What time do you let your dd (14, Y9) stay out until?

[aleC4]

Please could I get the opinions of others on this?
Dd says I am totally unreasonable and perhaps I am but it's causing constant arguments.
Ds (16) prefers to socialise with his friends on PlayStation in the evenings and will meet up at weekends.
Dd wants to go out every night after school except the days she has her hobby.
I've said she has to be home for 7 for several reasons. One, she is usually at the park and it's a 20 minute walk alone home. I do pick her up some nights but I will not commit to doing this every night. Two, she is not a great time keeper and always lets her phone die so I feel that shows she's not responsible enough yet and three, the main reason, we don't eat little together at home as a family. I am a single parent and they spend some time with their dad at the weekend.
I see the evening meal as the one time we actually sit down and eat and talk together, otherwise I'd hardly speak to them. I've pushed the evening meal back from 6.30 to 7 to facilitate her staying out until 7 but ds and I dont want to eat later than that.
Please tell me if I am being completely unreasonable, I can take it!

At what age do you relax the rules then .... when they’re at Oxbridge

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@HerMammy. I call it responsible parenting and it's the same parenting my children's contemporaries, DH and I received. I wonder how many of these dc who hang around parks until it's dark on school nights end up at Oxbridge?[/quote]
This ^ Guaranteed these hanging about every night ones won’t be winning any school awards

My 12yo is allowed out until 9 once homework and piano practice is done, apart from the 2 nights she has after school sports. If shes at someone's house and it isn't a school night she can stay out til 10 but that's only happened a couple of times - usually once it gets to 10 she will stay over. Whether all the hanging round in parks has ruined her oxbridge chances remains to be seen but shes a pretty exceptional pupil - constant praise from teachers, won awards for most subjects over the course of the year and top set for everything. Kids need downtime and a few nights hanging around in the park with friends definitely does not ruin their life chances ffs

I have to laugh at the assumption that kids having a social life means they’re failing at school, possibly one of most snotty judgemental things I’ve read here.
My DD going out in the evening doesn’t mean she’s hanging about in a park 🤣
When do your DC learn to make decisions and gain independence? when mummy drops them at Oxbridge?

There’s a middle ground between ‘locked in the house until 18’ and ‘knocking back Smirnoff ice in the park’ .... most parents gradually find that middle ground when navigating the teen years.

@Overdueanamechange you sound like you are creating this ‘sad world’!! I think children stuck in their houses without the ability to freely socialise with their peers is pretty sad!

Let them live! What’s going to happen to them?!

Around 8/9 in the Summer definitely.
Before dark.
My eldest did this and we're looking at a good chance of a red brick uni for a working class kid, so I think this shocking weekday socialising can be excused.

I can see how she might be embarrassed by a 7pm curfew. All these people saying "what are they doing for all that time". Dont know if you remember being that age, for me it was ALL about my friends. We talked for hours and giggled about ridiculous things. Not all kids are drinking booze and egging pensioners.

What curfew do her friends have OP?

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@HerMammy. I call it responsible parenting and it's the same parenting my children's contemporaries, DH and I received. I wonder how many of these dc who hang around parks until it's dark on school nights end up at Oxbridge?[/quote]
DS often hangs around parks in the evening.
He does this to have a break after revising for his mocks.
There is balance to be had.

OP's DC seems not to have any homework or planned activities to do, so presumably if they were at home they would be likely just glued to their phone. I'm not sure why this is considered more desirable than being outside socialising.

@FindingMeno

Around 8/9 in the Summer definitely. Before dark. My eldest did this and we're looking at a good chance of a red brick uni for a working class kid, so I think this shocking weekday socialising can be excused.

Ahh but @FindingMeno if you'd put him/her on the organised-fun-only diet they could have made oxbridge!

