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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old doesn't want to come on holiday over Christmas

115 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 18/12/2021 02:14

First thing, we aren't in the U.K.

We want to book a ski holiday over Christmas. We have had a shit year with bereavements and feel like getting away as a family would be a tonic. We have seen a week's break skiing is available.

Ds1 (16) says he doesn't want to go away because he won't be able to train with his weights for a week and won't be able to see his girlfriend of one month. She's going away for four days herself with her family.

If we went, he would be alone over Christmas. Because he refuses to come, dh, me and the other dcs can't have a holiday. We can only go over Christmas because of dh's work.

There is no one else he can stay with.

I don't want him to be alone for Christmas but at the same time, I feel like his reasons for staying are holding us to ransom.

OP posts:
HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 09:39

I've had 4 of them. If you don't take control of the things that parents really do need to be in charge of, then your kids will rule the roost!

Take control...Hmm I have an 18 year old and another teen. They don’t rule the roost, but do get listened to. They’re lovely kids. And they choose to be in our company because they get choices. It sounds like it’s you that is ‘ruling the roost’.

MrsWooster · 18/12/2021 09:39

No way would I leave a 16 year old for a week alone over Christmas and no way would he be holding in the family to ransom.
“Get in the car, sulk all you like, your Christmas present is a course of snowboard lessons and you can just bloody get on with it. Ps your gf will think you’re a loser and a weirdo if you can’t be separated for a week. Love from mum.”

LovelyLupins · 18/12/2021 09:43

He’s thinking with his dick. Literally.
Tell him he’s going on holiday this time, but in future he can, with forward planning, stay home. Find a hotel or chalet with weights facilities, and tell him that IF he doesn’t act like a miseable selfish brat you may book him snowboarding lessons.

TheShadoutCrepes · 18/12/2021 09:51

Tricky one.
I think if you force him he may sabotage your holiday with sullenness and complaints.

If you’ve not already done so I’d start with the chat that you understand why he doesn’t want to go but ask him to try to understand why you do, and how you will feel knowing he has chosen to stay behind.
Try to provide some solutions to the weights issue (access to a gym) and tempt him with some snowboarding lessons.
The. I think you’ll just have to leave the decision to him but with open door options for him to change his mind, come later or leave earlier without losing face.

NoNameHere12 · 18/12/2021 09:54

Being home alone at 16 is the best!! He is probably happy too!

Especially if one of those nights his girlfriend can secretly come over. Of course a 16 year old would happily give up a family holiday for the chance to spend a whole night with their girlfriend alone.

If his happy to stay, let him.

TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet · 18/12/2021 09:56

Personally I think 16 is a bit young to be left alone for a week. 1 or 2 nights would be OK but a week, and at Christmas, I wouldn’t. I think holidays are really tough decisions when your DC are this age. I would try a long talk to see if he can be brought around. If you do take him, hopefully he won’t spoil it for the rest of you. Is there something he wants to do that you could commit to , as a sweetener for him coming with you? I’ve got my DS tickets for events he wants to go to in this type of situation in the past and it worked, though not perfectly.

I didn’t feel happy leaving my teens until they were 18 tbh (& then I worried about 1 of them having parties and trashing the house, perhaps a topic for another thread). Perhaps I’m overprotective but in my view, better that way than the opposite.

NoNameHere12 · 18/12/2021 09:57

Just seen your going away for the week and the girlfriend is only going away for four- that’s an opportunity for 3 nights together!!

You never stood a chance op! Grin

SirChenjins · 18/12/2021 09:57

No, don’t tell him that if he doesn’t act like a miserable brat etc. You’ll achieve precisely nothing and make yourself look like a twat in the process.

It all depends on his personality and you know him better than anyone on here, obviously, OP. At 16, my eldest was very mature for his age, extremely independent and knew his own mind (still is/does as an adult - no idea where he’s come from, he’s nothing like DH or I) - forcing him to go on holiday when he absolutely didn’t want to would have achieved precisely nothing. The other two were/are more adaptable/reasonable/bribeable. If he’s the latter then I’d go with getting him a gym pass and snowboarding lessons and tell him he’s coming. If the former then let him stay at home and enjoy your stress-free Christmas.

IgneousRock · 18/12/2021 10:02

I would make him come. And yes I have teens (14yo and 16yo).

Aderyn21 · 18/12/2021 10:03

HangingOut I listen to my kids, I take their opinions into consideration, but ultimately I decide what happens because they're teenagers, not fully fledged adults.
And while they live in my house, then too right I rule the roost - they can rule their own when they move out Smile

3luckystars · 18/12/2021 10:03

Bribe him.

Everyone has a price.

Good luck.

