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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

And today I'm officially DONE

82 replies

BuggerThisForALark · 02/10/2021 13:38

Told to shut up by my teenage son last night, having spent the whole afternoon of my 'day off' cleaning his filthy room, I am done. (Who puts the remains of their packed lunch in their underwear drawer? It was OLD) I realise that this is mild to what some people have to put up with, but I'm at the end of my rope.

My husband sat completely mute and offered no support and so that is IT. I've got two mid teen kids, I'm not being an unpaid slave to them any longer. I'm their mum. Surely they can appreciate what I do enough to be even civil?

My husband says I have a temper and I resort to shouting. When I've asked someone to do a 30 second job for four or five DAYS and it's still not been done, I've got nowhere to go but shout. There is no punishment that works and my husband wont support me suspending their phone contracts.

I'm so cross, I've put all son's washing in a black bag in his room and told him that it's now up to him. I'll make sure his uniform is clean, but apart from that, he's on his own. They do virtually nothing, spend HOURS on their devices and bicker over who empties which half of the dishwasher, this drives me so mad I end up doing even that myself. When I say do nothing, I mean they don't even close cupboard doors, remains of food are just left where they sat with them, fruit peel desiccates behind beds, crisp packets are tucked behind furniture, I have to clean the toilet before I use it. I can't keep the house even reasonable without feeling like I'm doing nothing else. I work almost full time and study on the side.

Today I can't even take off for some alone time as my husband can't currently drive due to a health problem and so I'm also their only transport.

I swear I will never iron their stuff again and it they want socks, they can sort the massive basket full that is ALWAYS my job. I don't care that it's petty.

Husband now expects me to make a list of jobs I want doing and he'll allocate them tasks. So he helps by giving me another job to do.

Moan over. Thank you for your time.

OP posts:
cricketmum84 · 03/10/2021 09:50

It does get better. But only if they realise there are consequences to their behaviour.

No pocket money, no treats, and NO LIFTS!! I can't believe you lost a day when you could do something for yourself to ferrying the selfish pair around!!

Job list for each teen for each day. Stick it on the fridge (the one place I can guarantee teens will go) Weekend treats only if all jobs are completed.

Stand firm!!

(Also do try not to shout. It doesn't solve anything and it will make you more stressed out)

Angrymum22 · 03/10/2021 10:04

I too am the quiet cogs that make our household run smoothly. I’m two days post major surgery with a surgical drain still in place and getting really pissed off that DH and DS are letting me ‘rest’. I don’t like being fussed over but I’m definitely going to lose plenty of weight over the next few weeks. They are just so used to me just doing everything. I’m hoping my long convalescence will reset their expectations.

Porcupineintherough · 03/10/2021 10:10

@HollowTalk

If you are there only transport, that would be even more reason for me to go out for the full day.
^^This!

Mine aren't so bad yet but ds2 will need to spend today doing his own laundry after he complained one of his shirts had been put away in the wrong place. Ungrateful little weevil.

Honestly OP go out and leave them to it. Make sure ylur day includes a nice dinner and dont hurry back.

nameisnotimportant · 03/10/2021 10:16

Sounds like they've learnt it from their useless father

CatsOperatingInGangs · 03/10/2021 10:27

Today I can't even take off for some alone time as my husband can't currently drive due to a health problem and so I'm also their only transport.

Right OP you need to pull your big girl pants up here and put yourself first for once.
Bad behaviour from your kids and husband should be rewarded by you doing things for them so stop. If they can’t be arsed to put their uniform in the wash, then they need to understand the consequence of their actions not have you rescue them.
Likewise the transport. If they can’t do simple jobs and be polite, then bugger the transport!

It’s ok to say no.

TaraR2020 · 03/10/2021 10:29

Don't even do his school uniform, he'll learn much quickerFlowers

LindaEllen · 03/10/2021 10:47

DP used to check DSS's room every weekend (before he went to uni) to make sure it was tidy. Not spotless, he's not unreasonable, but tidy. If it wasn't DSS would come home from training on a Saturday to no devices or WiFi password until the room was clean. He did gradually learn that it was easier to just do it as he went along.

We got him doing his own washing too, which was a big relief.

Dillydollydingdong · 03/10/2021 10:52

Tell them you'll move out unless and until the place is clean and tidy. It's husband's job to make sure it's done. Then go and take yourself off for a few days - friend or relative's house, or even a hotel. Of course it's a bluff, (unless you enjoy it so much you don't want to go back). You need a break anyway.

SurferBoy02 · 03/10/2021 10:53

Kids'll be kids. Maybe just keep them occupied with housework

Charlieiscool · 03/10/2021 10:56

Just stop. Get in your car and go somewhere, anywhere and give yourself a day off. Have a coffee and catch up with your studies in the library.
Set yourself free. Of course you mustn’t iron, cook or do their laundry. Only clean their rooms when they make your house smell. Keep your bedroom as a haven and stay in there. They are all disrespecting you. I’d actually go away on a holiday or something but maybe you can’t. Take your life, your well-being and your sanity back.

Karmagician · 03/10/2021 11:51

Was listening to this podcast earlier in the week about women's 'invisible/emotional labour'. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/dear-sugars/id950464429?i=1000531960234. My favourite quote: "I am the list"

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 03/10/2021 11:59

There aren't going to change their habits overnight. To start with let them know that certain things need doing before you will give them a lift anywhere. So if they want see their friends they will need to tidy their rooms.