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@HerMammy. I call it responsible parenting and it's the same parenting my children's contemporaries, DH and I received. I wonder how many of these dc who hang around parks until it's dark on school nights end up at Oxbridge?[/quote]
Hahahahahaha

To the people saying that they don't let their children out after school. I wasn't allowed out after school, I wasn't allowed to socialise with friends or do any kind of activities or hobbies either. I was dropped off at school and picked up straight after. You know what happened? I completely rebelled around the age of 15 and started to avoid going home completely. My home life was miserable and I couldn't face being there anymore. Please allow compromise with your children and let them have some freedom.

We usually have our meal and homework early and then the teens go out until around 8.30pm.
DD’s go out about 4 nights a week with their friends.
I do feel that socialising is crucial for their development.

I think 7pm is early, however your daughter doesn't sound very responsible. Could an extension be earned by adhering to certain criteria? e.g not being late or letting her phone die in a month? If she wants more freedom she has to earn it.

I didn't say my children weren't let out after school, out was not, however, hanging about at the park.

DS at 14 would have had a midweek cricket match followed by a tea - sometimes away; sometimes at home and at least two training sessions of either rugby, cricket or football.

DD at 14 would have had probably a concert or a drama group or music practice.

At weekends they were going to the cinema/theatre/sports stuff with friends although ds always had Saturday matches. At 14-16 they spent a lot of time at our local sports club and as 16 drew closer there were more informal gatherings - certainly plenty at our house but on the whole parents knew where they were and if there was ever a worry parents would call round.

Mine were London children and at 12 dd would happily pop on the tube to the West End on her own in the day time and in the holidays.

They both did the rites of passage of festivals and trips to ghastly resorts in Crete.

I think the thread has forgotten the ops dd is 14, Yr 9.

I have to laugh at the assumption that kids having a social life means they’re failing at school, possibly one of most snotty judgemental things I’ve read here.
My DD going out in the evening doesn’t mean she’s hanging about in a park 🤣
When do your DC learn to make decisions and gain independence? when mummy drops them at Oxbridge?

Anyone who has been to uni probably remembers how easy it is to spot the kids that weren't allowed any freedom; they're usually the ones spewing their guts all over the union bar at 2pm because they've gone completely crazy at the slightest hint of autonomy.

@Cam2020

I think 7pm is early, however your daughter doesn't sound very responsible. Could an extension be earned by adhering to certain criteria? e.g not being late or letting her phone die in a month? If she wants more freedom she has to earn it.

This!

Every time she misses a deadline or doesn't have charge on her phone while out she looses 30mins

Really @lemonhoney?

@Overdueanamechangeyou sound like you are creating this ‘sad world’!! I think children stuck in their houses without the ability to freely socialise with their peers is pretty sad!

Let them live! What’s going to happen to them?!**

Do you watch the news? Have you wandered around the local parks late at night recently? I didn't say I never let them socialise, I just said not at night.

My DD is also 14 and Y9
She does not seem to have a huge amount of homework currently either
She does a sport club one day a week after school
I also work and she has a younger brother at primary and I like us to eat together at least some evenings in the week.
I also tell her she has to be in by 7.30/ 8pm weekdays for dinner in the week if she goes out with friends after school. On a Friday she often goes to a friends house or has someone over until around 9pm or even 10 and they might watch a movie and eat together.
Saturday she might go out for the day with friends if we aren't doing something as a family. Sunday tends to be a family day.
I think this is a good balance and she seems happy with it
She probably goes to bed quite early latest 10pm but often between 9 and 10. It's her choice as she leaves for school at 8am and she loves her sleep.

@RosesAndHellebores

I didn't say my children weren't let out after school, out was not, however, hanging about at the park.

DS at 14 would have had a midweek cricket match followed by a tea - sometimes away; sometimes at home and at least two training sessions of either rugby, cricket or football.

DD at 14 would have had probably a concert or a drama group or music practice.

At weekends they were going to the cinema/theatre/sports stuff with friends although ds always had Saturday matches. At 14-16 they spent a lot of time at our local sports club and as 16 drew closer there were more informal gatherings - certainly plenty at our house but on the whole parents knew where they were and if there was ever a worry parents would call round.

