Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teens and Church

105 replies

Jamn50 · 20/03/2022 07:00

We attended church on a Sunday morning and my nearly 16 year old DD and nearly 14 year old DS have said some weeks they don’t want to go. DH and I have said it’s only one hour we’re asking for a week and we want them to still come till they are 18. Other people at church say there children have to go while they live at home regardless of age others say they never force there kids. I don’t want them to view church negatively as they do have a faith but find church dull sometimes. My other issue is my mum is quite controlling and she would give me a hard time if they didn’t go sometimes. I’m really unsure as to what is best here.

OP posts:
Appliancedesparation · 20/03/2022 07:31

is my mum is quite controlling and she would give me a hard time if they didn’t go sometimes
The irony, you too are being a controlling mum.
No one should have religion forced on them and at their ages they really should be able to decide for themselves.
You seem overly caught up in what other people think, but that's your stuff to deal with.

Huckleberries73 · 20/03/2022 07:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

soundsystem · 20/03/2022 07:35

As others have said, I'd look at other ways they can explore be that different churches, youth groups etc.

I'd also suggest a compromise where they come with you for the important events in the church calendar but don't have to go every week. Perhaps if it's left up to them to join you or not, after a while you may find they want to tag along more than you'd think? By digging your heels in and insisting are you more likely to make them do the same and stop going completely?

If it helps, I stoped going completely as a teenager and then started again as an adult when I had my own children and I found a church that we felt part of. I didn't lose my faith, but teenagers and Sunday mornings aren't necessarily the best mix!

soundsystem · 20/03/2022 07:36
  • explore their faith, I meant!
Fizbosshoes · 20/03/2022 07:36

At a similar age I changed churches to one my friend went to because there were more boys teens there of a similar age, and more going on for that age group.
That said as an adult I went to church and DH didn't come very often. From the age of about 7 my DC didn't want to go and I didn't force them to. Although it was different because dH was at home so it wasn't a family tradition.
But I would say they are old enough to choose

seasaltstripes · 20/03/2022 07:38

From what you've said, I think you don't want to pressure/force them to go, but you're feel like you should (because of your mum/other church peers).
Making them go risks putting them off church/faith, and is a strain on your relationship with your children and doesn't respect their growing autonomy, which nearly everyone agrees is important for teenagers' development and wellbeing. But it makes you look better to your mum/church people.
For me, it's clear what you should do. Full disclosure: I grew up attending (Catholic) church and had some robust discussions with my mum when I wanted to stop going in my early teens. I wanted to stop going because I was agnostic about God, and found the Church's position on various things increasingly at odds with my own views. My mum wasn't happy about it, but she respected my decision, and I respected her for that. I still don't go to church, but I have a much better relationship with my mum than I would have done if she'd insisted I keep going through my teens.

LouLou789 · 20/03/2022 07:43

I think it would be worth looking at other churches/groups further afield, that might have better youth groups. If you find one, why not go to that one yourself too, since you’ll have to drive them? Perfect way also to make that break away from your mum’s church with the simple motivation that you’re all attending one that suits the kids better.

But if your kids really don’t want to go to any (having tried out the alternatives) then that’s up to them. A faith life should be a source of joy and enrichment, not tedious obligation, and it’s worth giving the kids the opportunity to explore their own feelings and ideas.

Georgeskitchen · 20/03/2022 07:51

I was made to go to church. Went to Sunday school as a child which I loved but once at the age of 13 or so, it becomes boring and feels like having to sit amongst a bunch of boring old biddies. I had endless arguments with my mother until she finally gave in and stopped making me go.
There's nothing like forcing teenagers to do something that makes them.dig their heels in even more!!

PinkPlantCase · 20/03/2022 07:52

I know some families who as their DC have got older have enforced Sunday as a family day.

So the teens/older children don’t have to attend church but they do have to make an effort to be available to spend quality time together as a family. They’ll go for walks or prepare meals together etc. The kids don’t plan sports etc for that day.

It means that in their family Sunday is always seen as a special day of rest, regardless of if they go to church or not.

TenoringBehind · 20/03/2022 07:52

Respect their feelings and let them stay home (or go elsewhere) if that’s what they want. Forcing them to go against their will is likely to be very counter-productive and put them off church for many years. I was forced to go as a child (until I refused print blank at 16) and it was only on my 40s that I felt able to go back again.

Because your mother was controlling with you doesn’t mean you have to make the same mistakes.

gogohm · 20/03/2022 08:01

My kids attended right through their teens, but they take part, they are choral scholars, dd1 still is a principal soloist.

Other young people had different jobs eg sound system, lights, helping those in wheelchairs ... young people need to be involved.

