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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Just picked up 15yo daughter from boy's house

115 replies

Butterfly44 · 02/10/2021 01:17

My daughter had a planned sleepover tonight at a friends to celebrate their birthday. Dropped her around 6pm and before I slept tonight I checked on her location for reassurance and saw she wasn't there! I called her to then get an elaborate story but turns out she was at a boy's house (same age). I picked her up and she's now home but very angry and doesn't think there's anything wrong. (Nothing happened, aren't I allowed friends who are boys etc) I'm upset she lied, and need advice on how to handle it in the morning. Feeling a bit heartbroken that our relationship feels fragile right now. She's normally a lovely girl and doesn't want for anything. 😥

OP posts:

Sally090807 · 02/10/2021 08:05

Was she planning on spending the night with boy, would she of been sharing a room with him and is she nearly 16 or just turned 15?

Gymohithoughtyousaidgin · 02/10/2021 08:11

@SticksOutLikeDogsBalls

Am I the only person who thinks that having a locator app on a 15 year olds phone is an absolute breach of her privacy?? At 15 if my mother did this to me, I would seriously never speak to her again!

Agreed

MrsJackWhicher · 02/10/2021 08:11

We brought him home but it was never mentioned again. The humiliation of being taken out of a group and home by your parents at 15 was enough
This is appalling!
What decent parent would take pride in humiliating their teen?

user1487194234 · 02/10/2021 08:12

Why would any decent parent want to humiliate their child
Can't believe how controlling some parents (sorry head of the family!) are
Great way to ruin any chance of a decent relationship going forward

Holly60 · 02/10/2021 08:13

@SticksOutLikeDogsBalls

Am I the only person who thinks that having a locator app on a 15 year olds phone is an absolute breach of her privacy?? At 15 if my mother did this to me, I would seriously never speak to her again!

Yes I think you might be the only one. Parents have a duty of care towards their children.

I have a locator app on my phone so that my DH can see where I am- he would only check it if he was worried about me for some reason. It’s a sensible safety measure.

TeachesOfPeaches · 02/10/2021 08:17

I would start speaking to your DD about contraception

spotcheck · 02/10/2021 08:19

@SticksOutLikeDogsBalls

Am I the only person who thinks that having a locator app on a 15 year olds phone is an absolute breach of her privacy?? At 15 if my mother did this to me, I would seriously never speak to her again!

All the young'uns have locater apps on their phones and track each other though?

Yes it is a breach of privacy in an older person. A young person still has an obligation to be where they said they would be.

Holly60 · 02/10/2021 08:19

@Ducksurprise

As the daughter has broken the trust of her mother I think it's an excellent idea!

The mother didn't trust her, she checked up on her. She can leave home in less than a year.

She could, but she won’t will she. And even when she does her mum will still be looking out for her. That’s what mums do.

Sometimes mumsnet just completely baffles me. At the very time we are up in arms about the fact that women and girls are so threatened, posters on here are suggesting that a mother should have let her 15 year old walk out the door and not given her a second thought until she walked back in the next day?

In my day you phoned the parent of the other child: ‘hi, it’s ‘daughter’s’ mum, just checking she got there ok? Brilliant, thank you’. I often did that. These days you use a locator app. The principle is the same, I.e our children need parenting until they can make sensible decisions themselves.

The more often I phoned and she was there, the more I trusted her, until it got to the point I didn’t need to phone!

bogeythefungusman · 02/10/2021 08:21

After what's happened to several young women on night's out over the last few months I don't think you're at all unreasonable to want to know where your 15 year old child is going to be overnight if she's not at home with you.

EdgeOfTheSky · 02/10/2021 08:21

Was it a group of them at the boys house or just her?

Peanutsandchilli · 02/10/2021 08:21

@SticksOutLikeDogsBalls

Am I the only person who thinks that having a locator app on a 15 year olds phone is an absolute breach of her privacy?? At 15 if my mother did this to me, I would seriously never speak to her again!

Don't know about your phone but mine tracks through Google maps without any specific app. It's easy to turn off if you want.

Sonofabiscuit · 02/10/2021 08:25

Op .the boy's mother was OK with your dd staying ?
Is she nuts ?
Both underage and if did sleep together would she be happy when police are involved ?

