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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Not sure how to deal with this

94 replies

MollyCoddle · 06/03/2022 00:01

Yesterday we left DS15 "home alone" for the night for the first time. We were about a three hour drive away. He's usually very sensible/responsible, so I made sure the neighbours were around in case there was an emergency, but wasn't too worried. After we'd left he asked if he could go for a sleepover with a school friend (he never usually goes for sleepovers... He's just not been into them). I was fine with this, and didn't even think to check with the parents. I tried texting him a couple of times just to check in and day goodnight, as I couldn't see him on Google maps. I didn't get a reply until about 9.30 in the morning, and had been slightly worried, but had told myself to stop being neurotic.

Anyway he told us when we got back that he'd actually gone on a 8 hour bus journey (usually 5 hours, but there were delays) to go and visit "his girlfriend" (a 15yr old girl he's been chatting with on discord). He arrived at 11 at night. The girl's parents then drove them both to a sleepover/party at some other kids' house. WTF?!

We're completely blindsided by this... It obviously goes against everything we've ever said about internet safety. I feel sick to think of how badly it might have turned out.

I'm also very pissed off that the parents didn't a) insist that he tell us what he was going, and b) took them to a sleepover (there was vodka, and luckily DS was sensible enough not to drink much). They spent the night together, but didn't have sex (I know this from looking through his phone... Yes I know it's an invasion of privacy, and this is the first time I've checked it for a few years). But anyway, I'm wondering WTF kind of parents he's getting mixed up with.

I'm just reeling from it all. Not sure how to proceed. He's apologised and made all the right noises about understanding how shocked/worried we must be, but he's also smitten and is wanting to meet with her again (for more sleepovers!?).

OP posts:
CatFacedGirl · 06/03/2022 01:02

Absolute madness to leave a 15 year old at home alone overnight whilst you're 3 hours away. What were you thinking?! And yep I've had a 15 year old before and happen have one at the moment. I'd call him relatively sensible but not mature enough to leave overnight - it's really not advised, despite there being no set in stone age

Anyway it's done now. As to how you proceed - I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd need to be peeled off the ceiling first but I'd struggle to get past the fact that A it's my fault and B just how dishonest he'd been and C it would make me question just how much freedom I was giving him

So I think I'd start with curtailing some of these freedoms after a long chat detailing my disappointment in him

Not sure exactly what else you can do right now

Bunty55 · 06/03/2022 01:07

@MollyCoddle

It's got me questioning everything now though. Like what if he sneaks out in the night? Your car story is making me shudder!!
I think you need to convey to him that what happened will never happen again, and that he showed you what is is capable of, and has broken your trust. I don't actually think you can punish him though only because you left him. He has shown you what he is capable of given the chance.

You are better informed now :)

Bunty55 · 06/03/2022 01:07

Just read my post and it reads like shit :(

CatFacedGirl · 06/03/2022 01:09

I wouldn't ban the girlfriend stuff though as that just leads to even more stuff behind your back. But it would need careful discussion once I'd calmed down

Houseplantmad · 06/03/2022 01:12

15 is too young to be left to his own devices.

Remember boys, particularly, are very random at that age and many years after and can act very impulsively.

Bunty55 · 06/03/2022 01:15

And... if this is the worst thing he does.. think yourself lucky OP

I bet you are back on here again.

If I had known about Mumsnet when mine were at this age - the stories I could have told......

AlexaShutUp · 06/03/2022 01:16

15 is quite young to be left alone overnight. Maybe the gf's parents assumed from the fact that you'd left him that you are very hands off as a parent and that you'd be OK with it.

Personally, in their shoes, I'd have been more focused on my own dd and whether it was safe to let her go off to a party with some boy that she had met on the Internet. I'm not sure I would give that much thought to what his parents would or wouldn't think about it as I'd be focused on my own dc's safety.

sweetbellyhigh · 06/03/2022 01:26

I think you're being ridiculous to blame the other parents. I mean, look at what you did, leave a 15yo home alone for the night and give him the ok to go to a sleepover without checking where or with whom.

Never mind other parents, look at your own parenting. Utterly foolish and you got off lightly.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/03/2022 01:53

There needs to be a consequence for the not telling you the truth. Up to you, whatever consequences you usually give for lying.

No more going away and leaving him alone for a long time

Girlfriend comes to visit you next time rather than him going there. And set the tone for how you want visits to happen. I would insist on having a conversation with her parents before she comes and confirming with them the arrangements and telling them you will text them if anything changes. Then in future if he goes to their place you can get in touch to confirm arrangements in advance.

Geppili · 06/03/2022 02:00

No way would i leave my 15 yr old alone. I used to sneak out at night aged 14.

Rickrollme · 06/03/2022 02:07

Is anyone reading the OP’s posts? The other parents knew he hadn’t told her. And she’s not blaming the other parents. She knows she made a bad call leaving her son and she’s wondering how to handle it going forward. I don’t blame her for being concerned about letting her son go back to visit a home where the parents have no problem dropping their 15-year-old daughter off at a sleepover with a boy she just met on the Internet!

StopStartStop · 06/03/2022 02:56

You need to be grounded. No outings or screens for a year. You left your child overnight and could have lost him. A lot of conversations with him, going forward, about his safety and about how you'll demonstrate responsibility in future.

iPaddy · 06/03/2022 03:34

I don't think it's a massive mistake by the parents that they left a 15 year old for a night. You do have to trust your kid not to be a total idiot at some point! He has been a total idiot and is very very lucky that his online gf wasn't a 58 year old man with sinister intentions.

Hindsight is a great thing but in your shoes I would have asked questions when he said he wanted to go for a sleepover and checked in with the parents of the friend he was allegedly going to stay with.

You're not a terrible parent OP. Re how you proceed Ithink there does have to be a punishment for lying and some loss of online privacy until he can demonstrate he really understands the risk he took.

buddylicious · 06/03/2022 03:47

You cannot blame the other parents.

You should not leave a 15 year old overnight whilst you are three hours away. That's highly irresponsible!

buddylicious · 06/03/2022 03:48

@MollyCoddle

Anyway, the reason I'm going on about it isn't aboutt minimising my responsibility for it, but trying to think how to go forward when i don't feel confident they're safe parents.

But you're even less of a safe parent!

ZenNudist · 06/03/2022 03:54

15 is a really untrustworthy age. I wouldn't brat yourself up about it. I think the sneaking around and questionable decisions are a necessary part of growing up. If you sit on him too hard he will just find other ways to push boundaries.

DropYourSword · 06/03/2022 04:12

@StopStartStop

You need to be grounded. No outings or screens for a year. You left your child overnight and could have lost him. A lot of conversations with him, going forward, about his safety and about how you'll demonstrate responsibility in future.
Come on! He was 15! I don't think leaving a 15 year old for one night is such an outrageous offence!
mathanxiety · 06/03/2022 04:15

I think he needs a memorable punishment.

I would confiscate his phone and ground him from the internet for a few weeks.

He planned this in advance, and he turned off whatever tracker there was on his phone (as far as I can tell from your post). This wasn't a sudden, impulsive decision. It required planning, packing, and coordination with the mother of the girl.

I would be very concerned that he has found a girl whose parents are not protecting her at all. What is the attraction here? Are there no girls closer to home - with responsible parents - who he is interested in? How did he meet this girl?

If you let him get away with this you will have a very unhappy few years ahead of you. Don't let him continue with this relationship on grounds that you at least know what he's doing. He has used a phone which no doubt you provided to deceive you very comprehensively.

AgentProvocateur · 06/03/2022 04:41

A lone voice here, but was it really that bad? We’ve all lied about where we were at 15 to have a sleepover or go to a party somewhere we wouldn’t have been allowed. I get that meeting a stranger isn’t great, but presumably they’d been speaking for awhile and had seen each other virtually too.

Look on the positive side. He didn’t have to tell you, but he did.

Monty27 · 06/03/2022 05:00

OP you were lucky this time. Obviously he's not to be trusted in the near future not to lie nor to be left to his own devices.
He's scuppered your new found freedom and his own.

timestheyarechanging · 06/03/2022 05:03

Please don't worry. Mine both did similar and are doing well!
Pleaseignore pp who said you should not have left him at 15. Blimey, I went to Spain for a fortnight on my 16th birthday with friends and survived! (Had a great time!)
You're concerned enough to post on here.
My now 17yr old did much the same. He's a sensible boy, doing 3 a levels, plays county level football and cricket and has a lovely girlfriend and a solid relationship with me and his dad.
My daughter did the same sort of thing, she's now 22, works for the Met police and has a lovely boyfriend and a great bunch of friends.
We have a great relationship. Don't beat yourself up. They're not babies.

timestheyarechanging · 06/03/2022 05:09

Oh and my son had a sleepover at mine, 2 friends, when they were 15. I woke at 7 to find them in the kitchen and was surprised they were up so early. Turns out, they'd stayed up all night whilst I was sleeping and been to the 24hr Mac Donald's a bus ride away. Buggers! They were fine and they bought me breakfast, bless them.
Good kids, doing well at school, good relationships with parents and siblings - I applaud their tenacity.

BuyDirt · 06/03/2022 05:29

You know the girls parents are completely irresponsible, I mean they let their daughter go off with a boy she met on the internet, in fact they drove her to somewhere with him and left her. Why would you have any expectation of parents like this?

But your son is immature and unpredictable. You misjudged him and clearly don’t know him. I think you were wrong to leave a 15 year old alone overnight but the blame lies with your son. I’d be extremely angry with him for the risk her took and the deceit. As for seeing the ‘girlfriend’ in future, no way would he be travelling to see her, if she at some point came to visit him, there would. be no overnight stays in the house because your son is 15 and extremely immature and this girls sounds equally as stupid. I’d be hoping they both lose interest and that he realises what an idiot he has been.

Rosehugger · 06/03/2022 06:10

@Seesawsally

Apart from tell him he took a massive gamble & agree in future he'll check in & let you know where he is, I wouldn't do anything. He's 15 it's What 15yr Olds do. He's finding his independence.
This - I agree.
itsnotdeep · 06/03/2022 06:18

oh dear, yes the girls parents were irresponsible - but they're not responsible for your ds.

You've found out that you can't trust a teen in these circumstances- ever! thankfully no harm done. I remember having a lecture from a teacher at the start of Y9 with my eldest dd, about how they could not be trusted. I scoffed thinking she was exaggerating, and my gorgeous dd was different. I also learned a lesson when she asked for a few friends over one evening (which turned to total carnage, vomiting, police, and the rest).