Teen doesn't go out and non of his friends want to go out either

[oldrosie]

My son and his friends rarely meet up or do anything out side of school.

Is this normal? What the hell is going on with our kids? They don't want to go out and socialise and be teenagers. I find it very very worrying that they don't want to interact and be out. I kind of force DS to message his mates and see if they want to go to town or hang out and none of them ever do. It's so so sad.Social media and games consoles are obviously to blame but we are human beings and we need to be around one another.

What is everyone elses thoughts?

How old is he ?

I think it is pretty normal for younger teens to hibernate for a few years.
They go through a stage when they are too old for their parents to arrange for them to go and 'play' at someone else's house, but they don't really have the skills and confidence to ask their mate to something or to arrange something.
they games they now play tend to be on-line, and they can still socialise with each other via them, without leaving the house.

I think it is great if you have encouraged them to keep involved with a sports team or Scouts or a drama group or any other hobby that gets them out with others their age but if they don't do that, there aren't many places to actually go that don't cost a fortune. Particularly whilst is is dark and freezing cold so going to the park for a kick around or a skateboard or some basketball or whatever they are in to isn't as appealing.

Mine are the same. They have everything they want at home and easy access to friends and are happy. They know if they want to go out they can.

I think it’s lockdown. Habits were formed and it’s as if they’ve forgotten what to do.

I don’t think it’s lockdown - I think it’s been going on since screens became as popular as they are. My eldest DC is 24 now, he definitely went through a phase from 13-15 years old of spending a lot of time on the Xbox and far less time going out to meet friends. That changed as he got older.

Same as SirChenjins mine were that age LONG before lockdown. It's just an age thing, combined to some extent with easy on-line connection. Though quite frankly we weren't meeting up with friends all the time outside of school long before the internet was invented.

I don't think it is lockdown either. Different forms of socialising/communicating now.

Teen DS is still involved with sports, Scouting and also has a part-time job at the weekend, so little time to meet up with mates, but does communicate with them whilst gaming etc

My 13yo ds has to be pushed to go out and his mates are all the same. If they do go to play football/beach/red they love it but generally cba

Maybe think about why they are not so keen to go out ?
People can be quite hostile towards teenage boys especially if they are in a group, they are made to feel unwelcome over the park by mums of younger kids and dog walkers and very few places where they can cycle safely without being regarded as a nuisance. No wonder they prefer to stay in their rooms.

Should have said he does do scouts and plays football for a team

Do you think there is a real gap in society in supporting kids between the ages of about 9/10 and 15/16 in using public spaces - and in winter - there aren't enough cheap/free youth club type spaces.

We as a society should really step this up - sadly due to austerity there are many towns without a single youth club> I read recently that around 500 have closed in recent years across the country.

This is such a loss - while kids might be warm and chatting to friends online at home they are not developing the independence / risk taking understanding that they would be actually out in the world - they need to be outside their comfort zone meeting other people, learning to empathise/ negotiate/ enjoy life!

Teenagers are designed to take risks - as their brain develops they should be trying out different situations in particular involving their peers.

Every town/ area should have spaces where kids feel safe to play/ be/ chat with mates - sadly in winter this is even harder.

I think there is some naivety here about the impact of lockdown - it was horrendous! There were many many months when kids couldn't meet in groups - please remember that the 1 person meets 1 person effectively criminalised anyone meeting under the age of about 12 who couldn't meet without parents or were less likely to do so.

then - the rules one plus one really does leave out most teen activity which would be nature really be in large groups - groups are what teens want and thrive on! They want to 'bump ' into people they know, flirt, show off, giggle -

I'm so glad to have found this thread. I've been so worried about my 16 year old. Has no interest in going out. It's good to hear he's not alone. I've started to worry it's a social anxiety issue but maybe it's a life one.

He Likes it at home with us but insists there's no problems and has a good group of friends.
Where we are in Leicester were in lockdown for pretty much march 2020- may 2021 with different tiers etc. there was no time to go anywhere without restrictions. I do think this has made a massive difference to them.

Our local Youth club has mostly sessions for over 13s. It makes me wonder what are 10/11/12 yr olds supposed to do after school in winter.

@dreamingofaholidaysoon so interesting the impact of the specific local lockdowns - I think people who weren't in them forget. I have friends who work in the play sector in Leicester - they ran adventure playgrounds and had to sit there with them locked up thinking of all the kids who usually came - many from very deprived backgrounds.

The truth is that lockdown was far more damaging to those children than the Covid risk.

Totally agree about negative attitudes towards groups of teens. Our local FB pages are full of people complaining about teens hanging out in the park - basically chatting or playing football - and asking why they can't go somewhere else. It's not really clear where the somewhere else is, or why teens get such vitriol when it's totally fine for groups of other age people to meet and do the same thing.

