Saying awful things to DS in heat of moment

[Schoolofsock]

Have a close and loving relationship with DS age 14. He knows he is loved. We have had some challenges with him over the years due to some of his Asperger's traits but things are generally ok these days apart from odd trouble over 'typical' teenager behaviours (messy room, won't get out of bed in time, not helping at home etc). I have an awful temper (am already seeking help with it and also recently gone on HRT) and have on occasions have said really hurtful things to him in the heat of the moment during trouble (I'm very ashamed of the things I've said afterwards). When things have calmed down I have always apologised and explained I don't mean the things I say in anger. I am trying to get better and not lose it and he knows that. My question is, how much impact /damage I am having by saying awful things? Is he old enough to realise that people often say things they don't mean in anger? I'm gutted that I've done him emotional damage that he will always remember (in a bad way) no matter how much of a good mum and how loving and caring I am I am the rest of the 99% of the time.

Just stop straight away. Tell him you are unconditionally sorry for all the things you have said. Then get some help for your anger issues. It’s not too late to start to repair the damage you have inevitably done through your cruel and damaging words. Understand that teenagers can’t help their annoying actions. The part of their brain that makes them aware of them & have empathy doesn’t stop growing till their ‘20’s!!

You have no excuse. Stop now or you’ll have a really messed up lad on your hands.

I don't suppose it will have any real long lasting harm.

I can remember some horrible things my mother said to me during some of my teenage fights with her, but I'm sure I gave it back. I've forgiven her and I'm sure she's forgiven herself. I hope she has.

I have a close relationship with her now, we came out the other end just fine, I'm sure you will too.

The best thing you can do for your son is model that good behaviour after you've said something in the heat of the moment: apologising, accepting you were in the wrong and trying to better yourself.

When I was going through hell with dd at 13. (Undiagnosed ADHD and ASD, school refusal, and child to parent violence) I snapped once and told her that 'she would end up homeless on the streets because once she is 16 im done and I am not supporting her to lie in bed all day'
This was just once but my words impacted on her anxiety and made things much worst.
I soon came to realise that her behaviours were communication of unmet needs. She also used to disrupt family events. I later realised that this was because she couldn't cope with the change in routine.
I started parenting therapeutically and love bombing. I really had to fake it at first but it made a massive difference.
She is 17 now and 90% wonderful. She is no longer violent as we have both worked together to understand her needs and to understand her disabilities and make allowances for them.
I am very proud of the young lady she is becoming.
There is a great therapeutic parenting group on Facebook and books by Ross Green are good too.

That is a fucking disgrace, you're abusing him. Of course he doesn't know he's definitely loved.

God almighty. Get some help, or leave, so he can be cared for by people who don't treat him this way.

The damage will already be done, by the way.

I’m not going to soften my response - what you’ve said (you wish you’d never had him, for example) I’d very damaging. I know a woman with a physical disability whose mother used to say that too (clearly ashamed of her daughter) and my friend has suffered terribly as a result.

Why haven’t you sought help for it the first time you said nasty things? You definitely need anger management help and therapy for yourself. Perhaps the hrt will help if you’re menopausal.

Having the best relationship possible with your DS should be your priority now.

Oh wow,I was expecting to come on here and reply that everyone says things they regret etc but Jesus wept, get some help NOW, that is appalling behavior. How can he possibly know he's loved with you saying things like that? What would you think if a partner said that to you?

You sound just like my mum, OP. She has said all the things you've said to your son to me when I was a child/ teenager. It really damaged our relationship as I was frightened of her and never knew when she was going to blow. Like you, she would apologise afterwards and go back to being "nice mum" but it didn't make much difference, I really did not like her for many years. I am now having CBT therapy and my therapist thinks the root of my allow self esteem is my mothers abuse.

My mum had a hysterectomy when I was about 16 and she really mellowed after that so I assume it was a hormonal issue with her. Over the years our relationship has been repaired by her being a good mum to me but I still think about the things she said sometimes and it really does affect me. I'm 27 and it's only in the last couple of years I've began to confide in her, albeit about very surface level things. I have been able to forgive her because I can see it was a hormonal issue and because she has treated me well for about a decade now but I know we do not have the relationships we could have had if she hadn't been abusive.

