What's the one piece of advice you would give to someone with a teenager?

[CupoTeap]

So D.C. is 13 and it's starts to feel very different and I need your best advice.

They rarely do anything to deliberately hurt or anger you, but the brain development of teens is selfish. If you put yourself in their shoes, you can often see the logic to their behaviour and this can help you address it in a more useful way. ‘Connection before correction’

Conversations are often best done side to side rather than face to face. I get much more out of mine if we are walking or in the car.

Have a 19 and 14 year old. My one piece of advice would be, relax a bit, show them how to be decent human beings, give advice when they ask for it, don't give them an unnecessary hard time over school and exams (they get enough of that at school!) and things really will be ok.

Pick and choose your battles and always let them know you are there

I have a 17 and 19 year old. I would say it’s really important to keep some lines of connection open that bring you together in a non-forced way. In my case it’s probably the cats and tv programmes. We have a pair of young cats, and texting or whatsapping a photo of what one of them is up to is a quick way on keeping in touch. Even if we have had “words”, or a dc is being stressy / grumpy/ uncommunicative, a photo of a cat in a box goes a long way.

We’ve also had great success with tv watching. With young teens you may need to go a bit more grown up than you may ideally like (or at least give up censoring), but in a way that’s part of the shared experience. We’ve done The Good Place, Brooklyn 99 and Parks &Rec and really enjoyed them.

Niche, and yours are currently too young, but the offer of a glass of wine or beer will lure them downstairs and into engagement. Yesterday DS came down and sat at the kitchen counter with a glass of wine while I was cooking and was fairly chatty and helped out with a few bits and pieces. It was actually like having one of your mates there.

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Mine are still so little but really enjoying these! Going to bookmark for when I need them! I always find picking your battles confusing through! For example, is being rude or back chat one to let slide? To me that seems like a pretty big deal, mutual respect etc.

Get a locked cupboard for any snack food you need to last longer than three hours.

Teens will do what teens will do. You'll either know about it or they'll do it behind your back.
Be reasonable with them. Talk things through. Respect them and hopefully a mutual respect will mean they will consider your feelings and know that a no is for a good reason because you've talked about it.

Do not judge or shame them for exploring their sexuality.

Get a dog! Then at least something in the house will always be happy to see you, and teens will always have something to love even when they decide the rest of the household hates them. This is not just a lighthearted reply - our dog really is the centre of our home at the moment.

And yes, cupboard locks for food is an excellent one I hadn't thought of. I just have many hiding places!

It doesn't have to be a battle, theyre allowed to feel grumpy/ sad/ fed up/ stressed sometimes - reassure thrm its normal and don't whatever you do demand that they plaster on a fake smile to make you feel better.

Give them as much independence as you can personally cope with (!) and don't sweat the small stuff.

Stop treating them like children. If they don't do their homework, who is going to get it in the neck? They are. If they leave all their dirty clothes on their bedroom floor, who's going to run out of clothes? They are.
Just give them one casual reminder and leave it at that.

Don’t take anything they say or do personally.
If you want them to do something (tidy their room) as long as it gets done ignore the huffing, puffing and moaning about it.
Remind them that you love them and are always here for them. No topic is off bounds and you’ll always try to help them without judgement.

Pick your battles

Pick your battles

Be aware that if they’re telling you something that’s seemingly in passing then there’s probably something behind it

Have (sensible) boundaries and stick to them - they like to know they’re safe, even though they might strop about your unreasonableness. Be their parent, not their mate.

Give them ‘get out’ strategies if they’re out somewhere and feel unsafe

Let them know that they don’t have to do anything they’re not comfortable with (within reason obvs - homework does not count)

Ask them to think about what they would do if they were in your position - what do they think is reasonable?

Family WhatsApp for daft conversation and silly nonsense

They do (in the vast majority of cases) come out of it ok - just sit back, roll your eyes inwardly, keep your sense of humour (look at YouTube for Kevin the Teenager - so funny!) and enjoy the dramas

ilkleymoorbartat being rude is absolutely not allowed - I'm not rude to mine, they're not rude to me (16 and 13). It depends what you mean by backchat though - negotiation and debate ate allowed but they know, because I've been telling them since they were about 3, that DH and my job is to help them grow up to be the best adults they can be, with the best life chances, and that our decisions are made with that in mind, so so far they do accept that debate and negotiation goes so far but we have the final say when necessary. We do listen to them and adapt if they make compelling cases (not "all my friends..." )

Oh - and tell them often that you love them a lot

And the other one is to try to remember back to being a teenager yourself.
A lot of the time they're a lot more sensible and resourceful than we give them credit for.

Listen.
Don't tell them what to do, help them decide how to make good decisions & be brave enough to do it when the trade-offs are difficult.

Be someone they want to take their problems to.

DS1 is 13 now… I would value this advice so much from those with older teens. I know these are such important years and I don’t want them to pass in a fog of disagreements about video games (our no 1 point of contention right now)!

@ragged spot on!

It’s a tricky stage (not for everyone but certainly I found it hard at times) One thing I do that drives my teens mad is try to see the other persons side- say if they have argued with a friend, I sometimes try to explore why but they would rather I just listened to them get it off their chests.
As my eldest heads in to her 20’s, she often asks my advice so it wasn’t forever.

All of the above. Also I never set curfew, I just tell them to make sure they aren't coming home alone from whatever party - that way they generally have to abide by whatever curfew their friends have been set .

Teenagers do daft things, their judgement can be really off. Support them, trust them and love them. Help them to own their mistakes, relax and move on. I thought I'd hate the teenage years, but so far it's fine. I love the people that my three are growing/have grown into.

MaMelon 's are good.

Also do things gradually - don't treat them as helpless spun sugar infants until they're 12 years 364 days then remove all the boundaries and support and rules at once! If they have an 8:30pm bedtime and you wait on them hand and foot and arrange their social life and drive or escort them everywhere at 11-12 you need to teach some independence skills not just throw your hands up at 13 and say teens need total freedom otherwise they'll go iff the rails at 18 - they can come to grief/ go off the rails at 13 too, and be even worse off by 18!

Tbh I saw this more with kids starting secondary than turning 13 though - babied, driven everywhere, never doing anything unsupervised til the very end of primary, then expected to fend almost completely for themselves with no rules or guidance or help or supervision from the start of year 7 - often went badly!

Please be very interested in their online world. Ignore accusations of intrusion or that their friends have access to everything all the time. Teens make mistakes online that cannot be undone and they require more supervision in this realm than a toddler in a kitchen.

Make your boundaries and expectations clear, and check devices and accounts. Please ignore the laissez faire ( fear stories of teens needing privacy - yes they do but not on the net) parenting style.

In my professional life I meet too many decent parents of decent teens who have endured horrific ( life altering ) situation which could have been avoided if vigilance and an attitude of ‘I am keeping you safe, I pay the internet bill so I need to know what is happening or simply I trust you, I don’t trust others, I am your Mother I love you and I will check’. Please monitor their online life, letting them also know if they do screw up you will always love them and will support them through whatever.