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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Horrible row

91 replies

Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 19:53

Our 13 year old is extremely self absorbed and selfish. Her Dad will do anything for her and from day one the World revolved around her. I slotted into doing the same. I know our marriage suffered because of this. She didn't like us cuddling or showing any affection to each other when she was a toddler. We slowly stopped due to this and rarely show affection anymore. We haven't had sex in years. I'm lonely as she wants to do these activities 4 evenings a week which he drives her to and one day in the weekend. He is gone for the whole time during her activities as they are too far away to come home and go back. We have had marriage counselling which improved our relationship but there was such an argument tonight which blew way out of proportion. Our arguments are mainly due to her and this evenings sounds so trivial. She had no homework and I thought in order for my husband and myself to spend time together we could go for a walk. I told her to prepare dinner and she made a big deal of it and was cross about it. I ended up doing the dinner because I was so mad at her. My husband told me I should have persisted with her doing the dinner but she was being really difficult. It ended up with us having a massive argument and no walk. She is now gone off to her activity with him gone too. I am now alone in the house crying as I feel she is getting worse. I know it is our fault she is the way she is because everything we do is for her. How do we make her more considerate. I sometimes just want to pack my bags and leave. I honestly know I could be in a lot worse situation but I just want her to realise how much we sacrifice for her. Am I being unrealistic and are my expectations too high? I also told her she couldn't go to the cinema with her friend the weekend and my husband thought it was too harsh a punishment.

OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 06/10/2021 08:08

Blaming your daughter for fact you’ve not had sex for 4 years? Come on OP - there a limit as to what you can lay at her feet

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 06/10/2021 08:10

Fireflygal
She has cooked before and her cooking dinner was not a form of punishment.

OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 06/10/2021 08:10

And if she didn’t want to do dinner

You shrug.
You invite her for the walk
I’m guessing she’d have said no!
If she had said yes, she joins.

You and your husband leave for a nice walk and stop to get dinner on the way back.

Griefmonster · 06/10/2021 08:10

@Theblacksheepandme people are possibly only reading your OP when commenting on a negative impression.

I, and others, can see now that your OP was written at a very low point for you and in no way reflects the totality of your relationship with your daughter. I would really recommend taking a break from this thread. Perhaps even taking it to your next counselling session? I am really interested in seeing if you can find a way a different story in your OP. If you weren't to put your DD as the main character, how would you describe it?

I suspect you are holding a lot of very negative feelings about yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 06/10/2021 08:11

Reallyimeanreally2022
I can't believe you have read through all of what has been said and came up with that conclusion.

OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 06/10/2021 08:16

@Theblacksheepandme

Reallyimeanreally2022 I can't believe you have read through all of what has been said and came up with that conclusion.
Why didn’t you approach the walk as I suggested?

You knew she wouldn’t have been amenable to that idea surely! So you adapt

ReggaetonLente · 06/10/2021 08:17

@StopGo

Sadly, your marriage was over years ago. Your only thing in common is DD. You both created the entitled and spoilt child.
Did it make you feel good to write that? Pathetic.
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 06/10/2021 08:18

Griefmonster
Thanks for what you said. I am definitely taking a break from the thread. Thanks to everyone who read the whole thread and gave positive feedback.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 06/10/2021 08:21

Reallyimeanreally2022

Blaming your daughter for fact you’ve not had sex for 4 years? Come on OP - there a limit as to what you can lay at her feet

The above conclusion.

OP posts:
FloconDeNeige · 06/10/2021 08:24

OP, I don’t think it comes across that you dislike your DD at all - quite the opposite in fact! You have been so conscious of not repeating the mistakes of your own mother that you have, as someone said earlier, put her on a pedestal and neglected yourselves and your marriage in the process. Your intentions were good though.

Good luck with family therapy.

