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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Horrible row

91 replies

Theblacksheepandme · 05/10/2021 19:53

Our 13 year old is extremely self absorbed and selfish. Her Dad will do anything for her and from day one the World revolved around her. I slotted into doing the same. I know our marriage suffered because of this. She didn't like us cuddling or showing any affection to each other when she was a toddler. We slowly stopped due to this and rarely show affection anymore. We haven't had sex in years. I'm lonely as she wants to do these activities 4 evenings a week which he drives her to and one day in the weekend. He is gone for the whole time during her activities as they are too far away to come home and go back. We have had marriage counselling which improved our relationship but there was such an argument tonight which blew way out of proportion. Our arguments are mainly due to her and this evenings sounds so trivial. She had no homework and I thought in order for my husband and myself to spend time together we could go for a walk. I told her to prepare dinner and she made a big deal of it and was cross about it. I ended up doing the dinner because I was so mad at her. My husband told me I should have persisted with her doing the dinner but she was being really difficult. It ended up with us having a massive argument and no walk. She is now gone off to her activity with him gone too. I am now alone in the house crying as I feel she is getting worse. I know it is our fault she is the way she is because everything we do is for her. How do we make her more considerate. I sometimes just want to pack my bags and leave. I honestly know I could be in a lot worse situation but I just want her to realise how much we sacrifice for her. Am I being unrealistic and are my expectations too high? I also told her she couldn't go to the cinema with her friend the weekend and my husband thought it was too harsh a punishment.

OP posts:

Feelslikealot · 07/10/2021 10:46

Good luck op.

Those twats that suggested your husband is abusing your dd would never have said that about a mum who is "too close" to their child. Please ignore them.

Geppili · 07/10/2021 17:51

@Theblacksheepandme I am so sorry that my post caused you distress. I was not referring to sexual abuse/incest. I was referring to emotional incest, also known as covert incest, which has nothing to do with incestuous sexual abuse. Rather, it is an unhealthy emotional relationship between* a parent and a child that blurs* boundaries in a way that elevates the child into an adult role. Some parents don't even realize they are doing it and it can be devastating to the family dynamic. Sometimes parents do it as a means of getting their children to behave in the way they want. This is a kind of grooming, I was referring to. I was trying to suggest that your DH has given in to her and appeased her from day one. A way of parenting which you say you slotted into, not one you actively chose.

Justilou1 · 07/10/2021 22:29

Me too… My intention was to point out how very, very imbalanced your relationship with your DH and daughter is. Perhaps it is because your own mother was such a tyrant, you chose to go the other way with your daughter, but it’s still very unhealthy/

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 07/10/2021 22:36

Can you drive your daughter to some of the hobbies?
That way you get nice one to one time rather than you sitting at home feeling left out

Or why not go along with both of them and if your husband is just sitting in the car, can't you go for a meal together during the time your daughter is at her activity?

Original poster

Theblacksheepandme · 07/10/2021 22:59

Justilou1
Wow, now my Mother is a Tyrant. I would rather not hear anymore of your wisdom as putting words in my mouth is unhelpful.

Geppili
I really think you have read my post and made a whole load of incorrect assumptions. I guess when one goes on a forum all sorts of advice, assumptions and labelling is made and I need to filter what I think is right for me.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend
We are going to make more of an effort to make time for us as a couple. I'm working from home at the moment and he finished work early today to come home and go for a walk with me.

OP posts:

Justilou1 · 08/10/2021 08:52

Did you not state that??? You said you had a terrible childhood and didn’t want to be the same kind of parent you had. I perhaps inferred the wrong parent. I’m out.

Original poster

Theblacksheepandme · 08/10/2021 11:22

Read my posts Justilou1 and tell me where I said my Mother was a tyrant?

OP posts:

Original poster

Theblacksheepandme · 08/10/2021 11:33

Justilou1 The below is what I said. It is not nice to have words put in my mouth and assume what kind of childhood I had unless I gave that information. The best advice one can give is based on the information they are given and not assumed. I got a hell of a lot of kind good advice where people clearly did that. My Mum was not a Tyrant but a terrible Mum in ways I'm not going to get into.

Griefmonster
Thanks for saying what you said. I don't want her to be a product of my messed childhood and all of this to be too late to change.

OP posts:

Gribbie · 08/10/2021 12:07

Do you ever go with him to the hobby and do something together while she's in there, go for a walk, a drink?

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/10/2021 12:48

Hello OP,
To add to kind advice, just wanted to say that teenagers in general become self-absorbed and a bit selfish. It in no way reflects on your or your DHs parenting. I felt really bad reading you came to conclusion you are a bad mum...and over what is typical teenage behaviour! You are not a bad mum. You’re doing the best you can while dealing with the negatives from your own childhood. I do agree continue the therapy and carve out time for yourself and your DH. Also time to do things with your DD will help you stay close as well.

Teenagers can be very difficult. We’ve had teens go through stages of ignoring our phone calls/texts, disappearing off with friends, communicate in grunts, leave dirty dishes/clothes strewn about, only be polite and nice if they want something, manufacturing a row to avoid doing something we ask, even if it is simply taking out the recycling, bickering with each other, trying to drive a wedge between me and DH (papa said I could..when he did not), etc.

We too wondered, where did we go wrong? Talking with other parents of teens gave us good perspective..it is a developmental stage just like the toddler “terrible twos” with tantrums. So please, be kind to yourself and I wish you the very best.

Cassia12 · 08/10/2021 15:56

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I felt differently from the other responses. Any father who dosent recognise an imbalance in the relationship of family is a problem. You are now feeling pushed away. Please believe that your daughter loves you unconditionally and is going through her own difficulties due to her age. Please talk about your feelings to a friend or helpline. Your daughter will always love and need you. I feel she is picking up on you and your partners tension and to feel safe has been closer to her dad. Please don't feel she has been difficult. They are all difficult. Talk it through and try to get more time you and her together alone just to have fun without questions. X

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 08/10/2021 16:10

Forget your partner for the time being
Your 100% focus should be on rebuilding your relationship with your daughter

Maybe book a couple of nights away together - just you two. Let her pick.

Original poster

Theblacksheepandme · 08/10/2021 18:44

I had a little chat with her and I told her that we need to make more time for the two of us. She told me she would like that. I suggested that we might go for a posh afternoon tea if she likes. I think I stepped back and I need to make more of an effort with her going forward. There is going to be the two of us, her and her Father, me and my husband and all three of us if that makes sense. I don't ever want to stop the closeness they have as I am lucky that he is a hands on Dad but now I need to step up and do more with her. My husband honestly would be more than happy if I got more involved, he said that after having a conversation with him. He said sometimes he just likes being busy and just goes into autopilot of taking her to all her activities. I told her to go to the cinema with her friend tomorrow and afterwards my husband asked if I'd like to go out for lunch with him while she's gone.

OP posts:

Feelslikealot · 08/10/2021 19:01

That's a great outcome and it's good that you've realised you have different relationships that need different things. Sounds like you're all willing to try . I think you're going to be fine op

WaterScarf · 08/10/2021 19:10

Give it a year or so and she'll be out with her friends all weekend soon so you'll have lots of time with DH.

You're feeling left out and lonely which is not a nice feeling. They can't see this as they both love you.

I personally would love all that extra time to myself

ReggaetonLente · 09/10/2021 08:19

That's such a good update OP!

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