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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Not sure how to deal with this

94 replies

MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:01

Yesterday we left DS15 "home alone" for the night for the first time. We were about a three hour drive away. He's usually very sensible/responsible, so I made sure the neighbours were around in case there was an emergency, but wasn't too worried. After we'd left he asked if he could go for a sleepover with a school friend (he never usually goes for sleepovers... He's just not been into them). I was fine with this, and didn't even think to check with the parents. I tried texting him a couple of times just to check in and day goodnight, as I couldn't see him on Google maps. I didn't get a reply until about 9.30 in the morning, and had been slightly worried, but had told myself to stop being neurotic.

Anyway he told us when we got back that he'd actually gone on a 8 hour bus journey (usually 5 hours, but there were delays) to go and visit "his girlfriend" (a 15yr old girl he's been chatting with on discord). He arrived at 11 at night. The girl's parents then drove them both to a sleepover/party at some other kids' house. WTF?!

We're completely blindsided by this... It obviously goes against everything we've ever said about internet safety. I feel sick to think of how badly it might have turned out.

I'm also very pissed off that the parents didn't a) insist that he tell us what he was going, and b) took them to a sleepover (there was vodka, and luckily DS was sensible enough not to drink much). They spent the night together, but didn't have sex (I know this from looking through his phone... Yes I know it's an invasion of privacy, and this is the first time I've checked it for a few years). But anyway, I'm wondering WTF kind of parents he's getting mixed up with.

I'm just reeling from it all. Not sure how to proceed. He's apologised and made all the right noises about understanding how shocked/worried we must be, but he's also smitten and is wanting to meet with her again (for more sleepovers!?).

OP posts:

BuyDirt · 06/03/2022 06:24

He's 15 it's What 15yr Olds do.

No, it’s not. Teens don’t necessarily tell their parents everything, they may drink and smoke weed and go somewhere with friends without telling you, but to wait til their parents are away and travel across the country, 5 hours away, to meet someone they’ve only talked to online isn’t normal teen behaviour at all. Most teens do some stupid stuff with their friends, but most don’t go off alone and meet new people having only talked to them online. One of my teens friends was contemplating doing this and the others told him not to be a dick.

lljkk · 06/03/2022 06:25

you're not confident in those other parents but they were more around for their teen (supervising, in touch) than you were... They knew where their teenager was at all times.

Anyway, nothing bad happened. Nobody is harmed. wrt "how to proceed" you want more communication. If he had asked your permission to go would you have said yes? If not, then why not? Why did he want to sneak around? Meet her, meet her parents, not even clear you've spoken to them so you only have his version of events, I think.

How far away from 16 is he? You want to help him manage risk & make good decisions, not try to tell him everything to do.

lljkk · 06/03/2022 06:29

ps: 16 isn't magical, they don't suddenly turn sensible at 16. Situation is a process.

Original poster

MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 06:58

Just to reiterate, yes I absolutely realise we made the wrong call, and that's entirely down to us. But it was based on a pretty much flawless track record of reliability and honesty. When he asked to go for a sleepover with a friend (his best friend who lives nearby), it didn't occur to me to check with the parents. This is the first time I haven't done that! (He has an older sister, and I would always send a quick text to the parents to okay it all). Obviously I will be checking that in future.

If he'd asked to go and visit her, tbh we probably would have dragged our feet. It would have been a definite no for a sleepover, and a maybe for visiting her town, but with lots of checks (messaging the parents, location on etc (just to add, it's one of the most deprived/crime-ridden towns in the UK).

And yeah I think the plan for now is to allow her to visit occasionally, but no sleepovers (although this will make it almost impossible logistically!).

OP posts:

Original poster

MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 07:01

I've asked to have a chat with the mum this morning. And to reiterate, she absolutely knew he was visiting secretly. I've been through his phone, and there are messages to/from the mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 07:25

TBF she was encouraging him to tell us what he'd done...

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 06/03/2022 07:39

Yeah we have a well behaved 15 year old but if away overnight grandparents come or a sleepover arranged with friend whose mum I know trust and is fully briefed we are away it’s a tricky age as they seem sensible on the surface

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 06/03/2022 07:42

Oh god. Mine are not as old as yours are yet op. I'm terrified 🙈

Making sure he knows this is not acceotable & keeoing closer tabs on him is the way to gonI guess.

I remember my parents going away when I was 15 m/16 & leaving me overnight. Lots of alcohol was drink & my boyfriend slept over. I really dread to think what ours will do at this age.

Kids eh?!

And the other parents do sound odd. I wouldn't let him go there again. Say she has to come to you. Then at least you know where he is.

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 06/03/2022 07:43

(Sorry for the terrible typing!)

Buildingthefuture · 06/03/2022 07:53

I do not think you were unreasonable to leave him at all! He’s 15 not 5!!
He’s growing up, testing the boundaries, being a teenager. Give him a bollocking, explain the risks, an appropriate sanction, then let it go. And yes I would leave him alone again, he is going to know you will be watching him like a hawk!!
It is a bit weird that the other mum knew you didn’t know though? I would have thought she would insist he tell you, but maybe your chat with her will tell you more….

GADDay · 06/03/2022 07:55

The issue is not one of spreading his wings and becoming more independent.

It is about downright dishonesty which could have ended up terribly.

Playing a few scenarios:
He got the bus - arrived and she ditched him. Left on the street at 11pm. Google turned off.

Worse - he got the bus, arrived and found himself in a situation he could not handle. Drugs, weapons... Again, his lies made it impossible for you to find him.

Personally - if I hadn't made contact before bed and he is usually reliable/sensible, I would have driven the three hours home to check on him.

It is simple - he cannot be trusted and he completely abused your trust which could have had horrendous results.

Can you imagine the conversation with the police??

Original poster

MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 07:57

I'm actually really glad I've learned this lesson, and the scales have fallen from my eyes. In fact there's a tiny bit of me that's relieved he's not the fastidious rule-obeyeri thought he was. I was an incredibly well behaved teen, but it was because any rebellion had been squashed out of me. I'm glad he has a bit of defiance/desire to do his own thing. Obviously it was ridiculously reckless, but I guess this is opening a door for discussions about freedom and responsibility.

OP posts:

Mmmmyeah · 06/03/2022 08:26

@MollyCoddle

I've asked to have a chat with the mum this morning. And to reiterate, she absolutely knew he was visiting secretly. I've been through his phone, and there are messages to/from the mum.

Very bad she knew it was secret. Very.

I'd call her and ask her to explain herself. Say how worried you were.

I'd say they can meet (you can't really ban/stop this) but you expect absolute honesty and if you ever find you've been lied to or another parent has effectively facilitated you child lying to you then it will not work.

I would say for now the gf can make the 5 hour journey to you.

Mmmmyeah · 06/03/2022 08:29

And yes as @GADDay says, this could have been entirely unsafe.

You can't have him ever in a situation where he could bunk off again.

GF visits you, only. I wouldn't want him staying with those parents. Couldn't trust a word they say either. Can't believe the mum was texting him about the secret plan!! 🤦‍♀️

Loopytiles · 06/03/2022 08:37

On the relationship, wouldn’t allow him to visit the young woman overnight, nor to host her overnight. Nor subsidise any travel costs. It’ll likely fizzle out due to distance.

When I was 16 I briefly ‘dated’ an older (22) young man who lived far away. My mum wasn’t happy. She hosted one disastrous visit from him, then said she wouldn’t do so again and that I could host/visit boyfriends overnight once I had my own money and accommodation. Fair enough! I was relieved as had realised he was bad news anyway.

dirtyjoan · 06/03/2022 08:43

@MollyCoddle

I've asked to have a chat with the mum this morning. And to reiterate, she absolutely knew he was visiting secretly. I've been through his phone, and there are messages to/from the mum.

In that case, I agree with others that I wouldn't trust this parent to be responsible for my child if he went there again. If he wants to see this girl then she'll have to come to you.

I guess they could meet halfway for the day.

He's been a little shit and will hopefully now learn that this means a loss of trust and privileges because you're going to be on him and double checking everything.

Libertybear80 · 06/03/2022 08:46

Open communication is the best way. Otherwise he is going to keep hiding information from you. Pick your battles.

WaterTheBasil · 06/03/2022 09:26

I think it's imperative you stop thinking about the actions of the other Karen's and refocus on your own child.