NewtoHolland · 02/10/2021 08:26

My biggest thought would be is she ioen to using long term contraception!

VavavoomHenry · 02/10/2021 08:29

This is tricky. I stayed over night at my boyfriends house at that age (and vice versa). We actually weren’t sleeping together even though we had the opportunity.
I’m a big believer in open communication. Don’t overreact to this, allow her to say what she was hoping. Maybe you won’t let him stay over, but maybe you tell her if she has a boyfriends for 6 months and is over 16 she can? Try to work out a compromise that allows you both to respect and trust the other.

honkytonkheroe · 02/10/2021 08:29

I don’t get the big deal about the location tracker. My 19 year old daughter has put Life360 on my phone so I can see where she is and her me. She has just started uni and upI get alerts to say that she’s left the flat and she gets alerts saying I’ve arrived at work. Why does it matter? My son is 10 and a condition of him having his phone I pay for is that any text messages aren’t private (I have no reason to read them so I don’t because they’re just between him and his friend talking football but I could) and when he is a little older I def want to know where he is.

Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 08:30

@Sonofabiscuit

Op .the boy's mother was OK with your dd staying ? Is she nuts ? Both underage and if did sleep together would she be happy when police are involved ?

Honestly just stop with this. Unless it's a massive dripfeed and the boy is 40 the police are not interested in consensual sex between 15 year olds.

Also, sleeping over isn't the only time teens have sex.

Sonofabiscuit · 02/10/2021 08:34

I know teenagers have sex ,what I'm saying is ,it's one thing to have away from your parents home ,when underage .Its another for a adult to allow two underage children to have sex in their home with their consent.

LargeYorkshirePuddingAndGravy · 02/10/2021 08:36

Sleeping at a boys house is the same as sleeping at a girls house, if they're just friends.

Are you worried about her being sexually actively or just worried she might get pregnant? Because you do know she could be sexually active at a girls house right?

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 02/10/2021 08:36

The big issue here is that the trust has been broken, she’s lied to you because she knew you would say no. Let’s be honest - it’s a typical teenage thing to do, it’s the start of growing up snd trying to make your own decisions.
But those decisions are not always safe or the right ones and as parents we need to point this out!
Was she at the boys house alone or was there a group of them?
I think this morning you can have a discussion about trust, honesty and safety.
I think she needs to realise that going forward you have to be able to trust her. But don’t forget she’s also allowed to have a few secrets from you!! Getting the balance is very tricky!

beautifullymad · 02/10/2021 08:40

@MrsJackWhicher

We brought him home but it was never mentioned again. The humiliation of being taken out of a group and home by your parents at 15 was enough This is appalling! What decent parent would take pride in humiliating their teen?

We had no choice but to approach him to remove him from the group! He was isolating as a direct contact from covid. He shouldn't have been out let alone socialising in a large group. At the time this happened it was against all government guidance.

What should we have done? Just let him infect 20 others so he wasn't upset by us going in and asking him to come home?

I think you and others haven't understood the gravity of the situation. Yes he was humiliated as he was discovered and it wasn't cool to be removed from a social group by his parents. But we didn't purposely humiliate him, we were very discreet.

Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 08:40

@Sonofabiscuit

So in a bus shelter, field or the youth club toilets is OK with you but somewhere clean and safe isn't? Anyway the parents may not have been aware and may not be home. Equally just because they are teens doesn't mean sex was the plan.

StoatMilk · 02/10/2021 08:42

@SticksOutLikeDogsBalls

Am I the only person who thinks that having a locator app on a 15 year olds phone is an absolute breach of her privacy?? At 15 if my mother did this to me, I would seriously never speak to her again!

No, it’s called good parenting.

GoWalkabout · 02/10/2021 08:46

I think this is good parenting. Now just keep talking. Its your job to get in the way of bad stuff happening and sex or sleepovers with a boy or his facilitating parents too soon might be in this category. Now you talk. If she is open and honest then you can work out how to move forward.

Sonofabiscuit · 02/10/2021 08:48

No where at that age is ideal ,but ,we all know it happens .yes in a ideal world it should be in a warm safe place .
There is no ideal world and their are laws in place .

Sonofabiscuit · 02/10/2021 08:50

If you read ops 1st post ,the boy is 15 years old and his mother knew .

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