootall · 26/03/2022 10:37

@EstelleCostanza

Boarding school is not a place for a child with problems.

This. And 13 is an awful age for everyone. It doesn’t seem like it, but it only lasts a year.

Theforkistootall · 26/03/2022 10:37

I mean everyone concerned, not just everyone at 13.

Kanaloa · 26/03/2022 19:41

So you’re going to do absolutely nothing to get to the bottom of why your child is doing this? Happy, healthy children don’t make false accusations behave badly and sending her to boarding school isn’t going to help. Although I’m not sure why you bothered to ask since obviously you’ve already absolved yourself of all responsibility.

Original poster

Cocopogo · 27/03/2022 19:45

You gleaned that from 6 lines? Waw. Let’s hope you don’t have kids then.

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 27/03/2022 21:38

I have four kids. They’re all doing pretty well and I’m not considering shipping any off to boarding school while absolving myself of responsibility for their behaviours. To be honest I’m not sure why you posted because you asked ‘shall I send dd off to boarding school because she says she hates me and is unhappy,’ everyone said that’s not a great idea and you said ‘ok I’m going to look round boarding schools.’

Original poster

Cocopogo · 28/03/2022 18:49

Meanwhile back on planet earth….

OP posts:

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 29/03/2022 08:14

Meanwhile back on planet earth…

So, have you found some professional help for yourself and DD?

Original poster

Cocopogo · 02/04/2022 18:31

@AmaryllisNightAndDay yes I have.

Professionals agree boarding school might be a good option for her. It wasn’t a decision I woke up and suddenly thought of.

OP posts:

Lilapixie · 02/04/2022 18:39

I was sent to boarding school around that age. My mum sold it to me like a really cool thing and i didnt figure out until later that the main reason for sending me off was probably my horrible behaviour.
It was the best thing ever. I had the most amazing time there and its still one of the best experiences ive had.
The distance also really helped our relationship. I was very close to my mum until teenage years and there it just all exploded and got very toxic. Our relationship got better while i was in boarding school and we were very close again afterwards and still are now.
If she wants to go its definitely worth a try.

TonyBlairsLover · 02/04/2022 18:44

What are the false accusations she is making?
I was abused by my mother, she clearly needs help. Shutting her away will just do worse-r things. You need to get to the bottom of things, before she cuts you off at 18

saggyhairyass · 02/04/2022 19:00

I think you need to find some professional help first. Counselling maybe? It dounds too much like

saggyhairyass · 02/04/2022 19:01

a punishment to me. It won't help your relationship to pack her off. (Posted too soon)

TheBearAndThePiano · 02/04/2022 19:15

She'll have an interview before admission and the school is unlikely to admit her based on what you've said here.

oliviastwisted · 02/04/2022 19:24

False abuse allegations are rare but sometimes kids project the abuse they are experiencing onto people who are not abusive. All behaviour is communication and your DD is trying to communicate something a boarding school is not going to help find our what.

strawberriesandraspberries · 02/04/2022 21:40

This can go one of two ways, it could be the making of her, she really enjoys it and she'll be grateful if the opportunity in years to come or she hates it and will resent you for sending her for many, many years to come! Unfortunately you, nor I can say which way this will go!

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 02/04/2022 22:01

I image you have tried other avenues before coming to this decision. Sorry you are going through this

But i have to be honest and the thought of sending one of my DC away whilst they are obviously going through a difficult time would not be an option.

I would want to repair that relationship , the thought of my children not wanting to be at home would be heartbreaking as I'm sure it is for you.

I would suggest riding it out best you can whilst trying to build that relationship back up

Annakon · 02/06/2022 18:41

How on earth has the world gotten here? How are ambivilant parents allowed to rant and attack the children they created on public forums and nobody bats an eyelid?

Children are a reflection of their parents. They behaviour good or bad is on you.

Take responsibility for your actions, go and get therapy and learn to be a responsible parent.

Boarding school is abandonment. Dress it up whatever way you want. Convince yourself that she wants to go etc. It is parental abandonment. You are responsible for her until she is 18 for a reason. YOU are supposed to care for her not a bunch of random strangers.

Your child is screaming out for help and rather than take responsibility for your own failings and give her some chance, rather than show her love, kindness and compassion you want to abandon her.

Imagine if she seen what you have written in here? To your own child! Wow just unbelievable.

Londonderry34 · 02/06/2022 18:44

Boarding schools are institutions. I went to one and have never forgiven my parents. Get outside help, lean in and help your daughter to be happy. It can be done but it takes effort.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 02/06/2022 18:56

I understand you being at your wits end. Teenagers can really do that to you.

im not sure that it’s the best circumstances to send her to boarding school under. But you seem to have made up your mind and she says she wants to go. She can always come home again if it doesn’t work out.

LesLavandes · 02/06/2022 18:58

Yes. Boarding schools can be amazing places these days and may well help your child. Choose carefully

Winterhail · 02/06/2022 19:00

Based on the behaviour you are describing, it's doubtful that a good boarding school would take her. And if they do, her behaviour will need to improve or they won't keep her.
I think your need to unpick what is causing the poor behaviour (besides hormones).

SuziSecondLaw · 02/06/2022 19:04

As a parent struggling with a difficult teen, I completely understand where you're coming from and think it's definitely worth considering.
Honestly, if I had the money I'd consider it, too.
All family dynamics are different, all kids, all parents, all people are different. Do what works for you.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind1 · 02/06/2022 19:12

I'd have done it if I could have afforded it.
Dd moved out at 17, well, I made her.
Three years on, nothing has changed really.
She's doing brilliantly, but that's on the surface.
Underneath she's still the same.
Lying, stealing, pushing people away, not coping, smoking weed etc.
She has PDA.
These days I live my life as if I don't have a daughter, I've tried everything and she won't even acknowledge me now so I've had to accept it.
She knows where I am and what I'm up to if she wants to get in touch.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind1 · 02/06/2022 19:18

To be very clear though, I miss her terribly, I love her more than anything, she's my daughter.
However, sitting at home crying won't help, and I tried my best.
I'm a good Mum and I deserve to have a life.
She's free to join in whenever she wants, she's chosen not to.

She follows me on FB and Insta and knows fine well she could be with me if she said.

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