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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Horrible row

91 replies

Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 19:53

Our 13 year old is extremely self absorbed and selfish. Her Dad will do anything for her and from day one the World revolved around her. I slotted into doing the same. I know our marriage suffered because of this. She didn't like us cuddling or showing any affection to each other when she was a toddler. We slowly stopped due to this and rarely show affection anymore. We haven't had sex in years. I'm lonely as she wants to do these activities 4 evenings a week which he drives her to and one day in the weekend. He is gone for the whole time during her activities as they are too far away to come home and go back. We have had marriage counselling which improved our relationship but there was such an argument tonight which blew way out of proportion. Our arguments are mainly due to her and this evenings sounds so trivial. She had no homework and I thought in order for my husband and myself to spend time together we could go for a walk. I told her to prepare dinner and she made a big deal of it and was cross about it. I ended up doing the dinner because I was so mad at her. My husband told me I should have persisted with her doing the dinner but she was being really difficult. It ended up with us having a massive argument and no walk. She is now gone off to her activity with him gone too. I am now alone in the house crying as I feel she is getting worse. I know it is our fault she is the way she is because everything we do is for her. How do we make her more considerate. I sometimes just want to pack my bags and leave. I honestly know I could be in a lot worse situation but I just want her to realise how much we sacrifice for her. Am I being unrealistic and are my expectations too high? I also told her she couldn't go to the cinema with her friend the weekend and my husband thought it was too harsh a punishment.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2021 20:03

Unless you and your husband can agree with how you deal with your daughter, I'm afraid not much will change. I'm with him that you should have let her get on with making dinner. You asked her to, so she should have been expected to follow through. It does sound as though she is quite spoilt. Allowing her to stop you and your husband from being affectionate when she was a toddler set a very bad precedent.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2021 20:09

There's a lot of issues to work through, obviously. Is there a reason you don't accompany your daughter and husband to her activities? Do you ever? I'm thinking there might be some jealously/resentment on your part regarding the relationship between your husband and daughter. It appears she gets all of his attention and there's nothing for you. Your marriage is very lonely.

samwitwicky · 05/10/2021 20:16

Do you have other kids?

If not, would it be possible for both you and DH to accompany her to activities, and while she's there you could have some time together to grab a coffee / quick walk etc?

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 20:18

Aquamarine1029
I go to all her matches and competitions but I don't go to the training. I do feel lonely. Maybe I do resent her a little. I often told him that when she is gone to university he is going to be left with me.

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Bagelsandbrie · 05/10/2021 20:21

How has it got this bad?! It sounds like you hate her! I can’t work out whether you’ve stepped back because your dh has become a bit of a helicopter parent or whether there’s some deep seated almost post natal depression type lack of bonding going on? It sounds like this has been going on for years and years.

Griefmonster · 05/10/2021 20:23

I had assumed from the tone of your post that your DD was a step child but now I'm not sure? Are you her mum? The dynamics you are presenting are your husband and daughter on one side and you on the other.

Wherever that has started, you need to reset together. You have 3 levels of relationship to reset - you and your DD, you and your DH and the 3 of you as a family unit.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 20:24

Bagelsandbrie
Gosh I really don't hate her and it makes me sad if what I said comes across that way.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 05/10/2021 20:25

The failings in your marriage are not your daughters fault.

Do you have other children?

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 20:26

Griefmonster
She is my daughter.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/10/2021 20:28

You can't undo 13 years of pandering to her overnight. Particularly since there's only you who seems to want to get back a marital relationship.
Your husband is the issue here. Does he actually want to be married to you or is he using pandering to your daughter as an excuse to withdraw?

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 20:28

FATEdestiny
I did say in my post that it was our fault. Please don't make this an only child thing because no we don't have other children.

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Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 20:31

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves
I have asked him numerous times if he wants to stay with me. We went to marriage counselling and it seemed to help but I do sometimes feel going to activities so often is a way to not have to spend time with me.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 05/10/2021 20:34

It's not about being an only child, that's not why I asked.

