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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old doesn't want to come on holiday over Christmas

115 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 18/12/2021 02:14

First thing, we aren't in the U.K.

We want to book a ski holiday over Christmas. We have had a shit year with bereavements and feel like getting away as a family would be a tonic. We have seen a week's break skiing is available.

Ds1 (16) says he doesn't want to go away because he won't be able to train with his weights for a week and won't be able to see his girlfriend of one month. She's going away for four days herself with her family.

If we went, he would be alone over Christmas. Because he refuses to come, dh, me and the other dcs can't have a holiday. We can only go over Christmas because of dh's work.

There is no one else he can stay with.

I don't want him to be alone for Christmas but at the same time, I feel like his reasons for staying are holding us to ransom.

OP posts:
HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 12:43

he'll have fun when he gets there and shouldn't miss out on one of the last opportunities before adult life gets in the way - certainly not because he can't do his weights!

That’s very dismissive of the child. YOU think he’ll have fun and YOU don’t think his weight training is important.

And there are other people to consider - the rest of the family will be worried about him and sad and if he hasn't got the maturity to consider that, then he's definitely too young to be left alone.

In our family, we’d be happy if everyone was happy doing what they wanted to do. I wouldn’t worry about a responsible 16 year staying at home if they were happy to do so. My kids don’t have to do things that would make me happy at the expense of their own happiness.

sydenhamhiller · 18/12/2021 12:57

I have dc 18, 16, 9.

We have had this issue: we went away for 10 days in the summer - tour of unis, week in cottage.

Ds (then 17) was not keen. We listened to his side and then calmly said: you’ll be gone soon. Once you are at university, you will have your own schedule. And this is a chance for your younger sibling to have another memory with you (he worries she’ll forget him when he leaves home, bless him). How about you head home on the train a couple days early - which he did, and had a party. It was a good compromise- and 2 days not a week.

We have the same issue this Xmas. My mum has terminal cancer so for first time in years we are heading to other end of country to them, rather than them coming to us. Teens are not keen: but understand why.

As others have said, each to their own. And it really is, each family has their own dynamics. DH is youngest of 3, and his oldest sibling had a serious boyfriend (now her ex DH) from age 13. She did not come on holiday with them from that age, not wanting to be parted from him, so he doesn’t have so many shared memories and experiences. I thought he only had an older brother for ages!

So I know this has coloured his view on this topic: he just says ‘absence will make the heart grow fonder’ in an annoying dad type fashion.

So, we don’t ‘lay down the law’ as some have termed it, but have just made clear what expectations are… (and grit teeth through the ensuing , usually short lived, drama).

Good luck, OP, with whatever you decide for your family. I would not change your plans, whatever happens with DS. But if you leave him at home, I would let his girlfriend’s mum know…Wink

steppemum · 18/12/2021 13:17

well, ds and dd didn;'t come with us on our summer holiday this year.
aged 18 and 16.

we were all happy with that and they were happy to be able to stay home and earn lots of money, I trusted them, and left a freezer full of instant food if they needed it.

But Christmas is slightly different. And I do think that if his gf was around on Christmas day then I'd be tempted to leave him to it. But I think at 16, he will get to Christmas morning, on his own and be bloody miserable.
So, I would be saying, yes you are coming, if you want to fund your own way home on 27th fine, if your gf wants to get herself there on 27th to join us, fine.
Then use the line about what a loser he will look to her to be on his own on Christmas day and dangle the snowboarding.

thisplaceisweird · 18/12/2021 13:21

Can you sit him down and tell him how much you want him there, how much a family holiday would mean to you? Really put your emotions on the table so he understands why you're upset. Then make it clear that it's his choice.

So many times I would stay home like this as a teen, only years later I realised how much it upset my mum and that she really wanted me there. I probably wouldn't have done it.

Aderyn21 · 18/12/2021 13:35

Give over Hanging. He's being taken on holiday. I really doubt it's going to be "at the expense of his happiness". Dramatic much!

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 14:02

Give over Hanging. He's being taken on holiday. I really doubt it's going to be "at the expense of his happiness". Dramatic much!

But he doesn’t want to go. A holiday that you don’t want to go on won’t be fun just because the other people will find it fun.

You give over being being dramatic saying the rest of the family would spend the holiday worrying about him and feeling sad. Presuming he’s a responsible, capable 16 year old who is doing what he wanted to do, why would the family worry or feel sad. You may miss him and wish he was with you but to feel sad when your child is happy, you need to cut the apron strings. And to worry? what’s to worry about if he’s responsible.

MsTSwift · 18/12/2021 15:01

I agree with Hanging. I don’t think the three line whip is necessarily right for an independent 16 year old. He doesn’t want to go. All very well saying “he is a child” google Gillick competence the courts don’t agree. Also would be a Pyrrhic victory if you have a sulky 16 year old flopping round the place.

MissyB1 · 18/12/2021 15:27

He could sulk and drama Queen all ge liked it wouldn’t ruin my Christmas holiday! I would totally ignore it and have fun with the other dcs.
Seriously though it all comes down to how trustworthy this particular 16 year old is, some are mature and sensible, some would burn the house down!
The other point is it’s never a good idea to come across as needy and unable to cope without a girlfriend or boyfriend for a few days. I would point that out to him. She’s going on her holiday, she might think him a bit wet if he gives up a great holiday because he can’t cope without her.

Svara · 18/12/2021 15:31

He could sulk and drama Queen all ge liked it wouldn’t ruin my Christmas holiday! I would totally ignore it and have fun with the other dcs.
What a nasty attitude. Would you like to be dragged on a holiday when what you'd really like was chill out time at home?