Justilou1 · 06/10/2021 08:25

@Theblacksheepandme… You say that you don’t want her to be a product of your upbringing, but I’m sorry to say that she is. You and your DH are not a team. The dynamic between her and DH is very much like THEY are married and you are what? Staff? You said that you had a terrible childhood. This doesn’t sound great either. Nobody has your back. Nobody’s listening (except your counsellor - and you PAY them.). Nobody is prioritizing YOU. You have a HUGE DH problem. Why is he more emotionally intimate with his daughter? I have alarm bells going off like a frog in a sock here!!! Why the heck did you two allow a child to dictate whether or not you could be affectionate with each other? You love your daughter, which is normal, but you also state that she is self-absorbed and selfish, and both of you enable this. She refused to cook dinner, so YOU were punished by missing out on the walk. She controls every single narrative here. Why didn’t you simply calmly go for a walk, leaving her to her tantrum? You could have eaten something else and let her go without. You could have picked up your keys and gone to the movies, or out to a bistro and had a glass of wine and played solitaire on your phone and maybe run into Idis Elba.There are so many other options where you are not a matyr crying at home with literally nobody caring about you.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 06/10/2021 08:40

I don't think it's too late to fix things. 13 is still very young and a lot can change between now and when she is an adult.
I think you need to go out with your husband and agree some ground rules. If this was me I'd want a date night once a week that DD has no part of. I would also go with DH at least once a week to her activity and use that time to go for a coffee and have a chat with him.
I don't think you were unreasonable to ask her to prep a pasta bake - it's hardly Christmas dinner! And of she has energy for her things then she has energy to participate in her own home. She is part of a family, where other people have needs.
I would also take her to one of her activities by myself - I think you and DD need to build some time together, without dad being the parent who does the fun stuff and you being the parent who tells her to do chores.
You and DH might also benefit from going back to couples therapy.
If your marriage is over, then best to know that and be able to plan what you want to do.
But I definitely don't believe that this is unfixable.

martingrowler · 06/10/2021 08:43

I absolutely agree that preparing a meal isn't too big a task and that people underestimate what kids are capable of. I'm just wondering if the dynamic is a bit off because it's not at all usual for a 13 year old to tasked with preparing a meal on a week day. Certainly not out of the blue if it's not a usual rota like - say, kids prepare dinner on a weds. It feels like it's giving her adult status which is kind of what you want to avoid at this point.

I guess what I mean is make it very clear it's you two adults, and her as the child.

EmeraldRaine · 06/10/2021 08:44

don't think my husband blames her but I know I do.

This is actually good that you've said that, because it seems to me that you've recognised that this is the problem - and your can't fix it until you've identified it and you can admit it. You know that none of it is actually her fault. It's not necessarily yours either, children don't come with an instruction manual and if you had a bad childhood how would you know to do better? So therapy around that point will help you so much to overcome this. Something that's helped me is to realise is that we all do the best we can with the resources and knowledge we have at that time. At the time you thought you were doing the right thing in putting your dd first so much based on what you knew then. It's not too late to fix this you know. What's that saying, the best time to plant a tree was yesterday. The second best time is now.

What kind of therapy is it you're having? CBT is really really good for helping you to challenge your own harmful beliefs and changing the narrative in your own head. I think you were really brave to post here by the way. I nearly gave you a bit of a roasting too, but actually i think you've been really brave to post here and lay bare all the negatives. How many of these perfect posters would ever admit the mistakes they've made when raising their children?

After therapy go for a walk by yourself. You want to spend time with your husband, sure, but directly after a therapy session isn't necessarily the time to do it. Please be kind to yourself. You seem to be giving yourself an incredibly hard time and if there's is trauma in your childhood then it's not going to be fixed overnight. Do you know what is good though? You're taking steps to address it and to help yourself. You don't want to continue this cycle and you're doing something about it. Do you know how brave that is? It's not going to be easy but for the sake of the relationships with the people you love, your dd and dh, you need to do it. Good luck, you've got this Flowers

martingrowler · 06/10/2021 08:45

I think it's clear you love your daughter, ignore the posters making wild assumptions and being mean!

Ladyof · 06/10/2021 08:57

Wow there is some really unpleasant people on here.

OP ignore the nastiness and be kind to yourself.

To be honest I think she sounds like a typical teen, they are quiet selfish and self absorbed, not all the time but a lot of it.

I would maybe start to plan things with your husband in advance and tell her, ok at weekend we are doing this, what would you like to do.