The other parents can parent however they want. They don't have to justify that to you and they aren't going to nod sagely and say 'yes, we now see the error of our ways and we will rethink our entire lives because you have pointed this out to us.'

You need to talk to your own son, let him know how worried you are now and how you now can't trust him.

As for the girlfriend, when he's done whatever you decide he needs to do to trust him again I'd ask him to arrange a day out in a halfway city where they can meet up safely. And I would go with him the first time on the train. Not to meet the girl but to practice the journey and make him feel like he has independence and then you can spend the day doing something you want to do.

Beamur · 06/03/2022 09:29

If it's any consolation, one of my SC's who is a wonderful young woman now and a highly untroublesome teen pulled a similar-ish stunt at the same age. Didn't involve boys but did involve a pretend sleepover and then she went and did something she'd already asked to do - but had been refused permission as her Mum thought she was too young (Mum was right) and she got found out! She was fine, deeply chastened, very regretful (genuine) and understood what she'd done was risky and dangerous.
You have learnt OP that he's not as mature as you thought and capable of very risky behaviour, on the plus side, he's also resourceful and hasn't come to any harm and this is a really good time to reinforce why this was risky and your expectations going forward.
I think your approach to meeting this girl could go back to square one and allow daytime visits only and no overnight stays. Travel at his own expense too.

idkiamnotcreative · 06/03/2022 11:59

Hi OP,

Sorry perhaps off topic so feel free to ignore. But when I was 15 ten years ago my mum and sisters went away overnight for my sister's birthday and left me alone at home. Two weeks later children's services were involved (not due to leaving me alone! Because she used to physically hurt me, just happened to come up around the same time) and when the social worker found out about that I had been left alone for the weekend she told my mum if anything had gone wrong then police would have been involved and she would have been in a lot of trouble.

Just over a year ago one of my cousins had a party at her new flat and invited all my cousins. Because that was during lockdown, neighbours reported the party and alot of police showed up. Because my little cousins 15 and 17 didn't want their parents to get in trouble, they lied. One told the police they had snuck out to their older sister's house who took them to the party (this wasn't true, their mum had driven them to the party and knew everything), the other cousin said their mum had dropped them off at their sisters but knew nothing of the party they headed on to (I don't know what the police actually believed). My two little cousins got taken back home in the police car and their mum investigated for neglect (dropped because no actual harm came to my cousins). Their mum was told if anything like that ever happened again, social services would need to be "significantly" involved again.

Anyway I don't know what my point of this is sorry but I suppose perhaps just that maybe just it would be best not to leave him alone overnight when he is under 16 as if anything goes wrong you could be held responsible (even if you think other parents are at least partly to blame).

It must be incredibly hard to be the parent of a teen!

titchy · 06/03/2022 12:04

Why did he tell you?

AgentProvocateur · 06/03/2022 12:23

And I would go with him the first time on the train. Not to meet the girl but to practice the journey and make him feel like he has independence and then you can spend the day doing something you want to do.

Seriously? At 15? I would assume I’d failed as a parent if my 15 year old couldn’t get on a train by himself.

WaterTheBasil · 06/03/2022 12:42

@AgentProvocateur

Seriously? At 15? I would assume I’d failed as a parent if my 15 year old couldn’t get on a train by himself.

Yes point taken! And this lad definitely can as he's done it already secretly. Eight bloody hours as well!

I would be going with him to hammer home I didn't trust him.

SavoyCabbage · 06/03/2022 12:45

Seriously? At 15? I would assume I’d failed as a parent if my 15 year old couldn’t get on a train by himself.

Judging by all the parents cluttering up the university offer days you are only one that thinks this.

My dd just went to Loughborough and there were only three other people there without their mammy and one of the dads asked her if she was ok there by herself. And these are actual 18 year olds.

AgentProvocateur · 06/03/2022 14:17

@SavoyCabbage back in the 80s (I am ancient, in MN years 😉) I left home and went to uni at 16, as did many of my classmates. It’s still possible, but rarer, to do that in Scotland. In retrospect, I was too young and immature, but at 16 I thought I knew everything. And the OP’s son probably thinks the same.

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