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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Neighbour swore at my teenage son

123 replies

G121 · 12/06/2021 07:48

I just wanted some advice about how to deal with a neighbour please.

I have two boys aged 10 and 14 who mainly enjoy playing football and cricket. My 14 year old enjoys playing basketball too so we have basketball ring in our garden. He plays maybe twice a week (depending on weather and homework) for about 30-45minutes a session.

As it was a Friday yesterday and the weather was nice, he decided to have a quick game outside during half time of the Euro game, which was about 8.45pm. So he was only playing outside for about 15minutes and one of the neighbours shouted ‘stop bouncing that f*ing ball’ over a fence. First it was the lady and then the man thought he would have a go too. Now I know the thudding of a ball can get quite annoying and usually he plays earlier in the day, but it wasn’t very late and I just think there was no need to swear at him. He came in and told us and his dad went mad and went out and shouted something back over the fence. He told our son to carry on playing, but he didn’t want to continue and seemed quite shocked that he had been sworn at while he felt he wasn’t doing anything wrong. My husband decided to have a quick game himself and started bouncing the ball again and nothing more was said. However he wants to go round and have it out with them this morning.

Their house backs on to ours, and it’s their front garden that backs on our back garden, so they are not neighbours we see daily. My son was nowhere near their fence and was basically minding his own business. During lockdown they would often get drunk and create chaos in the evenings. Shouting at each other, swearing etc. And although this was annoying for us, we didn’t feel the need to complain to them about it. I feel quite annoyed by this, but I don’t want to go to war with my neighbours over a ball game. My husband says I’m showing our son not to stand up for himself, but I feel my husband shouting back over the fence and continuing to play for another 15minutes made the point and maybe we should just leave it there. Going forwards, I don’t want my sons to be scared to play in our garden either.

What would you do? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
MrsBongiovi · 12/06/2021 09:10

Just ignore them. Miserable bastards. I’d be out bouncing that ball today though.

NannyAndJohn · 12/06/2021 09:12

I'm not surprised your neighbours blew their top if your husband and son act like this on the regular.

Downright disrespectful and anti-social. Many people will be trying to sleep at that time.

PaulGallico · 12/06/2021 09:12

Your husband decided to have a quick game himself...and that is helping the situation?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 12/06/2021 09:16

I’d be so annoyed if the the next door neighbours did this at almost 9pm.
It’s completely selfish and, what’s more, utterly pointless. What could you son have got from this 15 minute bouncing session other than annoying the neighbours?
Your husband sounds like a massive arsehole too.
Maybe there have been other instances of your son and husband behaving like this and this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
They both need to go and apologise never mind “have it out”.

maddiemookins16mum · 12/06/2021 09:18

So your DH decided to have a turn too, very adult…not.
You all sound as bad as each other.

A2BviaCandD · 12/06/2021 09:19

Our son also has a basketball hoop. We have a piece of artificial grass over the top of the slabs to dampen the thud sound though. It doesn't affect the bounce but does quieten the sound. We hardly hear the ball bouncing now.

The neighbours were wrong in swearing, and your husband has already proven his point by shouting back and then bouncing the ball.

I wouldn't take it any further than that, other than to tell the son that he did nothing wrong by playing in the garden and he is entitled to use it.

A2BviaCandD · 12/06/2021 09:21

Maybe he could play earlier though next time, if that time appears to upset the other residents

Zampa · 12/06/2021 09:22

15 minutes of basketball before 9pm isn't unreasonable and your son should feel free to play without feeling threatened. I can appreciate why you and your husband were cross and, in the moment, why your husband felt self-righteous enough to confront the situation head on.

However, in the cold light of day, escalation probably wasn't the right thing to do. I'd just leave it now and hope that nothing more comes of it.

Having an adult swear at you in anger can be shocking for a child. Maybe next time your son plays, a parent could sit with him (read, have a glass of wine, relax!) so he feels safe if something happens again. He'll soon stop worrying about it.

MaMelon · 12/06/2021 09:24

15 minutes of basketball before 9pm isn't unreasonable

It’s normally 30-45 minutes though, so perhaps the neighbour knew it was going to go on for longer and snapped.

Justilou1 · 12/06/2021 09:26

8:45 is far too late for that. What if someone was trying to get their little kids to sleep? Basketball is annoying, but people put up with it IN THE DAYTIME - BEFORE DINNER.
Your DH was being a provocative dick.
Who cares what the Neighbour’s behaviour was like during lockdown? Did you deal with that then and there like grownups? (I’m guessing not.) The issue was about the basketball.

MrsWooster · 12/06/2021 09:30

I think the neighbours were out of order. I also think your husband was a plum.
I’d write a note saying you’re sorry that they were annoyed by the noise of playing and will make sure that there is no noisy play before 9am or after 9pm. I’d ask them to return the courtesy by keeping outdoor partying quiet in the future, and to address any future problems to you rather than to your child.
I think the price of living in suburbia, which I do, is accepting others’ basketballs and noise but having a point/time at which it stops. If you want silence, move a long way away from other people, don’t demand that other people live in silence.

Boboparadise · 12/06/2021 09:30

I don't think YABU. Kids are doing a lot worse these days....and given the drunk chaos from their garden 🧐 I'm quite sure that's not stopped at 8.45pm. It's a summer night ffs.

Original poster
G121 · 12/06/2021 09:32

@A2BviaCandD

Our son also has a basketball hoop. We have a piece of artificial grass over the top of the slabs to dampen the thud sound though. It doesn't affect the bounce but does quieten the sound. We hardly hear the ball bouncing now.

The neighbours were wrong in swearing, and your husband has already proven his point by shouting back and then bouncing the ball.

I wouldn't take it any further than that, other than to tell the son that he did nothing wrong by playing in the garden and he is entitled to use it.

Thank you for your replies and this advice.

I've had a chat with both of them this morning and we are in agreement that he is not going to go round. I spoke to my son too and have suggested he doesn't play with the basketball after 8pm. He is actually a very calm and sensible boy and not confrontational and has taken what I have said on board.

For the comments about my teenage son being shocked by the F word. No, he wasn't shocked by the word itself, but in a time when we drum it into our children to be kind and show manners and then for a couple of grown adults to use swearing as a way of communication, just seems a little off and unnecessary.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 12/06/2021 09:33

15 minutes of basketball before 9pm isn't unreasonable

It was only 15 minutes because the neighbour said something! The OP freely admits it’s usually 30-45.

Your DS sounds like a nice kid who doesn’t want to be a shit to the neighbours. Sadly though, with a role model like your DH as his dad, this may not last.

LemonRoses · 12/06/2021 09:33

I’d be very surprised if children of your sons age hadn’t been sworn at before. No need to do anything. Swearing can be quite good for you. It’s only words.

ravelston · 12/06/2021 09:35

I understand how annoying it might have been to your neighbours but they shouldn't have swore at your son.
That said your DH sounds worse than them, I can't believe he decided to play just to piss them off, what lesson does that teach your son.
Any high ground you had disappeared then I'm afraid

justanotherneighinparadise · 12/06/2021 09:35

My neighbours do similar but I don’t shout swear words over the fence (just in my head).

ContinuousMonotoneBeep · 12/06/2021 09:35

Your husband is a right pathetic prat isn't he.

As for your son. Unless you home school in isolation and keep him away from technology I'm fairly sure at 14 he's heard and used the word "fucking". Certainly not nice being shouted at but it happens. Best you teach him resilience so he can just shake incidence like this off and move on. Rather than being pathetic and revengeful.

Howshouldibehave · 12/06/2021 09:35

for a couple of grown adults to use swearing as a way of communication, just seems a little off and unnecessary

So does deliberate escalation by deciding you fancy a game that second yourself and going mad and shouting back over the fence though.

saraclara · 12/06/2021 09:37

As someone else pointed it, you knew that he was only going to be fifteen minutes, OP, but the neighbour didn't.

It's the lack of control and not knowing how long noise will last, that causes the stress when it comes to neighbour noise, of whatever kind. When someone comes round and says "there's going to be some noise, but it will be finished by N o'clock, we cope very much better.

Your neighbours were relaxing on a Friday night, possibly watching the football themselves, and imagining that this was going to go on for some time. Give them a break. They could have reacted far worse.

FAQs · 12/06/2021 09:38

But your husband also didn’t show manners?? He showed him how to be petty and churlish.

MrsBongiovi · 12/06/2021 09:41

When someone comes round and says "there's going to be some noise, but it will be finished by N o'clock, we cope very much better.

😂

CandyLeBonBon · 12/06/2021 09:49

But they weren't swearing AT him though were they? They swore about the use of the ball. As a pp said, I'd agree it was unpleasant if they'd sworn at him directly "stop bouncing that ball you little fucker!" But otherwise I can't get too worked up about the language.

I lived next to a family whose hoop was really close to my son's bedroom and played around his bedtime. Used to drive me nuts as he couldn't get to sleep!

Glad things have calmed down a bit now, op.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 12/06/2021 09:52

We also don’t know exactly what the husband said.
Did he also swear?

Blankspace101 · 12/06/2021 10:00

I’d have been over there last night and told them your son will play with his basketball whenever the fuck he likes. And I’d warn them against swearing at children.