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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teens and Church

105 replies

Jamn50 · 20/03/2022 07:00

We attended church on a Sunday morning and my nearly 16 year old DD and nearly 14 year old DS have said some weeks they don’t want to go. DH and I have said it’s only one hour we’re asking for a week and we want them to still come till they are 18. Other people at church say there children have to go while they live at home regardless of age others say they never force there kids. I don’t want them to view church negatively as they do have a faith but find church dull sometimes. My other issue is my mum is quite controlling and she would give me a hard time if they didn’t go sometimes. I’m really unsure as to what is best here.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 20/03/2022 07:03

I'd say they're old enough to make up their own minds. What's suddenly going to change at 18? It's like their opinion isn't valid until they're legally an adult. Is it for show in church?
You're repeating the controlling behaviour of your DM and interesting you remember that as an adult even now. As will they. It's a negative memory.
Forcing the issue won't make them 'keep the faith' any better. In fact, more likely the opposite.

Huckleberries73 · 20/03/2022 07:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

paintedcupcake · 20/03/2022 07:03

I think this is an age where they can decide for themselves. You have already said your mum is controlling why would you want to do that to your kids. Let them decide and if your mum gives you a hard time just say that you think they are old enough to decide for themselves and leave the conversation there. You boys shouldn't have to go to church so you don't get a hard time from your DM.

fitzbilly · 20/03/2022 07:05

Well there is no benefit to them being forced to go apart from to stop your mother giveing you a hard time. That doesn't sound like a good enough reason to force them to go.

Religion is a choice. Let your teens have a choice and respect their choice.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 20/03/2022 07:08

What about having a chat and compromise with them?
Say once a month and the important dates if they didn't mind and they could have the other weekends off.
Don't make them resent going. They are at an age where they are thinking for themselves and wanting to pull away for a bit of independence.
Listen to them and not your mother!

Original poster
Jamn50 · 20/03/2022 07:09

@Huckleberries73
I do have a faith 100% but I did and do a lot of things I don’t want to keep my mum happy. I’m trying now to stop but it’s hard and I’m not very confident in myself at all. My DH and DC are amazing and slowly I’m realising I’m a valuable person and am worth something. This is why I want to get this right for my DC and stand up to my DM if I need to without fear. It sounds pathetic I’m sure.

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 20/03/2022 07:09

Is there a youth church group they could attend instead?
Its easy to say its just an hour... but if there is something else planned for that day, it could mean they can't go (friends all going out for the day, a weekend job, homework time)

AchillesPoirot · 20/03/2022 07:10

What’s the point of making them go just to sit there? That’s just performative churchianity.

caulkheaded · 20/03/2022 07:10

Are your teens practicing Christians/catholics or it it more “church is something we do”. If it’s the later then don’t make them go.

If it’s the former then I’d be having a conversation about the body of Christ and the importance of worship, but also acknowledging that the church might not be right for them (ie few other teens, inaccessible talk, dated worship) and finding a service at another time that they enjoyed. Also going to spring harvest/new wine/summer festivals to meet others and develop a personal faith rather than an inherited one.

Mumdiva99 · 20/03/2022 07:12

Don't make your kids go. Quite possibly your church is boring to them. However, if they say they believe maybe you could visit a few other churches which are more lovely in the next few months to see if they engage the kids better. (If you don't fancy that then just leave them at home).

Mumdiva99 · 20/03/2022 07:12

More lively I mean (I'm sure your church is lovely.)

HollowTalk · 20/03/2022 07:13

I had to go to church and I've never been so bored in my life. I never believed any of it for one minute and spent the time there thinking about anything else. There was absolutely no point of me going and being there.

If you make your children go then all you will do is breed resentment and guarantee that once they are 18 they will never go again. Make it their choice.

duvetdayforeveryone · 20/03/2022 07:14

Can you find a church that offers a youth service? Being around children their own age will be more attractive than sitting around with older adults.

Original poster
Jamn50 · 20/03/2022 07:16

@duvetdayforeveryone
There are a number of childen there age at church but they find them boring too.

OP posts:
DuchessSilver · 20/03/2022 07:16

Why don't they want to go? If they don't believe, or they don't like the church, or they can't be arsed to get up, or they got a better offer....these would all have different solutions for how to handle it.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 20/03/2022 07:17

I go to church every week, my children stopped going around age 11. Their choice.

UnbeatenMum · 20/03/2022 07:19

Some people I know say their children need to come until 16. We haven't decided yet, ours are a bit younger, but if they were consistently finding it boring I'd wonder about looking for a church with a bit more going on for their age group. I also feel my nearly-13yo is probably getting more out of her mid-week youth meeting although we don't really want to leave her in the house for 2-3 hours alone yet (including travel time and staying for a coffee after the service).
Are you in the same church as your Mum? Is that working for you if she's abusive?

Petronus · 20/03/2022 07:20

Don’t force them, you’ll put them off for life, and it will do nothing for your relationship with them. They’re old enough to know their own minds. It’s got nothing to do with your mum either.

Original poster
Jamn50 · 20/03/2022 07:20

@DuchessSilver
They find it boring. We’re in a small town and the churches are old fashioned really. DD and DS always say they end up talking about death every service and it’s depressing!

OP posts:
FrecklesMalone · 20/03/2022 07:21

DH was forced to go to church as a teen. Found it totally off putting and never went as an adult despite having some faith (which had now gone pretty much).

Steamedhams · 20/03/2022 07:22

I'm trying to work out if them going to church is important to you or your mum? If it's for your mother because she is overbearing then the kids should be able to say no. If it is part of your value system that everyone living in your home attends church then it is reasonable for your children to respect this however, maybe there are services at a different time which would be better for them, or you could try out another church instead?

Ultimately, it is reasonable to expect your child to give an hour a week to support something you find deeply valuable. As others have said though it needs to be something you genuinely value (rather than the whim of a dictatorial woman) and you should be open to compromise.

Original poster
Jamn50 · 20/03/2022 07:23

@UnbeatenMum
Same church as my mum…. That’s definitely a problem tbh. I have friends there so it’s hard to know what to do.

OP posts:
DuchessSilver · 20/03/2022 07:24

If you want to encourage your children's faith, I think you should explore other churches - either for your teens (maybe there's a specific youth service somewhere nearby some evenings) or as a family.

Flatandhappy · 20/03/2022 07:26

I would not make them go personally, they will either choose to return themselves at some stage or not. In the meantime you say they have a faith, maybe talk about how the place it has in their lives. My sister and I told my parents (at about the same ages) that we wanted to start going to Saturday evening mass rather than Sunday morning, we would go to a local cafe instead and hang out there until we could go home. On the way we would pick up an order of service from the church that we could bring home as “proof” we were there! Total nonsense, went on for a couple of years until we worked up the nerve to say we weren’t going.

vesperlindor · 20/03/2022 07:27

My mum made me go until one day I point blank refused and told her she'd have to physically lift me into the car. She couldn't. I'd been saying for years that I didn't want to go.

Even after I stopped she was nagging me about it, trying to make me go to bible study etc. I subsequently have a life long abhorrence of organised religion, and am an atheist. To this day it affects my relationship with her as I resent her pushing her religion onto me for my whole childhood, and it was one of the reasons I left home as soon as I could.