And today I'm officially DONE

[BuggerThisForALark]

Told to shut up by my teenage son last night, having spent the whole afternoon of my 'day off' cleaning his filthy room, I am done. (Who puts the remains of their packed lunch in their underwear drawer? It was OLD) I realise that this is mild to what some people have to put up with, but I'm at the end of my rope.

My husband sat completely mute and offered no support and so that is IT. I've got two mid teen kids, I'm not being an unpaid slave to them any longer. I'm their mum. Surely they can appreciate what I do enough to be even civil?

My husband says I have a temper and I resort to shouting. When I've asked someone to do a 30 second job for four or five DAYS and it's still not been done, I've got nowhere to go but shout. There is no punishment that works and my husband wont support me suspending their phone contracts.

I'm so cross, I've put all son's washing in a black bag in his room and told him that it's now up to him. I'll make sure his uniform is clean, but apart from that, he's on his own. They do virtually nothing, spend HOURS on their devices and bicker over who empties which half of the dishwasher, this drives me so mad I end up doing even that myself. When I say do nothing, I mean they don't even close cupboard doors, remains of food are just left where they sat with them, fruit peel desiccates behind beds, crisp packets are tucked behind furniture, I have to clean the toilet before I use it. I can't keep the house even reasonable without feeling like I'm doing nothing else. I work almost full time and study on the side.

Today I can't even take off for some alone time as my husband can't currently drive due to a health problem and so I'm also their only transport.

I swear I will never iron their stuff again and it they want socks, they can sort the massive basket full that is ALWAYS my job. I don't care that it's petty.

Husband now expects me to make a list of jobs I want doing and he'll allocate them tasks. So he helps by giving me another job to do.

Moan over. Thank you for your time.

I got myself so worked up there I made loads of typos 🤣

Time for you to go very definitely on strike. Even better, go visit a friend. Let them understand just how much you do for them.

@debbs77

Balls to that! Who cares if you're their only transport....for what?

Go out tomorrow, have a lovely leisurely coffee, walk around the shops etc etc

As for no washing except uniform, make it their problem! I'd have a word with the school so they are aware, but don't continue to be treated like this.

Yeah I wouldnt be driving them anywhere or doing any washing for them. Do not clean up after them. Does your husband clean? If he doesnt, do nothing for him either . I'd be going out on my own tomorrow, all day , not worrying about them tbh. Look after yourself only until they help and all respect you

You need to do less!
Bugger cleaning the room. Dump a pile of stuff on the bed. They sort it before they want a lift or they don’t get taken. (Or alternative consequence)
Don’t close cupboard doors? Call them down to do it.
No food upstairs.
And DH? Needs to stop being a pushover and be a parent! Perhaps if he actually dealt with their behaviour and backed you up they would stop taking the piss.




Take your pic OP!

I would be telling your dh that he should know what’s needed so he can do the list

I would be telling the kids you will not be driving them anywhere, the6 get the bus or train

They do everything else themselves

go on strike for all of them. Do absolutely nothing for your husband, or kids. no lifts, no food, no washing etc NOTHING

do your own, cook your own food, put your own washing in and let them sort their shit out. Otherwise you will never be appreciated.

That is what it comes down to, respect and appreciation. Sounds you have none

Your husband is a knob and your kids are taking the piss because they can. Mine have grown up knowing that you don’t get lifts and funding until you’ve completed your “home/family contributions”. Rooms are their own responsibility and clothes will be washed when they get their jobs done (this worked especially well will my DD who was into her fashion). I feel your pain, it can be so disheartening when they’re so rude. My oldest is 19 and she’s lovely now, I genuinely disliked her for a good few years prior to this. It gets better op.

Husband now expects me to make a list of jobs I want doing and he'll allocate them tasks. So he helps by giving me another job to do.

I’m afraid that my answer would be that he should know as well as I do what needs doing!

And I would go and strike - for the lot of them, DH included (because let’s be honest, he seems to take for granted just as much as your teens do).
I would tell them all that for the next two weeks, you will do NOTHING apart from your own things. Your own washing/ironing/cooking. And then stick to it. Let them sink and struggle.
Then review the situation and establish clear responsibilities, including for your DH. And don’t go back to it ‘because they take time/bicker etc…’. Because the more you step in because they do nothing, the less they will ever do things. And why would they if they know you’ll end up doing it anyway?

Your husband doesn't sound great tbh

My advice is this

Book a holiday and leave them for a weeK

Sometimes you need to put yourself first and this will give you the space to think

There are some amazing deals, just go

The best tip I got for teenagers was, you ask them once, repeat twice and do it yourself.

Next time they come to you asking to do something for them just say, “Remember I asked you to….? I’m going to say no to your request this time. It is only fair”

Sadly you really need a lot of will power to hold to your “no”.

What are you doing woman?

Take that butt out for the day and even evening - ring a friend, have a day off, go study in the library or drink coffee -

For every rude comment I refuse the next three requests - they haven’t worked out it’s three - No you can’t have a lift, no I won’t make your dinner (if they’re late) no I won’t clean your jeans for Saturday.

Excuse me?! You can’t head out for the day because you have to hang around being their transport for the day? I don’t think so!

Actions of consequences: if they treat you like crap then you can take yourself so you don’t have to put up with it. And THEY can deal with the consequences of you not being there.

Personally, I’d be heading out for a fortnight.

I'd go on complete strike until DH and DS have apologised.

@Quartz2208

You have a husband issue as much as teenage boys

The DH issue is the reason why she has a teenager issue. They've learnt by example how the OP is to be treated.

