What time do you let your dd (14, Y9) stay out until?

[aleC4]

Please could I get the opinions of others on this?
Dd says I am totally unreasonable and perhaps I am but it's causing constant arguments.
Ds (16) prefers to socialise with his friends on PlayStation in the evenings and will meet up at weekends.
Dd wants to go out every night after school except the days she has her hobby.
I've said she has to be home for 7 for several reasons. One, she is usually at the park and it's a 20 minute walk alone home. I do pick her up some nights but I will not commit to doing this every night. Two, she is not a great time keeper and always lets her phone die so I feel that shows she's not responsible enough yet and three, the main reason, we don't eat little together at home as a family. I am a single parent and they spend some time with their dad at the weekend.
I see the evening meal as the one time we actually sit down and eat and talk together, otherwise I'd hardly speak to them. I've pushed the evening meal back from 6.30 to 7 to facilitate her staying out until 7 but ds and I dont want to eat later than that.
Please tell me if I am being completely unreasonable, I can take it!

It's quite sad that people keep their children locked up to such an extent. There's more to life than going to a top uni and making loads of money. I know plenty of successful people who didn't even go to uni. All these kids spending their childhoods with their nose stuck in a workbook, at school and only allowed out if accompanied by a parent or attending an organised club.

If she's out from coming home from school until 7, I think that's plenty of time to be honest. A later evening once a week seems to be a reasonable compromise.
A meal together and time to relax, get ready for school and get to bed at a reasonable time seems an excellent plan to me.
I don't think parents should be at kids beck and call and picking them up at all hours to enable them to hang out in parks and socialise.
My DD only does clubs and homework during the week, doesn't seem to want to hang out with friends. That's for weekends.

It's quite sad that people keep their children locked up to such an extent. There's more to life than going to a top uni and making loads of money. I know plenty of successful people who didn't even go to uni. All these kids spending their childhoods with their nose stuck in a workbook, at school and only allowed out if accompanied by a parent or attending an organised club

What makes you think that very academic kids don’t spend time outside or are studying for long hours? My neighbour’s DDs went to Oxford yet they had always friends around, were always out with them and one of them even went down all the way from England to Barcelona with her boyfriend by bike a year before she went to Uni. She also happened to have the best collection of classic literature I have seen in my life and it wasn’t even part of her school curriculum!

What makes you think that very academic kids don’t spend time outside or are studying for long hours?

I didn't, but that's the impression I get from this thread. Seems people think if their children go out to have a wander around with friends they won't be able to go to uni.

We don't allow our 14 year old out in the evenings. He's got ADHD and we've tried letting him out on weekend mornings which always went wrong. Friend would arrange to meet in local park then would ring him as he was setting off and it would be a park several miles away. DS set off walking there, didn't ring me etc.
Another time he said his friend hadn't arrived as he was poorly. So our DS got chatting to random teens and ended up at a local nature trail with them.
Says meeting a friend then found him with a whole group. Some were really stupid - running into busy road to get a ball etc.

Very unpredictable and very stressful, so we ended it

I can’t see the point of a blanket curfew, it just seems to be for the sake of it. It’s good that teens have good friendships and want to socialise, this isn’t the case for some teens.

That said, I wouldn’t want my teen hanging round in the park every night. But when they do I’d want them to relax and not have to keep checking the time. That’s not much fun.

OP when you have dinner earlier and she goes out after, why not let her stay out till just before dusk?

@Bibbetybobbity

Surprised at some of these responses. It’s summer, there’s no homework or clubs, it’s been a crap year to say the least. Teenagers need some time with their friends, ideally outside.

The problem with being a ‘prison parent’ is that you think you’re safeguarding against something, that in reality you’re not...

And it’s not helpful to micro manage teens. Where is the opportunity for them to build their instincts, within safe boundaries.

Completely agree. And it’s often the teens who are micro managed and have strict curfews who are MORE vulnerable because they haven’t been allowed to become streetwise. There ARE risks out in the wooed but they need to learn to navigate them rather than avoid them.

*world

I think letting her out until dusk bothers me because it's a 20 minute walk home through the streets and I wouldn't fancy it on my own!
Last night she stayed at a friends until 9 and that's no problem as I know she's ok and I picked her up.
This afternoon I've picked her up from work and taken her and her best friend to another friends house to go in his pool. Her friends nana is bringing them back at 9. I'm much happier with these kinds of arrangements but I know I have to let her grow up.
I did out my foot down at 2 9pm pick ups on weekend nights as I feel as though I can't relax with a glass of wine in the garden until late. Luckily her bf parents/grandparents are pretty good and we generally share lifts. I did last night, they're doing tonight.

My DS13 has been staying out until 9pm this week with the lovely weather. He goes out after tea. I take him and pick him up because it’d be a 30min walk to the football field near where all his friends live.

It depends so much on the area that you live in though. I grew up rurally so rarely went out as a teen as it meant needing lifts repeatedly. DH grew up on a large housing estate and was out all the time. We’re both fine socially with reasonably good jobs now …

Completely agree. And it’s often the teens who are micro managed and have strict curfews who are MORE vulnerable because they haven’t been allowed to become streetwise. There ARE risks out in the world but they need to learn to navigate them rather than avoid them.

I agree 100%. My parents were very protective and I realised over the years that my mum suffered from pretty severe anxiety. I came across someone in my teens who took advantage and the irony of that was that it was someone in a position of authority, someone I couldn't have avoided.
I'm not blaming my parents for what happened to me but when I was 15, I was very vulnerable and utterly inexperienced because of so little freedom. I'm an extreme case but I would strongly advise against prison parenting. Don't prevent life from happening to your kids, it will anyway, teach them how to handle themselves instead.

When I was 14 (only a few years ago!), it was about 7pm on school nights, 10pm on weekends if I said I was being walked home (although I rarely was). I was usually just hanging around parks with my friends, mostly just talking until that time.

I do watch the news and I also listen to hours of crime podcasts and statistically the greatest risk comes from your own family and friends so they’re technically safer knocking about in a park 🤣🤣

I have a child who is athletic and sporty and does his sport 5 days a week and another who hates sports and clubs and organised activities. He is much happier riding his bike to a park and hanging about. He’s doing well in school too. You have to be realistic and remember you are raising adults, not permanently parenting children.

My DD is 14. She doesn't go out on weeknights simply because she doesn't get back from school till 6pm most days after all her extracurricular clubs/sports etc. So she usually only meets up with friends on Fri after school and weekends around her training/matches etc. But when she does go out, it's usually to friends' houses (I have to drop/pick up as we live in middle of nowhere!) or into town and I usually pick her up at 10pm at the latest unless she's staying over at a friends. I think it all depends on how mature the child is, their friendship group and the circumstances. Hanging at a friend's house, playing Xbox etc is also quite different to roaming the streets 🤷🏻‍♀️