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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

To send DD to boarding school

104 replies

Cocopogo · 25/03/2022 23:15

DD 13 is completely out of control. She has no respect for me or our house. She makes false accusations against me. I’m considering boarding school because she’s throwing her life away with her temper and nasty mouth.

OP posts:
Bubbles1649264 · 02/06/2022 19:31

Having worked in boarding houses, boarding can be great for some kids, but it depends very much on the individual.
look carefully at the schools you are thinking about, and consider if she is going to full or weekly board - and importantly if she is going to full board check that they have a good group in on the weekends. You also need to think about what the USP of the school is - are they exams driven? Pastorally? Sports? And make sure you are making a good decision for her.
boarding can be the making of some kids.

Annakon · 02/06/2022 19:45

100% you are so right

FlibbertyGiblets · 02/06/2022 19:49

Cocopogo · 02/04/2022 18:31

@AmaryllisNightAndDay yes I have.

Professionals agree boarding school might be a good option for her. It wasn’t a decision I woke up and suddenly thought of.

Why are you asking us then? Though I suppose "The professionals feel that a residential school will meet your daughter's needs" is a non story.

Annakon · 02/06/2022 19:53

It is not your child that is the problem, it is you. Go and get therapy or do a parenting course.

Jesus these parents and their ' it's too hard, I created a monster and rather than make an effort to resolve it, I will abandon it and let the world suffer'

If parents got their finger out, found a bit of decency and compassion for their own children the world wouldn't be a half bad place.

SuziSecondLaw · 02/06/2022 20:00

Annakon · 02/06/2022 19:53

It is not your child that is the problem, it is you. Go and get therapy or do a parenting course.

Jesus these parents and their ' it's too hard, I created a monster and rather than make an effort to resolve it, I will abandon it and let the world suffer'

If parents got their finger out, found a bit of decency and compassion for their own children the world wouldn't be a half bad place.

I seriously doubt op hasn't tried absolutely EVERYTHING before arriving at this point.

Also, some people are genuinely sociopaths etc, no amount of 'decency and compassion' can change that.
Not suggesting this of ops dc of course, but yeah, some people are just shitty, and no it's not always the parents fault.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/06/2022 20:19

Lilapixie · 02/04/2022 18:39

I was sent to boarding school around that age. My mum sold it to me like a really cool thing and i didnt figure out until later that the main reason for sending me off was probably my horrible behaviour.
It was the best thing ever. I had the most amazing time there and its still one of the best experiences ive had.
The distance also really helped our relationship. I was very close to my mum until teenage years and there it just all exploded and got very toxic. Our relationship got better while i was in boarding school and we were very close again afterwards and still are now.
If she wants to go its definitely worth a try.

Me too!

Boarding school isn't right for all teens, but for some it works well.

I was a really challenging teenager - I just had to get through it, and I was far better taken out of a home environment I found stifling and I'd outgrown. Things got better between me and my parents once I was boarding. And in the long run I had a good relationship with my mum.

Give it a try. Ideally look at a couple of schools, and always ask questions - no school is right for every child.

Annakon · 02/06/2022 20:43

I'd give far more credence to nurture than nature. A 13 year old doesn't just "get" like that. The parents either created it or let it happen. The face that OP sees it fit to put everything on the child and want to abandon her to an institution is clearly evident of her attitude. Not to mention their own child on a public forum. There needs to be real culpability for these parents. Boarding school children should be assigned a social worker funded by their lazy parents, you'd be sure to see real accountability then.

Blaming a 13 year old kid!! A young woman going through a mixed bag of emotions, hormones etc. If you need to offload them to strangers you should face investigation, just like every other parent who abandons their children.

SuziSecondLaw · 02/06/2022 20:53

Annakon · 02/06/2022 20:43

I'd give far more credence to nurture than nature. A 13 year old doesn't just "get" like that. The parents either created it or let it happen. The face that OP sees it fit to put everything on the child and want to abandon her to an institution is clearly evident of her attitude. Not to mention their own child on a public forum. There needs to be real culpability for these parents. Boarding school children should be assigned a social worker funded by their lazy parents, you'd be sure to see real accountability then.