So I would say, all hope isn't lossr but you really need to get a grip on this or you could lose your son.

You say you are getting help OP but have you got a very simple strategy to just .stop. when you feel the rage whirling up, 0-60 in 5 seconds?

Just a simple phrase you can stick with, like,
"I am really upset and that's all I am going to say right now"
with a simple action like sitting down and having something sweet.

I used to have awful awful PMS, I don't want to talk in detail but the sort of way you really would not want anyone to see you. It was really useful when I clocked what was going on so that I could just, well, stop when I went past 45mph, and go and cry in a corner with a packet of biscuits or some toast, because that was so so much better than the 120mph uncontrolled rage it was going to turn into.

Is he old enough to realise that people often say things they don't mean in anger?

He is old enough to realise that. But also old enough to realise there is a line and you have not only crossed it, you are so far from the line you can barely see it. Your poor son. You do not have a loving relationship with a child when you abuse him like that, he must be walking on egg shells all the time waiting for your next outburst.

Get to your GP urgently and tell him exactly how you are abusing your child and ask for referral to whatever services are needed.

Is his dad at home? What is he doing about your temper? Can you move out until you sort yourself out to protect him from more abuse? You need to stop apologising and then repeating the behaviour, you need to get on top of this op.

Try the STOPP technique -

Let today be a turning point where you choose to take 100% responsibility for your actions and choose to do whatever you can to repair the damage to your son. You may need professional support to guide you through this either individually or family therapy. It won’t be a magic wand - it will take time to slowly and consistently rebuild trust and respect - but you can do this whilst he is still under your roof.

There are quite a few layers which may explain how you have found yourself in this situation - but they NEVER excuse it.

Your own upbringing was v emotionally inadequate - a self sacrificing “marshmallow parent” with poor boundaries and low expectations of you has left you emotionally developmentally deficient - you haven’t been taught to emotionally self regulate and you respond poorly and to stress. It’s also not unusual for parents to choose to do the opposite when bringing up their own DCs - so I am wondering if you have slipped / flipped into dysfunctional “authoritarian” style parenting with your DS.....and the reverse may be true where marshmallow parents often had authoritarian parents. Both are toxic - the aim is assertive, calm, supportive, encouraging, consistent, steady and boundaried

Having ND child is challenging, being menopausal is challenging, having teenagers is challenging - add this with poor parenting role modelling and poorly developed emotional coping skills you have a recipe for melt down an volatility.

Are there other DCs in the family witnessing/experiencing this dynamic? What’s his DF role in the home? Is there alcohol or any other issues in tandem?

Have you reflected and assessed your own NT/ND traits?

Take 100% responsibility to tackle any and all of the layers. Get whatever professional support you can and work hard to repair the relationship. The risk you face is flipping back and forth into the marshmallow parent out of guilt - this will be equally destructive.

Good luck. You have insight. You know it’s not right. You have taken the first step.

My mother said some vile things to me "I wish I never had you", "I wish I had aborted you", "you're useless", "you're a whore". I have forgiven her now, but I'm still struggling nowadays and I'm 34.

You are causing this poor boy great psychological damage. It is emotional abuse. You must know the things you say to him, even if you say you don't mean them, will be with him forever. You need to go for professional help for anger management. Just think forward five years he will want to move out asap he can. He wont want to stay living in that toxic environment. Think forward another 10 years he could be married by then. If he himself has children, your own grandchildren, can you really believe your Dil would allow you time with dgc knowing how you treated your own son, because I would not.

