Teens and Church

[Jamn50]

We attended church on a Sunday morning and my nearly 16 year old DD and nearly 14 year old DS have said some weeks they don’t want to go. DH and I have said it’s only one hour we’re asking for a week and we want them to still come till they are 18. Other people at church say there children have to go while they live at home regardless of age others say they never force there kids. I don’t want them to view church negatively as they do have a faith but find church dull sometimes. My other issue is my mum is quite controlling and she would give me a hard time if they didn’t go sometimes. I’m really unsure as to what is best here.

Don't make them go. What would be the point?

@lightand

Take them to different churches until they find one they like. Even if you dont like it, right now, their faith is more important than yours.

I am speaking as a Christian

I am speaking as a Christian

That doesn't make you the authority on what OPs children want or need. They might not want to go to another church.

I, personally, would be trying some different churches for their sake and yours. It doesn't sound healthy the relationship you have with your mum and us be worried that the kids see church as something you do to please her rather than because it is a choice you have made.

My husband and I are both Christians. Every time we moved house and areas we looked for a church which taught the truths of the bible in an intelligent and engaging way. Sometimes finding such a church took a while but we weren't hung up on which denomination. When each of our children objected to coming we explained that they could opt out as soon as they reached 16. For us, them deciding not to come was a big decision so we preferred them to take that decision when they were in their mid teens. We also held the view that 1 hour out of the week wasn't a big ask bearing in mind that the secular world took up the entire rest of the week. Outside church setting, for many people without faith in Jesus, the words 'God' and 'Jesus' are usually only used as blasphemy so it was also good for them to hear those words used differently and respectfully. We never forced our views on our children as faith in Jesus has to be a personal decision and we didn't want to put any barriers in their way by being overbearing or didactic. I'm extremely grateful to God that all 3 became Christians at different ages and stages of their lives. Their decisions not ours.

Don't force them - they are old enough to decide

Try and find an alternative church or worship evening for them

Even if they don't attend that specific church, you have given them a rock solid foundation that will always be there

• Said as a mum to ds 13 and dd 15 who found it too hard to go back to our church after Covid shut down, and am praying for a way for them to return to worship in any form

They're old enough to make their own choices IMO, respect their choices if they're disinterested or don't believe

Don't force them. Respect their feelings. They don't want to go to church and are perfectly capable of staying at home on their own for a couple of hours, so let them.

If your mother doesn't like that then that is her problem. You are the parent here, not her. Stick up for yourself and your children. If she kicks off and starts to criticise then tell her firmly to wind her neck in.

Nobody should be obliged to go to church. We sometimes had to go with our parents as children, though thankfully not every Sunday. Even my parents didn't particularly like it. By the time I was a teenager they had virtually given up on church, it was just something that my Dad in particular rather reluctantly thought ought to be done. So it fizzled out, and that was honestly such a relief.

You need to stand up to your mum.

This isn’t about your mum anymore, it’s about you and your husband not respecting your kids as individuals. You’re repeating the process.

God isn’t a necessity for a lot of people whether it suits your family narrative or not.

Don't make them go. They will rebel.

Let them make their own decisions and they may come back to it in their own time!

My dad made us go to church and I hated it. It tarnished my childhood.

I think your faith is important. Why not go to the church that you like, and that you find sustaining, and have it as a morning for you? Then let your children see you come back happy and uplifted. I would look at positive ways to bring your faith into your house too.

I think also ask them what if anything they can come up with to support their own spiritual development? I do think voluntary work or family time can be more beneficial than actual church to teenagers. Something practical and immediate.

I'm one of the secular atheists mentioned upthread, so yes it goes against the grain to make children attend who are articulating clearly why they don't want to go. I did go to church when ds was younger, then he stopped going and stayed home with his dad, and I came to feel I was stealing time from the family by going. That might not have mattered if I'd felt true spiritual sustenance from going. But I didn't, I wanted my child there to prove to other people I was a good mum. That wasn't a reason.

[quote Jamn50]@DuchessSilver
They find it boring. We’re in a small town and the churches are old fashioned really. DD and DS always say they end up talking about death every service and it’s depressing![/quote]
I don't blame them for not wanting to go.

I must admit that your post made me angry on behalf of your children. Just because you seem to have an unhealthy relationship with your controlling mother, doesn't mean that you have to do the same to your children. They know what church is all about, they find it dull, and they don't want to go. What is wrong with respecting their opinion? If they want to go, let them. If they want to do something different. let them. Church is not a non-negotiable thing like keeping yourself clean. All you seem to be achieving right now is laying the seeds of an unhappy relationship with your own children. Why not break the cycle of control?

Listen to your kids and respect their wishes. I will never forget the emotional manipulation my mother put me through when I told her I wasn’t going to church. The guilt trip from her didn’t work and it would have been better if she had just supported me as I was.

They are teens now and it’s time they had a say in how they spend Sunday mornings. It sounds dull and depressing. Honestly, what do you think they get out of attending such a church? And if you’re only insisting because of your DM, well, that’s not really a compelling enough reason. Stand up to your mother and respect that your children are developing their own opinions now. The way you’re going, you’ll ensure that once they are independent, they never set foot in a church again.

We go to church every week, but we know that making our children go (beyond the age when they can be left alone) is futile and possibly even damaging.

Genuine faith has to be a personal and individual decision. In my experience, any forcing is going to backfire. Gentle encouragement is fine.

Modelling your faith is infinitely better than keeping up appearances.

I gave up on that one long ago. We were told we were going and that was that, you didn’t say no!!
I do my thing because it’s what I want to do and I think everyone should be brought up with their own ideas and beliefs. It’s part of raising our kids to think for themselves and form their own opinions not forced to believe in something they don’t. Faith and belief is exactly that - you either believe it or you don’t. My son goes to a religious school and learns of our faith but we won’t force it Outside school. He’s 16 but stopped going with me before lockdown

Forcing people into a faith is just wrong, what are you going to do? Punish them if they don't attend?

Do you honestly think that will increase their faith or just harm their relationship with you?

You're a grown up now, so deal with your dysfunctional relationship with your own mother and don't make your DC the victims of her controlling ways as well.

By allowing them autonomy of their beliefs you are being a better parent than your DM was/is; by forcing them into church attendance they will end up feeling towards you as you do towards your mother and I really don't think you want that.

We are Christians and always took our dc to church when they were small. Dd1 and ds were always happy to go, but dd2 stopped going at 14 because she thought it was stupid and she didn't believe a word of it.

Dd1 and ds both went on to be baptised as adult believers (full immersion in the tank!) when they were 16-17. They don't come along every week but mostly they are there, and they're now 20 and 22. Dd2 is 18 and came on those Sundays and every so often she'll decide to join us, we don't make a big deal out of it.

I think the age of OPs dc is good for allowing them to choose for themselves.

Do not make them go. I used to be forced to go as a teen who’d been forced to be a catholic (the practice of confirmation pre puberty is disgusting) so I used to sit there each week thinking fuck this fuck god fuck everything for an hour.

I cannot BEAR the indoctrination of children in religious families . The older I get the more annoyed / upset this makes me. Don’t make them go!

Why are you DCs going to church to please people? If they have faith and want to attend fair enough - but they shouldn't be going to please you, your mum or anyone else. My parents also made me go to church until I was 18. I left as soon as I could and in the past 35 years I've gone to 1 funeral and 1 wedding - I refuse to go to anything else. In my opinion they are just full of hypocrites and goody two shoes - usually nosey ones. Please just stop!