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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

And today I'm officially DONE

82 replies

BuggerThisForALark · 02/10/2021 13:38

Told to shut up by my teenage son last night, having spent the whole afternoon of my 'day off' cleaning his filthy room, I am done. (Who puts the remains of their packed lunch in their underwear drawer? It was OLD) I realise that this is mild to what some people have to put up with, but I'm at the end of my rope.

My husband sat completely mute and offered no support and so that is IT. I've got two mid teen kids, I'm not being an unpaid slave to them any longer. I'm their mum. Surely they can appreciate what I do enough to be even civil?

My husband says I have a temper and I resort to shouting. When I've asked someone to do a 30 second job for four or five DAYS and it's still not been done, I've got nowhere to go but shout. There is no punishment that works and my husband wont support me suspending their phone contracts.

I'm so cross, I've put all son's washing in a black bag in his room and told him that it's now up to him. I'll make sure his uniform is clean, but apart from that, he's on his own. They do virtually nothing, spend HOURS on their devices and bicker over who empties which half of the dishwasher, this drives me so mad I end up doing even that myself. When I say do nothing, I mean they don't even close cupboard doors, remains of food are just left where they sat with them, fruit peel desiccates behind beds, crisp packets are tucked behind furniture, I have to clean the toilet before I use it. I can't keep the house even reasonable without feeling like I'm doing nothing else. I work almost full time and study on the side.

Today I can't even take off for some alone time as my husband can't currently drive due to a health problem and so I'm also their only transport.

I swear I will never iron their stuff again and it they want socks, they can sort the massive basket full that is ALWAYS my job. I don't care that it's petty.

Husband now expects me to make a list of jobs I want doing and he'll allocate them tasks. So he helps by giving me another job to do.

Moan over. Thank you for your time.

OP posts:
Andi2020 · 02/10/2021 19:35

I have 3 teenagers and get them all to do jobs around house yes they have the usual moan. During 1st lockdown all started washing clothes so they can all use washing machine but if it's in basket I put them in. All in charge of their own rooms.
The more we do for them the less they will do. So just do what they need for school and leave the rest.
Hopefully things improve

Leibham · 02/10/2021 19:37

It gets better.

I’ve had very bad days like this with DS. We’re through all that now.

It’ll be fine Flowers

purplesequins · 02/10/2021 19:37

I never clean dc room (unless they ask me for help) that's their job!
pocket money only after they present me or dh with a tidy and clean room once a month.

Quartz2208 · 02/10/2021 19:38

You have a husband issue as much as teenage boys

debbs77 · 02/10/2021 19:39

Balls to that! Who cares if you're their only transport....for what?

Go out tomorrow, have a lovely leisurely coffee, walk around the shops etc etc

As for no washing except uniform, make it their problem! I'd have a word with the school so they are aware, but don't continue to be treated like this.

FriendshipHelp · 02/10/2021 19:39

Hang in there and don’t give in!
Tell your DH exactly that, it’s still work for you to do that

Tellmesomethinggirl · 02/10/2021 19:44

Here you are op: Wine Wine Wine Wine

Of course you don't need to drive them if they haven't kept their side of the bargain!

My teen girls do absolutely nothing, despite the fact that they were raised to do chores so you have my sympathy. I have given up. I just grit my teeth, and be mostly "unavailable" for chauffeuring duty (except in an emergency of course and model enjoying my own life, cleaning and cooking as much as I choose.

Tellmesomethinggirl · 02/10/2021 19:46

PS grrrrrr to your DH! Angry Mine is the same! Mpeqce at any price eh? So infuriating! Stuff 'em! It's time to live your life the way you want to live it op, without as much consideration for others, just like they do!

Tellmesomethinggirl · 02/10/2021 19:47

peace at any price that should have said

HollowTalk · 02/10/2021 19:48

If you are there only transport, that would be even more reason for me to go out for the full day.

HollowTalk · 02/10/2021 19:48

Their!!!

