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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 year old doesn't want to come on holiday over Christmas

115 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 18/12/2021 02:14

First thing, we aren't in the U.K.

We want to book a ski holiday over Christmas. We have had a shit year with bereavements and feel like getting away as a family would be a tonic. We have seen a week's break skiing is available.

Ds1 (16) says he doesn't want to go away because he won't be able to train with his weights for a week and won't be able to see his girlfriend of one month. She's going away for four days herself with her family.

If we went, he would be alone over Christmas. Because he refuses to come, dh, me and the other dcs can't have a holiday. We can only go over Christmas because of dh's work.

There is no one else he can stay with.

I don't want him to be alone for Christmas but at the same time, I feel like his reasons for staying are holding us to ransom.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 18/12/2021 02:41

Tricky one. I can see both positions here. I am not sure I would like a week away over Christmas thrown at me this close to the going away date but I can see you might enjoy it. Is there any family nearby he could stay with while you are away if he is adamant he is not coming?

Doyoumind · 18/12/2021 02:53

Just tell him it's non negotiable. He's being a selfish teenager and there's no good reason to go along with it. He'll regret being left behind surely? He just can't see the consequences or the impact on the family as a whole.

MintJulia · 18/12/2021 02:58

Can you find him a gym to work in while he's away?

And point out that his gf is going with her family, and he could look a little bit dull if he stays at home and has nothing new to tell her.

magicstars · 18/12/2021 03:04

I can understand him not wanting to be apart from his gf for a month. Can she come too?

magicstars · 18/12/2021 03:05

Oh just re read - they've been together a month & 4 days apart only. That's different.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 03:06

I wouldn’t go if my one of my kids didn’t want to, especially at Xmas. But he’s 16, you could just go and leave him at home. You might find that if you say you’re booking, he’ll change his mind and come with you.

SolasAnla · 18/12/2021 03:07

He is 16.

He can find something to do for a week even if it's staying in his room and complain to his girlfriend about what rotten parents he has that insist he goes on holidays.

Or if he is not likely to party your house to bits let him stay home. He only a few years off wanting to go off on his own for Christmas anyway. He may even earn pity points from the GF over being Home Alone!

Cascascascas · 18/12/2021 05:11

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Would you have to fly as travel at the moment is extremely stressful and difficult??

I am not sure it’s the year for that

Original poster

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 18/12/2021 05:54

We're not flying. We're driving.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 18/12/2021 05:57

I would feel shit leaving him alone for Christmas. But then it would also feel like what he says means the rest of the family has to do.

I know he's 16. He's already been on holiday with just his friends. Growing up etc and that we are dull for him but he loves skiing. Wants to learn to snowboard too so he could just crack on with that.....

OP posts:

Haus1234 · 18/12/2021 06:01

Can you bribe with snowboarding lessons? I do think it would be a bit shit to leave him on his own over Christmas with such little notice though.

Caspianberg · 18/12/2021 06:03

Bribery?

Could you compromise and say that he can come by after 4 days by train if he wants

Or that if they are still together in the summer, girlfriend can come with on summer break?

LemonViolet · 18/12/2021 06:12

Put it to him: is he really going to ruin his parents and younger siblings Christmas for his weights and his new girlfriend. Is he really that selfish?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. They can FaceTime every day. Make it a challenge to do bodyweight workouts or replicate exercises with resistance bands whilst he is away (they were very popular as travel workout kit when I was backpacking around the world). Learn to snowboard as you say.

Do a deal - he joins this trip, you all clear out the house one weekend in January and give him an overnight home alone with girlfriend when you get back. Because that’s what he’s really after isn’t it.

WaltzingBetty · 18/12/2021 06:27

Just tell him he's coming.

He'll enjoy it when he's there and doesn't get to ruin the opportunity for everyone else

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 09:04

Wants to learn to snowboard too so he could just crack on with that.....

Obviously not as much as he wants the other things.

How does he feel about you all going without him? If he’s happy and you really all want to go, just go. Get nice food in, he’ll probably love having the house to himself.

HollowTalk · 18/12/2021 09:11

So it's only another three days without seeing his new girlfriend? He sounds very needy actually.

kowari · 18/12/2021 09:15

Leave it up to him if he wants Christmas alone. You can't shield teenagers from every mistake or regret, at some point they do need to make their own decisions.

Aderyn21 · 18/12/2021 09:18

If he was mine I'd be telling him that he's going. It wouldn't be his choice - 16 is still a child and he needs to fit in with what suits the majority of the family sometimes.

MsTSwift · 18/12/2021 09:21

Do the “just tell him he’s coming” type posters have teens? You need a real adjustment from parenting younger children to teens.

Parenting smaller children is practically more difficult but parenting teens is way more psychologically hard - you can’t just boss them about anymore (sadly).

babbi · 18/12/2021 09:23

Don’t force him to go whatever you do .
He will just strop and sulk and ruin it for everyone which will lead to arguments .
Just leave him and get on with it .
You can’t make him want to go and make him enthusiastic- it’s just how it is .

You need to accept that he’s old enough now to stay home and not want to participate in all family things - these things are just part of him growing up .

I’ve left mine behind - disappointing sometimes for me as I had ideas about what fun some things would be .
But that was my opinion! Not the same as my youngsters !!

Enjoy Cmas whatever you do

Mybalconyiscracking · 18/12/2021 09:24

Doesn’t get the option at 16, he’ll probably ruin your holiday though!

pollygartertidywife · 18/12/2021 09:27

@MsTSwift

Do the “just tell him he’s coming” type posters have teens? You need a real adjustment from parenting younger children to teens.

Parenting smaller children is practically more difficult but parenting teens is way more psychologically hard - you can’t just boss them about anymore (sadly).

Yep.. I had 7 of them.. and absolutely no way would any of them of being holding the rest of the family to ransom for the sake of a 1 month relationship.

Although all went on independent breaks immediately after GCSEs .. (reading festival, Croatia festival etc) None would have been allowed to stay at home over Christmas on their own. They would have been told to stop being such selfish, self absorbed little shites and to get with the family plans.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 09:32

They would have been told to stop being such selfish, self absorbed little shites and to get with the family plans.

That doesn’t work too well in my experience of my own parents.

I prefer to listen to my children’s views and opinions about something and if I can accommodate them, I do. If a 16 year old is happy to be left at home alone, there’s no reason not leave him, if you’ve brought them up to be responsible.

Forced family fun once they get older isn’t the right way to go imo. I also wouldn’t have 7 kids though so we’re obviously quite different people. 😂

GreenWhiteViolet · 18/12/2021 09:32

I'd let him stay at home by himself and enjoy your holiday.

Lots of teenagers don't enjoy family Christmas nearly as much as young children do, and being at home alone when you've chosen to be certainly isn't going to be any worse than being forced to go somewhere you don't want to.

I wouldn't feel bad about it. He'll probably be happy at home - and if he isn't, he'll have some insight into himself that he didn't have before, and that's valuable. Unless there's a very good reason he can't be left (like a history of being very irresponsible when left alone), I don't see anything wrong with it.

Aderyn21 · 18/12/2021 09:34

@MsTSwift

Do the “just tell him he’s coming” type posters have teens? You need a real adjustment from parenting younger children to teens.

Parenting smaller children is practically more difficult but parenting teens is way more psychologically hard - you can’t just boss them about anymore (sadly).

I've had 4 of them. If you don't take control of the things that parents really do need to be in charge of, then your kids will rule the roost!

He's being told to go in a holiday for a week, not being locked in a basement. Clearly he's not mature enough to be left at home alone - the OP will be worrying about him and this will ruin her break.

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