HidingFromDD · 18/12/2021 10:22

Would be non negotiable for me. Yes I would listen and take his views into account and I’d also explain that once he gets to 18 then attendance on family holidays is his choice but in this case he’s coming. Then see how you can work it so it works for him. If you’re driving can you take weights with you? There’s an SMM programme online (Tom Morrison) which would be really good for him to start now if he’s serious about training (all about ensuring body is balanced and used by a lot of weight lifters and cross fitters) and he could do that anywhere. And with the gf a weeks absence would be good, they’ll appreciate each other more when they get back together (and whinge about how awful their parents are 😂)

and yes, I’ve gone through the teenage years twice with mine and come out the other end

Oblomov21 · 18/12/2021 10:24

I'd make him come for all the reasons listed, I'd listen and talk to him, but it'd be a definite no.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 10:26

I listen to my kids, I take their opinions into consideration, but ultimately I decide what happens because they're teenagers, not fully fledged adults.

But at 16, if they’re responsible and happy to stay home alone, there’s no reason to not let them.

And while they live in my house, then too right I rule the roost - they can rule their own when they move out

I’ve never wanted or needed to rule over my teens. They respect us and are sensible. If they want to do things and it’s possible and safe, we let them. No need for rules for the sake of rules in our house.

AppleKatie · 18/12/2021 10:29

There are reasons not to let him-

  1. Not wanting to give him a free house with his v new girlfriend for 3 nights in a row.
  1. Not wanting to leave him alone at Christmas.

3 wanting him to be a part of the family r&r.

I would talk to him like an adult OP, listen to his concerns but tell him that on this occasion he is coming on holiday. Bribe him with snowboarding/gym facilities by all means but don’t leave a 16yo on his own at Christmas.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 10:34

There are reasons not to let him-

1. Not wanting to give him a free house with his v new girlfriend for 3 nights in a row.

This wouldn’t be an issue for me. My son was very sensible at 16 and I would trust him with our house and with a girlfriend.

2. Not wanting to leave him alone at Christmas.

I wouldn’t want to leave him, I love us all being together, but I would accept his choice.

3 wanting him to be a part of the family r&r.

Again, I would want him to but I would accept if he didn’t at age 16.

Aderyn21 · 18/12/2021 12:08

I never said I have rules for the sake of rules. Growing up mine had freedom and boundaries. But I'm the adult and the parent and ultimately I'm responsible for the safety and well-being of my children. And at 16 they are still children.
And clearly my dc didn't think they'd grown up with some evil overlord because the little buggers are still here/keep coming back Grin

Akire · 18/12/2021 12:14

Tell him he’s coming I’m sorry but I would t trust a 16y old at home for week at Xmas. Had party written all over it, a night maybe but a week is a long time in empty house.

Does he imagine someone’s going come round and do all cooking and cleaning or will he be looking around clean dishes xmas day so he can have clean plate for toast?

99% sure he will regret if stays at home bored to death.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 12:14

I never said I have rules for the sake of rules.

I think not letting a 16 year old stay home alone, making them to go on holiday, when they are happy to stay home and are responsible, is rules for the sake of rules.

Each to their own.

GrandmasCat · 18/12/2021 12:18

At 16, DS never had the option to veto our holidays or stay behind, much less so for a Christmas holiday, you will be worrying about him all the time!

If he had been with the girlfriend for years I would be reluctantly considering the possibility of leaving him with GF’s family if he was invited but after a month??? I think even the GF would find that too much too soon.

aSofaNearYou · 18/12/2021 12:23

I never would have been allowed to choose at that age, just tell him it's non negotiable. He'll be fine.

aSofaNearYou · 18/12/2021 12:31

@MsTSwift

Do the “just tell him he’s coming” type posters have teens? You need a real adjustment from parenting younger children to teens.

Parenting smaller children is practically more difficult but parenting teens is way more psychologically hard - you can’t just boss them about anymore (sadly).

Conversely, I always think the "do you have teens, you can't tell them what to do" type posters just don't realise not all teens are like that. My parents would have had absolutely no trouble "bossing me around" in this context, I would not have presumed to have the deciding vote on whether the whole family would go on holiday.
Aderyn21 · 18/12/2021 12:33

Each to their own. Indeed.

He's got years ahead to be alone at Christmas and skip family holidays - he'll have fun when he gets there and shouldn't miss out on one of the last opportunities before adult life gets in the way - certainly not because he can't do his weights!
And there are other people to consider - the rest of the family will be worried about him and sad and if he hasn't got the maturity to consider that, then he's definitely too young to be left alone.

BungleandGeorge · 18/12/2021 12:36

I think the compromise is that you find a hotel with a gym or arrange a temporary gym membership/ something else he would like to do. At 16 you don’t get to dictate that you’ll be staying home alone for a week. There’s a lot of maturing done between age 16 and 18.

Elieza · 18/12/2021 12:43

He should really go with you. It’s not all about him. It’s a family thing.

I note the gf isn’t stamping her feet and refusing to go on HER family holiday so she can see him!!!

We know exactly what will be happening in the four days the two are together. I hope he has enough condoms and knows how to use them properly. Though I wonder what her mum would say if she thought her daughter would be going round to his ‘empty’ with no parents there? She may not even be allowed!

Snowboarding lessons are ideal - I’d remind him that he can get really good without her watching him fall etc, and appear back as a cool capable guy 😎

Defo look into gym membership for him while he is there. Hopefully it will be covered by a spa pass or whatever so you can all swim or sauna etc. Does seem a shame to spend a fortune on one person if others don’t get as much.