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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen doesn't go out and non of his friends want to go out either

81 replies

oldrosie · 24/01/2022 07:18

My son and his friends rarely meet up or do anything out side of school.

Is this normal? What the hell is going on with our kids? They don't want to go out and socialise and be teenagers. I find it very very worrying that they don't want to interact and be out. I kind of force DS to message his mates and see if they want to go to town or hang out and none of them ever do. It's so so sad.Social media and games consoles are obviously to blame but we are human beings and we need to be around one another.

What is everyone elses thoughts?

OP posts:
notordinary · 24/01/2022 07:20

My nearly 13 year old is the same!

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 24/01/2022 07:22

My teen boy doesn’t often either. Teen girl does.

But my thoughts are that you shouldn’t force your preferences on him. If he doesn’t want or need that and his friends don’t either then it’s not really on to pressure him to do it. Gently suggest maybe but if he doesn’t want to it’s his call. And if his mates don’t want to either you’ll upset the dynamic of his friendships by making him pester them to go out.

Some people just need down time when they’ve been with people all day.

SomewhereOnlyIKnow · 24/01/2022 07:25

My teen doesn’t either. Never socialises with friends from college.

LouLou198 · 24/01/2022 07:25

Maybe they are all just struggling to adjust after being made to stay at home for the best part of 2 years? I know I am.

toomuchlaundry · 24/01/2022 07:27

DS doesn’t hang out with mates either. I didn’t either though.

FindingMeno · 24/01/2022 07:28

Sometimes I wish mine would stay home more.
I don't have this problem at all, and most of their friends just seem to check in home for food and sleep too!

BennysBingoBonanza · 24/01/2022 07:28

I feel sorry for our kids going through the last two years of covid when they’ve not been allowed out much of the time. Not surprising that they’ve found ways to interact that don’t require them to be physically together.

Does he do any sport out of school? DS and his friends play football together which is obviously something you can’t replicate online. Have you suggested he invite friends round to your house?

musicalfrog · 24/01/2022 07:29

Do they have access to bikes? When I was that age we used to love the independence.

AlexaShutUp · 24/01/2022 07:30

Maybe your ds is just an introvert and enjoys his own company.

My dd is very extroverted and loves going out with her friends - mix of both boys and girls, but none of them are really into gaming, which might make a difference. She hated lockdown!

I think the main question is whether your ds is happy and thriving. If he is, then there is no need for him to go out with his mates just because that's what you think he should be doing. If he isn't, then that's what needs to be addressed. It's about what's right for him.

runningoutofnewnames · 24/01/2022 07:33

My DS is the same. I think lockdown has a lot to do with it. Before lockdown, he'd hang out with his mates in the park. They don't want to do that anymore, and have got into the habit of being at home.

Roselilly36 · 24/01/2022 07:33

Totally normal, things are so different from when we were younger aren’t they.

They don’t need to go out now to meet up with friends. I have two DS’ 20 & nearly 19. They are mainly in their rooms, gaming, chatting to friends etc. Only usually go out for a walk together, or to meet a someone they have met online for a date etc. We are only graced with their company at meal times 😂

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/01/2022 07:37

@LouLou198

Maybe they are all just struggling to adjust after being made to stay at home for the best part of 2 years? I know I am.
Made to stay home for 2 years?? They were made to stay home between March and May 2020 then they were allowed out in pairs then in 6s then in groups as big as they like. There was a small period when it went back to 2/6 (can't remember) but for teens who like to socialise they have been perfectly able to socialise. My DS is 13 and loves the PlayStation and his phone but also goes out every weekend to play football, skate park or hang about town. During the summer he's out all day. There are a few kids who don't go out and game all day but they are the minority as far as I can see.
thebear1 · 24/01/2022 07:39

Mine doesn't but he has a hobby that takes him out one day a week. He chats via xbox and WhatsApp. I didn't do much with friends as a teen until 6th form, then it was mostly underage drinking!

RedskyThisNight · 24/01/2022 07:39

How old? If younger teens, maybe they are not used to so much freedom.

If older, is it due to the cold weather? Since Covid, DS has got used to socialising outside, and the colder weather has massively reduced social occasions (they've not really swapped them inside). Plus he has a part time job and is studying for exams, so there actually isn't masses of socialising time.

