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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Saying awful things to DS in heat of moment

86 replies

Schoolofsock · 21/06/2021 01:22

Have a close and loving relationship with DS age 14. He knows he is loved. We have had some challenges with him over the years due to some of his Asperger's traits but things are generally ok these days apart from odd trouble over 'typical' teenager behaviours (messy room, won't get out of bed in time, not helping at home etc). I have an awful temper (am already seeking help with it and also recently gone on HRT) and have on occasions have said really hurtful things to him in the heat of the moment during trouble (I'm very ashamed of the things I've said afterwards). When things have calmed down I have always apologised and explained I don't mean the things I say in anger. I am trying to get better and not lose it and he knows that. My question is, how much impact /damage I am having by saying awful things? Is he old enough to realise that people often say things they don't mean in anger? I'm gutted that I've done him emotional damage that he will always remember (in a bad way) no matter how much of a good mum and how loving and caring I am I am the rest of the 99% of the time.

OP posts:
DancesWithFelines · 21/06/2021 01:41

Unfortunately you are probably doing a lot of damage, I have many memories of my mum saying nasty things to me and it has left me with low self esteem and a distant relationship with her.

That said, I've had my moments being vile in the past because it was what I was used to. As soon as I started to process my own childhood trauma and acknowledged things I became a much better parent.

What was your own childhood like and could you be projecting that onto DC?

RainingZen · 21/06/2021 05:29

What kind of things are you saying? Is it kind of "home truths" hurtful (like, 'you are lazy and ungrateful, and I am so disappointed in you.). Or is it more personal (the classic 'I wish I'd never had you're stuff ).

Yeah probably doing some damage but well, you're only human. Most parents damage their kids, one way or another. The apologies and your efforts to rein in your temper are important.

Original poster
Schoolofsock · 21/06/2021 08:25

DancesWithFelines - My own child hood was good, nothing seriously awful ever said to me. My Mum had very outdated attitude (she still does) and thought her was her 'duty' to do everything for us so she wouldn't even be having half the battles I have as she would have just been a doormat and done everything 'for love' without complaining. And also, she didn't have the issues with me/my sister that we have with DS.
RainingZen - its a mix of things. Some are re being ungrateful etc so yes, they are home truths. Some are spiteful things said purely from anger eg I wish I'd never had him, don't want him part of the family, saying he ruins everything (because he always seems to cause trouble on special days - he ruined Fathers Day yesterday), saying I can't wait until he's 18 so I can kick him out. yes - I know that's all vile before somebody comes on to tell me that Sad

OP posts:
ShinyGreenElephant · 21/06/2021 08:30

To be honest that will be doing damage to him yes and you really really need to cut it out. I've called my DD12 a selfish spoiled brat and similar when she's been particularly horrible and felt absolutely awful about it later and apologised profusely, even though her behaviour was very spoiled and selfish. But I honestly can't imagine saying I cant wait to kick her out or i wish I'd never had her! What on earth had he done to warrant that?

Juststopasking · 21/06/2021 08:32

Fucking hell that's bad though. Yes you're going to be causing untold damage. It doesn't matter if you tell him later you didn't mean it. You must feel it on some level or it wouldn't even enter your head to say those things.

DysmalRadius · 21/06/2021 08:35

How long has this been going on for? And are you actually getting solid help for this that your son can see you doing? Because it is awful and I genuinely can't think of a way that it wouldn't fuck up a teenager unless it was something that happened once or twice after which serious and concerted work was done to remedy things.

JJSS123 · 21/06/2021 08:37

I get how it can happen I really do but my parents used to say those kind of things to me and the damage it has done is unbelievable. I am no contact with both of them and the words they would say haunt me. Example like I wish you’d never been born I never wanted you. My mother would write me nasty letters about my personal appearance. Things stay with you for life. My mother had mental health issues which I do now understand but them words even how she would breathe when she was getting angry how I would wait to see how/if she said hello when she came home to see if she was in a ok mood or if I was in for it. Also if you’re getting so angry it’s a fine line you could be grabbing him next or shoving him. I’m not saying you will but from experience as the child I was a teen but you know wha to mean, when you are scared and not reacting that made my mother more angry it’s as though she wanted the fight and then couldn’t understand why I didn’t react? I just wanted it to stop. Please get yourself help for both of your sakes it’ll be damaging your whole family x

CantEnjoySummer · 21/06/2021 08:38

I really think you need to seek some help beyond HRT.

These are much worse examples than I thought you'd give.

namechange30455 · 21/06/2021 08:39

You are emotionally abusing your son. Of course you are doing damage with the vile things you say. I cannot believe you would tell your son he "ruins everything" and you wish you'd never had him. No wonder the poor kid is acting up FFS.

If this was a woman posting about her partner she'd be told to kick him out.

If you "can't control" your temper then perhaps you need to leave the family home until you can.

Gazelda · 21/06/2021 08:42

I'm afraid there's a very good chance your words will stick with him.

My DM used to shout awful things at me. Some were fair and have since spurred me on to be a better person "you're the most selfish person I've ever met". Others still sting and have contributed to my very low self esteem "you're unlovable".

If you'd come on MN to say that your DH was shouting those things at you, you'd be advised to start getting your ducks in a row.

namechange30455 · 21/06/2021 08:42

I'd also question whether he "knows he's loved" when you're saying stuff like that.

