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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Saying awful things to DS in heat of moment

86 replies

Schoolofsock · 21/06/2021 01:22

Have a close and loving relationship with DS age 14. He knows he is loved. We have had some challenges with him over the years due to some of his Asperger's traits but things are generally ok these days apart from odd trouble over 'typical' teenager behaviours (messy room, won't get out of bed in time, not helping at home etc). I have an awful temper (am already seeking help with it and also recently gone on HRT) and have on occasions have said really hurtful things to him in the heat of the moment during trouble (I'm very ashamed of the things I've said afterwards). When things have calmed down I have always apologised and explained I don't mean the things I say in anger. I am trying to get better and not lose it and he knows that. My question is, how much impact /damage I am having by saying awful things? Is he old enough to realise that people often say things they don't mean in anger? I'm gutted that I've done him emotional damage that he will always remember (in a bad way) no matter how much of a good mum and how loving and caring I am I am the rest of the 99% of the time.

OP posts:

roobicoobi · 21/06/2021 23:31

I also wondered like a previous poster if you could have autistic traits yourself? Have you Googled autism in women? I do and I find parenting increasingly hard as they get older as I'm less able to control their actions.

Oh come on. This is tiresome. It happens so often on threads concerning abusive men. Let's not start it here. Autistic does not equal nasty.

HollyGarland · 21/06/2021 23:37

In all honesty I’m 34 and sometimes I still have flushes of humiliation and deep sadness when I remember unkind things my mother said to me when I was a teen (and I don’t think the things she said were quite as bad as your examples).

Please try to put a stop to this. I appreciate you’re working on it already, but you never forget being deliberately hurt by your mother. It’s a deep and specific pain to have the person who should most love and protect you deliberately try to make you hurt.

converseandjeans · 21/06/2021 23:54

You need to find a way to stop. The things you've said are pretty damaging to a child.

You need to get more time away from the DC.

I don't know if moving out will help you and the children.

Might you be bipolar? Maybe ask for some medication from GP?

namechange30455 · 22/06/2021 00:03

@roobicoobi

Oh come on. This is tiresome. It happens so often on threads concerning abusive men. Let's not start it here. Autistic does not equal nasty.

I am autistic. I am not deliberately nasty but sometimes my difficulties coping spill over into behaviours that affect other people. Before I learnt that I was autistic and learnt how to manage those emotions I definitely said nasty things to people without really thinking about the effect on them.

OP clearly knows what she's doing isn't on and wants to change things. She is abusive, yes, and I was one of the first people on the thread to say that. I'm not saying the way she's behaving is ok if she's autistic but if she is then knowing that might help her unravel things. It did for me.

I think it's different suggesting this to OP than it is if OP is posting about someone else. If OP's son was on here posting I wouldn't say "aww well maybe your mum has autism" like that makes it ok. It's not an excuse. But it's worth OP considering, if it could help her stop abusing her DS.

TedMullins · 22/06/2021 00:03

You’re abusing him. My dad said stuff like this to me and I’ve had years of therapy to deal with it, I’ve never been able to form a healthy relationship and I’ve been diagnosed with a personality disorder. I’ve no doubt that my mental health is a direct consequence of his behaviour while I was growing up. I’d have gone NC with my dad years ago but it’s difficult as he’s still married to my mum. If you want your son to end up a mentally fucked up adult who cuts you off one day, you’re going the right way about it. There is no excuse for the things you’ve said, they’re not just ‘things said in anger’ and most people manage to be angry without saying anything of the sort.

roobicoobi · 22/06/2021 00:10

I am autistic.

Me too. It's why I get the absolute rage when I see people trying to excuse awful behaviour with 'oh could you be autistic' - it's infuriating.

I do take your points though.

Lalliella · 22/06/2021 00:16

The things you are saying to him are dreadful. It is abuse. You are causing him massive damage. You need to stop. Your poor DS. If I knew you in real life I’d be calling social services on you. Please please think about what you’re doing.

Lalliella · 22/06/2021 00:23

@Schoolofsock

Thank you for taking time to feed back. I'm considering moving out - though that will be a challenge working out how I can actually do that as we can't afford somewhere for me to rent and no family/close friends live near us to move in with. Other option is I tell social services and they take the DC somewhere else if that's possible (we have two DC). I don't know if I can actually change. I have wanted to for a long time but I seem to always revert back. Which of these 3 options is the least awful for f*cking my DC up long term? 1) Their Mum 'leaves them' - ie I move away. 2) Their Mum dies - or dies to them, ie I literally move away long distance and am just totally out of their lives. 3) They go into care? All those options are shit aren't they? Despite what I have done I do really really love my kids and the thought that I am damaging them forever makes me want to vomit. I have been on anti depressants, I have had various support including social services. None of it has helped so I'm realising I need to do something more drastic now.

How about 4) you change your behaviour? You’re the adult here, you have a choice about what words come out of your mouth. If your DS has Asperger’s he will most likely take everything you say literally. He will actually believe that you wished you never had him. How do you think that will make him feel OP? Can you imagine? Or do you lack empathy? I really think you need help.

DarkDarkNight · 22/06/2021 00:58

OP I just wanted to come on and recommend this book. I found it really helpful when my son’s behaviour was very challenging. Some of these responses are just kicking you when you are down.

The person early on saying you going on HRT is not relevant? It’s entirely relevant, as is your history of depression. Do seek (or continue to seek) help with medication, counselling, parenting courses whatever help you can get. Some people think nothing of talking to their children like this all day every day. You are asking for help not to, which shows you know it is not good and you want to change.

There’s lots in the news and media at the moment about the Menopause - I have just watched the Davina programme which talked about mood swings. I can still remember my mum’s mood swings when she was going through the change. It’s a huge hormonal shift, it will be worse for some than others, especially if you have depression. My depression and anxiety make me irritable and snappy and I have to constantly fight against it.

Saying awful things to DS in heat of moment

NightoftheLivingBread · 22/06/2021 01:22

@Schoolofsock

DancesWithFelines - My own child hood was good, nothing seriously awful ever said to me. My Mum had very outdated attitude (she still does) and thought her was her 'duty' to do everything for us so she wouldn't even be having half the battles I have as she would have just been a doormat and done everything 'for love' without complaining. And also, she didn't have the issues with me/my sister that we have with DS. RainingZen - its a mix of things. Some are re being ungrateful etc so yes, they are home truths. Some are spiteful things said purely from anger eg I wish I'd never had him, don't want him part of the family, saying he ruins everything (because he always seems to cause trouble on special days - he ruined Fathers Day yesterday), saying I can't wait until he's 18 so I can kick him out. yes - I know that's all vile before somebody comes on to tell me that

Oh my god, yes you are definitely doing terrible damage to him. Those sorts of comments are inexcusable and sorry but you are an abusive parent.

You need help urgently and your son will certainly be affected by this as an adult and far into the future. I’m not being alarmist here, this is serious and heartbreaking. He will never forget those words.

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 22/06/2021 03:28

OP, I do think it takes courage to admit (to yourself and others) that you are wrong. It sounds like you are suffering badly and lashing out with your DC, so you must be in a great deal of pain.

You mention that you have told your DC that they have ruined special events, such as Father's Day. What tends to be the catalyst for that comment - is it a one-off thing they do, or a build-up of annoyances during the day or earlier?

I'm just wondering what happens in the time leading up to your outbursts?

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