OP I'd stop. All of it. Do you have a spare room, attic, box room, anything that can be turned into a space for yourself? Preferably somewhere you can put a lock on it. Crate a tidy, clean, cozy seating area for yourself and keep it that way by not allowing anybody else access. Then you've got somewhere to escpe to when the rest of the house gets too bad. Take your downtime for hobbies and friends.

Think about what is a reasonable number of hours housework for you to do each day or week. Do that much and no more. Take your downtime, in peace and quiet in your tidy clean personal space. Let the rest of them wallow in filth.

Wear flipflops in the shower. Have a personal set of plate/bowl/ knife/fork/spoon in your room, use that and clean it straight after, dry it and put it back so nobody else can nab it. Same with bath towels, have your own set, washed and dried as necessary and returned to you room. Do your own clothes washing, put your stuff in a mini laundry basket in your room so there's no sifting through everyone's skiddy boxers before you put a wash on. Let them do their own clothes, uniforms included.

Decide which tasks you're taking on (the ones that affect you!). Leave them to divvy up the rest between them.

So maybe do a food shop, clean the fridge, ditch out of date food. Perhaps make a family dinner, but leave them to sort breakfast and lunch themselves. Clean the toilet when you need to use it. Wipe down kitchen countertops and all doorknobs so you don't get food poisoning. Maybe run the hoover round/sweep floors monthly, when you can be bothered. Wear slippers so the crumbs don't stick to your socks. Change your/DH bed and wash that bedding only.

If they're not going to treat you as a valued member of the family, why would you want to act like part of it? They're all adults (mid teens at least 16?), treat them like housemates. If you get too pissed off with it/they don't change their ways, leave.

Why would you even bother keeping his uniform clean for him if he is going to treat you like this?

So what if you're their transport?
They need to learn that actions have consequences.
Go out.

Why di you clean their room?
No need. Let them do it.

They don't need to be anywhere it s the weekend so leave them to it and go somewhere.

If needs be they ask dad to organise a taxi for them

Husband can still write lists?
If he can talk he can do if even if his legs and arms do not work .

Stop doing things for them

I can’t believe your son told you to shut up - that’s horrible. Your DH should have stepped in to support you. I’d start with explaining to him how you feel. Don’t just rant out of frustration because he won’t listen. Go through your points clearly and calmly. Say you’ve had enough - and mean it.

Your DS shouldn’t be taken anywhere for a week as punishment for that rudeness. It’s alright others saying things like leave them to it and don’t clean their rooms but they’ll turn your house into a pigsty. I think you need to have rewards/punishments. They only get their devices/internet in the evening after you’ve checked their rooms and they’ve done their chores. Don’t be ultra-strict on the rooms. Settle for clean and fairly tidy. Only be their transport if they’ve complied. If they havent, they lose transport for 3 days or the next weekend, etc.

It seems awful to have to treat teens like children but sometimes it’s the only thing that gets them back into behaving less selfishly. Don’t get worked up. Speak firmly and decisively but stay as calm as you can.

Best of luck

. Go through your points clearly and calmly. Say you’ve had enough - and mean it

Imhe - it's crap - but they just don't care if you have had enough so there is no point in saying it. It's not totally their fault; their front brains aren't fully formed yet.

The only useful thing to say is "pick up that towel please", " put your bowl in the DW", "carry your shoes upstairs", "put your coat away" rinse and repeat.

I have to clean the toilet before I use it

No, they each clean it after use every time so it's clean for the next person.

They've taken you for granted because the parts of life that are important to them are laid on by you regardless of their complete failure to behave as a loving family and as a caring spouse.

Stop doing all of the things they value. Tell them they have to earn back the privilege of food bought and cooked for them, laundry (especially uniforms) washed, lifts around town, and wifi. Don't return any of those privileges until every single item on your complaint list has been fixed.

It's especially important that they clean the loo and floor around it after use, and I urge you to take the door to your DS room off its hinges as a consequence of the disrespectful state of the bathroom. When you have seen two weeks of the loo left as it should be, then DS gets the door to his bedroom back. Privacy is a privilege too.

You hold the cards here. Use them.

Why bother with the uniform? Just leave it and your DC can do it himself or get in trouble with school.

In your shoes, I would be taking myself out of the house all tomorrow for a lovely day out or visiting a friend and just leave them all to it. And I wouldn't be cooking dinner or doing chores when I got back.

Are you me? Yup, this is my life too. Except my two have both conveniently developed mental health issues during the pandemic so if we do more than whisper gently that I'd be very grateful if maybe they could set the table or pick their filthy socks off the bathroom floor, they both crumble into heaps and cry for hours.

They don't like anything that we cook, but have no ideas what they'd like instead. And just don't eat if we don't pander to their fussiness and cook multiple meals (of beige) that suit them. Teen girls refusing to eat is a big worry.

We also get told we shouldn't have had children if we didn't want to look after them properly (i.e., be treated like manservants), and that they didn't want to be born in the first place, life is awful, they have no future anyway so why should they unstack the dishwasher?

I'm absolutely exhausted by it all - the entitlement, the absolute lack of respect for me or anything I do for them. So I feel your pain, share a with me, hopefully one day we'll be through this and out the other side.

Eddielzzard has got it absolutely right. That's my advice too.

When I say something and it is ignored not once, but twice, my voice goes up a few octaves also. Eff the tone. However, moving in silence can also be effective. Speak once, twice, then just disappear!
H is the problem too.

Don't even touch the school clothes, they are old enough to do that too. Let them prioritise games, over washing and see what they wear to school. You'll be fine.

Thank you Straighttalking1

I shall print out your first sentence and hang it on the wall. Tis a rare day indeed that anyone agrees with me