To send DD to boarding school

[Cocopogo]

DD 13 is completely out of control. She has no respect for me or our house. She makes false accusations against me. I’m considering boarding school because she’s throwing her life away with her temper and nasty mouth.

Sounds like you have reached the end of your tether op. Fair enough, I have been through "interesting" times with teens and am only just coming out the other side. I know it can be seriously hard.

But come on op, you have written six lines about your DD and we are supposed to have an opinion on whether she should go to boarding school or not? Were you venting (if so fair enough) or are you serious?

As others have said, no, generally speaking, boarding school is the last place you should send your child unless you are extremely depressed or you are moving around for your job or there is some other significant reason why.

Your dd is separating herself off from you in order to become a separate individual. It's a bewildering process for her and for you. She is going to challenge authority, assert her new found "power", test boundaries, reflect back your limitations as a parent (which we all have) and frankly a lot of it is a pita. But it's our job to be there, put up with a lot of the crap, set boundaries for the rest, act as a shock absorber for some of the emotional fall out, model the behaviours you want her to copy, and try and help her with her emotional regulation band decision making skills. Try and keep the lines of communication open and adjust your parenting so it's not "you do this because I say so" but "you do this because a b and c and yes I admit I find it hard too but I am doing my best and I expect you to try and do your best too".

Good luck op. Just being there alongside them and holding the line is half the battle.

Get some support for yourself and read "Untangled" by Lisa Damour.

Yes I’m serious. We are going to view one this weekend. The false allegations are having a massive impact as is the constant abuse she doesn’t do it to anyone else so I think she’s better off without me.

No decent boarding school would take her if she behaves like that at school (I say that as someone who works in a boarding school). If she chose and liked the school, however, and she didn't want to get kicked out, then it could be a good solution. Most of our boarders year 9+ love it.

I know a woman who sent her daughter to boarding school at 13 because they hated each other. The girl was genuinely much happier there and their relationship improved. I was really surprised it worked so well, but it did.

Just ask her. Make sure it's not a punishment, but a solution. Look around at places with her.

Well again, that's not much information to go on , but you know deep down that she wouldn't be better off without you and equally I know it's horrible having abuse and unfair allegations thrown at you.

But, assuming your teen doesn't have any legitimate concerns about you as a parent then all you can do is try and work on your communication.

And I guess try and explore why she is feeling hurt in some way or doesn't feel that she is getting from you what she wants, or why she wants to hurt you in some way.

You don't have to explain what she is accusing you of here. But ime teen girls can be quite astute at picking up on our limitations and failings as people and as parents. We all have failings and our teens tend to take them personally because they are quite self absorbed at that age.. And part of being a teen is realising and coming to terms with the fact that your parents are not perfect, that everyone has limitations, adults are not all powerful and don't have all the answers and it's not all about you. And that's quite scary.

If she were to repeat this pattern at boarding school and make false allegations against a teacher, there could be serious repercussions.

Boarding school would be the worst possible arrangement.

I think boarding can be really good for a teen who actively wants to board and who has secure family relationships which mean they are confident enough for this type of arrangement.

It's not a holding pen for a troubled teen and will do nothing to ease their current difficulties and is very likely to exacerbate them.

There are state boarding schools taking children who are out of control and independent boarding schools also. Might be the making of you both.

I’m not anti-boarding school (I’ve worked in one and have friends whose children attend others) but I really don’t understand how sending a child who is clearly already vulnerable into a new space without your support is going to help.

What else have you done to try to help her at home?

If she wants to go and it's presented as a new environment that will help her thrive then why not try it. Some relationships need space. Not everyone can do better as a parent. If the OP is at this point I don't think a book is going to cut it.

@Ilostit

There are State boarding schools

Not for pupils with challenging behaviour without an EHCP

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know how it feels like so it would be inappropriate to say what I would do with this situation. Have you explored all the avenues of help for your DD?

@Wintersbone

If she wants to go and it's presented as a new environment that will help her thrive then why not try it. Some relationships need space. Not everyone can do better as a parent. If the OP is at this point I don't think a book is going to cut it.

If you are referring to my suggestion we don't know what will help at this stage as we have no information on what the op has already tried or not.

You need to get to the root cause here... Something is going on for her, now or in the past. She needs your love more than ever now tho she doesn't seem the easiest to love, sending her away would be the wrong move imo. I would get some quality psychotherapy /creative psychotherapy for her/you both.