DD's socialising is mostly going round town on Saturday, so I guess if that didn't interest her, she would be doing not much too.

AlexaShutUp · 24/01/2022 07:40

I agree, there have been plenty of opportunities to socialise for teenagers who like socialising. They haven't been made to stay at home for 2 years. My dd has followed the rules to the letter - even gone over and above at times - and there has been plenty of socialising.

The actual periods of lockdown were thankfully relatively short.

ThoseFestiveLights · 24/01/2022 07:41

I think it’s hard because there aren’t many places for teens to hang out - apart from coffee shops and they are expensive. Mine have been hauled out of shops by security guys which they have found very intimidating (apologised afterwards) and generally adults are pretty nasty to groups of teens hanging out. So I think it’s very difficult.

Kayjay2018 · 24/01/2022 07:41

@oldrosie my DS is almost 18 and is happy leaving the house just for school and work, maybe the odd trip into town with me. I too have been worried about the lack of socialising. My husband has pointed out that he is actually talking with his friends for hours every day, different friends at different times and days and just because his social habits are not in person doesn't make them less valid to him. It has meant that during covid and lockdowns he was less impacted than maybe friends who see each other face to face which I suppose has been a blessing. I would probably be more concerned if there was zero contact with other people when he had spare time and if other mums were not telling me their children are the same to some extent

Bettybantz · 24/01/2022 07:44

@CloseYourEyesAndSee you obviously don’t live in the North West. They have had a lot of restrictions on their freedom, and some have been wary of Covid after being told they are at risk.

My older teen is a skater so he has been out as much as he’s allowed (and I suspect more than) but younger DS is very much a stay home type. A lot of it is personality - DS1 extrovert, DS2 introvert, and a lot is down to choice of hobbies.

Beachbabe1 · 24/01/2022 07:44

My 15 yr old DS id the same. Im hoping that will change when he starts college! He says theres nowhere to go!

Ginandplatonic · 24/01/2022 07:46

I have four teen/early 20s boys. Three are like this - they all socialise with friends online, and very occasionally in person. They are happy with that. The other one is out all the time, particularly since he got his driving licence. I don’t think it’s to do with lockdowns, just a personality thing.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 24/01/2022 07:47

What age OP?

Mine did not socialise out that much until they were about 15/16

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 24/01/2022 07:52

Mine found it easier to connect using headsets and gaming together as a team. If you go to someone's house just one console, being at home, 4 to 6 of them playing tactical missions communicating strategy.

Also they play different games to each other but also talk over the headsets so they are still chatting away. They also did peer on peer homework support so I saw it all as very positive.

They saw each other every day at school anyway.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/01/2022 07:52

[quote Bettybantz]@CloseYourEyesAndSee you obviously don’t live in the North West. They have had a lot of restrictions on their freedom, and some have been wary of Covid after being told they are at risk.

My older teen is a skater so he has been out as much as he’s allowed (and I suspect more than) but younger DS is very much a stay home type. A lot of it is personality - DS1 extrovert, DS2 introvert, and a lot is down to choice of hobbies.[/quote]
There has never been a point since May 2020 where anywhere in the U.K. banned outdoor socialising with at least one other person.

Lolamento · 24/01/2022 07:53

@ThoseFestiveLights

I think it’s hard because there aren’t many places for teens to hang out - apart from coffee shops and they are expensive. Mine have been hauled out of shops by security guys which they have found very intimidating (apologised afterwards) and generally adults are pretty nasty to groups of teens hanging out. So I think it’s very difficult.
I have always wonder what teens do for leisure. There is nothing that is cheap and cheerful in London. The weather is dreadful and parks are full of nasty types now. I grew up in a warmer climate and going to the beach and hiking was usually what we did. Also, our parents did not mind friends around. Here the culture is very different but if I were a teen now there would be a lot of staying in and watching films and series with friends and cooking and eating together. We should underestimate the consequences of Covid. Hopefully we start to see th light again now and people get over the paranoia.
OnTheBenchOfDoom · 24/01/2022 07:53

I should say, in sixth form they would gather at someone's house every few months and play guitar and piano all singing. Group of girls and boys but mainly boys.