Aderyn21 · 18/12/2021 15:33

Gillick competence isn't about getting to decide whether you go on holiday!
At 16 we don't always have perspective or make the best choices for ourselves. He's likely thinking about his girlfriend and being alone in the house with her - the adults in his life aren't obligated to support everything a 16 year old wants, if they consider his wants not to be in his best interests or those of the family over all.

Akire · 18/12/2021 15:35

Part of being a teen is going away on holiday being miserable it’s character building. How many of us loved family holidays at that age? It’s hardly sending them down mines. I can’t think anyone in real life put up with trusting a 16t old boy at home along over Xmas. Never going happen

MissyB1 · 18/12/2021 15:35

@Svara

He could sulk and drama Queen all ge liked it wouldn’t ruin my Christmas holiday! I would totally ignore it and have fun with the other dcs. What a nasty attitude. Would you like to be dragged on a holiday when what you'd really like was chill out time at home?
Dragged on a lovely expensive holiday Grin yes actually I would love it! Hoping it happens soon 🤞
Svara · 18/12/2021 15:38

Dragged on a lovely expensive holidayyes actually I would love it! Hoping it happens soon
Well then you wouldn't be dragged would you? Obviously I meant a holiday you didn't want to go on.

Serenschintte · 18/12/2021 15:39

Is he financially independent? Has a job, earns money and pays rent? If yes he can stay behind. If not he come along. He can learn to snowboard. Part of being an adult is somethings doing things that you don’t want to do but are not morally wrong.
End of

Allthepickles · 18/12/2021 15:40

I have an almost 16 year old, he would be told he’s going or he better find somewhere to stay before we lock up… you know there isn’t anywhere. 16 is still young it’s non negotiable for me.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 15:41

Dragged on a lovely expensive holiday grin yes actually I would love it! Hoping it happens soon

But that because you’d want to go. He doesn’t.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 15:47

I can’t think anyone in real life put up with trusting a 16t old boy at home along over Xmas. Never going happen

Is it really common for 16 year olds to be completely irresponsible and incapable? My son and my nieces and nephews have all been able to be left for a week or two at that age. Some of them have continued to do their part time job. My son has looked after pets, put the bins out, paid the window cleaner, studied etc. They’re 16, not 6.

MissyB1 · 18/12/2021 16:04

@HangingOutWithTheSandman

Dragged on a lovely expensive holiday grin yes actually I would love it! Hoping it happens soon

But that because you’d want to go. He doesn’t.

It’s pretty easy to predict this lad will enjoy learning to snowboard which he himself has said he wants to do. Once he’s on that holiday odds are he’s going to enjoy himself. He’s letting his feelings for a very new relationship get in the way. Teenagers aren’t adults, they still need guidance from their parents. It’s perhaps important to teach him now that you don’t drop everything for a new partner.
MissyB1 · 18/12/2021 16:06

Mumsnet is often weird about kids once they beyond primary school age. It’s as if they should have already be moved out, got their own place and not be in the least bit reliant on their parents.

KatherineJaneway · 18/12/2021 16:12

Depends on what he is like. OP will know if he is the kind to say he doesn't want to go but then call on Christmas Day whinging down the phone about being alone. Also if he is 'ordered' to go, he could make the holiday a misery for everyone else with his moods.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 16:25

Mumsnet is often weird about kids once they beyond primary school age. It’s as if they should have already be moved out, got their own place and not be in the least bit reliant on their parents.

I agree that mumsnet can be strange in that way. But that’s more pushing kids into doing things they don’t want to do very early like doing their own washing from age 10, cleaning toilets at 8 and paying rent from a part time wage. This is about an older teen wanting to do something and not being allowed.

I will be very happy if my kids are still living with us well into their 20’s and beyond if they choose to. I hope they go to local universities so they can live home and then stay after they get a job to save as much as they can.
I still mostly do my teens washing and ironing but they’re perfectly capable if they need to. They are still very much looked after by us but by 16 my son was independent enough to survive by himself. My daughter is a bit younger and I obviously wouldn’t leave her home alone for longer than a few hours but I have no doubt she would be perfectly capable now, never mind by the time she’s 16.

BungleandGeorge · 18/12/2021 16:42

@HangingOutWithTheSandman

I can’t think anyone in real life put up with trusting a 16t old boy at home along over Xmas. Never going happen

Is it really common for 16 year olds to be completely irresponsible and incapable? My son and my nieces and nephews have all been able to be left for a week or two at that age. Some of them have continued to do their part time job. My son has looked after pets, put the bins out, paid the window cleaner, studied etc. They’re 16, not 6.

It’s very well known that brains take until the mid 20s to fully develop. The last part to mature is the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is the decision-making part of the brain, involved with thinking about the consequences of actions, solving problems and controlling impulses. Teenage brains are impulsive and enjoy high risk activities. Not only does it say it in the text books I think most of us know it’s true from our experience of growing up and from the teenagers around us.
Svara · 18/12/2021 16:43

Mumsnet is often weird about kids once they beyond primary school age. It’s as if they should have already be moved out, got their own place and not be in the least bit reliant on their parents.
16 or 17 is a very normal time to transition to adulthood, for teenagers to make their own decisions with the safety net of family to fall back on. In previous generations it was normal to be living out of home at this age or younger. I would never have been required to go on a family holiday at 16, nor would my parents have been.

BungleandGeorge · 18/12/2021 16:48

I was certainly required to go on holiday as a teen. Tbh I grew out of the whole stroppy demanding to be at home by 17 and was quite happy to have a free holiday after that. I’m not sure it’s necessarily a mark of maturity

Svara · 18/12/2021 16:51

I never had a 'stroppy demanding to be at home' stage at all. It was simply up to me by the time I started to prefer time home alone.