Bonbon21 · 02/10/2021 19:49

Do not set foot in their rooms.
Do not do ANY of their laundry.
Put food on the table at a time that suits YOU... they either eat it or starve...
DO make a rota for domestic jobs....including yourself AND your husband....including bin emptying and toilet cleaning.. if it doesn't happen then the transport doesn't either..
Mid teens want to be adults so treat them like adults... there are consequences when you don't do what you are expected to.. good training for when they join the real world..
DO NOT BACK DOWN.
They need to learn respect... their future partners will thank you.
X

megletthesecond · 02/10/2021 19:51

Your husband is causing the problem here. He can make the rota.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 02/10/2021 19:52

I quit dd's room ages ago.
Until we got mice...
Sad
Now I do no washing except uniforms.. And they iron them..
They get tea made if their behaviour is decent otherwise it's self service...
No friends are allowed in because of their room now..

SweatyTulip · 02/10/2021 19:52

Feeling your pain OP. Similar scenes here tonight and I just lost my sh#t with my 14 year old. Apparently I "always" sound like I telling her off - "it's the tone of your voice". What I actually said, as I cheerfully picked her up, ignoring the fact she was wearing MY coat, was that I was always happy to drop friends home too, to save every parent coming out. Barely had more than 10 words out if her in 24 hours, and the final straw was her not eating dinner with the family as she'd eaten rubbish all day. And I'd cooked separately as she's gone veggie. Honestly - I'm done tonight too!

Eddielzzard · 02/10/2021 19:54

Nope. You MAKE them value and respect you.

Book a couple of nights in a hotel. Take the car and visit friends. Honestly they need to feel the loss of you. Not just for a couple of hours but as long as you possibly can. Even better, go away for a whole week. Take off work and go away. Your DH can sort out the uniforms. Fuck that actually, they can all work it out between them. Seriously. Don't put up with it.

WTF475878237NC · 02/10/2021 19:54

Oh my goodness I am angry on your behalf! Why can't your husband make the list?!

Beamur · 02/10/2021 19:55

Make a rota, stick it up somewhere visible
Close the door of their rooms if messy
Pocket money monthly after a room tidy is a great idea
Have a designated place to out clothes that need washing anything not in there, doesn't get washed
Taxi services will be suspended if attitudes are poor. Get them a bus pass and tell them to get a bus
Stop engaging in battles you can't win
Just stop cleaning up after them
Stop doing ironing. I think I suspended ironing for our teens at 15. After that they either did it themselves or wore crumpled clothes.
They survived and are now capable young adults

julesover40 · 02/10/2021 19:57

The teenager situation will eventually pass/improve. The DH problem won't as he clearly doesn't value you any more than your sons do! So what if your The only transport, that's their problem.

Minimum support for all of them this week and if it doesn't improve then consider checking yourself into a hotel next weekend 😉

DriftingBlue · 02/10/2021 19:58

You don’t have to cancel their phone contracts.

Many phones have parental controls that let you lock them out of doing anything but the basics during hours you specify. Use that feature. The hours can even be 24/7. That way they still have phones for essential contact, just not for apps or social media.

Turn off the WiFi until their chores are done for the day. Many routers will also let you have channels so that you and your husband don’t have to suffer.

I know you shouldn’t have to make a list, but making a list can actually be effective. It takes the emotion out of the interaction. Think of it as teaching them to take care of themselves by showing them what steps are necessary.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/10/2021 20:01

Today I can't even take off for some alone time as my husband can't currently drive due to a health problem and so I'm also their only transport.

To where? The only place I would be prepared to transport them to would be school. Are you sure you are putting sanctions in place OP?

FuckmyHead · 02/10/2021 20:02

Flowers Op
Minus the husband, because I’m divorced, I could have written that word for word!
No advice lol but I hear you 🤗

CyclingIsNotOuting · 02/10/2021 20:03

Husband now expects me to make a list of jobs I want doing and he'll allocate them tasks. So he helps by giving me another job to do
I feel your pain!
YANBU!

Thatsplentyjack · 02/10/2021 20:04

OP it's the same here but mine are 13 and 7. I wouldn't mind clearnibg uo for the 7 year old if it was general mess but he is a fucking wrecking ball, like no other child I've ever know. He doesn't just make mess he destroys things. Breaks things, spills things, still drawing on furniture and himself, cuts things up with scissors including his clothes and shoes. The list is endless. DP doesn't back me up when I tell them to do things, infact he's harder on then than me but he's a messy fucker aswell so they probably think "why should we listen to him". It's draining.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 02/10/2021 20:04

Let them have their phones...
You keep the charger... Nowt like the % dropping on a phone to see an improvement of attitude...