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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just picked up 15yo daughter from boy's house

115 replies

Butterfly44 · 02/10/2021 01:17

My daughter had a planned sleepover tonight at a friends to celebrate their birthday. Dropped her around 6pm and before I slept tonight I checked on her location for reassurance and saw she wasn't there! I called her to then get an elaborate story but turns out she was at a boy's house (same age). I picked her up and she's now home but very angry and doesn't think there's anything wrong. (Nothing happened, aren't I allowed friends who are boys etc) I'm upset she lied, and need advice on how to handle it in the morning. Feeling a bit heartbroken that our relationship feels fragile right now. She's normally a lovely girl and doesn't want for anything. 😥

OP posts:
Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 02/10/2021 01:25

Thhe suddenly do this speed growing up thing. We have had surprising things like this. THey seem awful but after you speak to toher firiends etc not so much.

Is she your oldest daughter? I would sit down and do a bit of a family planner of what is and isn't ok. You can re-negotiate it in 6 months.

Basically - normal bedtime 10pm, weekend 11pm Staying out til10.45pm, only one sleepoever a week etc. Run it for 2 weeks and then if they have stuck to all the rules it showes they are respectful and want to make it work. Offer to lighten two rules a bit and agree that. It is a bit timeconsuming but can work well. Everyone feels involved.

loafcake · 02/10/2021 01:44

14/15 is the age where teenagers start to push those boundaries and look for more independence I think! As PP said they do feel like they're adults and can do what they want, I know I did!

If I were in your shoes I'd focus on the fact she lied about where she was and as your child that's not okay, set some boundaries on what you're comfortable with, without stifling her too much (you know, reasonably), and have a safe sex/don't do anything you're uncomfortable with talk again just in case!
If you shut everything down and not allow her anything it might make her more inclined to lie and go behind your back.

That idea about the family planner sounds good too, for setting the boundaries

Original poster
Butterfly44 · 02/10/2021 01:46

Yes, she's my eldest. She's like.. what does it matter it's a boy. But the fact she lied and deceived shows she knows it matters. The boy's mum was complicit. I'm not sure how I feel about that. If my son ever wanted to have an underage girl stay the night, innocent or not, I'd want to know the mother was ok with that

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfly44 · 02/10/2021 01:49

This was meant to be the last event for a bit as she's got mocks coming up, so timing is ok for boundary planning!

OP posts:
SticksOutLikeDogsBalls · 02/10/2021 01:55

Am I the only person who thinks that having a locator app on a 15 year olds phone is an absolute breach of her privacy??
At 15 if my mother did this to me, I would seriously never speak to her again!

Hawkins001 · 02/10/2021 01:59

All the best op

Original poster
Butterfly44 · 02/10/2021 02:20

@SticksOutLikeDogsBalls As a family we all use the app. All of us are free to turn off locator.

OP posts:
Tilltheend99 · 02/10/2021 02:22

@SticksOutLikeDogsBalls

Am I the only person who thinks that having a locator app on a 15 year olds phone is an absolute breach of her privacy?? At 15 if my mother did this to me, I would seriously never speak to her again!
I think it’s fine to pick her up, especially if you are suggesting that the boy was older but it does feel a bit unnatural to me compared to my childhood in the 90s where no one's parents knew what we were up to as soon as we were out of their sight.

Just have a sensible conversation about it in the morning. Ask if she didn’t tell you because she felt she couldn’t or because of pressure being put on her by the boy or his family. If she feels she can have an understanding conversation about it with you now then she may feel more able to confide in you in the future about what she is up to.

Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 02:28

@SticksOutLikeDogsBalls

Am I the only person who thinks that having a locator app on a 15 year olds phone is an absolute breach of her privacy?? At 15 if my mother did this to me, I would seriously never speak to her again!
No I agree.
snowdropsandcrocuses · 02/10/2021 02:58

I think it's a condition of having a phone that I pay for. They have to have location turned on. I am a parent at the end of the day and if they want mobile phones and freedom to go out then they have their location turned on. It's a safety measure for us. If anything happens or goes wrong I can find her. If she needs us we know where she will be.

I would be pissed off if I found out my DD15 had lied about where she was spending the night and probably would have considered allowing her to spend the night with a boy if she asked ..... after checking she had the confidence to say no to anything she doesn't want and an understanding of what true consent is.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 02/10/2021 03:21

I'd be wondering why she thought she had to lie in the first place.
Are you unnaproachable/strict?

WellTidy · 02/10/2021 03:32

I did this as a 15 year old, exactly the same thing. As did my boyfriend. I ikff beenyed a party that I was sleeping over at, he invented a sleepover with a friend somewhere else. In reality we went to a friend’s house and just hung out there.

But nobody had a phone tracker! My mum found out - the boy’s family must have thought something was up and called our house and they put two and two together.

My mum clearly thought we were shagging and didn’t speak to me for weeks. We weren’t shagging - ok, we did think about it but decided that we wouldn’t.

sashh · 02/10/2021 04:06

I think you start by thanking her for keeping her phone on her and keeping the tracker app, she could have easily left her phone at the other friend's and you would never have known.

Just talk about it being a safety thing, talk about Sarah Everard, talk about you needing to know where she is and her being able to call you at any time to be picked up if she feels unsafe, uncomfortable, or drunk.

Explain that if she was with another girl at a house you did not know you would still have picked her up.

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 02/10/2021 04:11

@sashh

I think you start by thanking her for keeping her phone on her and keeping the tracker app, she could have easily left her phone at the other friend's and you would never have known.

Just talk about it being a safety thing, talk about Sarah Everard, talk about you needing to know where she is and her being able to call you at any time to be picked up if she feels unsafe, uncomfortable, or drunk.

Explain that if she was with another girl at a house you did not know you would still have picked her up.

This. Talk to her about safety first. Talk to her about trust and permission.

When you say other parent was complicit - do you mean in terms of deceit.

Talk about boundaries, pregnancy, that even the nicest friend can have pressure to do things that aren’t ok

HannaHanna · 02/10/2021 04:31

She lol

Shelddd · 02/10/2021 04:32

I don't know, that's so tricky, she will lie but she is almost certainly sexually active as there is literally no other reason anyone ever stays over at a boys house and lie to your parents about it. Lots of people will say you cant do anything to stop this but I really think you should do everything in your power at that age to prevent this as much as possible... but I know that's not a popular opinion and if you don't agree then just ignore this.

I think everyone (whether girl or boy) who is having regular sleep overs at their friends does this from time to time... that's why you should make sure you trust their friends parents to keep them at home.

I don't know if I would be that upset at your daughter as she is doing what probably any child would do in that situation, they push limits and unfortunately the friends parents showed they don't have any boundaries and don't care what your daughter does when shes over there.

HannaHanna · 02/10/2021 04:35

Sorry, was trying to write -
She’s pretending to be angry because she was caught lying to you. She knows exactly why this was wrong.

It’s ok. She’s pushing boundaries and you are doing your job as a parent. It’s difficult and no fun but all is right with the world.

HannaHanna · 02/10/2021 04:36

Also exactly what @Shelddd said

Original poster
Butterfly44 · 02/10/2021 05:50

Yes @HannaHanna it's difficult and not fun!

She's got a lovely group of friends. They look out for each other and are always at each other's for sleepovers/out etc. I never say no, have trust and don't worry. She's got a lot of freedoms and she knows it.

She didn't lie because I'm unapproachable. Absolutely I wouldn't have allowed her to go stay at a boy's house I'm not familiar with for the night. So she lied. She's so insistent nothing is going on and they are just friends, that it's no different to sleeping at a girl's house . I get that she's 15, wanting to be older faster and pushing those boundaries as she sees others doing.

@Shelddd I definitely am a parent with boundaries and trying to guide her to be happy, safe and to have respect. So far I've been thankful to have mostly that, until tonight. I'm upset that trust is now rocky and my parenting on how I handle it is up for trial in the morning.

@sashh great advice thanks. Safety is another issue. My daughter has a medical condition that she manages. So being somewhere I don't know with someone who isn't clued up is a worry. But more my worry. She won't remember I've already been in twice this night to treat her so it's a godsend really that I found out and brought her home

OP posts:
Shelddd · 02/10/2021 07:18

No matter how strong your relationship is your kids will always lie to you. It's just part of the normal parent child relationship you shouldn't think poorly of them because they lie, it doesn't mean they're a bad person or you did anything wrong. You're an authority figure and they're in their rebellious years (even if they only rebel a very little)... Just gotta navigate these years a little different and just not trust everything at face value.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 02/10/2021 07:25

@SticksOutLikeDogsBalls

Am I the only person who thinks that having a locator app on a 15 year olds phone is an absolute breach of her privacy?? At 15 if my mother did this to me, I would seriously never speak to her again!
No I agree ☝️
beautifullymad · 02/10/2021 07:25

@snowdropsandcrocuses

I think it's a condition of having a phone that I pay for. They have to have location turned on. I am a parent at the end of the day and if they want mobile phones and freedom to go out then they have their location turned on. It's a safety measure for us. If anything happens or goes wrong I can find her. If she needs us we know where she will be.

I would be pissed off if I found out my DD15 had lied about where she was spending the night and probably would have considered allowing her to spend the night with a boy if she asked ..... after checking she had the confidence to say no to anything she doesn't want and an understanding of what true consent is.

This is the same in our family. They can all opt to turn location services off. Then the head of the family gets a warning message that location services are off.

Our newly 15 year old suddenly started to think for himself and disregarded boundaries.

During lockdown he was isolating as a boy sitting behind him had covid. We had a ping a few days later saying location services had been turned off. And as he had previously arranged to meet up with friends in a specific location on that day, we turned up too and surprise surprise he was there having caught the train to meet them.

We brought him home but it was never mentioned again. The humiliation of being taken out of a group and home by your parents at 15 was enough!

Elderflower14 · 02/10/2021 07:56

@SticksOutLikeDogsBalls

Am I the only person who thinks that having a locator app on a 15 year olds phone is an absolute breach of her privacy?? At 15 if my mother did this to me, I would seriously never speak to her again!
As the daughter has broken the trust of her mother I think it's an excellent idea!
Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 08:01

They can all opt to turn location services off. Then the head of the family gets a warning message that location services are off.

So next time he wants to go somewhere you don't want him to he leaves his phone at his friends, so when he is in a possibly dangerous situation he has no phone.

We brought him home but it was never mentioned again. The humiliation of being taken out of a group and home by your parents at 15 was enough!

Humiliating a teen is not the way to build a good and open relationship, humiliating him isn't something you should be proud of.

Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 08:05

As the daughter has broken the trust of her mother I think it's an excellent idea!

The mother didn't trust her, she checked up on her. She can leave home in less than a year.