Blaming a 13 year old kid!! A young woman going through a mixed bag of emotions, hormones etc. If you need to offload them to strangers you should face investigation, just like every other parent who abandons their children.

Face investigation? Eh? The many, many men that piss off and leave their kids at the first sign of difficulty don't face any 'investigation'.. Don't be absurd. Sending a kid to boarding school isn't child abuse 😒

Annakon · 02/06/2022 21:14

They should face investigation too... if they can find them 🙄

But for sure boarding school is abuse. It is privileged abandonment. The homesickness and separation is horrific and confusing. Between not wanting to dissapoint your parents but wanting to go home. The school with their cunning tactics... they slyly erode the emotion out of you. With distraction and councilling the ware you right down. In the end, you are either broken or hardened and institutionalised enough to believe those places are good for you. It is the latter I feel most sorry for, the damaged ones who are completely unaware of it. No child should be put in that position, dismissing it as character building or a rite of passage is affront to victims. 100% BS is emotional abuse.

Parent's coping out before they are 18 should come with a penalty for all the mothers and fathers that do it, boarding school parents, runaway fathers, abusive or negligent parents, they are all the same and should be treated as such.

SuziSecondLaw · 02/06/2022 21:19

That just doesn't sound plausible at all.
I'd agree sending a little kid to boarding school is horrendous, but a 13 year old? Really?

"Parent's coping out before they are 18 should come with a penalty for all the mothers and fathers that do it, boarding school parents, runaway fathers, abusive or negligent parents, they are all the same and should be treated as such." and this is completely absurd. A parent sending a teenager to a posh school is not quite the same as someone abusing their child. Get a grip.

Annakon · 02/06/2022 21:38

Emm have you experienced it yourself? the homesickness? the constant strict routine? the 24/7 with strangers? the isolation? the abandonment? the strangers giving you tampons? the constant knowing that nobodies coming to rescue you? not having a clue what to do next? the never ending panic attack? I can say from your posts you 100% haven't. All you see is a "posh" school, it's patents with the privalge not kids shunned to the fancy orphanage.

SuziSecondLaw · 02/06/2022 22:20

No, I haven't. I know a few people that have, but of course my limited knowledge of it doesn't prove it's great or anything.. Just like your personal (?) experience doesn't prove it's always awful.
In my opinion, it's a last resort for the op. Regardless of if it's a last resort, or personal choice, whatever, sending a teenager to boarding school is not abusive. Sorry, but it's just not.

Haydugee · 02/06/2022 22:29

If she wants to go (and you can afford it) then let her try it. It may be that she needs the independence and the absence will give you both some perspective.

Annakon · 02/06/2022 22:47

SuziSecondLaw

Since you have no experience of it maybe it is better to let victims decide. In any other setting the emotional trauma experienced is considered abuse. Dismissing victims and trivialising the trauma of institutionalization because you consider boarding schools privalge is beyond misguided. In this day and age it is deeply sad to know kids are still ignored.

Anotherdayanotherdisappointment · 02/06/2022 22:55

@Annakon

Unless you have left boarding school in the last 5 years or so then your opinion is also invalid. Boarding schools have changed a lot in recent years.

Sorry you had a shitty experience but that is not the case for everyone.

Strawberriesaregreat · 02/06/2022 23:08

Sounds like she needs you more than ever and the boarding school is just a smokescreen like the 'I hate you' thing that dcs sometimes say. She's testing you, if you send her it'll be a case of yes I knew you didn't like me. She sounds mixed up. I wouldn't send her. Is she suffering with anxiety?

Vijia · 02/06/2022 23:09

It's well known that many CEOs are sociopaths and their DC often go to boarding school. It is an ideal environment for them as they can bully with impunity , house parents are more about crowd control and not so much on a one to one.

Boarding schools are well suited to spoilt, obnoxious, entitled DC and plenty of parents who don't like their DC very much or who prefer to outsource the parenting send their DC to boarding schools.

