What's the one piece of advice you would give to someone with a teenager?

[CupoTeap]

So D.C. is 13 and it's starts to feel very different and I need your best advice.

Definitely pick your battles and don't sweat the small stuff. It doesn't matter if their bedroom is messy or you don't like their clothes.

If you want to be treated with respect, then treat them with respect.

Be interested in what matters to them.

Recognise that they are transitioning from childhood to adulthood and show that you have faith in their abilities.

Keep your promises and show that you can be trusted.

Listen to them, and change your position on stuff if they put up a convincing argument.

Explain your decisions. Because I said so won't cut it with a teenager. And be prepared to negotiate.

Make sure they know without question that you're on their team, that you want them to be happy.

Be yourself. My teens - 16 and 14- now know that their mother is not the mam they had pre 10, they know : she is soft as a marshmallow but can be hard as nails when she's pissed off; she swears; she's funny and silly; she's emotional; she's very smart; she's done everything they're ever likely to imagine doing; she's had a life which is actually dead interesting; she is fair; she is fiercely protective; she's a bitch with PMT; she's generous; she doesn't give much of a shit about most things/ what people think; she's no pushover; she will lose her shit over lying/ rudeness/ wet towels on the floor/ food in bedrooms/ if you wear your clothes 5 days straight (DS2!).

Be honest always.

It's only seven years.

@newnortherner111

It's only seven years.

🤣

excellent. very useful.
don't write a book

Their mouth's are generally a few seconds ahead of their brains, so don't take the comments you see as spiteful to heart.

@newnortherner111

It's only seven years.

It's nine years. Mine have just descended from uni. The house was spotless yesterday. It is now a bomb site in every single room. There are cups and plates in every single room. They have forgotten their housetraining and I've had to refrain from barking like a dog at them.

Don’t forget they are still children and you are still their parent. You get to make the rules and they get to uphold them.

Second would be don’t make or allow too many excuses and focus on ensuring they continue to reach their potential achievements.

Pick your battles. Otherwise your whole lives will be one long argument. Consider what’s really important to take issue with and what’s probably just a harmless (if irritating) phase.

Pick your battles just like with a toddler

Laugher can defuse strops if caught at the right time

@FourTurnings

Pick your battles. Otherwise your whole lives will be one long argument. Consider what’s really important to take issue with and what’s probably just a harmless (if irritating) phase.

Totally agree with this. I can't stand it if they are rude and dismissive to us but can tolerate their endless horrendous mess because they just forget. Their minds are constantly elsewhere. Had to ask DS1 about 12 tines today to remove his mountain of uni bags from the hall and take them upstairs. But no need for a row.

Don’t forget they are still children and you are still their parent. You get to make the rules and they get to uphold them.

Actually, I disagree with this. As they get older, it becomes more of a negotiation, and I think that actually leads to much healthier, more respectful relationships. Asserting your power as the adult and expecting teenagers to just fall into line isn't really reasonable. They might do what you say, but at what cost to the relationship.

Don't let your teenager and their mates hang around outside your house all the time pisses neighbours off.

AlexaShutUp. We’re going to have to agree to disagree. They are children and remain a parental responsibility until they reach eighteen. I don’t know any reasonable parent that would suddenly expect full adulthood without support at eighteen, come to that.

I don’t think setting very clear expectations leads to clarity and respect. That’s not without consideration of their views, but final say suits with parents. We can pretend to give them autonomy but it is a false autonomy, isn’t it? They can make a few minor decisions, but the important stuff remains a parental responsibility.

Listen to other people when they tell you how lovely your teen is. They save all their worst behaviour for you behind closed doors but if they offer to carry their granny's heavy bag or get up and give someone struggling a seat on the bus, if they smile at a passing toddler then they've got goodness inside them and they will turn out okay.
How they can be with you at this point in their lives is not how they will be in the end. I'm sure I got that advice from the "Get out of my life...." book and it always stuck with me

Buy each of them a set of coloured towels then they can’t help themselves to a fresh one each time and you know whose is whose.
Don’t stop hugging them however big they get. Even if they appear not to like it, everyone needs some physical affection.
Get to know their friends by making them welcome, your teen will be more likely to talk to you about them and you’ll know when something is wrong.
If you are lucky enough that they do confide in you and they tell you something that makes you panic/angry/worry it’s ok to calmly say ‘interesting, Let me have a think about that and get back to you’.
Don’t waste your time nagging about a tidy room forget it exists, clean it for them before they need to revise.
I really like Phillipa Perry- the book you wish your parents had read- and your kids will be glad you did.

this to will pass

Girl or boy?

