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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teens and Church

105 replies

Jamn50 · 20/03/2022 07:00

We attended church on a Sunday morning and my nearly 16 year old DD and nearly 14 year old DS have said some weeks they don’t want to go. DH and I have said it’s only one hour we’re asking for a week and we want them to still come till they are 18. Other people at church say there children have to go while they live at home regardless of age others say they never force there kids. I don’t want them to view church negatively as they do have a faith but find church dull sometimes. My other issue is my mum is quite controlling and she would give me a hard time if they didn’t go sometimes. I’m really unsure as to what is best here.

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 20/03/2022 08:44

Don't force this on them. They'll resent you for it

raspberryjamchicken · 20/03/2022 08:47

Leave it to them. I let my 12 year old stay home if she doesn't want to go as I don't want it to feel like something that is forced on her. I didn't go to church at all between the ages of 11 and 33 when I came back to it. My DH was forced to go until he was 15 and now won't go at all.

alrightfella · 20/03/2022 08:55

Out of interest have you questioned if you actually have a faith yourself or did you just have an overbearing mother who railroaded you into going to church and brainwashed you into belief?

Do you not want your children to be independent and be the best version of themselves? I think we have children to nurture, then you need to give them wings and let them free to live their own lives.

motheroreily · 20/03/2022 09:15

I was forced to go to church until I moved out at 18. (Church was a big factor in me moving out). I children over the age of 12 can make their own minds up. Definitely look to see if there's another church that suits them more though.
My parents let god dictate their life and this led to some choices that effected us badly. I know some Christians believe God comes first. But I don't think that's healthy.
As an adult now I can see how controlling our family and church was. And it took me years to learn how to make my own decisions.
I'm a happy athiest now.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/03/2022 09:44

I’m amazed they’ve been going so long. No way would teen me have complied.

Mischance · 20/03/2022 09:56

OP - are you hearing what people are saying, some of whom are clergy?

Faith is not something that can be instilled against one's wishes. Your children have had plenty of time to learn the basic tenets of your religion and to understand what they are accepting or rejecting. If you are a Christian (I am assuming here) then part of the doctrine is about free will - you must have the grace to respect that in your children.

I would describe myself as agnostic (my doctrine is called kindness - which I try to achieve), but I have had lots of church experience as I am a singer and all of us were part of the local church choir. My children learned the basics of Christianity and were able to see the good things and to witness the hypocrisy of some churchgoers. They were able to make their own decisions about what they saw and what its relevance might be to their lives to come.

You must respect your children - they are not your pawns.

And then we come to your mother ........ ! You are not her pawn. Let her rant, let her moan - tell her you respect your children's right to make their own decisions and you will not listen to her grumbles.

And then we come to your DH ...... well, I'll leave him to you!

drspouse · 20/03/2022 10:07

We all go to church but have said the DCs can stay home when they are old enough to do so on their own. DS is 10 but has SEN so I don't think that will be for a while.
DS is keen to learn about and discuss God but isn't a fan of groups. We also go to a youth group for up to age 12 and he takes in the talking bit but is quite shy of the games part.

Toddlerteaplease · 20/03/2022 10:09

Don't force them. If they stop now, they may come back of their own accord later on. But if you force it now they'll walk away and never come back.

Inamuddle36 · 20/03/2022 10:50

Perhaps think about what is really important to you. Is it encouraging faith? Or encouraging a family activity? If the former, perhaps ask your vigilaren if there are other ways they’d like to explore faith — a youth group at some point during the week? A contemporary service? A volunteer project with other youths? If it is family time you value — or perhaps making Sunday special in some way — perhaps tell them you want to all have Sunday lunch or supper together or all go for a walk or some sort of other special event to mark the day. More challenging: perhaps have a device-free time on Sunday afternoons so everyone focussed on things other than digital?
If you agree on Sunday lunch, perhaps you could simply mention something pleasant about your own church experience (not necessarily faith-related: could be “had a lovely chat with xxxx” or “someone took delicious cookies for the coffee hour” or “i loved the hymn we sang today” — ie some short comment that shows why you enjoyed going to church — ie wasn’t just a chore or obligation but some pleasant and fulfilling.

Best wishes!

lightand · 20/03/2022 10:57

Take them to different churches until they find one they like.
Even if you dont like it, right now, their faith is more important than yours.

Loopytiles · 20/03/2022 11:38

Their faith - or NOT having a religious faith. Also fine.

Scbchl · 20/03/2022 12:22

I think they are old enough to make the decision themselves now whether they want to go or not.

WeatherwaxOn · 20/03/2022 12:27

I was made to attend church until I was 16. I had no interest and did not believe.
I don't see what's to be gained from making someone do something they don't want to.

hyperbyke · 20/03/2022 12:34

Do they actually have faith or do they just tell you that?

kmblark · 20/03/2022 17:16

[quote Jamn50]@DuchessSilver
They find it boring. We’re in a small town and the churches are old fashioned really. DD and DS always say they end up talking about death every service and it’s depressing![/quote]
I don't know many people who would like to spend their Sunday mornings hearing about death.

What bad thing do you think will happen as a result of letting them stay at home? Aside from upsetting your mother.

BooksAndHooks · 20/03/2022 17:20

Mine stopped coming coming at around 14. There is no point in forcing them it will only put them off more. Let them choose they may decide to go now and then or go back when a bit older. Putting pressure on them now will only put them off.

toomuchlaundry · 20/03/2022 17:23

They are old enough to make their own choice

Echobelly · 20/03/2022 17:23

I wouldn't force it if they're not getting anything from it - we're Jewish and my nephew said it didn't mean anything to him and he didn't want a bar mitzvah, so he stopped going to synagogue. Similarly I suspect our son, although having a BM, will stop going after his, but our oldest is quite involved with synagogue. I mostly stopped going for a while in my teens as I was more keen to watch the Chart Show Grin - but I now go quite often with the kids.

SprayedWithDettol · 20/03/2022 17:25

Stop forcing religion onto them.

GoodnessTruthBeauty · 20/03/2022 19:32

OP you have to remember the vast majority of people in the UK are secular atheists and have no interest in or understanding of faith, so of course they are all going to tell you that you are an awful person for expecting your children to go to Church 😄

However, it's fair to say that if you don't practice your faith in any way other than Sunday service they may have little understanding of why you are even there as a family. It depends on the family and faith background and if they have friends and wether there is something that children and teens enjoy, not necessarily on a Sunday.

My kids have always liked service work and are always willing to sign up for a Habitat for Humanity build or volunteering to help when its our community's turn at the local food bank. So there are other ways to live your faith.
We are Catholic and our teens always went to Mass except through lockdown. But many of our friends kids did too and it's just part of our family's value system and ethos.

georama · 20/03/2022 20:12

@GoodnessTruthBeauty

OP you have to remember the vast majority of people in the UK are secular atheists and have no interest in or understanding of faith, so of course they are all going to tell you that you are an awful person for expecting your children to go to Church 😄

However, it's fair to say that if you don't practice your faith in any way other than Sunday service they may have little understanding of why you are even there as a family. It depends on the family and faith background and if they have friends and wether there is something that children and teens enjoy, not necessarily on a Sunday.

My kids have always liked service work and are always willing to sign up for a Habitat for Humanity build or volunteering to help when its our community's turn at the local food bank. So there are other ways to live your faith.
We are Catholic and our teens always went to Mass except through lockdown. But many of our friends kids did too and it's just part of our family's value system and ethos.

I haven't seen anyone on this thread saying she's an awful person FFS, just that there's no good reason to make them go when they don't want to.
Libertaire · 20/03/2022 20:27

I grew up Catholic. Mass every Sunday & holy day, communion, confession, Catholic schools where I was taught by nuns, the lot. My brother was an altar boy, but my genitalia disqualified me from that position. 🙄

By the time was 14, I hated church, and made that very clear. By 16, I had had enough. I was never particularly devout, and as I grew up I became increasingly disgusted by the church’s appalling misogyny & homophobia. One Sunday morning, it came to a head. I flatly refused to go to mass. A massive family row ensued, during which I said things which my parents and grandparents found very upsetting. By that point, I was past caring. I was done with religion and the only way they would get me into a church was to physically drag me. Even now, religion is something me & my parents can’t really talk about.

OP, my advice is to respect your children’s wishes now they are teenagers. If you don’t, you risk the same thing happening in your family as happened in mine.

Calandor · 20/03/2022 20:36

Whats te point un forcing them to go to church? They're hardly worshipping God while they wish they were somewhere else and don't care to be there. They're just performing worship not partaking in it if that's the case.

Forcing religion on them isn't how it should work. Time for them to figure out their faith on their own and have their own religious journey.

Whether that means they enthusiastically enter the church again in a while or decide they don't believe.

Calandor · 20/03/2022 20:39

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Kite22 · 20/03/2022 20:51

I agree with everyone else. They are plenty old enough to make their own decisions.
That might include wanting to go to another Church, but for now is most likely to to involve just lying in.

I can't believe you are making them do something that don't want to do because you are worried about what your mother might say.