If she wants to go then it's OK to keep it on the table. So long as it's clear she can come back if she hates it. Can she do weekly boarding to start off with?

False accusations weren't a problem we had to deal with but I went to various parenting courses and it got mentioned. From what I remember, sometimes they can be telling you indirectly about a problem with someone else. Or they can just be a general way to express upset, to get adult attention that "something is wrong" when a teen can't say what is wrong in their life, maybe because it's not something that we adults really recognise as "wrong", to us it's just general teenage life and because mum can't fix everything any more.

If she's only doing it to you then it probably means something gone wrong between the two of you. You say she has no respect for you or your house, and you also say she is throwing her life away. If she is keeping temper and nasty mouth for home then even though things are bad now she's probably going to be OK in life. What's she doing outside the house that is a big problem?

Some professional would be a good idea. Could you tell DD that you are open to the idea of boarding but you both need to talk to a professional first to make sure it's the right thing?

I went to a boarding school and loved it - but my parents sent me there for a stable education. I think sending her away because you are fed up and struggling with her may cause a further rift. But at the same time me and my mum have often been at loggerheads and I wonder whether we have a decent relationship now because I didn’t spend too much time with her as a teenager - if we had to deal with each other everyday rather than just the holidays perhaps we wouldn’t speak much now. Perhaps this is something you can agree on together somehow, rather than sending her away as such?

My mother sent me away to boarding school at 13 for similar reasons. She couldn't cope with me.
I don't think I've ever really forgiven her as it was a terrible experience for me. We have very little contact these days.
I now have 4 children, 3 are neurodiverse and are/ have been extremely challenging at times but we have/are working through it all.
Pick your battles and try and keep some connection with them. Also recognise they are their own people and may not follow the life plan you have in mind for them.
Seek some outside help if necessary but sending her away will not solve anything IME.

How are things at her current school? Does she have any difficulties with her peers? How is she getting on academically?

I think it's more likely she's lashing out at you because she's struggling in other areas and I can't imagine boarding school will be the fix.

Look for some support first! Try ‘Connective Parenting’ by Sarah Fisher and the courses on her website. Read ‘The Explosive Child’, ‘The book you wish your parents had read’ and ‘how to talk so teens will listen’. And put the strategies in place. Help through a TAF/ Early Help?

@Cocopogo do you have any idea what has led to this behaviour?
Anything happened in the family or to her directly?
Abuse
Domestic violence
Mental health issues
Bullying
Any other traumatic events?
Could there be any mental health issues with her or additional needs whether diagnosed or not?

I'm asking because behaviour like this doesn't just come from nowhere. There's clearly something going on with her.

Sending her away could be the worst thing you could do.

A relative of mine went to a good boarding school to get them into a different social situation, they then simply had access to a better class of drugs, got kicked out and had to get back into the state school system. On the other hand, someone else I know said that boarding school was their safe haven because their relationship with their mother was so fraught (and subsequently never improved).
Consider your next move very carefully, and consider it with your daughter.

I think it's fine to post her to boarding school but don't expect her to stay out of trouble, boarding school kids get up to all sorts.

But at least you will get a breather and there is a lot to be said for that.

Is she unhappy at school and unchallenged/bored etc.? So taking it out on you? If she can behave for others, is sociable, needs a challenge etc and polite to everyone else then why not. Might be good for both of you!

However, if she struggles socially, has real problems etc I personally would not send her away. Essentially, at boarding school 1 house mistress parents 50 odd girls, not much attention. They usually get bogged down with 3 or 4 problem kids a year and the rest just bumble along on their own. Their are tutors too, but they are not going to get as much attention as from an involved parent. So it typically suits a certain independent self motivated, socially comfortable/confident child. The independent schools will recruit on that basis too.

At a child's toughest time, they need the unconditional love of a parent. You also need support - from another adult. But you are not equal adversaries here, though it may feel like it has to come to that. You are the adult on whom she relies. And like I already said, at her most unloving of times, she needs your love more than ever. I hope you can access some good support.

She may say she wants to go but it sounds that I likely to be because she wants to get away from the situation she's in.

She needs to visit, speak to, read about the realities of boarding school so she can make an informed choice and not just see it as an escape route.