I'm sure my parents would say I knew I was loved as a child. Let's just say I'd disagree.

brittleheadgirl · 21/06/2021 08:44

@namechange30455

You are emotionally abusing your son. Of course you are doing damage with the vile things you say. I cannot believe you would tell your son he "ruins everything" and you wish you'd never had him. No wonder the poor kid is acting up FFS.

If this was a woman posting about her partner she'd be told to kick him out.

If you "can't control" your temper then perhaps you need to leave the family home until you can.

Totally agree with this. If you were a man, your partner would be told to get you out of the house asap. As it stands, you being there will be having a huge impact on the wellbeing of your ds.
ssd · 21/06/2021 08:45

Christ you sound awful. The poor boy.

Mountaingoatling · 21/06/2021 08:50

If you really can't control your temper then please make sure your apologies are fulsome, detailed and explanative.

You are teaching your son that people who love you hurt you.

That's a pretty awful preparation for personal and professional relationships.

He will likely suffer from poor boundaries, and be more at risk of entering into abusive relationships.

It will take him years to erase the nasty things you have said from his head, which he will internalise. He might carry some real self loathing and that could lead him to addiction and a lack of self care.

HRT is utterly irrelevant. How many other people are subject to your rage?

Could he perhaps go live with grandparents or someone else so he has a better chance at life?

I'm sorry for what you're going through yourself and what's brought you here but I don't think you understand how serious this is.

saraclara · 21/06/2021 09:00

This thread is going to go on for pages and pages with people telling you just how bad this is OP. So steel yourself, or maybe stop reading after a page or so. Because no-one is likely to say anything different from what's been said so far.

In afraid that this is terribly damaging.the only chink of hope is that your apologies are fulsome and explanatory. But it still doesn't undo what you said, and at 14 no way would I have accepted those apologies, because I wouldn't understand how this could happen. I'd just be "Well if you know it's wrong then stop doing it"

I am 65 and still damaged by things my mother said to me when I was a teen. She never apologised, though she's started doing so now. But it's too late.

Confusedaboutlots · 21/06/2021 09:03

Am in total shock - you are being abusive

you have no right to talk to your DS in that way at all

you have and are causing him long lasting damage - he will forever remember your words

being a good mum 99% of the time is meaningless if you do this - you are not a good mum

get help, sort yourself out, leave your son alone

Bluntness100 · 21/06/2021 09:04

God that’s awful op. To say that stuff to your own child. Yes you’ll have done damage, apologies don’t count if you just do it again. Children are impotent, they have no where to go and have to take the abuse. But they never forget.

You need to get some more help to stop abusing your son.

Confusedaboutlots · 21/06/2021 09:04

of course 14 is old enough to understand the horridness of your words - even 5 is.

glumbum38 · 21/06/2021 09:10

My Grandmother said these exact things to her youngest. His self-esteem was so low that he ended up living on the streets and taking drugs for years. He's had a really hard life and is damaged beyond repair. A child needs unconditional love, particularly when they are displaying challenging behaviour. You need to own your anger. The the reasons for it are irrelevant. Your poor son is not to blame for it.

LeonardLikesThisPost · 21/06/2021 09:11

This is very bad and will damage him. My dad was/is like this (but never said he wished I wasn't born!) He apologised but seemed to think an apology was some sort of reset button that erased the horrible things he'd said, and that once the apology had been made we had no further right to be upset. It is not. Especially when the behaviour continues in exactly the same pattern. Explosion -> Awful things said -> Perfunctory apology -> Time passes -> Explosion..... Ad infinitum.

If you're apologising you should be reflecting and changing your behaviour.

stargirl1701 · 21/06/2021 09:13

OP, you need support. Parenting an autistic child is hard. You are taking out your frustrations on him. That is never okay.

You need to speak to your GP about psychological support for you and your child. You need a referral to a parenting support group through his school.

You need to post in Special Needs here on MN.

EveryoneIsThere · 21/06/2021 09:13

What is the family situation? Is the boys Dad about? Do you say nasty things to other members of the family.

As PPs have said you obviously are likely to being doing a lot of harm. You need to stop immediately. You also need to be careful not to use 'quiet' anger or fear as a means of controlling your son.
Maybe more therapy? If you can't control your anger then you need to move out.

Bluntness100 · 21/06/2021 09:14

@stargirl1701

OP, you need support. Parenting an autistic child is hard. You are taking out your frustrations on him. That is never okay.

You need to speak to your GP about psychological support for you and your child. You need a referral to a parenting support group through his school.

You need to post in Special Needs here on MN.

She said he had Asperger traits, she did not say he was autistic.
grapewine · 21/06/2021 09:15

You're right. It is vile and disgusting, and he will remember all of it. Get some help and stop emotionally abusing your child. Otherwise, you should remove yourself from the situation.

Cushionsnotpillows · 21/06/2021 09:18

Yes that's hugely damaging. I have a teen myself and know how frustrating they can be with rather thoughtless behaviour but I would never ever say I wish I hadn't had him (because I love the bones of him) or can't wait to kick him out, because I don't.

You're right, it is vile. I'm horrified to be honest. Truly damaging and he will take these words on board. You need help to work on this and change your behaviour. Your son needs help to discuss this with a professional to let him process what has happened and to try to prevent further impact.

You can't repair this just with apologies and then keep repeating the behaviour. You need to stop or let you son live somewhere he won't be further harmed by your verbal abuse. And it is abuse.

I'm not sure he would agree with your view that he knows he is loved. Certainly not the unconditional, protective love a Mum should have for her child.