If you don't have other children to look after, you could go with your DD and DH, you and DH spend time together while she trains.

I've just counted up the evening sports clubs we take our kids to - a minimum of 17 activities per week (we have 4 children). That you feel lonely not being with your DH/DD for 4 sessions a week says more about you than it does them. Could you busy yourself if you don't go with them? Get a hubby for yourself?

FATEdestiny · 05/10/2021 20:36

Also - I don't agree with punishing a teen by denying them access to organised sport. This is the age when many kids start dropping out of sports and so I would prioritise participation rather than using as a bargaining or negotiating tool.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/10/2021 20:38

@Theblacksheepandme

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves I have asked him numerous times if he wants to stay with me. We went to marriage counselling and it seemed to help but I do sometimes feel going to activities so often is a way to not have to spend time with me.
I would feel the same tbh
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 20:38

FATEdestiny
I'm sorry but you made me giggle with your typo as I think you mean hobby and not hubby. Now that definitely would make interesting evenings. If I spend 4 evenings without my husband and only have time with him 3 evenings I actually think that is a lot of time apart.

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Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 20:40

FATEdestiny
I have not once said anything about denying her any of her activities.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 05/10/2021 20:40

Your OP sounds like your husband was trying to back you up??

martingrowler · 05/10/2021 20:47

I can't believe I'm saying this because I'm usually first to harp on about kids having responsibilities but 13 feels young to be asking her to prepare dinner. If she's at school plus all these clubs she's probably knackered.

I wonder if by giving her that kind of role she's getting an elevated status. I have one child and I see it elsewhere too where there's one kid there is a blurred line between who's in charge.

Maybe treat her more like a child. I also like pp idea about going together to training them going for a drink or a walk together while she's in there

Craftycorvid · 05/10/2021 20:49

You are giving a 13-year-old an awful lot of power over your relationship. Giving a toddler the power to stop you being intimate with your partner is huge. It also seems as though arguing about her is a proxy for something else in your relationship with her father. That all sounds like a lot of stress and tension so it’s unsurprising you are all arguing. What were things like between you when she was born? How did you feel about being parents? What was your own childhood like? There may be clues there as to how you have found yourselves stuck.

FATEdestiny · 05/10/2021 20:49

you made me giggle with your typo as I think you mean hobby and not hubby

Lol, sorry! Yes I did! Blush

I thought your ok was inferring you were pissed off they they went to the activity after having the row. I think I may have mis-read your meaning?

For what it's worth, my teenagers would kick off if I asked them to cook at short notice. They like to plan what they want to cook and make sure we have the necessary ingredients. I don't know what you were hoping for her to cook? But I'd only be expecting oven chips and nuggets for a last minute meal from a teenager.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 20:58

Craftycorvid
We were really happy to be parents. My childhood was terrible and my Mother was not a good Mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 21:03

FATEdestiny
I do a meal plan for the week and keep it simple. It was just a pasta bake. I think my expectations of her are too high sometimes. She really is a lovely girl but really can be so selfish and self absorbed. I think because we do so much for her that it would be nice if she recognised it sometimes.

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Griefmonster · 05/10/2021 21:31

OP - I disagree that your daughter should be grateful. She doesn't know any different. I wonder if you are comparing her up ringing to yours and feel she doesn't realise how lucky she is?

I think you would benefit from therapy for your own childhood and family Therapy for the 3 of you. The dynamics are all off.

Try reframing your OP with you and DH at centre,not your DD. What would you see? E.g. your toddler DD did not stop you and your DH being intimate. That was you and DHS response and choice. Acknowledge that. You are laying a lot at her feet that needn't be there

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 21:48

Griefmonster
I started therapy last week and had my second therapy session today. I am feeling quite raw today which definitely didn't help.

OP posts: