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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just picked up 15yo daughter from boy's house

115 replies

Butterfly44 · 02/10/2021 01:17

My daughter had a planned sleepover tonight at a friends to celebrate their birthday. Dropped her around 6pm and before I slept tonight I checked on her location for reassurance and saw she wasn't there! I called her to then get an elaborate story but turns out she was at a boy's house (same age). I picked her up and she's now home but very angry and doesn't think there's anything wrong. (Nothing happened, aren't I allowed friends who are boys etc) I'm upset she lied, and need advice on how to handle it in the morning. Feeling a bit heartbroken that our relationship feels fragile right now. She's normally a lovely girl and doesn't want for anything. 😥

OP posts:
EarPlugAfficionado · 02/10/2021 08:51

[quote Butterfly44]@SticksOutLikeDogsBalls As a family we all use the app. All of us are free to turn off locator. [/quote]
I don’t agree. 15 is a child.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/10/2021 08:52

I’m very anti tracking apps but at 15 I prob would have done it to one of mine. Tricky age. However older teens … madness. Uni students with parents tracking them 🤦‍♀️

PegasusReturns · 02/10/2021 08:56

I have locator apps on my DCs phones. It’s a condition of me paying for their phones and contracts.

DC1 will be 18 next year and then it’ll come off but as a minor living in my house that’s the deal.

I don’t use it routinely but I will monitor it when they’re coming home late at night or if I can’t get hold of them I’ll check where they are.

It’s good parenting in my view.

FluffyTeddyBear · 02/10/2021 08:56

For me I think the important thing here is that she understands that it is paramount for her safety and for you to trust your relationship that she is honest.

The fact she felt the need to deceive you is what is most hurtful and if she wanted to sleep at a boys house, that’s a discussion for you to have and agree to so you know where she is.

What would it turn into as she grows?

She must have seen the news coverage of Sarah everard. What if she does something similar in the future, has an argument and has to leave them and can’t call you because she lied, and gets in an awful and potentially dangerous situation?

It’s time for some frank discussions about safety and respect.

Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 08:56

@Sonofabiscuit

If you read ops 1st post ,the boy is 15 years old and his mother knew .
I did but got derailed.

Maybe the mum asked the daughter if her parents knew and she lied to them.

HalzTangz · 02/10/2021 08:57

@Sonofabiscuit

If you read ops 1st post ,the boy is 15 years old and his mother knew .
His mother had probably been told that they girl's mother knew she was there, which maybe why she was complicent
Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 08:58

It’s good parenting in my view

It's not in mine, for several reasons but mostly because it encourages the teenager to leave their phone behind when up to mischief.

ineedsun · 02/10/2021 09:01

So she was staying at a boys house not a girls house? We’re they going to have sex?

If so I wonder if you’re focussing on the wrong thing here, you’re focussing on the punishing her for not being where she said she’d be, sounds like she may turn the location thing off, she’s unlikely to stop wanting to have sex but now she won’t talk to you and you won’t know where she is.

Surely you need to talk to her rationally when you’ve both calmed down and explain to her why you were worried, talk about how to be an adult, she is going to do it anyway so surely it’s better that she does that with your support and safely than hidden away lying.

Evesgarden · 02/10/2021 09:02

You can absolutely check up on your kids at 15. They are not mini adults and do not yet have the emotional maturity to be given a free licence. I was pregnant at 15, I taught 15 year olds - they need more guidance at this age than ever.

OP the likely hood is that this lad is her boyfriend or they are seeing each other. Dont buy in to 'we are just friends'

Your dd isn't your friend she is still your child who needs your protection.
What I would suggest is that you and her talk about her going on the pill and having that really awkward talk about sexual health, expectations ect.

However you absolutely do not need to be facilitating your dd sex life in your home or his. Kids are not regularly going about shagging in bushes despite what people on here think. And if they think their kids are really are shagging in fields then they need to have a really long conversation with their kids about sex respect.

Sonofabiscuit · 02/10/2021 09:03

More than likely as teens lie .

Evesgarden · 02/10/2021 09:05

@Sonofabiscuit

More than likely as teens lie .
Jesus - they are expert liars.
gogohm · 02/10/2021 09:06

I'll be honest, didn't many of us do this as teens except nobody was snooping on us! If I was her I would be very unhappy you tracked her, yes she lied but because she knew you would not allow it. At 15 she's very close to being an adult so you need an honest conversation on boundaries now and when they will change, plus she's right, why is it ok to stay at a girls but not a boys if it's platonic? Obviously you only have her word but my dd has male platonic friends who she stayed with and a serious boyfriend

User7261498 · 02/10/2021 09:13

I was like this at 15. Trying to force me to stop would never have worked and made me extremely resentful. In hindsight I think what I needed was not to be told point blank I couldn't do things (I would still find a way) but come to some kind of agreement (never had this). Secondly, my parents also never talked to me about safe sex and as a result I was having sex as a teenager and would regularly get the morning after pill even when I didn't need it (such as they wore condoms). Then when I was having sex regularly at 16/17 with my boyfriend he would often use the withdrawal method. It's a miracle I didn't get pregnant. Just some basic education would have really helped! Instead I was told I simply couldn't have sex because I was too young. OK then.
I would have hated the tracking app and would have definitely turned it off or left my phone behind especially after this incident. But I can recognise the importance of safety so I really think you need to some how come to a compromise. Maybe allowing sleepovers but requesting they sleep in separate beds? You must realise she will continue to do as she pleases you cannot stop her, but what you can do is come to some sort of arrangement you are comfortable with, meet in the middle and compromise.

