Teen doesn't go out and non of his friends want to go out either

[oldrosie]

My son and his friends rarely meet up or do anything out side of school.

Is this normal? What the hell is going on with our kids? They don't want to go out and socialise and be teenagers. I find it very very worrying that they don't want to interact and be out. I kind of force DS to message his mates and see if they want to go to town or hang out and none of them ever do. It's so so sad.Social media and games consoles are obviously to blame but we are human beings and we need to be around one another.

What is everyone elses thoughts?

Should not underestimate 🙄

I read a really interesting research paper recently that said teens are increasingly not indulging in ‘risky’ behaviour & are kind of missing out on key teenage experiences. Having ‘romantic encounters’ (a kiss, a moment, sex, whatever) is down from 76% of teens aged 14-17 in 2007 to 24% for the same age group in 2018 (figures from memory - may not be exact).

It’s tied to the launch of the smart phone apparently. They chat more online but do less IRL. So you’re teen isn’t alone in not really going out.

It’s a shame for them all though.

My 14 year old is the same - he and his friends spend hours playing Xbox online with each other or going to their organised sports activities - but actually organising to meet up with each other seems beyond them.
My elder 2 were the same though - but it seemed to improve once they'd got past the gaming phase, so I'm hopeful DC3 will be the same.

DS 16 is like this. But he is doing three tough A levels, works part time, plays football in a team and occasionally referees so is quite happy. Doesn't see the attraction in 'wandering round town'.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee they definitely did

September 2020 "Bolton has been placed under a strict localised lockdown after a "very significant" spike in coronavirus cases, the health secretary has announced. Hospitality venues are being restricted to take away only, Matt Hancock said, and late night restrictions have been placed on businesses meaning all must close from 10pm to 5am.

It has also been made illegal for people to socialise with anyone outside their household after the government turned previous advice into law

""Bolton is up to 120 cases per 100,000 of population, the highest case rate in the country and I'm publishing the data behind the decisions that we've taken."

My friend lives there. It was horrific for them really.

My DD’s circle of friends don’t go out much at all, they are 15/16. I find it odd, I used to go out shopping locally, use public transport to local towns, go swimming, go to the cinema, and cycle around the town, all on my own and with friends, and I really was not very social, quite introverted really. DDs friends meet up every 6 weeks or so and it seems to have to be a big ‘occasion’ and always at a parents house, being ferried around by their parents. I am quite happy for them to come round our house and often host, but why don’t they turn up after school unexpectedly and just come over in a low key way under their own steam? I do appreciate some things like swimming are not much fun because of the pandemic. I’m not trying to ‘force’ any socialising on DD but do suggest things sometimes but am always told ‘we don’t like going out’. As I said before I find it odd.

My 14 y o goes out a reasonable amount, my 12 y o prefers to be at home.
This is mostly personality but I am hoping DS2 will go out more as he gets older. He has been bored this weekend but refused to invite anyone over.

Mine dc’s were the same and I worried they were missing out on the socialising side of life. However, they chat a lot via social media, online games etc. Also, both belong to different sports clubs, so they weren’t at home all the time.

@trumpisagit

My 14 y o goes out a reasonable amount, my 12 y o prefers to be at home. This is mostly personality but I am hoping DS2 will go out more as he gets older. He has been bored this weekend but refused to invite anyone over.

We had a steady stream of other children in the house before the DC became teens. It does seem that having friends round to you house is not "cool" once you're that bit older.

But options for socialising elsewhere are limited. Mine, partly prompted by Covid, do a lot of "hanging out" in parks, but a lot of parents seem to think that being in a group of teenagers in a park is inherently "bad", and of course it is unsafe in some areas.

Plus, if you're outside of a big city public transport is not necessarily that great, and parents don't always want to be taxi services. My niece (who's 16) pretty much never does anything outside of school because the public transport anywhere is so limited, and her parents are reluctant to always be driving her.

I think online gaming is a social experience too. Ive been quite lucky with my teen, in the summer they go on bike rides with friends and they mess about at the river on paddle boards, and they go to town and eat crap. The winter in always harder as there isnt much to do that doesnt cost a lot or had the joy sucked out of it by covid. We live in a small market town which is fairly safe but has had some county lines issues.

@LouLou198

Maybe they are all just struggling to adjust after being made to stay at home for the best part of 2 years? I know I am.

Yep the last 2 years have been pretty harmful to children's development as they've been denied the developmental opportunities they need to grow and mature. It's been massive, please don't underestimate the impact of restrictions on all of us but particularly young people. Both my DC were allowed to socialise during the lockdowns as they were being harmed enough by being kept out of school. The majority of critical thinking, intelligent, common sense parents I know felt and did the same.