I don’t have teenagers yet myself but thinking back to how I was, I would say this…
Go off how they behave if they feel they are more grown up and can handle some responsibility then give it a little at a time, let them make their own mistakes but keep communication open so they know they can come to you for guidance/advice whatever the situation.
I always tell my younger children that as long as they are honest with me they won’t be in trouble and together we will find a way to fix the issue xx

That if you don't enjoy being a parent of teens, that's fine. We all have phases of our children's lives which we find nicer/easier and awful/more difficult. I have always loved mine, obviously, but I found babies and primary school age 'pleasant but meh', teenagers hideous, and toddlers absolutely brilliant.

However much you pick your battles etc, you might still end up with one who is a complete PITA drama llama and who makes every minute feel like about 15 years (youngest DC, I am looking at you).

That is just as much ok as finding them funny, interesting, engaged, etc (I hope you find the latter, btw!)

@LemonRoses

AlexaShutUp. We’re going to have to agree to disagree. They are children and remain a parental responsibility until they reach eighteen. I don’t know any reasonable parent that would suddenly expect full adulthood without support at eighteen, come to that.

I don’t think setting very clear expectations leads to clarity and respect. That’s not without consideration of their views, but final say suits with parents. We can pretend to give them autonomy but it is a false autonomy, isn’t it? They can make a few minor decisions, but the important stuff remains a parental responsibility.

Yes, happy to agree to disagree, but I think it's precisely because it's unreasonable to expect them to become adults overnight that it's important to start gradually transferring responsibility over to them. A few minor decisions won't prepare them for much at all.

A lot depends on the quality of your relationship. If you have a strong relationship with your kids, it really isn't necessary to assert your authority over them anyway.

@ragged

Listen. Don't tell them what to do, help them decide how to make good decisions & be brave enough to do it when the trade-offs are difficult.

Be someone they want to take their problems to.

Completely agree with this.

Be available when they need to talk, don't leap in with your own opinions, help them find their own answers.

Accept that they're evolving into adults and need to have agency.

Also, if you don't want them hanging around the streets you have to provide an alternative. Our house is always open to their friends and dh and I are happy to give them the run of the living room and pay for pizza every now and then.

(14 and 17 yos here)

Start each day afresh. So if there has been words or a battle over something you the parent get over it and move on.
Encourage their friends to come round as at least you know where they are..this might mean feeding hungry teens but your kids will like that their friends feel at home.
Sometimes leaving a note or texting gets things done like rooms as they switch off at the sound of your voice giving instructions
Teach them to drive as soon as you can
Enjoy them as they can be very entertaining

Enjoy them as they can be very entertaining

I agree, teenagers can be great company. I love their energy and fresh eyes on the world.

AlexaShutUp. Yes they do need to learn to take responsibility, but big decisions remain parental responsibility. Abdication results in children who are poorly qualified for anything. They need, perhaps more than ever, to understand boundaries and expectations to steer them through adolescence into adulthood.

They can decide what they wear or what they eat. They cannot decide whether to smoke, whether to go to Reading, whether doing household chores is an oppressive act that undermines climate change or whether to work for their exams. They cannot decide to drive in a car with four overexcited seventeen year olds, nor whether to get a tattoo.

At eighteen is soon enough to make those sort of decisions. I guess they’re still teenagers then, so maybe we don’t disagree too much.

I think it’s really, really sad when parents abdicate responsibility for sixteen year old on the premise they are ‘nearly adults’.

You will get through it .... I remember weeping tears of frustration over my teenage DS, now he's a 20 year old Uni student, got a First at the end of his second year, responsible, holiday job lined up ... going to his first wedding as an 'adult' this weekend and he said to me this evening 'I got a £50 John Lewis voucher as a wedding present, do you think that's alright?' I was very proud ignoring the fact that he didn't even send me a Mother's Day card .