Anotherhill · 02/10/2021 09:19

The risks today must be much higher than years ago, as the opportunities to befriend people online are so much easier.
The OP didn't know it was a 15 year old - it could just have easily been a 30 yea4 old.

We use find iphone on our kids -switched off when they leave home. Its main use is so they can find their phones around the house, but also useful when they're at parties in the middle of nowhere, but their directions have been rubbish.

Mammaaof · 02/10/2021 09:21

The most stress I had is worrying one of my mother's friends would see me somewhere I shouldn't be 😂 didn't have tracking then!
Although I did have a phone but my mother would never check it, and 10 years on its something I look back and think I really respect her for trusting me! Even tho I did lie about where I was going sometimes 😂

FWBNC · 02/10/2021 09:23

@Butterfly44

Does her friends mum go in at night to treat her when she stays there?

SammyScrounge · 02/10/2021 09:44

@Ducksurprise

As the daughter has broken the trust of her mother I think it's an excellent idea!

The mother didn't trust her, she checked up on her. She can leave home in less than a year.

It turned out that her mother was right not to trust her. The girl lied for an obvious reason and had the cheek to be angry because she was caught out. Her self righteousness was nauseating. She would have to work hard to regain my trust. Sleepovers banned for a time since she cannot be trusted not to lie. Did this boy's mother know she was lying and went along with it or did she think you had agreed to let your underage daughter sleepover? Neither option is very appealing. You should find out from your daughter which this woman is.If she was complicit in deception your must realise she's irresponsible and taken it upon herself to decide on your daughter's behaviour. But I think it's more likely she:s been deceived as well.

For starters the daughter should be grounded and she should not have her phone for a while. She should have the safety talk and be reminded of poor Sarah
Everard. Also a discussion on the importance of honesty. More than anything, honesty.

goawayalcg · 02/10/2021 09:49

Both underage and if did sleep together would she be happy when police are involved ?

I knew this ridiculousness would soon appear.

B1rthis · 02/10/2021 09:50

I think you should confront the parent after you have disciplined your daughter.

It's a disgrace that she thought it was acceptable to be deceitful. She's an adult and needs to know what is/isnt acceptable within your family boundaries.

I would ask your daughter how she would react if it had been a sibling. Ask her what sort of punishment she feels should fit the crime. Include scenarios of what risks she put herself in.

sashh · 02/10/2021 09:50

@user1487194234

Why would any decent parent want to humiliate their child Can't believe how controlling some parents (sorry head of the family!) are Great way to ruin any chance of a decent relationship going forward
You can humiliate a 15 year old by:

Looking at them the wrong way
Giving them a lift to school because it is chucking it down
Turning up at parents' evening
Offering to give them money
Asking how their day was
Complementing their choice of clothes

Seriously am I the only one who can remember being a teen?

Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 09:54

sashh no that is embarrassing a teen, and I agree anything and everything is embarrassing. Humiliation is a cruel and controlling way to parent.

Ducksurprise · 02/10/2021 09:57

She should have the safety talk and be reminded of poor Sarah Everard

Please don't say this, there is nothing that Sarah could have done to keep herself safe, no safety talk would have saved her, to imply so is to victim blame.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 02/10/2021 09:59

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I'd be wondering why she thought she had to lie in the first place. Are you unnaproachable/strict?
Because 15 year old girls should not be staying overnight with boys!!!!
Nousernameforme · 02/10/2021 10:10

15 yo girls and boys will find a way and standing in that way leads to lies and hiding.
@Butterfly44 because she has this condition it is a bit different, can you approach it from that side. As in look you had to be treated last night what would have happened if you were somewhere I didn't know about. Can 15yo boy deal with the treatment are you able to sort it out there yourself.
I would also want birth control sorted now and I would say so it's in place should she need it.
I would also have a word about tricking you as to where she really was and how it puts the people she was supposed to be with in an awkward position.
Don't be angry just be matter of fact

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 02/10/2021 10:12

Let her watch a couple of movies with you, like Audrey and daisy, and rover red rover , then explain this is why I need to know that you are making sensible decisions. You’re becoming an adult and need to think seriously about things before doing anything. I trust you. But there are people out there who can’t be trusted. And those are the people I’m trying to give you the tools to be able to keep yourself safe from. X