Also ask her if she would mind doing tea one night whilst you enjoy a walk and chat with hubby. If you ask her to pick a night and a meal she might be more up for it.

The teenage years are hard, my daughter is 15 and sounds like yours to be honest, I believe they come back to us though as well grounded adults.

Good luck and if you want to chat inbox me.

Sending love 💘

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 06/10/2021 11:17

@Theblacksheepandme

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves My Mum was a terrible Mum but you're right. When I brought up painful things that happened to me it always came back to things she did for me. Crikey that has made me think.
I suspected that might be the case. That shit is insidious. It just creeps in there without you even realising . Several times I've found myself repeating the shit I was told then thinking omfg what the hell am I doing! Flowers It's clear you want to do your best and I don't read at all anything that suggests you hate your daughter. You just need support and your husband to realise you're supposed to be a team.
MrsBobDylan · 06/10/2021 14:12

I think you would really benefit from some therapy to come to terms with your own childhood op.

Lots of toddlers don't like their parents showing each other affection, ditto teenagers for different reasons.

Most teenagers would make a big bloody fuss about preparing dinner.

I don't think you want to resent your dd but it's almost as if that is the model of motherhood you know and you feel very rejected by your child when she is just doing what kids do.

Good luck, hope you can find an easier path going forward Thanks

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 06/10/2021 16:14

Justilou1
Why is he more emotionally intimate with his daughter? I have alarm bells going off like a frog in a sock here!!!

What do you mean by this? I was going to let it go but it's been bugging me all day.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 07/10/2021 01:53

Because it is inappropriate on his behalf. He is not intimate with you anymore. He has chosen to nurture and prioritize his relationship with his female child instead. He is an adult and he takes her side and isolates you. Potentially grooming behaviour.

Geppili · 07/10/2021 02:39

@Justilou1 Very well put.

Geppili · 07/10/2021 02:50

Op you have a husband problem. He has checked out from your marriage as soon as your daughter was born. You say right at the beginning of your post:

"Her Dad will do anything for her and from day one the World revolved around her. I slotted into doing the same. I know our marriage suffered because of this. "

You are in a situation where your husband is completely and unhealthily focused on his child. Why is it that he takes her to all of her activities exclusively? Perhaps he thinks this is the way to be a good or involved father. But neglecting your wife and mother of your child is not being a good father. I feel for you because I can hear your desperation. I think the root problem is with your marriage and co-parenting rather than with your daughter. Thanks

SaltySheepdog · 07/10/2021 03:13

You need to spend time alone with your DD. Take her to half the activities. Your DH can take her to the other half of activities.

Get your calendar out and book activities to happen weekly with DH. A walk every Monday night, a quiet pint in the local pub every Friday night.. if this isn’t possible best rearrange your DDs activities so that she does less and you do more.

ReggaetonLente · 07/10/2021 05:48

That shit is insidious. It just creeps in there without you even realising .
Several times I've found myself repeating the shit I was told then thinking omfg what the hell am I doing

Me too. It's such a tough journey.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 07/10/2021 08:45

Justilou1
In relation to the grooming. You are completely wrong. I am hyper sensitive to anything like this and this most definitely is not happening. I know you have that way of thinking all wrong. I really am now leaving this thread as I feel I shouldn't have replied to you Justilou1. It has upset me in what you got from my discussions. He also doesn't take her side over things and I don't know where you got this from my post.

Geppili It's not even how he wants to be involved. He just sits in the car drops her off and waits in the car until she's finished. He is a great Dad and agreeing with Justilou1 when he is labelled as a potential groomer doesn't help. I should have left this thread when I got all the helpful advice I received but me being me had to ask Justilou1 as I knew what was being implied.

SaltySheepdog
I had a good discussion with my husband last night and he agreed that we need to spend time together. He even said just us and without our daughter. He does try.

I know if you all read my thread that I have a whole load of issues from childhood that doesn't help in how I react to things. The talk yesterday helped. I also spoke with my daughter in order to mend things with her also. The therapy will continue and hopefully this will also help.

Thank you all for your great advice and kind words. We are going the right direction as a couple and as parents to our beautiful, clever, kind hearted and pain in the neck sometimes daughter.

OP posts:
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