However there's no doubt we've become a bit institutionalised to being at home. I struggle to motivate DS 12 to make arrangements and be out and about, DD 15 goes out a fair bit though, cinema, shopping, meals, ice skating. She can easily walk or get public transport to all of these things as we live in a big city. I grew up in rural isolation and hated it hence living where we do. However DS is a home bird and likes his down time. I am too whereas DH and DD are far more sociable.

@Bettybantz you right, I live in the north west. In Tier 3 for what seemed like forever, we had some sort of restrictions all through the summer and then back to the national restrictions when things tightened up again in October 2020.

My 15 year old son rarely goes out, he's normally on his Xbox playing games with friends. I think this time of year no one wants to go out anyway, maybe a bit different once the weather gets warmer?

Both of mine (14 and 18) socialise a huge amount on line. DS2 obviously sees his friends at school but they usually meet up IRL on the weekend as well. DS1's friends are all over the place at Uni now but they do meet up when they can.

The reality is that the last 10 years have seen a seismic change in the way the world works. People's lives are lived more and more on-line and that's not going to go away. Is that good? Bad? Probably some of both.

Mine are out and about a lot, more so now after lockdown. They both do sports/hobbies which are outdoors & quite social though which helps.

I personally would be really worried if my DC were just staying in the house on screens all the time.

I also think the world is less hospitable generally to teenagers who just want to go out and hang around. I remember as a teen going into town with my friends and just hanging about but I just don't think that happens so much these days- there's an expectation that you have to be buying something or doing an activity and people are a bit suspicious of teens in groups. It's very sad, I think.

My teen doesn't want to go out during the week, but she communicates with friends over SM.
I think Covid has inhibited socialising and made in person social contact feel risky for some. Maybe this will change as our behaviours change with respect to Covid too. In the meantime, home for many, is a safe place.

Same. My son is 13.

He says 'where can we go' it is limiting at that age but it means he is at home a lot!!

This is such an important and interesting discussion. I think the reality is that let's say back in the 90s when I grew up.. if you were a bit introverted it was a lot more boring being at home. There weren't the options of constant TV and gaming entertainment..there wasn't the option of just staying in but still being fully entertained. Go back another generation and my parents were barely allowed to stay home

They were expected to be out of the house there wasn't room or willingness to have them hanging in their rooms. There wasn't heating for many !

We now have the possibility for those teena who are less socially adventurous etc of staying home and life being delivered through a screen.

Combine this with the massive loss of freedom seen from the age of 8 or 9. Previous generations played outdoors and went to parks much younger than children do now. Cars and screens very much influences this.

So children don't get the grounding in active independent play. They don't grow up with so much interest and understanding in how to play outdoors.

Then the pandemic did naturally delay a lot of development around this. Yes the hard lockdown was limited but it was very severe and children were severely discouraged from group activities. Youth clubs shut...many have never reopened.

Add in austerity and the loss of youth clubs and spaces where young people can meet safely without spending money

I think mumsnet3t should lead on a campaign for massive investment in youth spaces across the UK.

Mine are the same. I’m relieved to hear others are the same.

@LouLou198

Maybe they are all just struggling to adjust after being made to stay at home for the best part of 2 years? I know I am.

I agree I think that teenagers have lost confidence about going out and meeting up with friends.

Some adults are horrible to unaccompanied groups of teens covid has made this worse. One friend of Dds booked a table for her 13th birthday for 6 of them at Giraffe and when they turned up the restaurant wouldn’t allow them in! They are “nice” girls well behaved and used to eating out. Imagine doing that to any other group! Accusations of ageism would be rightfully made!

Mine tend to go to Wagamama’s and itsu teen friendly places with healthy not too expensive food

@MsTSwift

Some adults are horrible to unaccompanied groups of teens covid has made this worse. One friend of Dds booked a table for her 13th birthday for 6 of them at Giraffe and when they turned up the restaurant wouldn’t allow them in! They are “nice” girls well behaved and used to eating out. Imagine doing that to any other group! Accusations of ageism would be rightfully made!

This is awful. Unfortunately DD (15) and her friends have experienced similar discrimination just for existing! In shops and on public transport, random people having a go at them just for being in a group. When they're doing nothing wrong!

Pre-teen DD11 is like this, but she always been a home bird. She much prefers sleepovers or movie nights at home/friends houses to going anywhere. There's not much for them at that age anyway! When lockdown started she was 9 and still into Jumparooz and adventure play centres and playgrounds. By the time it ended properly she was in high school and she'd lost what was left of her primary years.

Having said that. My older ones were teens pre-covid and also struggled to fine places to go from about 12/13 as there's not much aimed at this age that doesn't cost a fortune (VR arcades, bowling, laser tag etc).