SuziSecondLaw · 02/06/2022 23:14

Annakon · 02/06/2022 22:47

SuziSecondLaw

Since you have no experience of it maybe it is better to let victims decide. In any other setting the emotional trauma experienced is considered abuse. Dismissing victims and trivialising the trauma of institutionalization because you consider boarding schools privalge is beyond misguided. In this day and age it is deeply sad to know kids are still ignored.

Dismissing victims? And trivialising the trauma? I'm obviously not doing that.

I'm sorry you had such a traumatic experience. You should seek some help for that. I can only assume you were very young, and it was a long time ago? From what I've read, boarding schools used to be pretty horrendous..

Luckily this is not the case these days. A parent, who obviously cares about their child and has exhausted all other revenues is considering a (safe, non abusive) boarding school for their teenager. This is not an abusive or neglective situation, and suggesting that it is on par with actual abuse of children is daft to say the least.

Annakon · 02/06/2022 23:14

Anotherdayanotherdisappointment

I'm 22 so just about. Homesickness is continually dismissed. "Don't give in to emotional blackmail" is the advice from the educational consultants website for parents. The abuse and emotional trauma is widely known. You only have to Google it. The recent suicides in UK schools (2020 & 2021), the bullying, the abandonment, the parents here on mumsnet complaining about distressed kids, the kids crying on student forums... its all there but ambivalent parents choose to ignore it. Every generation spouts the same mantra "Boarding schools aren't what the used to be", that's your way of brusing it under the carpet, when the truth comes out, you will cry you didn't know but everyone knows how bad residential institutions are. Knowing it is wrong and ignoring it is a travesty.

Why would anyone suggest it is anything other than emotional abuse? Childhood is such a short time, it wouldn't kill anyone to give them their best.

Annakon · 02/06/2022 23:22

SuziSecondLaw

I seen your other post, about your son. Imagine he read that? Read what you said about him? Teenage years can be difficult but is up to a parent to manage and ask yourself how you got there.

You comments really struck me, you sound like my mother so you will never appreciate the gravity of someone elses experience, as such I will leave it there. I really hope your son and OPs daughter get the love, patients and support they need and deserve.

Vijia · 02/06/2022 23:22

https://bss.au.dk/en/insights/samfund-2/2021/more-common-for-psychopaths-to-go-to-private-school
Sensitive DC should never be sent to boarding school but it is an ideal environment for the offspring of parents with sociopathic and narcissistic personality types who are often very successful in the workplace as ruthlessness is a virtue and emotional intelligence unheard of.

Annakon · 02/06/2022 23:25

Strawberriesaregreat & Vijia

Leaving this thread but it is just so great to see there are kind and understanding people in the world. People who really get it 🙌

Vijia · 02/06/2022 23:26

More common for people with narcissistic and psychopathic traits to go to private school
Narcissistic or psychopathic traits are more common among students who went to private schools compared with those who went to state schools, according to new research from Aarhus BSS at Aarhus University.
19.04.2021 | TINE BAGGER CHRISTIANSEN

FOTO: Adobe Stock

Research shows that students with a number of psychological traits, collectively referred to as “The Dark Triad”, are more likely to have graduated from a private school than from a state school.

The collective term “The Dark Triad” covers three personality traits: Narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism. The latter centres around stopping at nothing to achieve one’s goals. Research based on studies carried out at a number of English universities shows that these personality traits are found more often in students from private schools than from state schools.

“Our research reveals quite substantial group differences in personality traits between students from private schools and students from state schools,” says Anne Pacak-Vedel, postdoc. in psychology from Aarhus BSS.

The research has been published in the scientific journal Personality and Individual Differences1) and was conducted in collaboration with researchers from Durham University in England, the University of Padova in Italy and the University of Kardinal Stefan Wyszynski in Poland.

