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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Not sure how to deal with this

94 replies

MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:01

Yesterday we left DS15 "home alone" for the night for the first time. We were about a three hour drive away. He's usually very sensible/responsible, so I made sure the neighbours were around in case there was an emergency, but wasn't too worried. After we'd left he asked if he could go for a sleepover with a school friend (he never usually goes for sleepovers... He's just not been into them). I was fine with this, and didn't even think to check with the parents. I tried texting him a couple of times just to check in and day goodnight, as I couldn't see him on Google maps. I didn't get a reply until about 9.30 in the morning, and had been slightly worried, but had told myself to stop being neurotic.

Anyway he told us when we got back that he'd actually gone on a 8 hour bus journey (usually 5 hours, but there were delays) to go and visit "his girlfriend" (a 15yr old girl he's been chatting with on discord). He arrived at 11 at night. The girl's parents then drove them both to a sleepover/party at some other kids' house. WTF?!

We're completely blindsided by this... It obviously goes against everything we've ever said about internet safety. I feel sick to think of how badly it might have turned out.

I'm also very pissed off that the parents didn't a) insist that he tell us what he was going, and b) took them to a sleepover (there was vodka, and luckily DS was sensible enough not to drink much). They spent the night together, but didn't have sex (I know this from looking through his phone... Yes I know it's an invasion of privacy, and this is the first time I've checked it for a few years). But anyway, I'm wondering WTF kind of parents he's getting mixed up with.

I'm just reeling from it all. Not sure how to proceed. He's apologised and made all the right noises about understanding how shocked/worried we must be, but he's also smitten and is wanting to meet with her again (for more sleepovers!?).

OP posts:
MrsBlondie · 06/03/2022 00:04

For starters I wouldn't leave a 15 year old alone at night.....16 is minimum age

Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:11

Eh? Where did you find that info? We made our decision based on DS's history of being very sensible. Never stays out late, very reliable etc. We live in a small block of flats with good neighbours who were around to help out in any emergency. Obviously we made the wrong call, but I don't think there's any law about the age a kid can be left alone at night.

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Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:13

And obviously we'd talked it through thoroughly with him, and he assured us he'd be absolutely fine (!?)

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WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 06/03/2022 00:18

Its a bit unfair to blame the parents here.

They were likely lied to as much as you.

Could you imagine them saying "WTF kind of parent let's their 15yo get a bus at that hour of the night to a strangers house" (if they knew).

If that was my kid I would definitely hold myself partly responsible.

I would handle this with a lesson in online safety and a promise not to leave him at night again until he proves himself responsible (Well after the age of 16).

Seesawsally · 06/03/2022 00:20

Apart from tell him he took a massive gamble & agree in future he'll check in & let you know where he is, I wouldn't do anything. He's 15 it's What 15yr Olds do. He's finding his independence.

Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:21

Could you imagine them saying "WTF kind of parent let's their 15yo get a bus at that hour of the night to a strangers house" (if they knew).

Haha, yes this is true, but as soon as they found out that we didn't know they should have done something, and absolutely should not have driven them to a party at 11pm?!

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Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:23

And yes, I do hold myself responsible... I misjudged him completely. But like I said, he's not at all a risk taker/rebellious usually.

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Bunty55 · 06/03/2022 00:25

You can't put the blame for this on other people. You left a teenager on his own and he made a series of decisions which he would not have had the chance to make if you had not left him alone.

Lesson learned here

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 06/03/2022 00:25

@MollyCoddle

Could you imagine them saying "WTF kind of parent let's their 15yo get a bus at that hour of the night to a strangers house" (if they knew).

Haha, yes this is true, but as soon as they found out that we didn't know they should have done something, and absolutely should not have driven them to a party at 11pm?!

Maybe they didn't find out?

Maybe you don't think they should have driven them to a party, but they knew where their kid was 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:27

Yes, as noted above I am taking responsibility here. I'm really looking for ways to proceed. Obviously he won't be left alone at night for the foreseeable. But I'm wondering how restrictive to be with future visits to/from the GF

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Beamur · 06/03/2022 00:28

He's been exceptionally dishonest. I'd suggest that this relationship is not ideal. He's making the right noises but I don't think I would be inclined to believe him..

Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:28

They definitely knew, as there's an exchange of texts with the mum.

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Beamur · 06/03/2022 00:32

In terms of how you proceed. I wouldn't try and forbid it as that is unlikely to work. But the distance here is in your favour. Allow maybe infrequent visiting. It's likely to fizzle out. Monitor the internet usage and set very clear rules and consequences.

Bunty55 · 06/03/2022 00:33

Perhaps the mum thought you were on board with all of this especially given you had left him alone for the evening?

Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:39

As above, she did know. Can you imagine driving your 15 yr old DD to a sleepover party with a boy that had just secretly travelled to your house?!

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Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:42

Anyway, the reason I'm going on about it isn't aboutt minimising my responsibility for it, but trying to think how to go forward when i don't feel confident they're safe parents.

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Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:43

"Beamur

In terms of how you proceed. I wouldn't try and forbid it as that is unlikely to work. But the distance here is in your favour. Allow maybe infrequent visiting. It's likely to fizzle out. Monitor the internet usage and set very clear rules and consequences."

Thanks for this advice

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bigfatmeerkat · 06/03/2022 00:45

At 15 I would say you should allow some freedom. But wanting to travel 6/8 hours to meet an internet pal is pretty immature, maybe needs a bit more guidance? Although tbf at 15 most if not all of my friendship group were having fake sleepovers and drinking cider in parks

Bunty55 · 06/03/2022 00:46

No I can't, but if I went out for the evening and left my son home alone, he would have taken advantage of it and done something stupid.

There was no real harm done,and now you know you can't leave him.

I am a mum of three and they have all been teenage bastards, but I think you have to pick your battles with them and in leaving him you gave him a green light to do whatever he wanted.

Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:49

"maybe needs a bit more guidance" we have been so abundantly clear about this sort of thing. Had many chats about internet safety. I'm at a loss as to what further guidance we can give :-(. Maybe we need to reinstate spot checks on phone etc?!

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SirVixofVixHall · 06/03/2022 00:50

15 is too young to be left alone all night, a 15 year old, however “sensible” is still too much a child to make really good decisions. They simply don’t have the experience or the maturity. As you have found out.
I have teenagers, they are trustworthy and cautious, but in no way old enough to be left alone for that length of time.
The parents of the girl sound irresponsible, but perhaps your DS told them that it was fine with you ?

Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:51

Yeah Bunty, I think you've pretty much summed it up. FFS... My grey hair

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Bunty55 · 06/03/2022 00:57

@MollyCoddle

Yeah Bunty, I think you've pretty much summed it up. FFS... My grey hair
Sorry for being harsh. My son used to nick my car when I was asleep and one night he kerbed it and damaged the wheel and came home and said nothing. When I think of those years........... I shudder !
Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 01:00

I didn't think you were being harsh :-D.

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Original poster
MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 01:02

It's got me questioning everything now though. Like what if he sneaks out in the night? Your car story is making me shudder!!

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