I wouldn't make kids go past 12 when they can stay home alone (assuming no sen) but I would introduce them to youth focused activities because you are just putting them off by insisting

gogohm · 20/03/2022 08:03

@LouLou789

Well put. Many options both in person and online for youngsters, don't force them

RoseMartha · 20/03/2022 08:04

Help them find a church that they do enjoy going to in your area and encourage them to go. They might be wanting something that is more to their choosing. You could drop and/or collect if they cant get there themselves.

My teens were brought up to go, now don't want to, nor do mine really believe either, they have their own minds you cant force them. Just pray for them.
As there is SN involved with my Dc's I cant go by myself unless they are at their dads that day but certainly leave them at home and go without them if you can.

Lilyofthevalleys · 20/03/2022 08:10

I remember being asked at Sunday school why we went to church. I was 14/15. I thought I was there of my own free will. I asked my mum could I stay at home if I wanted to. She said no, I had to go to church till I was at least 16. That was when I realised that whether I had faith etc was irrelevant, it was the beginning of the end of my relationship with the church. I realised I wasn’t allowed to think or question. I had no choice, it wasn’t about faith or a personal relationship with God.

Before that conversation I was happy going to church, we had a good youth scene and I had friends there. But it just shifted everything for me.

Loopytiles · 20/03/2022 08:15

Wouldn’t make them go to church at all if they don’t want to, for any reasons.

They’re more than old enough to decide.

Other churchgoers requiring church as a condition of their teens living at home are making a poor choice IMO!

Your mum’s opinions on the matter are irrelevant.

If your mum is overbearing, some good information on the ‘Stately Homes’ reading recommendations in the relationships section. Wouldn’t prioritise pleasing or avoiding negative behaviours from her over yourself or your DC, DH.

horseymum · 20/03/2022 08:20

We haven't had the issue yet but put lots of effort into making church a welcoming place for teens. Eg they can be in the music group, be on the sound desk etc. Their voice is listened to. They have youth activities. I think people saying young people are the future of the church is so wrong, they are the current church and need to be involved. I would maybe try somewhere else, even if it's just in the evenings to see if it suits them better. They don't need things to be cool and trendy, just genuine. Pray for them everyday.

Glittertwins · 20/03/2022 08:22

My grandparents used to do this when I was young. Dreaded being there over weekends because of this. Fortunately as I got older, I used to pretend I was still asleep and dodged it that way and they never tried to wake me up to go. I'd surface as soon as the coast was clear.

Original poster
Jamn50 · 20/03/2022 08:29

@horseymum
They have youth activities and options to work the sound desk etc. my DD is not one for small talk and just wants to go in and out asap. My DS tolerates it and is a more social person he is like me will do things to please people. I don’t want him to end up like me and feel like I have to please everyone regardless of how I feel.

OP posts:
BluebellStreet · 20/03/2022 08:31

Why don't you let your teenagers also choose a mandatory weekly family activity that you all do together? We go to the skate park.

Bumpsadaisie · 20/03/2022 08:31

Mine are 12 and 10. We're a clergy family.

Both mine describe themselves as atheists. That's fine with us.

They are old enough to stay at home together for a couple of hours on a Sunday morning, I don't think it would be fair to force them to join us. They can explore their own faith in their own time.

We just ask them to come with us to the service on Xmas day and ester day as that is something we do as a family. They're alright with that.

LittleBrenda · 20/03/2022 08:33

I don’t want him to end up like me and feel like I have to please everyone regardless of how I feel.

And how do you feel about this?

Ragwort · 20/03/2022 08:37

I don't think you should force them. I am a church attender but my DS stopped coming with me from about 5 as he started playing rugby on a Sunday morning... he then joined a church youth club at around 12 and got very involved with that church, a much more lively one that I attend. He is very involved with the CU at Uni and has found his own faith which I find really encouraging.

User280905 · 20/03/2022 08:38

Mine come at Christmas, Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday. Occasionally they will surprise me and come with me other times. Remembrance Sunday. There's nothing to be gained from forcing them, apart from resentment.

RTHJ14 · 20/03/2022 08:41

My Mum forced me to go until 16… like others have said it pushed me away and I spent the following years very distanced from faith. My own children therefore haven’t been formally brought up in the church and as I find myself drifting back (to faith rather than church) they have little understanding of it. I wish I’d had a better long term relationship with the church and I think I would of I’d been allowed to develop it for myself - I’d give your kids the space to develop their own, as it will end up meaning more to them xx

FannyFifer · 20/03/2022 08:41

We grew up going to church, however when as teenagers we no longer wanted to go my parents respected my choice.
Religion should not be forced on anyone.
Weird that you would make children that age go when they have told you that they don't want to.

Swipe left for the next trending thread