Saying awful things to DS in heat of moment

[Schoolofsock]

Have a close and loving relationship with DS age 14. He knows he is loved. We have had some challenges with him over the years due to some of his Asperger's traits but things are generally ok these days apart from odd trouble over 'typical' teenager behaviours (messy room, won't get out of bed in time, not helping at home etc). I have an awful temper (am already seeking help with it and also recently gone on HRT) and have on occasions have said really hurtful things to him in the heat of the moment during trouble (I'm very ashamed of the things I've said afterwards). When things have calmed down I have always apologised and explained I don't mean the things I say in anger. I am trying to get better and not lose it and he knows that. My question is, how much impact /damage I am having by saying awful things? Is he old enough to realise that people often say things they don't mean in anger? I'm gutted that I've done him emotional damage that he will always remember (in a bad way) no matter how much of a good mum and how loving and caring I am I am the rest of the 99% of the time.

The options you’re considering are very dramatic and self-pitying and they’ll only cause more harm to your children. I think you know that but those knee-jerk responses come easily to you because of your poor emotional regulation.

You need therapy to deal with your anger and to change your expectations of your son. If you’ve sought help before you should know what your triggers are and have some strategies to deal with them. Why aren’t you using them?

I think it’s a cop-out to say you have a temper
as if that’s some kind of explanation. I’m sure you don’t lose your temper with adults in public or at work. It’s not that you can’t control your emotions when you really need to, it’s that on some level you feel entitled to say mean things to your son. You need to figure out why that is with a proper counsellor. He shouldn’t be your emotional punching bag. You have to be the grown-up here and sort out your feelings of upset/disappointment/frustration without causing him harm.

If you genuinely don’t think you can change then maybe the best option is to move out but stay close. If you don’t have as much responsibility I doubt your temper will be as bad and you can have regular contact but change up the dynamics.
I think apologising and telling him you didn’t mean it is hugely better than not doing so but the emotional abuse has to stop.

Lilyofthewasteland - I didn't write anywhere justifying what I have done or making excuses for it. Far from it, I know it is 100% wrong and 100% my fault. End of. Lots of people in the thread above tell me to move out, then I say I am seriously thinking of moving out and I'm self indulgent?! We have had SS involved in the past because i contacted them and asked for help. The help we have had has been tick box. Lots of endless meetings, nothing that was actually of any use. His school were in those meetings.

My question is, how much impact /damage I am having by saying awful things?

Why don't you just ask him? Have the conversation about self control, temper, love and end of tether temper and saying shit in the heat of moment.

I'm gutted that I've done him emotional damage that he will always remember (in a bad way) no matter how much of a good mum and how loving and caring I am I am the rest of the 99% of the time.

Do you actually have any hard evidence done him emotional damage or are you just catastrophising?

Now you're upping the stakes by talking about moving out - mainly I guess by the kicking you've received on this thread - by people who have never, ever lashed out at someone they love.

Have you been to your GP to ask for help? Or any other sources of support? Local groups, a private counsellor, local religious group? Yoga, mindfulness, anything that you could do right now that could be the first step in the right direction?

6 year old me being asked "what is wrong with you?", teachers telling me I'm stupid (this was the 80s/90s), dad telling me I'm useless, I'm annoying etc per the years..severe, absolute, personality and confidence destroying words. I'm 40, and I still fully understand I'm just stupid and worthless and a nothing.

We have had some challenges with him over the years due to some of his Asperger's traits but things are generally ok these days apart from odd trouble over 'typical' teenager behaviours (messy room, won't get out of bed in time, not helping at home etc).

You do realise these can be due to his autism?

saying he ruins everything (because he always seems to cause trouble on special days - he ruined Fathers Day yesterday),

'Special days' can be particularly hard for autistic people.

Some are re being ungrateful etc so yes, they are home truths.

How is that not making an excuse?

saying he ruins everything (because he always seems to cause trouble on special days - he ruined Fathers Day yesterday)

Blaming him.

I have an awful temper (am already seeking help with it and also recently gone on HRT)

More excuses.

no matter how much of a good mum and how loving and caring I am I am the rest of the 99% of the time.

Excuses and minimising.

I'm not quoting from the section where you repeat your vile abuse, because it's too sickening to re-read.

Your words. Your excuses. Your minimising.

Interesting that your latest response is focused on being defensive and making more excuses rather than engaging with the subject of changing your behaviour and taking responsibility.

Does it make you feel uncomfortable to have peers hold you to account? To not have the power over us to kick off and put us down? Considering what you are doing, my comments are very, very mild. Do you expect people to offer soothing noises to you for abusing your child?

Yes, making yourself the victim and expecting sympathy for choosing to abuse your child is self-indulgent. Yes, describing yourself as "dying" when you're not is self-indulgent.

You manage not to abuse other people, right?

@Wolfiefan

So you would rather move out than find ways to control your temper like an adult?

If it were only that easy.

Obviously OP hates the behaviour but can’t help it. The responses on here aren’t helping in the slightest.
OP you say you take anti depressants, maybe they need changing, perhaps some counselling to go with it. Do you get time to yourself, are there other factors like alcohol in the mix… go back to your G.P and tell them what’s happening. Clearly you aren’t coping. You aren’t a bad person, you know what you are doing is wrong but you lack impulse control/the ability to manage your anger.

Do you work? You probably wouldn’t speak to your boss the way you speak to your son, because there would be repercussions….

Seek professional help, not mumsnet!

Can’t help it? OP is an adult who I’m sure can walk away from an altercation if they choose too. @Suzi888
I agree with a PP re excuses and minimising. Funny how so many abusers blame the person they abuse or say they can’t help it.
Actually no. It’s not funny at all. It’s all manipulation and mind games.

Obviously OP hates the behaviour but can’t help it.

'Can't help it'

The responses on here aren’t helping in the slightest.

Well if they open OP eyes to what she is doing...

Do you have anything like sure start in your area that would give parenting classes?
You really need to stop saying such terrible things even in anger .

Is he old enough to realise that people often say things they don't mean in anger?

This jumped out at me - people don't often say cruel things they don't mean to hurt people they love. It's abusive.
I don't say nasty things to my partner when we argue. My parents didn't say those things to me, I don't say them to my children.

I really don't think it is normal.

lilyofthewasteland "Does it make you feel uncomfortable to have peers hold you to account? " I would hardly come on here if that were the case would I? "Do you expect people to offer soothing noises to you for abusing your child?". No - obviously not.

" Yes, describing yourself as "dying" when you're not is self-indulgent." You know very little about me including the fact that I HAVE actually considered suicide and whether my DC would be better off without me. I'm guessing by your vitriolic responses you have been abused yourself. I'm really sorry if that is the case.

@Schoolofsock - please ask for this thread to be deleted. The abuse and bullying you are getting is appalling. You are NOT a bad person, you have said things you know are wrong and you have apologised to your son for them.

MN at it's worst. Shame on you.

DarcyLewis. " I don't say nasty things to my partner when we argue. My parents didn't say those things to me, I don't say them to my children.
I really don't think it is normal." Gosh. I don't think I know a single person in my life (of a few decades and I've known many friends and family over those years) who could say that they have never, ever said something hurtful in a row or argument to somebody they know. I'm not justifying anything I have done as I know that is another league altogether and isn't normal or healthy but ALL of my friends have recounted saying something horrid to their partner, sibling etc in a row at some point. You must be Mother Theresa.

Why don;t you write him a letter. In it, tell him all the things you think ar ebrilliant about him. Be specific. List kind things he's done, things he;s good at, times you have had int he past and recently that are happy memories, funny things he says or does, etc etc. make it as long as possible. Explain in the letter that you are writing it because your time of life means you get hormonally imbalanced at times and can;t control your tongue, and say things you don;t mean which you know are hurtful. But you are in your right mind as you write the letter and this is how you truly, deeply feel about him, always have and always will. You are getting help for your rages. Make a deep apology for them in the letter and ask that he reads the letter if he ever doubts your real feelings for him due to the outbursts.

There's no excuse for them but genuine apology means a lot.

OP could you tell us more about how he "ruined" the day yesterday and why it angered you to the extent it did? You really need to unpack why you're feeling like this, either by writing it down or with a counsellor.

I also wondered like a previous poster if you could have autistic traits yourself? Have you Googled autism in women? I do and I find parenting increasingly hard as they get older as I'm less able to control their actions. It's often misdiagnosed as depression/anxiety in girls.

I assume you have a DP? What's he like? Is he angry? Calm?

@Schoolofsock

DarcyLewis. " I don't say nasty things to my partner when we argue. My parents didn't say those things to me, I don't say them to my children. I really don't think it is normal." Gosh. I don't think I know a single person in my life (of a few decades and I've known many friends and family over those years) who could say that they have never, ever said something hurtful in a row or argument to somebody they know. I'm not justifying anything I have done as I know that is another league altogether and isn't normal or healthy but ALL of my friends have recounted saying something horrid to their partner, sibling etc in a row at some point. You must be Mother Theresa.

Maybe as a child to a sibling, but deliberately saying something nasty and untrue to hurt a partner/family member as an adult? No. I think your sense of normal is skewed honestly if you think that is normal, and not saying abusive things is saintly or unachievable.

Cowbells - that is a great suggestion and I will do that. I do say all those things verbally to him - lots - (every day actually) but writing it down will be more meaningful. Thank you for suggesting that.

It’s not being Mother Theresa not to say spiteful and horrible things to those you are supposed to love.
You’re the one whose behaviour is unacceptable. Not those of us who don’t abuse our loved ones.

OP your getting a bashing here and I'm not sure its helping you. I am adult who is in therapy right now because of my mum.

You are owning this which is a real start. No one can save this but you. You need to save yourself here. If SS wasnt any help ( let's face it, they are too thin to help most people) then look elsewhere.

Can you phone the NAS? They have a helpline, just tell them your drowning.

I also have non NT kids. I get it's hard.

SS could step you down to family support with what's called 'early help'.

You need to be totally honest. Tell then you think about self harm and leaving.

I'm sorry it's all gone to shit. I cant ever go back and fix my historical abuse. But my mum could have stopped. She didnt. She denies, minimises, gaslighths. But that's not you. You are reaching out here.

Be the mum you want to be. No one, ever can replace your sins mum. Reach out and step up. Be totally honest because let's face it, if SS know this they arent going to crucify you at this point. If cards are already on the table.

Maybe its hormones, maybe its stress, maybe it's pure anger management, maybe your not supported with your son neuro diversity. Find that out.

You can change

Darcy Lewis "Maybe as a child to a sibling, but deliberately saying something nasty and untrue to hurt a partner/family member as an adult? No.
I think your sense of normal is skewed honestly if you think that is normal, and not saying abusive things is saintly or unachievable."
I didn't say UNTRUE in my response, as you didn't say untrue in your first point, you've added that word which totally changes the context of the point. I suspect if i did a poll in the general population of how many people have said something hurtful to their spouse/partner/parent/siblings at some point in their adult lives - the % who answer never ever (truthfully) would be very small. Or maybe everybody I've ever known over 40 years are ALL abnormal.

I'm leaving this thread now. Thanks those who have been constructive.