Another who is glad to have found this. DS is the same as many described here - he has a sport that sees him out and about a lot in summer but does nothing besides that. I was a very sociable teen; his dad the opposite, so I'm more worried about it than DP!

Like others I think this is an online /smartphone thing, but with a massive covid effect too, perhaps particularly important for those on their mid to late teens who would have otherwise been getting the hang of going out more over the last few years.

Someone upthread mentioned research on this. I've seen papers (pre-pandemic) about teens now being far less likely to go out than previous generations - and (perhaps as a consequence) less likely to engage in risky behaviours like smoking, drinking, drugs. On the plus side, they get on better with their parents! Will try to find a link.

My brother hardly left the house as a teenager in the 80s, but he was very into computing, so perhaps he was before his time.
I think all you can do is support and encourage them.
I still know some of my kids' friends' parents, so we do some secret organising.
I tell DS that X's mum said X would like to do something, X's mum tells X that DS wants to do something, and sometimes that gets them texting and arranging things.

I do feel sad that they aren't having the same teenager experience that I did, but also kind of glad. I was getting up to all sorts by 15!
DS15 goes out with his girlfriend, usually to her house but sometimes they go into a town and hang out/trawl charity shops/go to the cinema. Not often though. He is mostly in front of the PC.
DS14 goes out to Cadets twice a week and hangs out with his mates in the village most weekends. Yesterday they were out for 4 hours playing 'man hunt' and scabbing free cake from the village cafe!
DD12 goes out maybe once or twice a month, weather depending, to hang out in the park with a friend. She is very much a homebody and loves her room and her books and cats and crystals! She does chat online/facetime friends every day.

I do remember though my Mum telling me her brother lived in his room from age 14-17, only coming out for huge bowls of weetabix!

I agree with @waterrat and others calling for investment in youth clubs and places where teens can go.

Apparently in Iceland, every teen is given an annual budget (around £200) for clubs - football or dance or arts or music or whatever. It can only be spent on sessions in registered activities & lots of activities have sprung up to cater for this. So the teens get fun clubs and small businesses/ colleges get a new market and mental health in teens improved. Wins all around.

My DCs didn't go out much as teens (pre pandemic). They did sports, played Xbox etc but didn't have a big group of friends they wanted to hang about with. I used to worry about it a bit then, especially as other kids in their class did do lots of out and about kind of social things.

Now older, they are at uni & having a great social life.

All kids are different and depends on what they like and what's available where you live. As long as your DS is happy and not feeling left out or excluded then I wouldn't worry too much.

My dc 16 goes out on the weekends quite a bit. Walks their gf home from school and attends one club.

Dc 14 games online with friends, but rarely goes out. Went to mcdonalds a few weeks ago and does go out to skate by himself off and on throughout sunny afternoons.

Dc 12 has a little group she goes out with, they often stop at a particular store on the way home to chat to the animals and make tok tok videos. They also seem to go into town once a week or so. Does 2 after school clubs, plus matches in season.

Teens are all different in how they socialise. As long as they are happy let them crack on.

Def not the case here w DS. He’s an older teen but has always gone out and about w his mates, obv not in lockdowns though.
We live in London and they go into town, shopping, get food, walk about, go to each others’ houses (often ours!), bowling, skateboard, have a kickabout etc. It’s pretty much been the same since around age 13 when he gained independence (although I did ferry him around a lot more then), but now there’s more parties and drinking involved, and Ubers.
He was a big gamer, but I think doing so much of it in lockdowns was the death knell of that particular phase. Can’t say I’m sorry about that loss!!

Mine's like this too, has seen a friend outside school precisely once in the last six months. Doesn't game with people either, I can't tell if he has no friends or just no habit of hanging out together, it seems really sad to me.
As for covid, while it's true outdoor socialising wasn't banned for most of the time, all that period when toilets & cafes were closed was a real issue for going much distance from home!
Is this a boy thing? Have some teen boys always been like this? How will they ever get a life?

@BennysBingoBonanza

I also think the world is less hospitable generally to teenagers who just want to go out and hang around. I remember as a teen going into town with my friends and just hanging about but I just don't think that happens so much these days- there's an expectation that you have to be buying something or doing an activity and people are a bit suspicious of teens in groups. It's very sad, I think.

I agree with this. And there is always the risk that a photo will appear on Facebook of the “dodgy group of teens”.

I also agree with the people who have said that covid has affected things - and that the pps who have dismissed this are being quite thoughtless. My eldest had only just started secondary when covid first hit and hadn’t made any friends. So although theoretically he could go outside, he didn’t know anyone to do that

Mine do socialise in person quite a lot, but that's partly because we live within walking distance of lots of useful places - school, city centre, parks, sports clubs etc, so they can be independent quite easily.

DD (15) tends to meet up with friends in town at weekends. DS (12) often goes to the park with friends after school.

I have one day a week where we have a standing arrangement that they can bring friends round after school to stay for dinner with no/short notice, so they often take advantage of that.