Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

What time do you let your dd (14, Y9) stay out until?

90 replies

aleC4 · 07/06/2021 18:34

Please could I get the opinions of others on this?
Dd says I am totally unreasonable and perhaps I am but it's causing constant arguments.
Ds (16) prefers to socialise with his friends on PlayStation in the evenings and will meet up at weekends.
Dd wants to go out every night after school except the days she has her hobby.
I've said she has to be home for 7 for several reasons. One, she is usually at the park and it's a 20 minute walk alone home. I do pick her up some nights but I will not commit to doing this every night. Two, she is not a great time keeper and always lets her phone die so I feel that shows she's not responsible enough yet and three, the main reason, we don't eat little together at home as a family. I am a single parent and they spend some time with their dad at the weekend.
I see the evening meal as the one time we actually sit down and eat and talk together, otherwise I'd hardly speak to them. I've pushed the evening meal back from 6.30 to 7 to facilitate her staying out until 7 but ds and I dont want to eat later than that.
Please tell me if I am being completely unreasonable, I can take it!

OP posts:

Greylamp100 · 07/06/2021 21:16

I think that's fine. More than generous. If she is walking on her own, then I think 7 would be my limit. I allow my DD to be at a house with me picking her up at 9 but wouldn't like her hanging about beyond 7. She should fit in with family life. When does she do her homework?

hiimjackie · 08/06/2021 08:03

Keep her tea she can warm it up later, in the summer 9PM is okay

Bigbubbles100 · 08/06/2021 08:15

I think as a pp said, it's summer time. It's still light well after 7pm. Maybe keep one day when you all have a meal together.

HerMammy · 08/06/2021 08:19

7pm? she’s not 6/7!
It’s light until 10, I’d give her until 8.30/9.
My DD15(just about 16) is 9.30/10 weekdays and 11 at weekends; usually at friends house on a weekend.

HalzTangz · 08/06/2021 08:22

I think 7 is too early for her age. Could you not have tea earlier then let her stay out a bit later til 8.30-9 ish

rookiemere · 08/06/2021 08:28

We let DS stay out a bit later at weekends but we ask him to text and let us know if he will Be later than 7.

WelcometoJam · 08/06/2021 08:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KittyFilter · 08/06/2021 08:35

I'm with @WelcometoJam

1starwars2 · 08/06/2021 08:37

It's a lot of hanging round though, and even though I did a lot of it as a teenager I am not sure I want my children doing the same.
So is this 7 days a week hanging around the park of an evening?
How about she chooses coming home by 7, or going out after tea for 2 hours (not both). Also year 9s should have a fair bit of homework to keep them busy.

Original poster

aleC4 · 08/06/2021 12:26

Thanks for all the replies, a good balance.
She doesn't have homework at all currently as her school have done away with it after covid until September, that's a whole other story though.
Her sport is on a summer break so soon we'll be back to one evening a week for pre-season training as well as Sundays.
We had a long chat about it last night and I'm think we've reached a compromise.
I've said one day a week she can have a school dinner and then just have a snack tea. That way she can go out when she gets home and stay out until 8. We are trying 8 for now.
Other nights she needs to either be home for 7 for dinner or we can eat slightly earlier and she can go out after tea until 8. Eating earlier is tricky as I don't get home from work very early.
Maybe I could suggest if she wants dinner earlier she could cook it?
I've also told her we can relax things a bit in the summer holidays as we'll have other chances to spend time together. I'm a teacher so I'll be off all summer.
I'm hoping this can work as it's caused so many arguments. I've explained though that she does need to earn trust and show she's responsible. When I said I'd pick her up at 7 last night she was still late which didn't go down well when she's meant to be proving she's mature enough to stay out later.

OP posts:

RosesAndHellebores · 08/06/2021 12:31

I suspect I'd be changing the school as a priority.

Sunday to Thursday - no socialising except for organised sports/music clubs. Those nights are for homework, and getting ready for the next day.

Weekends - organised things with agreed organised times at organised venues: parties, cinema, other social occasions.

halcyondays · 08/06/2021 12:45

Way too early. Kids far younger are out later than 7 or 8.

