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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just picked up 15yo daughter from boy's house

115 replies

Butterfly44 · 02/10/2021 01:17

My daughter had a planned sleepover tonight at a friends to celebrate their birthday. Dropped her around 6pm and before I slept tonight I checked on her location for reassurance and saw she wasn't there! I called her to then get an elaborate story but turns out she was at a boy's house (same age). I picked her up and she's now home but very angry and doesn't think there's anything wrong. (Nothing happened, aren't I allowed friends who are boys etc) I'm upset she lied, and need advice on how to handle it in the morning. Feeling a bit heartbroken that our relationship feels fragile right now. She's normally a lovely girl and doesn't want for anything. 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfly44 · 02/10/2021 10:16

[quote FWBNC]@Butterfly44

Does her friends mum go in at night to treat her when she stays there?[/quote]
@FWBNC My daughter is type 1 diabetic. When she's at her friends sleepovers they are all in one room and they prod her or bring her juice if she's going low. I've never had any worries. They are all absolutely fab.

I rarely check locator as I've no real need to, but if I can see her blood sugar levels are diving I will look for reassurance shes where I expect which is what I did yesterday when the drama unfolded.

@EdgeOfTheSky there was not a group of friends round this boy's house. Only her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterfly44 · 02/10/2021 10:23

@IAmSantaOhYesIAm

The big issue here is that the trust has been broken, she’s lied to you because she knew you would say no. Let’s be honest - it’s a typical teenage thing to do, it’s the start of growing up snd trying to make your own decisions. But those decisions are not always safe or the right ones and as parents we need to point this out! Was she at the boys house alone or was there a group of them? I think this morning you can have a discussion about trust, honesty and safety. I think she needs to realise that going forward you have to be able to trust her. But don’t forget she’s also allowed to have a few secrets from you!! Getting the balance is very tricky!
Yes this totally. I don't intend to punish and certainly want to keep what I thought was an honest open communication. I don't want closed doors between us at all. I'm her biggest supporter!

She's still asleep atm, hopefully she'll be in a calmer mind to talk sensibly this morning.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 02/10/2021 10:26

If she has a boyfriend, chances are they are going to have sex. You can’t stop that.

The bit you can control is whether your DD is fully versed on consent and safe sex (and in my view STDs are as big a concern as pregnancy so getting her the pill isn’t the final answer on that) and can have sex somewhere clean, comfortable and safe.

If you’d rather it ends up being a quick shag in a cupboard at a party with no contraception, carry on as you are.

Do we want our teens to hide everything from us because we wade into situations too heavy handed or do we want them to be able to talk to us and tell us where they’re going?

Original poster
Butterfly44 · 02/10/2021 10:26

@ThanksIGotItInMorrisons

Let her watch a couple of movies with you, like Audrey and daisy, and rover red rover , then explain this is why I need to know that you are making sensible decisions. You’re becoming an adult and need to think seriously about things before doing anything. I trust you. But there are people out there who can’t be trusted. And those are the people I’m trying to give you the tools to be able to keep yourself safe from. X
I love this thanks x
OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 02/10/2021 10:29

On the medical condition issue, I also have a life threatening condition. Anyone I slept over with, I would tell and make sure they knew where my meds were and how to use them.

Your DD may have done this but if she didn’t you can remind her how important it is and that any guy who doesn’t take it seriously doesn’t care enough about her to deserve her company.

RampantIvy · 02/10/2021 10:32

I think you need to find out why she left her friend's house. Did they have a fall out?

LittleRen · 02/10/2021 10:37

I’m surprised so many on here think that a locator app on a phone is a bad thing and invasion of privacy particularly after everything that’s been in the news recently about young women. If the daughter is aware of it what’s the big deal.

Gardenlass · 02/10/2021 10:47

I'm glad you were as discreet as possible. My father once burst into a guide meeting which had gone on longer than expected. He yelled at me for being late, in front of the whole room and marched me out. Everyone went quiet and was looking at me. I have never forgotten the humiliation of it, and it was over fifty years ago.

Wondergirl100 · 02/10/2021 10:59

woah I cannot believe people think getting texts when their student daughter leaves their flat is healthy.

Wondergirl100 · 02/10/2021 11:00

re locator apps - I feel very sad for teens that Sarah Everards murder (incredibly rare, very very unlikely to happen and no more likely than at any time in the past) - should be used to frighten them into being tracked.

They need to learn to think for themselves and be responsible - at some point the tracker has to turn off.

PegasusReturns · 02/10/2021 12:01

It's not in mine, for several reasons but mostly because it encourages the teenager to leave their phone behind when up to mischief

Do you actually have teens who go out? I’ve yet to meet one who doesn’t need to be surgically detached from their phone and anyway they all know that putting their phone in flight mode is the way to handle unwanted tracking!

I guess it depends on how much latitude you give your DC. Mine aren’t prohibited from going places and have no/generous curfews. The reason I check up on them is safety. Not to catch them out.

Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 12:12

Do you actually have teens who go out?

I'm nearly through my second set of teenagers and have nearly teens. I know it happens because I see it, regularly. Not from kids who have parents like you, who allow age appropriate curfews and are only concerned about real saftey. But from kids whose parents get notifications when the phone turns off, or is low in battery or if they stray over the geographical curfew area that they are allowed in. My current teens have a lot of friends and it is a very small minority who have such helicopter parents, I only ever share on here because I know these parents think their teens (one now late teens) never do anything not allowed and yet I know different.
I also know that if these parents found out they would be horrified that I have not told them but it is not my place. I will never lie for my children, if a parent contacted me I would say what I know.

As you say there is a massive difference between saftey and catching them out.

Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 12:13

@INeedNewShoes

On the medical condition issue, I also have a life threatening condition. Anyone I slept over with, I would tell and make sure they knew where my meds were and how to use them.

Your DD may have done this but if she didn’t you can remind her how important it is and that any guy who doesn’t take it seriously doesn’t care enough about her to deserve her company.

This is an excellent post. For your dd the type of person that she is staying with is much more important than the location.
honkytonkheroe · 02/10/2021 12:45

@Wondergirl100

woah I cannot believe people think getting texts when their student daughter leaves their flat is healthy.
I don't get why it's unhealthy. She's an adult and does what she wants. Do you also think it's unhealthy her knowing I've left work? For her, that indicates to her that it's a good time to ring me. Similarly, I would assume that if she has left the flat, she is walking with friends and not a good time for me to ring her. My friend has the same for her 17 year old daughter and can see that she's still at work and obviously asked to do extra hours so won't need a lift soon. There are no secrets in any of this as I speak to her almost daily (has only been at uni two weeks) so I would know where she was going because she would have said. During freshers she was getting in at 4.30am some nights. I got notified but she would have said anyway because it's up to her what she does. All I care is that she's happy and safe.
Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 13:20

Honky yes I do find it weird that she gets notifications of where you are, I find it weird if a dh got one. I don't operate on fear or mistrust, that's not living. I do think being able to locate someone in a genuine emergency is important but what you suggest is claustrophobic and controlling.

Nocutenamesleft · 02/10/2021 13:29

@sashh

I think you start by thanking her for keeping her phone on her and keeping the tracker app, she could have easily left her phone at the other friend's and you would never have known.

Just talk about it being a safety thing, talk about Sarah Everard, talk about you needing to know where she is and her being able to call you at any time to be picked up if she feels unsafe, uncomfortable, or drunk.

Explain that if she was with another girl at a house you did not know you would still have picked her up.

This. 100%
honkytonkheroe · 02/10/2021 13:33

@Ducksurprise there’s no control. We go about our lives freely, both being independent adults. It would only be controlling if I had a say in what she did or her me. You can’t control someone by simply observing.

carolinesbaby · 02/10/2021 13:40

It's not what she did that would upset me, it's the lying about it. Let's face it though, we've all done it. I used to tell my mum I was sleeping at my mate's house and then get the last train to Sheffield (75 miles away!) and go clubbing all night then catch the 5am train back and go straight to college. I treated her appallingly.
Then we grow up and have daughters of our own and we're all shocked when they behave in exactly the same way we did ourselves.

Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 14:05

[quote honkytonkheroe]@Ducksurprise there’s no control. We go about our lives freely, both being independent adults. It would only be controlling if I had a say in what she did or her me. You can’t control someone by simply observing.[/quote]
Horses for courses, I'm glad it works for you and fwiw you don't sound controlling with it but honestly the thought of someone knowing where I was all the time makes my skin crawl, but maybe that says more about me, although I live a very boring normal life.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/10/2021 14:16

Tracking on sarah everards phone would not have prevented what happened to her.

PegasusReturns · 02/10/2021 14:23

Tracking on sarah everards phone would not have prevented what happened to her

Probably not and I don’t want to talk about the specifics of Sarah Everard, but tracking definitely allows for the possibility of an early alert.

I will track my DD when she walks the dog in the dark. Or walking home from the tube. She’s too old (17) for me to prevent her walking on her own, or insist on picking her up, but too young to think she’s anything other than invincible.

So I track her and if there was unusual activity I’d be able to respond.

Changemusthappen · 02/10/2021 14:23

My 15 year old DS has the location on, he doesn't seem to mind.

Personally I expect my 14/15/16 year olds to tell me where they are, for their own safety. Yes she lied, she knew you would say 'no'. If she says that they are 'just friends' then that needs more discussion. Does she understand that he might not see it that way? Frankly I would say it is unusual to go back to the house of the opposite sex alone and I would also say that she was vulnerable. Ask her what she would have done if he had tried it on and persisted if she said 'no'. Ask her if she understands that he, and many in society today, would think that she knew what potentially could happen if she went to his house (this is NOT my view btw) and therefore she was effectively 'giving consent'. Tell her that other parents often don't give a toss about other peoples children (and remind yourself that other parents often have very very different 'standards' to our own). The fact this mother did nothing tells you a lot, I would have been asking for the numbers of the girls parents, especially mother.

You sounds a lovely mum and imo are right to be concerned about this. Has your daughter seen the 'Everyone's Invited', this is very real and is happening everyday in schools, on school buses etc. She needs to protect herself and not allow herself to be in a vulnerable position.

PegasusReturns · 02/10/2021 14:24

@Ducksurprise thanks for answering.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 02/10/2021 14:34

SticksOutLikeDogsBalls when I see comments like that I always wonder whether it's a 15 year old or someone who's got a vested interested in shaming parents for safeguarding their under age children posting.
A breach of privacy only applies if the child is being tracked without their knowledge. It does not apply when the child knows the location software is active and their parents reciprocate by activating theirs so their children can equally track the parents' location.

When my DD turned 16 her location tracker automatically deactivated, and when we told her it had she chose to turn it back on - she also finds it useful to be able to track us.

The fact it didn't exist in the 80s/ 90s doesn't mean it isn't a sensible safeguarding and practical tool, used openly and reciprocally.

In the 90s my parents had no idea where I was, but that wasn't necessarily a good thing. In the 70s, 80s and 90s many parents turned a blind eye to their under aged daughters being predated upon by men in their 20s and 30s, especially when the men had money/ a good job. Things that were considered okay by a lot of people then aren't all actually ok.

LargeYorkshirePuddingAndGravy · 02/10/2021 14:37

Some parents on here are verging on the edge of stalking their own kids. God help them when they're adults and their partner wants to know their every move too and they think it's reasonable behaviour.