Thank you for taking time to feed back. I'm considering moving out - though that will be a challenge working out how I can actually do that as we can't afford somewhere for me to rent and no family/close friends live near us to move in with. Other option is I tell social services and they take the DC somewhere else if that's possible (we have two DC). I don't know if I can actually change. I have wanted to for a long time but I seem to always revert back.
Which of these 3 options is the least awful for f*cking my DC up long term? 1) Their Mum 'leaves them' - ie I move away. 2) Their Mum dies - or dies to them, ie I literally move away long distance and am just totally out of their lives. 3) They go into care? All those options are shit aren't they? Despite what I have done I do really really love my kids and the thought that I am damaging them forever makes me want to vomit. I have been on anti depressants, I have had various support including social services. None of it has helped so I'm realising I need to do something more drastic now.

@Schoolofsock

DancesWithFelines - My own child hood was good, nothing seriously awful ever said to me. My Mum had very outdated attitude (she still does) and thought her was her 'duty' to do everything for us so she wouldn't even be having half the battles I have as she would have just been a doormat and done everything 'for love' without complaining. And also, she didn't have the issues with me/my sister that we have with DS. RainingZen - its a mix of things. Some are re being ungrateful etc so yes, they are home truths. Some are spiteful things said purely from anger eg I wish I'd never had him, don't want him part of the family, saying he ruins everything (because he always seems to cause trouble on special days - he ruined Fathers Day yesterday), saying I can't wait until he's 18 so I can kick him out. yes - I know that's all vile before somebody comes on to tell me that

That's just hateful. I don't know what to suggest other than seeing a professional. You are abusive.

@Schoolofsock

Thank you for taking time to feed back. I'm considering moving out - though that will be a challenge working out how I can actually do that as we can't afford somewhere for me to rent and no family/close friends live near us to move in with. Other option is I tell social services and they take the DC somewhere else if that's possible (we have two DC). I don't know if I can actually change. I have wanted to for a long time but I seem to always revert back. Which of these 3 options is the least awful for f*cking my DC up long term? 1) Their Mum 'leaves them' - ie I move away. 2) Their Mum dies - or dies to them, ie I literally move away long distance and am just totally out of their lives. 3) They go into care? All those options are shit aren't they? Despite what I have done I do really really love my kids and the thought that I am damaging them forever makes me want to vomit. I have been on anti depressants, I have had various support including social services. None of it has helped so I'm realising I need to do something more drastic now.

None of your options seem to include being a decent parent to your child...

Do the work. Make the effort. Stop being a martyr.

Does your poor kid have another adult they can rely on?

@Schoolofsock

Thank you for taking time to feed back. I'm considering moving out - though that will be a challenge working out how I can actually do that as we can't afford somewhere for me to rent and no family/close friends live near us to move in with. Other option is I tell social services and they take the DC somewhere else if that's possible (we have two DC). I don't know if I can actually change. I have wanted to for a long time but I seem to always revert back. Which of these 3 options is the least awful for f*cking my DC up long term? 1) Their Mum 'leaves them' - ie I move away. 2) Their Mum dies - or dies to them, ie I literally move away long distance and am just totally out of their lives. 3) They go into care? All those options are shit aren't they? Despite what I have done I do really really love my kids and the thought that I am damaging them forever makes me want to vomit. I have been on anti depressants, I have had various support including social services. None of it has helped so I'm realising I need to do something more drastic now.

OP, you're brave to return to this thread. And you obviously want your DS not to be affected by your temper.

All 3 of the options you suggest would have a negative effect on the whole family. Are you certain there aren't any less drastic options?

Have you ride family counselling? Have you tried specific, intensive counselling where you are 100% frank? Have you spoken with DS's school?

It would obviously be better for all concerned if you were able to overcome your temper. Unless you've tried everything in your power to do this, then I don't think you should be consider any of the ideas you've posted about.

Have you tried anger management?

You need serious help, now. You are abusing your child. Please call your GP first thing in the morning or social services for support if you have had involvement previously.

