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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Horrible row

91 replies

Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 19:53

Our 13 year old is extremely self absorbed and selfish. Her Dad will do anything for her and from day one the World revolved around her. I slotted into doing the same. I know our marriage suffered because of this. She didn't like us cuddling or showing any affection to each other when she was a toddler. We slowly stopped due to this and rarely show affection anymore. We haven't had sex in years. I'm lonely as she wants to do these activities 4 evenings a week which he drives her to and one day in the weekend. He is gone for the whole time during her activities as they are too far away to come home and go back. We have had marriage counselling which improved our relationship but there was such an argument tonight which blew way out of proportion. Our arguments are mainly due to her and this evenings sounds so trivial. She had no homework and I thought in order for my husband and myself to spend time together we could go for a walk. I told her to prepare dinner and she made a big deal of it and was cross about it. I ended up doing the dinner because I was so mad at her. My husband told me I should have persisted with her doing the dinner but she was being really difficult. It ended up with us having a massive argument and no walk. She is now gone off to her activity with him gone too. I am now alone in the house crying as I feel she is getting worse. I know it is our fault she is the way she is because everything we do is for her. How do we make her more considerate. I sometimes just want to pack my bags and leave. I honestly know I could be in a lot worse situation but I just want her to realise how much we sacrifice for her. Am I being unrealistic and are my expectations too high? I also told her she couldn't go to the cinema with her friend the weekend and my husband thought it was too harsh a punishment.

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 05/10/2021 21:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Griefmonster · 05/10/2021 22:01

Oh love x it's not too late at all. Therapy is hard going and you know now to factor in some time to process after a session.

You can reset. Even if you and DH needed to split, you can do so amicably and reset your relationship with your DD.

She is your daughter and I can see that you love her. You said:

I think my expectations of her are too high sometimes. She really is a lovely girl

Just stop at that. No "but" just "She really is a lovely girl."

LynetteScavo · 05/10/2021 22:23

but I just want her to realise how much we sacrifice for her

Do you mean how much you sacrifice by not being able to spend more time with your husband?

13 year olds generally are quite self absorbed. They're still children. Asking (you said you told her to) a 13 year old to cook on a weeknight is unusual, I think. At that age it would be more usual for the child to choose a meal to cook and prepare it and a fun learning activity, rather than because you all needed to eat.

I think you were all hangrey and you were already emotionally drained.

Why don't you go along when your DD goes to her sport?

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 22:24

Griefmonster
Thanks for saying what you said. I don't want her to be a product of my messed childhood and all of this to be too late to change.

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 05/10/2021 22:31

You absolutely don’t have to be defined by your childhood, OP. And yours sounds very unhappy. Sometimes when children hit an age that was particularly uncomfortable for us it evokes all sorts of stuff and it can be hard to separate what’s going on for whom. Good therapy can be a huge help but can be uncomfortable at the start. Make sure you have things around you to help you feel good, whether that’s chocolate or music or whatever.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 22:57

Craftycorvid
Do you think it's a good idea to stay away from my husband and daughter for a while after the therapy?

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/10/2021 23:00

Did your mum talk about what she'd sacrificed for you?

I just wondered if perhaps you'd grown up with those words or that attitude. Wanting your child to see everything you've done as things you've sacrificed for them is perhaps not the healthiest way to view things. You don't want to accidentally create the feeling in her that she's a burden or owes you or something.

PieMistee · 05/10/2021 23:04

I know you don't want to hear it is anything to do with her being an only child but it will have had an impact. Our youngest is very high maintenance for want of a better word but with three older siblings she cannot get away with your daughters behaviour as our attention has to be spread.
If she did have siblings things would be different but she would still be demanding (if DD is anything to go by!) Get her to do chores/cook as all young people should do a few. It's good for them in so many ways.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 23:05

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves
My Mum was a terrible Mum but you're right. When I brought up painful things that happened to me it always came back to things she did for me. Crikey that has made me think.

OP posts:
GalaxyPostcard · 05/10/2021 23:18

I'm sorry to say this OP but this reads as if you really dislike her, and I agree that the dynamic is way off - I really thought this was a step parent relationship before reading back.

I think it's probably family counselling you need at this point if it's been going on so long. Is this something you've considered?

Craftycorvid · 05/10/2021 23:20

If you feel you need time for your head to settle after your therapy - by, say, going for a walk - then that’s a good idea.

Your mum’s way of responding to you sounds really hard to deal with. It checkmates your feelings for one thing, and gives you the message parenthood is about putting your needs aside all the time.

StopGo · 05/10/2021 23:22

Sadly, your marriage was over years ago. Your only thing in common is DD. You both created the entitled and spoilt child.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 23:39

StopGo
Wow.

OP posts:
choli · 06/10/2021 06:36

@GalaxyPostcard

I'm sorry to say this OP but this reads as if you really dislike her, and I agree that the dynamic is way off - I really thought this was a step parent relationship before reading back.

I think it's probably family counselling you need at this point if it's been going on so long. Is this something you've considered?

I would dislike too, she sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person.
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 06/10/2021 06:50

choli
She is most definitely not an unpleasant person. She actually is a lovely girl. I sometimes can't believe how lucky I am to have her. She is a teenager and I do think my expectations of her are too high. Her hormones are all over the place and I am not dealing with it very well. Please don't say my beautiful 13 year old little girl is thoroughly unpleasant. That is what I grew up being told about me and it's not nice. I spent all night tossing and turning and had very little sleep. I came to the conclusion that I am not a good Mum. I am broken and I don't think I can be fixed.

OP posts:
FloconDeNeige · 06/10/2021 06:56

Unfortunately I think this situation is a good example of the fact that children do not ALWAYS come first, as we see trotted out on here quite often. Parents are people too and indulging a kid’s every whim at the expense of your own marriage, well-being and mental health, gets you to where the OP is.

I’m sure it’s not ‘too late’ to unpick though. The DD is 13, not 33. What about family counselling?

Littlefish · 06/10/2021 07:00

Some psychotherapists work with adults on 'parent work'.

My 17 year old dd has ADHD and I have found parenting her to be incredibly challenging at times. I also had a highly dysfunctional childhood.

In desperation, I undertook some parent work with a very experienced psychotherapist and it has made a massive difference.

The therapist has helped me to reflect on how I deal with both my daughter, and how my dh and I relate to each other around parenting.

She has helped me to see how my reactions to my daughter are led by my own childhood, and how to see them differently/deal with them more positively.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 06/10/2021 07:17

FloconDeNeige and Littlefish
Thank you both for this advice. I will talk to my counsellor next week and see what can be done about my parenting. I do think my childhood doesn't help on how I react to things she does. They are not even that bad, just typical teenage stuff. I really need to do something about it. My husband agreed a few weeks ago that we shouldn't have always put her first.

OP posts:
martingrowler · 06/10/2021 07:25

I think sometimes we take drastic steps to rebalance things we perceive to be off kilter. You say she's been spoiled and got away with stuff, but then there's an argument kicked off because you've asked her to prepare dinner which as I say is probably not appropriate for a 13 year old.

I agree about the parent work. But don't take all the responsibility to change on your own shoulders. Your DH needs to see his part in this.

EmeraldRaine · 06/10/2021 07:31

Your own upbringing will probably be influencing a lot of this. It is a very good idea after therapy to take some time out, whether that's a walk, or go and sit in a park. I find guided meditation videos on YouTube are helpful to calm me down after a therapy session, it kind of soothes the raw edges.

But it reads to me as though you've both put her on a pedestal and now you're both blaming her for being the product of that upbringing. It also reads as though you and dh both blame each other for it. Family Therapy would probably be a good idea too.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 06/10/2021 07:43

EmeraldRaine
I don't think my husband blames her but I know I do. I definitely will take time out after therapy. It is what I should have done yesterday and I know that whole argument would have been avoided.

martingrowler
I don't know if I agree with you. She had no homework and 3 hours free before her activity started. I dont think doing a very simple dinner is too big a task for a 13 yr old. I get a walk in and time with my husband before they go off for the evening. It was something I wanted to do after therapy. I think kids can be underestimated on their ability to do things at an early age.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 06/10/2021 07:45

Can any of you explain why my post comes across like I dislike/hate her as it really couldn't be further from what I feel for her? She really means the World to me and I love her so much.

OP posts:
Cloudyzebra · 06/10/2021 07:59

I think the reason some people are thinking you dislike her is because this thread is all about the negatives of your relationship. I wouldn't get too hung up on that. You know how you actually feel about her. It does sound like the dynamic between the three of you needs a massive overhaul though. You and your DH need to be a team, especially through the turbulent teenage years.

Fireflygal · 06/10/2021 08:00

I dont think doing a very simple dinner is too big a task for a 13 yr old

If she hasn't cooked a meal before and you only just suggested it then it could have come across as punishment. It also depends how she said No and how you handled that. My teen wouldn't respond well if they were tired and I sprung a task on them. They would push back and if I chose to take a hard line it would escalate. Perhaps plan time with your husband for next week, let them both know and start cooking dinner together with your daughter.

With teens timing is important.. are you choosing the right time, is anyone hungry, tired or emotionally drained.

LadyGAgain · 06/10/2021 08:07

She refused to do dinner and then got to go to her activity? She's walking all over you and you're facilitating. What do you expect?! Lay some ground rules. She wants to be taken to her activities she contributes x y and z towards the household 'team' and she also affords you and DH time together.