What's the one piece of advice you would give to someone with a teenager?

[CupoTeap]

So D.C. is 13 and it's starts to feel very different and I need your best advice.

Ours are perfectly competent adults whose company we continue to enjoy. Although the youngest rang her father from London this morning because she had a pigeon in her flat and wanted him to sort it out. Maybe they still need us sometimes.

I think it’s really, really sad when parents abdicate responsibility for sixteen year old on the premise they are ‘nearly adults’.

I don't think it's about abdicating responsibility at all, but it's about guiding rather than controlling. I don't actually believe that you can stop a 16yo from smoking or force them to study. So many kids just do what they like when their parents aren't looking, and the parents have no clue. For me, by that age, it's more about persuasion than control...helping them to make good decisions, rather than making those decisions for them.

Whereas for us, it started at a young age, teaching and guiding them towards the expectations we had. The point being that parents absolutely should be looking. Force is too strong a word. Actively encouraging and setting the rules is very different from ‘leaving them to get on with it’ as they’ll be an adult in a few years.

The rules are obeyed because you have built the respectful relationship already. It doesn’t suddenly happen at fifteen.

Completely agree that you need to start when they're young and that the respectful relationship needs to be in place already. However, where I differ is with regard to the emphasis on parents setting rules that the kids are expected to obey. If you've done enough groundwork when they're younger, then the rules are superfluous. If you haven't, then you're fighting a lost cause.

Learn to read their body language and communication. My teen thinks she can poker/face me but I can read her face when a switch trips or she stops listening. Even when they’re not communicating, they’re communicating, you just have to learn the new language. I agree side by side talks can draw more out, but even just watching them you can see behind the eyes.

If you’ve younger children, they have to be guided as to what is suitable conversation and what isn’t age-appropriate at the dinner table. Teen crusades against meat-eating, misogyny, and school rules can be upsetting for little ones.

Learn to say nothing while saying something. ‘Gosh, that’s a tricky one.’ ‘Yeah, I hear you.’

Try to guide them in what they share about themselves. There is ferocious tribalism on- and off-line, and mine seem to want to tie ALL their flags publicly to their social media (a struggle for me.)

The three Ts: toddlers, teens and terrorists - negotiation not confrontation.

Love love love them. It’s amazing to see them develop; it’ll bring out the worst and best of your own teen self and you might wish they emerge better or different.

Listen to your own advice.

Agree with all this especially pick your battles. I'm not fussed about rudeness every now and then .

Be interested to know experiences on helping teens when their friends are having issues. Dd is 13 and has 3 friends who are self harming. She seems fine and talks to me but it seems an enormous thing for her to be dealing with (although obviously way worse for the girls doing it ). I reported one to the school safeguarding as she saw the (new) cuts (and there was other worrying stuff disclosed too) but the other two have told her they are but not shown her anything. I'm a bit lost on this one .

Definitely pick your battles wisely. Some things are better just to let go.

Oh and listen. Sometimes they will tell you something without telling you if you know what I mean!

Mine aren’t teenagers yet, but when I was a teenager someone gave my mum this advice.
“Pick your battles. Ignore the door slamming, the loud music, the shouting. Choose one or 2 rules that are important and stick to them”. My mum decided she wanted to know who I was with and where I was. And she never said I couldn’t go. So when I was out underage in the local nightclub, she knew. She knew who I was there with and she knew who’s house I was going back to. All my friends parents thought they were watching a movie with popcorn at a friends house.

Pick your battles as everyone else said.

Bite your tongue over the small stuff.

And know where they are, even if you don’t approve it’s better to know so you can go dig them out of a hole if necessary than them try to cope with something themselves and make an even bigger mess.

And once they’re 17 find out where the Jesus handle is before you need it

Longestfewdaysupcoming is that a typo or regional slang or an insider joke ... please elaborate!

You need to find the Jesus handle on your car before they learn to drive 😂😂

Longestfewdaysupcoming oh - to hang on to?
Where I live parents aren't allowed to teach children to drive, there's a legal minimum number of both theory and practical driving lessons which have to be from a registered instructor to ensure it costs at least €1000 to get a driving license so perhaps its mitigated here! My eldest is doing her motorcycle lessons atm - whole different kettle of fish...

They're selfish beyond belief but it's not who they are it's a stage and they do grow out of it.

They cause you more grief than a baby in a mental way

Oh and always always keep the conversation flowing about all kinds of things so they know your door is always open and you can talk to them

It's not what you say but how you live your life and the example that you set, that helps your children develop strong moral standards.
Be ready to listen for as long as they need. Try not to speak or act in haste.
Show them how much you love them. Don't treat them like the enemy or make them feel that all they are to you is a source of worry(not always easy!) .

Give them responsibility and an appropriate level of independance. Encourage good relationships with Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles etc. Sometimes they don't want to discuss things with you or benefit from the support/opinion of other trusted adults.

Be their parent and not their friend.

Get Bark on their phone

Show your infallibility and imperfection.

Ask for their help with things so they feel all super powered. Even take their advice on some things! Makes them feel very grown up and breeds confidence in taking on responsibilities

Pick your battles. If they ask for something think before you say no, and explain why it is a no.

Agree about the toddler advice, are they tired, hungry, thirsty? But don't tell them they are, just suggest they get a glass of water/something to eat while you think.