Tellmesomethinggirl · 03/10/2021 12:09

AnnieLobeseder. Oh lord I sympathise Flowers

We've had the food thing; I cook a mixture of healthy meals during the week - only one choice - and they can like it or lump it.

The old whinge about "not choosing to be born" should be responded to by a calm "please point to one person on earth who is?"

Followed by a swift "It's entirely down to you whether you want to be a person on earth who smells and wears clothes that aren't clean, or one who sorts themselves out, because I've done it for sixteen years and now it's your turn. I wouldn't want you to go to uni without knowing how."

The MH thing though; I am more sympathetic to that as my teens have genuinely had a rotten time during the pandemic and the most important years of their school education - and now uni - were and are being affected. Your teens response to being asked to do chores is quite unusual for teens I think (mine get outraged and huffy). Are you sure they aren't genuinely depressed? How are they the rest of the time? Do you think they are being manipulative? You know your teens best. If the latter , I would come down quite hard on that.

It's great to have some solidarity on this thread as for a long time I thought it was just me going through this and I was so upset because they did chores and helped out before adolescence struck. Then it all went downhill from there. Sad

femfemlicious · 03/10/2021 12:14

Just stop doing everything. Just do stuff for only you. Only cook dinner. Just walk around humming to yourself and ignoring everything

XelaM · 03/10/2021 12:23

Omg OP you could be describing my 12-year-old!!!! Exact same behaviour. Disgusting messiness beyond belief(!)

I also flip out and shout because I'm at the end of my tether with it (although it has zero effect). No advice but huge sympathy

Knittedfairies · 03/10/2021 12:24

Get in the car and go; find a hill to stand on and have a good scream. Then go home and do nothing for the ingrates. Please only yourself💐

smoshbambi · 03/10/2021 13:22

You won’t have time to drive them, because now you need that time to make a list. Until next week, if they haven’t done what is on the list, do not argue just say ’ok’. And then don’t give them that lift/wash/cook. That’s a consequence. Arguing with them will most likely bring yourself down more than them, only as happy as your least happy child and all that..

beigebrownblue · 03/10/2021 13:28

And that thing when you ask them to do something, and they can't hear you because they have their headphones on.

'Take the bin down please'. (doesn't hear)
me getting annoyed..
Them
'don't be rude'....

I had already told them I wasn't feeling well.
Guess who has taken the bins out for the past eight years..
Yes, I know my fault.
But through various lockdowns, homeschooling and covid...
If it was a choice between keeping the place hygenic and that, I did it...

beigebrownblue · 03/10/2021 13:30

@Tellmesomethinggirl

AnnieLobeseder. Oh lord I sympathise Flowers

We've had the food thing; I cook a mixture of healthy meals during the week - only one choice - and they can like it or lump it.

The old whinge about "not choosing to be born" should be responded to by a calm "please point to one person on earth who is?"

Followed by a swift "It's entirely down to you whether you want to be a person on earth who smells and wears clothes that aren't clean, or one who sorts themselves out, because I've done it for sixteen years and now it's your turn. I wouldn't want you to go to uni without knowing how."

The MH thing though; I am more sympathetic to that as my teens have genuinely had a rotten time during the pandemic and the most important years of their school education - and now uni - were and are being affected. Your teens response to being asked to do chores is quite unusual for teens I think (mine get outraged and huffy). Are you sure they aren't genuinely depressed? How are they the rest of the time? Do you think they are being manipulative? You know your teens best. If the latter , I would come down quite hard on that.

It's great to have some solidarity on this thread as for a long time I thought it was just me going through this and I was so upset because they did chores and helped out before adolescence struck. Then it all went downhill from there. Sad

Yes, get that thing about having a rotten time... but then surely mums have had a rotten time too?
milki · 03/10/2021 13:41

Solidarity with everyone on this thread! Thanks
I have no advice bcs I am failing spectacularly at getting any respect or appreciation from my teen girls.
@AnnieLobeseder you could be describing my life, all strength to you, it's sooo tough.

SpindleWhirl · 03/10/2021 13:46

Husband now expects me to make a list of jobs I want doing and he'll allocate them tasks. So he helps by giving me another job to do.

I'd do this one last job so they've got no excuses, and no more. And I'd be thorough about it. Detailed.

poohaloo · 03/10/2021 13:49

My now 17 year old cleans his room and does his washing, and cleans up the kitchen after he's made food why? Because for 2 years!!!!!!!!! I refused to clean his room or wash anything unless it was in the basket.
If he left the kitchen in a mess I put it all in a bowl and left it in his bedroom

Harsh but I was absolutely fed up of the total lack of respect.

He's quite clean and tidy now 😀😀

poohaloo · 03/10/2021 13:51

@femfemlicious

Just stop doing everything. Just do stuff for only you. Only cook dinner. Just walk around humming to yourself and ignoring everything
Yes 👏🏼 I've also done this too.... ignore ignore
Justilou1 · 03/10/2021 13:51

Fuck that noise! Leave the teenagers to look after useless, stroppy husband and go out. They can cook, clean and wipe his bum if necessary. He might have to phone or text them to get their attention. He may have to resort to killing the WiFi.

SeaToSki · 03/10/2021 13:53

@SpindleWhirl

Husband now expects me to make a list of jobs I want doing and he'll allocate them tasks. So he helps by giving me another job to do.

I'd do this one last job so they've got no excuses, and no more. And I'd be thorough about it. Detailed.

And the last point on the list is to make a master list for all jobs going forward and allocate responsibility