Honestly, I have never forgotten my mother telling me she wished she never had me and never loved me and my younger brother. It haunts me all the time and made me not like her and now we are pretty low communication with me not sharing any part of my emotions with her as I don’t trust her with them.
However she didn’t ever see the error of her ways and you are , hopefully that will help your son x

@Schoolofsock

Thank you for taking time to feed back. I'm considering moving out - though that will be a challenge working out how I can actually do that as we can't afford somewhere for me to rent and no family/close friends live near us to move in with. Other option is I tell social services and they take the DC somewhere else if that's possible (we have two DC). I don't know if I can actually change. I have wanted to for a long time but I seem to always revert back. Which of these 3 options is the least awful for f*cking my DC up long term? 1) Their Mum 'leaves them' - ie I move away. 2) Their Mum dies - or dies to them, ie I literally move away long distance and am just totally out of their lives. 3) They go into care? All those options are shit aren't they? Despite what I have done I do really really love my kids and the thought that I am damaging them forever makes me want to vomit. I have been on anti depressants, I have had various support including social services. None of it has helped so I'm realising I need to do something more drastic now.

This is hard to read.

I am sure that you know that none of these are in your DCs bests interests.

It’s also quite an emotionally immature response - where you are attempting to throw your toys out of the pram and spin it that you are victim in this scenario.

The fact that you are shocked by PP responses tells me that your own childhood experiences were so bad that you are not even aware that this behaviour is abusive.

As PP - do the work on yourself so that you have repair the damage to your DC. It’s not that hard and the benefits will last a lifetime.

Don’t give up.

You need to get help for yourself first and then you need to go to family counselling with your DC to try to unpick the damage which has already been done.

So you would rather move out than find ways to control your temper like an adult?

Why was SS involved and what did they do too help?

@Schoolofsock

Thank you for taking time to feed back. I'm considering moving out - though that will be a challenge working out how I can actually do that as we can't afford somewhere for me to rent and no family/close friends live near us to move in with. Other option is I tell social services and they take the DC somewhere else if that's possible (we have two DC). I don't know if I can actually change. I have wanted to for a long time but I seem to always revert back. Which of these 3 options is the least awful for f*cking my DC up long term? 1) Their Mum 'leaves them' - ie I move away. 2) Their Mum dies - or dies to them, ie I literally move away long distance and am just totally out of their lives. 3) They go into care? All those options are shit aren't they? Despite what I have done I do really really love my kids and the thought that I am damaging them forever makes me want to vomit. I have been on anti depressants, I have had various support including social services. None of it has helped so I'm realising I need to do something more drastic now.

What about the options where you stop being horrifically abusive to your child rather than compounding the harm? You missed those out of your "woe is me, I have no choice but to continue abusing my child" list.

Are you trying to make your acts of abuse sound acceptable compared to your proposed alternatives?

I am incredulous at what you have been saying to him and making excuses for. It is in no way normal to say such obscene things to your child. Nor to blame your child for your choice to abuse them.

Your choice of wording in option 2 is telling. And quite disgusting. If you choose to abandon them that is not you "dying" and to present it as such is disgusting and self-indulgent. Really, really disgusting.

You're not the one suffering here, your child is. So stop making it about you, stop minimising what can only be described as abuse, stop making excuses and change.

Your son should have individual therapy. It is not safe for him to attend joint therapy with his abuser, therefore he should not attend joint therapy with you.

Apologising and then repeating the same behaviour is bullshit. I would say the same about any abuser.

Being his parent doesn't give you a free pass to abuse him and your attempt to blame him for your abuse like he deserves it is despicable.

There is no age at which you can abuse someone without it damaging them. The fact that you're his parent makes it worse.

OP have you ever been diagnosed or identified with any neurodivergent traits yourself? It sounds like you’re really struggling and not coping with the challenges of parenting teens, particularly a ND teen. I think you know your behaviour is way off the charts unacceptable, but it sounds like there’s a real lack of ability to stop that anger and lashing out process once it’s started.

What support do you have? Grandparents/other family who can help so you can get some respite to reset yourself?
Any services involved?
Would you be open to being assessed for ND conditions yourself?
Perhaps a psychotherapist or psychologist experienced in working with ND and/or ND and NT mixed families might be of some use, or family therapy so you can all learn to communicate better.