"In Denmark, we’re actually seeing a movement where municipal schools are increasingly being deselected by families with the financial means to pay for schooling. In the long term, this could lead to a pattern that is more similar to what we found in the UK"

Anna Pacak-Vedel, post.doc, Department of Psychology and Behavioural Sciences, Aarhus BSS

Intellectual humility
Based on their research, the researchers are able to demonstrate that students who score high on Dark Triad traits have less intellectual humility and poorer academic performance. Intellectual humility means the willingness and ability to revise one’s point of view, for example when presented with better arguments or knowledge. People with intellectual humility are humble about their knowledge, and they acknowledge that others may have greater knowledge or a superior intellect. In short, intellectual humility is the opposite of intellectual arrogance. The study also showed that men were higher on the Dark Triad traits than women.

“Our finding that intellectual humility is negatively correlated with the Dark Triad traits makes good sense, because Dark Triad traits are characterised by a certain arrogance, grandiosity and a desire to position oneself,” says Anna Pacak-Vedel and she continues:

“That intellectual humility also turns out to be positively correlated with grades may be explained by the notion that people with intellectual humility are more aware of the limitations of their own knowledge, and therefore they’re also more motivated to learn. All things being equal, this is conducive to learning.”

Results might transfer to a Danish context
The results are based on studies conducted in the UK. In every way, the social-class divide is much more pronounced in the UK than in Denmark, but the researchers still believe that parallels can be drawn to Denmark:

“If we made the same study in Denmark, we would probably not find such substantial group differences between students from private schools and municipal schools. But I’m convinced that we would find the same overall pattern, just less pronounced” says Anna Pacak-Vedel.

“In Denmark, we’re actually seeing a movement where municipal schools are increasingly being deselected by families with the financial means to pay for schooling. In the long term, this could lead to a pattern that is more similar to what we found in the UK,” says Anna Pacak-Vedel.

Correlation between corporate career and psychology
The researchers were also able to demonstrate that people who score high on the Dark Triad are more likely to select academic majors suited for corporate careers. This applies in Denmark as well as in the UK.

“That this is a factor in the UK, and at their top universities, is essential knowledge, because the political elite in the UK is almost 100% dominated by people who went to prestigious private schools and moved on to study law, economics or similar fields at the most esteemed universities. And the UK is a major political and economic player, so who leads in the UK is not entirely unimportant in an international context,” says Anna Pacak-Vedel.

If more people who score high on Dark Triad traits strive for a corporate career, this may potentially lead to more economic crises, because a higher number of what is referred to by researchers as “corporate psychopaths” will be employed, especially in the business sector. As an example, the article mentions the top management of Volkswagen, the German automobile manufacturer, which, in 2015, acted as if they did not seem to care about the consequences of their actions but were only concerned about the financial benefits, a scandal that became known as Dieselgate.

Business programmes in the UK have previously been criticised2) for not teaching students about ethics and morals to a sufficient degree to avoid financial crises such as Dieselgate. However, the research results presented by Anna Vedel and her colleagues offer a certain “excuse” for the English business schools, because students selecting a business programme often have a different personality from those choosing another career path, even before they enter a business school.

Further information

Anna Pacak-Vedel
Post.doc.

Department of Psychology and Behavioural Sciences, Aarhus BSS
Aarhus Universitet

Mail: [email protected]
Fastnet: 87166173

Sources:
“The dark and not so humble: School-type effects on the Dark Triad traits and intellectual humility”. Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 163, 1 September 2020, 110068.
Gudmundsson, A & Southey, G. (2011) Leadership and the rise of the corporate psychopaths: What can business schools do about the ´snakes´ inside. E-journal of Social & Behavioral Research in Business, 2, 18-27.

Revised 09.05.2022 -

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Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2022 23:49

Wow that was quite a read @Vijia

It sounds as if you would do better to engage a child psychologist and one, who your dd can relate to op. You need help rather than to send an angry child to boarding school. That could be the end of your relationship.

Seraphinesupport · 02/06/2022 23:53

i always wanted to go to boarding school, no real reason to be honest just wanted to try it. Try it for a year if you can afford it. see how she does.