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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 year old doesn't want to come on holiday over Christmas

115 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 18/12/2021 02:14

First thing, we aren't in the U.K.

We want to book a ski holiday over Christmas. We have had a shit year with bereavements and feel like getting away as a family would be a tonic. We have seen a week's break skiing is available.

Ds1 (16) says he doesn't want to go away because he won't be able to train with his weights for a week and won't be able to see his girlfriend of one month. She's going away for four days herself with her family.

If we went, he would be alone over Christmas. Because he refuses to come, dh, me and the other dcs can't have a holiday. We can only go over Christmas because of dh's work.

There is no one else he can stay with.

I don't want him to be alone for Christmas but at the same time, I feel like his reasons for staying are holding us to ransom.

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 20/12/2021 09:01

No it doesn’t. Not sure the argument “you disagree with me so that proves you must be immature” makes much sense and yes is totally patronising

aSofaNearYou · 20/12/2021 09:14

@MsTSwift

No it doesn’t. Not sure the argument “you disagree with me so that proves you must be immature” makes much sense and yes is totally patronising

🙄 others have said exactly the same as me, you and a few others are very overconfident in your opinion being fact. Are you able to let other people have different opinions to you? Personally I think saying "you big meany, he's basically a mature adult but he doesn't want to go on this nice trip, how could you be so cruel" makes no sense, but you don't see me trying to completely shut down all the (imo, very wrong) people on this thread saying that.

It's not about him disagreeing with me. It's the fact that objectively it doesn't demonstrate very much maturity. I don't think that's a particularly unusual concept.

Being a mature person includes thinking of others and sometimes doing things you don't actively want to for their sake, and having the perspective to look at a situation and recognise that it isn't all that bad. FFS that's what the world of work is based upon. Not being able to cope without his weights and new GF, not having any consideration for the rest of the family, and most of all, lacking the perspective to look at a few days skiing and not think about how mean his parents are to make him do something he "doesn't want to" is not mature.

I don't need to justify that to people that think that point is so far fetched it makes zero sense, because it very obviously does.

SirChenjins · 20/12/2021 09:38

In your opinion - which, strangely enough, isn’t the only valid one on this thread. I mean that in a non-ironic, non-patronising way, of course.

aSofaNearYou · 20/12/2021 09:42

@SirChenjins

In your opinion - which, strangely enough, isn’t the only valid one on this thread. I mean that in a non-ironic, non-patronising way, of course.

Eeerm, yes? I didn't say it was the only valid one on this thread. You were the one coming in with the tone that yours was.

SirChenjins · 20/12/2021 09:45

Again, in your opinion. I disagree - obviously.

UserBot · 20/12/2021 09:46

@Aderyn21

But he's a child. Living in your house, that you are financially responsible for. How can you be okay with letting him make adult choices, when at this point he isn't an adult and has no adult responsibility? I wouldn't make my dc learn Italian or do a gcse that they had no interest in and where there aren't potential negative consequences, then yes I let my kids make their own choices. But if I felt something wasn't right for them or if I had concerns I wouldn't allow their preferences to overrule mine. I think it's mad that parents would allow this.

You say parents, plural.

I'm a single parent, and there came an age when it was apparent that I couldn't control my son. I now avoid doing things that don't highlight this and remind him of this. Although my daughter isn't on board with this and she sometimes does things that just highlight to him that I've no control over him.

He's not out robbing or joyriding or taking drugs or staying out late. He spends most of his time in his bedroom, but I cannot make a boy who is now 10 inches taller than I am do anything.

I just have to hope that his own values are ok.

It may shock mothers who have a father / husband standing their in the background to back them up and make their son think twice about going ''head to head'' on some issue.

Oh well, it's not something that most mothers in a couple are going to be able to understand.

They believe that it's their excellent parenting and their well-brought up son showing them respect but there's a bit of biology going on here.

A 16 year old boy who is a foot taller than his mother doesn't have to do what she says. Hopefully he does when it matters.

UserBot · 20/12/2021 09:48

I know the OP mentioned a DH though, but just making the point that it's not necessarily excellent parenting that keeps a 16 year old in line.

It's two against one, one of them being a man.

aSofaNearYou · 20/12/2021 09:49

@SirChenjins

Again, in your opinion. I disagree - obviously.

Fine?

I'll be sure to tell you yours don't make any sense and you need to find better ones whenever I see your opinions and don't agree with them.

SirChenjins · 20/12/2021 09:49

Indeed.

amiafreakofnature · 20/12/2021 10:10

Nobody should be going away at the minute whilst omicron is running rampant anyway.

Aderyn21 · 20/12/2021 11:00

UserBot, I'm sorry that things are difficult with your son.

I do completely agree that some teenagers are more easy to manage than others. How things go, I believe is a combination of parenting and personality. I don't for a minute believe that it is solely my parenting that has resulted in my dc growing up okay - I know that their own generally chilled, amenable personalities helped.
That said, I had 3 boys and a husband who wasn't always here, so I had to make sure that my children respected my word and my parental authority. I wasn't one of those mothers who relied on my husband to back me up and enforce good behaviour - it was really important that they respected me and not out of fear of consequence from their dad.

SirChenjins · 20/12/2021 12:29

It absolutely is a combination of personality and parenting - I agree with you there - with some teenagers being far easier to parent than others. My eldest (whom I described upthread) was, and is, a very determined, very capable, very independent person who knew his own mind even as a young child - once he sets his mind on something it’s an absolute battle to get him to deviate from that. That focus is standing him in good stead as an adult working for a large corporate organisation.l, but he does need to work on his softer skills. The younger two are far more laid back and can be reasoned with more easily - it’s not simply a maturity thing, because if anything DC1 has always been more mature for his years than his younger sister and brother.

Elieza · 20/12/2021 16:40

The French borders shut now isn’t it?

Original poster

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 20/12/2021 17:11

I already said we don't live in the UK. Not going to France.

OP posts:

Elieza · 20/12/2021 17:15

Apologies. The thread is five pages long and I forgot.

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