Mine were London children and at 12 dd would happily pop on the tube to the West End on her own in the day time and in the holidays.

They both did the rites of passage of festivals and trips to ghastly resorts in Crete.

I think the thread has forgotten the ops dd is 14, Yr 9.

We can't all afford clubs and hobbies. I think it's unfair to criticise parents whose kids hang out at the park when really that is the only option for a lot of them

I remember when I was that age (more than 20 years ago) and things haven’t changed as much as we like to think.

I was allowed to either go home from school, homework then dinner with the fam, then I was allowed back out until 9. Usually I was at someone’s house with friends.
Or I could stay out after school with friends and be back home for 7.30/8 for dinner (mostly reheated)

I had an organised activity once a week.

At weekends we had one family day out and on the other day we either visited grandparents or I could meet with friends.

Sunday nights I had to be back for 7 for the start of the school week.

I hung around at parks here and there but found it quite boring, much preferred sitting at my friends homes. We also played board games, computer games, ran around outside (still at 14). Lots of my peers were getting drunk at that age but I wasn’t bothered.

I got much more freedom once I was at college and was pretty much allowed to crack on within reason.

I never really butted heads with my parents as I found it all quite reasonable.

I was trusted though as I came home on time and so sometimes I was given extra leeway.

No phones back then either.

The biggest change for me is traffic. I see little kids 4 onwards running around in the streets here (not a brilliant area) and cars flying around, and teens on mopeds tearing around. That’s what scares me the most about DS playing out when he’s older.

There’s lots of parents round here don’t give a shit about their kids, or want to spend time with them, and that’s what I find sad. Not the lack of freedom.

OP, single mother here as well with the “most worrying mother on Earth, ever” my teen says.

But then it is not as if I had someone to hold my hand if something happens to him or someone to help me sort him out if he goes off rails.

I have come to understand that teenage is not only a time for them to rebel, find their feet and learn to manage their independence but a time for us parents to gradually accept they are flapping their wings in preparation to fly on their own/leave, so I do not expect him to have dinner with me every single day, 2 out of 3 days is fine, as long as he keeps good grades in school, let me know what he is up to, with who and at what time he is coming back, I’m fine.

At 14, I wanted him back by 9, at 11pm when he was in sixth form, as long as it wasn’t very often and he could stay later on occasion provided he let me know if he was arriving later than expected and sent me a text when he was heading home on own.

Given that my yr8 son doesn’t go out and is in bed by 9.30 on a school day, some of these answers are surprising!
I’d probably say 8pm on a school night, if they came home first for a snack and then went back out - if not, back by 7pm. 9pm on a Friday or Saturday, always with a phone, that they will answer if I rang/texted, or freedom reduced.

Do you watch the news? Have you wandered around the local parks late at night recently? I didn't say I never let them socialise, I just said not at night.

I think this is area dependent. I do often walk round our local park at 9pmat night. There is the odd jogger and the odd dog walker and, yes, the odd group of teens. There are sometimes people smoking weed, but they are easily avoided. Other people clearly live in less safe areas and are phrasing their answers based on this. In a safe residential area being out in broad daylight is not really a concern.

We should also remember that, over the last year, most of teens usual hangouts have been closed. Parks were literally the only option. My teen DC are spending more time hanging out in parks than they did 18 months ago purely because they are limited for other options and they've also got out of the habit of going to people's houses/coffee shops etc. And these are still restricted to 6 people anyway and not everyone's parents want them to meet up inside!

Apparently I'm a prison parent!

DD is 14 and not allowed to 'wander' later than 5pm on any night. She's allowed to socialise with friends at their homes/gardens or specific venues until 8pm but she then has to be dropped home or picked up.

We seem to be in keeping with her peers so she's not peeved about it and hasn't pushed for more. Providing she keeps showing that she can be trusted we'll give her more freedom in step with her friends.