UserAtRandom · 08/06/2021 13:25

I'd be fine with a 14 year old being out until it got dark (which is gone 9 at this time of year). They need to be responsible for getting themselves home though - 20 minutes walk is surely fine unless you live in a really dodgy neighbourhood?
I normally expected mine to be home for meals so they'd come in for dinner and then go out again. Maybe DD needs a bike to make this feasible?
Home by 7 is way too early at that age if they have no homework or particular activities to be getting on with. What do you expect her to do? Surely being out with friends is better than on her phone all evening?

HerMammy · 08/06/2021 23:15

@RosesAndHellebores
OP is a parent not a prison guard.
I feel sorry for these kids, every minute accounted for.

Overdueanamechange · 08/06/2021 23:20

I'm afraid I'm a bit of a prison guard parent. My children don't see friends in the week, we have homework, hobbies etc. Weekends are fine but restricted to daytime only. To be fair not once have they asked to be out at night (unless its an event) none of their friends parents would allow it either. We live in a sad world, they have so much less freedom than I did at that age.

LadyCatStark · 08/06/2021 23:22

It depends where you live. DS has just turned 12 and is allowed out til 9pm after homework has been done. We live rurally though so it’s very safe and wholesome.

miltonj · 08/06/2021 23:29

7 is way too early but if she can't be trusted with time keeping and letting get phone die then fair enough! I agree that family meal is important though so she has to come in for tea (she might not fancy going out again once she's in anyway)

stabinthedark0 · 08/06/2021 23:33

My 6 & 8 year olds play out until 9 in the summer 😳

copperpotsalot · 08/06/2021 23:36

What worked for us was a later home time on the understanding that the phone was charged. Maybe say 9pm or when the phone dies, whichever comes earlier. Different in the winter when it's dark but with the long days as they are right now id rather have them out in the fresh air than stick indoors - after the year we've had too!

I don't agree with the no socialising in the week thing. I think it breeds a wishing-away-the-week mentality

Yubaba · 08/06/2021 23:36

I’m a prison parent too, DD isn’t allowed out during the week except to her hobby’s. School nights are for homework and getting ready for the next day, weekends I’m more relaxed and she can stay out till 9pm. All her friends parents are the same, but tbh she has no interest in hanging round the park anyway even if I would let her.

calamityjam · 08/06/2021 23:45

We live in a semi rural area. In a very small town/large village. My 13 year old has to be in at 9.30 on week nights. He is into fitness and meets up with a couple of friends and they go hill running. If not, he goes to another friends house on the next street. I do appreciate that it depends where you live.

BackforGood · 08/06/2021 23:52

When mine were that age (and older), it was never a fixed time, but more a "where are you / what are you doing / what time does it finish / how are you getting home" scenario.
So they would often be out later (at Scouts or football or swimming or a meeting or even a friend's house or a party) but they weren't able to just "hang about" on street corners or in the park.

As you are talking about eating together and pushing dinner back them I'm inferring that she hasn't come home from school ? In which case you are being more generous that I was. I think going to the park with mates on the way home from school is fine, but by 7 she presumably will have already have been there 3 hours or so, so there is no reason to be there any longer.

RosesAndHellebores · 09/06/2021 07:21

@HerMammy. I call it responsible parenting and it's the same parenting my children's contemporaries, DH and I received. I wonder how many of these dc who hang around parks until it's dark on school nights end up at Oxbridge?

copperpotsalot · 09/06/2021 07:33

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@HerMammy. I call it responsible parenting and it's the same parenting my children's contemporaries, DH and I received. I wonder how many of these dc who hang around parks until it's dark on school nights end up at Oxbridge?[/quote]
Contemporaries?

Ikeameatballs · 09/06/2021 07:34

I take the same approach as @BackforGood.

So 7pm is early for a curfew at that age IMO but it’s quite a long time from school finishes until then to just be hanging out at the park? What are they up to and who are they with? My Y6 DS often now plays out at a park after school, he needs to be home for 6:30/7pm for his evening meal and because any longer is too long for him to be unsupervised.

I also agree that she needs to manage the phone charging/being on time.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread